My family member and I, I can't pretend we were super close. In fact, we'd become estranged. He was an amazingly free spirit and the world is far darker without him. And now we just have some shirts, some movies, a coffee table, a toy and some kitchenware to remember him by. Life is completely unappreciated, and it's not something you just "get over and move on" from.
The coworker, definitely a great stride in leaving. The decision was best and all that's left is happiness. But things have been quiet and rough without the company. You don't realize how much you depend on someone until they aren't there. And I'm one of those people who gets completely terrified at the feeling of needing someone. We still keep in touch but I feel completely left behind. And in some ways, that's what I need. I need to move on. But sometimes it's just nice to feel important to someone, which I cherish knowing that I matter to someone not legally bound to me by paper or chromosome.
This other coworker: I won't pretend we had more than the, "Hi, how are you, beautiful weather," conversation but I truly respected this guy and thought it was so nice for him to go out of his way to be polite. When you work in a man's world, you're often overlooked as a female and this gentleman was indeed that by definition. And he disappeared. Now I don't nose around asking if he got fired. Another friend told me he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and had six months to live without treatment at just 57 years old.
So of course I'm having that life affirming, mid life crisis: What the fuck am I doing?
I wasted countless hours combing pinterest for inspirational everything. Friends who knew I was in a funk offered kind words. Here is my summation, and if you know me at all, it won't be a short as I am.
I've made some shitty choices. I've hurt as many people as I've been hurt by. I enjoy a good cry mourning over all of these things. I still miss the one that broke my heart and always will. If I didn't have my husband, my life would be vacant in every way. There are so many different kinds of friends, you really have to hold on to the ones who don't break you on a daily basis.
You can apologize as much as you want for your mistakes, and it's almost impossible to just forget, but if people can't let go of the past, or at least learn from it, then you can't fix anything. No one is perfect, least of all the ones who look the best on Facebook. There is no secret to life. You live and you die. Try to live the best you can.
I have anxiety and serious bouts of depression. My mother thinks I make these things up. My husband thinks I'm overdramatic, and I only have one friend who completely understands me. I feel lonely a lot. Everything is fleeting. Capture as many moments as you can as quickly as you can.
And I think the biggest thing I need to say in this moment: My biggest regrets in my 30 years are all of the things I've never said. Not the things you should never say out loud, but the things that I've need to say FOR ME. Selfish? Absolutely. But I intend to speak up. I'm small, I'm short, but I'm seriously loud. And because we really have such numbered days on this planet, I won't stop running my mouth until my time has run out!
You've been warned!
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