Moms Can Be Whores Too

Motherhood can do different things to every woman. My personal experience, I felt a little...less than fresh and gorgeous. You bloat and you wear stretchy pants so long carrying a human, you don't exactly feel like you're glowing. And often that "glow" is sweat anyway. I'd never felt such closeness to wild animals as after I had a natural birth. It's beautiful and gross all at once. And then you're left with a baby and you never have a moment to yourself. The end. Actually, it's just the beginning.

It took me a year to allow myself to take better care of me and not just the kid. Getting back into a workout was anything but easy. When I'd settled into the idea that instead of ever being a "MILF" to anyone but my husband who is legally bound to think that, I started wearing "mom appropriate" clothing.

No more band shirts that said "fuck you," or had weird, jarring images. No more, slightly tight clothing that may catch someone's eye. And now that I had epic cleavage, after breastfeeding, I totally didn't want to draw attention to the stretch marks on those things. I was the biggest I'd ever been when I started and it took me a year to take it off comfortably.

When you start feeling comfortable in your own skin, you start wanting to show it. With the new workout routine, came a new job where I was allowed to leave the house. Getting out of the house without kid prints was another story. I first shopped at Goodwill, determined that I would not waste money on clothes that would strictly get me through the in between times. But the more I lost, the more I wanted to look nice. And I could do that at work.

Here's the catch: I work in a male dominated environment. Mostly older, married guys who made nasty jokes. None of them acted inappropriately towards me, but when I got shapely enough to put on the skirts and dresses (all appropriate length I might add!), they noticed. And not in a bad way. These guys would comment "New clothes?," "Oh that's nice," "That's a good color on you!" Only a few made the sarcastic, rude comments that were essentially just playful. And I don't get easily offended, I have a thick skin and most importantly, I LOVE MY JOB!

With new clothes and lesser weight comes more confidence. And this is when things can get out of hand. Prepared to be shocked:
I made friends with a male coworker! OH MY! Emphasis on friends and co-worker please, readers. We had some stuff in common, we traded who bought lunch, he treated my daughter like a princess when she came to visit and my husband seemed to think it was good I had an ally at work. (Of course he knows my husband!)

However, when you work in an environment where the general age of employee is 39+ it's pretty easy for the older women to start to hate you, whether you instigate it or not. Now, I try to be friendly to everyone but I never go out of my way to be horrible. Apparently I'm just whore-able. See what I did there?

Rumors started about my male cohort and myself. I'd brushed them off until one of the older women started watching my every move one morning and I snapped. All of the sudden I realized I was the homewrecker and the whore of the business. In one way it was flattering to feel that anyone would pay enough attention to me to think I was acting unfavorably. On the other hand, I was insulted that anyone would take the time to believe it. I mean, really?

It was months after I'd gotten over the first "incident" and a few pounds more lost that I actually was cornered and confronted about the alleged affair. Now, I'm a completely sarcastic person, but I was so dumbfounded by the audacity of the accuser, that I couldn't even rattle off all the after-attack comebacks I had found:

"Well, my husband and I are swingers, so that's not cheating."

"Ever hear of spousal swap?"

"Some of us have needs."

The jokes lasted for days. In retrospect, it's not funny at all. I definitely cried over it. To me, it wasn't the whore rumors, it was the fact that both parties in questions had families and they were insulting us both by saying we were up to no good. It breaks my heart that a man and woman cannot be friends. I guess Billy Crystal was right in my fave rom-com, "When Harry Met Sally." On top of it, the industry is small and the last thing I needed was any angry wife stomping into my office calling me a whore. Let's keep that to my coworkers only, please.

As a mother, I never thought I'd be seen as a whore ever again. I thought that was meant for your young and single days and I certainly dressed it in the past. I know there are mothers out there who may in fact be "whores" in some way or another, but I think it's ridiculous that grown ass women resort to such teenage name-calling and rumors. "High School Never Ends," which became my anthem, as sung by Bowling for Soup, throughout all of this is still a part of my current playlist.

I never assumed motherhood would keep me exempt from bigotry and hatred but I thought that was between mothers who judged me for co-sleeping, cloth diapers, and clothing choice type things. I guess I should clarify, and please read this in the tone of Robin Williams impersonating Nixon, "I am not a WHORE" (instead of crook). 

I'm really not involved in anything inappropriate with anyone, for the record.

I went against all initial impulses to be Emma Stone in Easy A and start wearing sweaters with the scarlet letter sewn on them. Instead of acting out in an attempt to make such rumors look ridiculous, I had a good cry and went back to doing my job and kicking ass at it. I commiserated with a lot of friends about this. I truly thought I had some kind of personality or character flaw that made me so...obtuse about life. In some ways I'm still recovering.


But in retrospect Taylor Swift had it right all along: "Haters gonna hate and fakers gonna fake." Moms can be whores, definitely, but I'm not one of those that mixes the two. I'm a family woman, working full time to support her daughter, dog and awesome husband. Just let me be, well, me. I'm a great mess without the rumors anyway!