My So-Called Strife

I'd recently had a conversation with a friend about going into my blog archive to find an older post, and he opened up quite the collection. He mentioned there was two years of blogging and I thought,"Wow, has it been that long?" Apparently. I told him that that was way too much baggage...I mean bloggage to sort through. It's been quite the journey thus far and, recently, I've certainly attracted more than a few critics.

In May I upset a reader so much that, out of respect, I had to remove the blog...for now! I'd also found myself receiving a wide array of reactions. Most people find me to be generally amusing and even some may say I'm whitty and well-spoken. You're not a true creator unless you warrant the negative attention too, however.

Most of my blogs are personal diatribes about my life conquests, failures and success. Some allow you to see how crazy I am in actuality, and some dare to reveal my vulnerability. My readers who know me best, come to find me more endearing, and those who don't are often stunned by my verbal prowess and less-than-lady-like attitudes.

Some days I feel like I'm so crafty and mysterious but others, I'm pretty blatant and ruthless with my views. I like to think I offer a simple love-hate relationship with my writing and that goes the same with my personality. When growing up in a world where appearance is everything, living up to a desperate need to look civilized and put-together becomes part of the routine quite easily.

I do give off a specific persona of being ordinary, but we all have our secrets, our intrigues, and our insanities hidden behind the exterior; it's what keeps us interesting!

I've found out recently that, rather than offend by what was said, I really offend but what's done. People like to think I'm a certain way, they see me as a polite, amiable litte thing, who's pretty complacent overall. It's a decent act to keep people at bay. From day to day, I am relatively ordinary, but as I get comfortable you'll see the sassy, sarcastic, and loud version that is Alison, and she comes out to take names and kick ass. I feel like the people who meet that Alison should be flattered; you've passed the test. Others shouldn't be offended that she doesn't come out to play, rather, be appreciative that I'm attempting to respect you enough to keep her under wraps. When she comes out, she will offend you, but that's just her.

Wait, I think I just spoke of myself in the third person. How "Me, Myself and Irene" of me! I realize not everyone wants to read my bitching, or listen to it. I realize, for some, it's too much information, but the thing is, if I can get someone to relate and feel better by unleashing and posting these rants, my work is done! What more can a writer ask for?

Some readers may think, "What the hell does this chick have to complain about?" We are all lucky and unfortunate in our own special ways. But remember, as I've made very clear in past posts, what makes my shit more important that everyone else's, is that it's MINE. Really I'm just inviting my readers to bask in and enjoy my complaining and join in. After all, misery loves company.

I have come to a more recent realization, however, that upsetting people with my words is a powerful thing. Some may see me as two-faced, sitting here, hiding behind my shitty, Dell laptop and being pissed off at the world. I get it. I've had to own my anger and that's been quite the battle. I am an angry woman and every once in awhile it rears it's ugly head in some risky situations. I've seriously wrestled with not letting it overtake me. As someone raised by an extremely hateful person, becoming like her is my greatest fear. As annoying as people are, it's a lonely life without people around, even the ones we choose to dislike.

There's nothing in this blog, or any, I wouldn't reveal to someone in person. There's no cryptic or underlying messages that aren't eventually put in plain sight in my pieces. Anyone can whine and moan about life, but I'd like to think that making it fun, poetic, and verbally interesting is a gift I possess. I may be tooting my own horn but, people do read my stuff, even if afterwards they find it to have been a kind of waste of their time!

Mostly I'm just sorting through the crazy workings of my own mind in my free time, with this blog as the victim. Or I'm trying to keep my friends updated on my life, reassuring them I'm still just as off-the-wall as ever. I've tried to be aloof, puzzling and provoke some serious thought into secret messages with my creations before, and usually it's an inevitable fail.

I'm such a musical fiend that one time, I made a genuine "mix cd" for an old friend, complete with songs that meant something real and deep, and I forced him to listen to it in an attempt tho have him to decode the secret message: "You're upsetting me beyond belief, and tearing me apart." At one point he just commented on how random the collection was and then asked if we could listen to something else because, I was well aware he didn't really like all my music. I'd even just put on one specific song from time to time, trying to scream the message out to him, and he'd be oblivious. The problem was, he just didn't care, he didn't want to know even if I was legitimately upset. So now, when you read an Alison Chriss blog, you don't have to read between the lines...just read the actual piece.

People, especially women, really need to find the hidden meanings behind words and actions. It's like a psychological thing. We waste years definining moments, sentences, situations and memories. They have classes in college called "Women's Studies," for Pete's sake! It's all about the context and perception with us; it's exhausting! We are mysterious gender for sure.

We are even worse with each other. If you tell a girl buddy that her boyfriend is "just okay," she may dump him over it. If you tell a girl a dress makes her boobs look big, she'll freak out because that means her boobs are usually seen as small. The drama is ridiculous.

I spent years playing and losing the game. Now I try to play straight, no bluffing. Every once in awhile I run into an angry, bad sportsman and we get into it, but I'd like to think I'm not a completely terrible human. A friend I travelled with in London, once told me that I'm actually pretty easy to read. I carry the weight of the world and it shows. He didn't mean this in a bad way. It was funny, actually, because here I am waltzing around, acting as though I'm such a wiley and wonderfully strange being, only to find that a guy who's a relatively new friend, can tell most of what I'm thinking just by paying attention. There goes my feminine mystique!

Sometimes my lack of subtle-ness gets me into trouble, but it can also help keep me out of the strife that keeps me blogging. If you've become a victim of the tales of the life I call my own, it's not a purposeful occurence. Although I'm easily labelled as a "bitch," my intent is never to hurt or piss off anyone. If I really wanted revenge, I could do it. That's the angry, bitch side of me. If I'm going to attack you, it won't be some shady blog post. I'll say it to your face if I'm seriously upset with you. I'm not saying I've never talked about someone behind their back and never engaged in the ever-prevalent "shit-talking" session but I'll tell it to you straight if there's a true problem.

I'm still a big kid, overall. Becoming an adult blows! Who wants to do that? But I'd like to cast myself as someone grown up enough to at least play the good part. I'm not going to hide from people, situations and things just because I may upset someone. When you're around people, you're bound to clash and turn heads. It's a part of life. Our divine drama and ability to overdramatize is what actually seperates us from the animals...maybe I should stop writing and just start throwing feces.

I've weathered enough storms to keep a raincoat and umbrella handy. Does that say enough? What exactly would qualify me to be acceptable? Or what qualifies as unacceptable, I guess? There are some life questions to answer...

Even if this rambling incites some other reactionary measure causing my mind to spin further, I'll still going to keep on keeping on. I'd felt as though my ability to abuse this blog and create verbal masterpieces was taken away once before, and I won't allow myself to feel that badly ever again. I am who I am, I do what I do, and even when the clusterfuck hits, I will prevail.

I'm an artistic creature by nature and that's something you just can't un-do. It may be a flaw, it may be a quality found less than attractive, but it's me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I fuck up but I won't wallow in regret. I own my mistakes and my fucked-up-ness. I own the fact I can be an angry, prickly, bitch. I'm not afriad to offend.

Perhaps it's a defense mechanism coming out to claim it's hostages, but I've let a lot of people into my circle of unrelenting truth, only to have them betray my confidence and be forced to kick their asses out of it! I do live and learn so, I'm able to weed out the good and bad better than past situations as each day passes. You have to work to get me to let you in. Perhaps if you break down the wall you'd join the ranks of the friends I amuse the hell out of, instead of those pissed off who add me to their "Shit list." Oh, come on, we all have one!

In the end, my so-called "strife," may be nothing but another day in the life and times of Alison. I may be over-dramatic and whiny but I don't feel like I'm pretending to be otherwise. If after two years of blogging, countless memories made, amazing days and horrific ones, someone is still reading my random musings, I consider myself to be doing okay. Even if this all ends up being nothing but a mental release for a live journal, it's a better way to spend my time than watching hours of Netflix Instant Queue!

Perhaps I'm just one entry away from insanity, but then again maybe one of my readers looked at this, laughed, and continued the day with a smile...I guess we'll see!