The Etiquette Of Feelings

Yesterday I got disappointing news, which will be delved into via blogging soon enough, but I've had quite an interested communicative 24 hours and I'm going to jump into that today. Here we go!

I'm a highly-sensitive over-thinker, it is a blessing and a curse. When you attract people to you that lack empathy, it's torture, but when you find anyone who remotely attempts to "get you" it's like discovering a gold mine. The rollercoaster of emotions can be tough but I've been working very, very hard to better reach a medium.

I've been binge-ing way too much 90210 so when I got the bad news, I felt like organizing some kind of "Donna Martin Graduates" picket line or showing everyone we needed to "Save The Peach Pit," and write editorial type letters and go up against the big guys to save the little ones! Then I decided to just look at the alternatives and attempt to move forward.

I've done a lot of talking myself out of anxious situations lately and was actually complimented on it yesterday. It's so weird how we react to certain things and then people seem to be impressed by how well we manage those reactions. When I was 19, I had a boyfriend that was not a great guy. He lied to me a lot, stole from me often, probably cheat on me, and raised his hand to me threatening a hit a time or two.

When his roommates got wind of his pill problem and money issues, he was evicted, and I was on vacation only to come home to him picking me up at the airport 5 hours late and then having him attempt to turn me against some of my best friends. When I got home and heard from the roommates, at first I was in denial, there was no way it all came to that point. Once the issue was in front of me, and he had "borrowed" my car and my laptop, I just had get my stuff back and begin to repair the damage. 

I was only 19, so we weren't "in love," but I thought maybe he actually cared about me. And when I found out all the deceit and that I'd lost money and some dignity, instead of throwing a tantrum I just thought, "Well, you learned a valuable lesson." One of his roommates was left on "Ali watch" and spent the day with me, the TV and a pizza and I remember him saying, "Ya know Alison, I gotta say, I really respect the way you're handling this. You don't deserve it. He was an asshole, but I admire you for keeping it together and moving forward instead of flipping out." 

That's an odd but affirming compliment right? These kinds of sentiments I've experienced more lately. But I've also discovered that I deeply feel we lack a basic foundation of etiquette when  it comes to people share their feelings anymore. 

Now, in this day and age I hate throwing around the word "Normal." A favorite person in my life about 13 years ago said to me, "Normal is what you know." Based on that definition, and in my experience, when people share a disappointment, upset or loss it's often normal to say, "I'm sorry," or "That sucks," or "What a shame!" Something along those lines would suffice, but lately I have found these sentiments to be elusive.

Emotions are rough territory for everyone, but I tread lightly because more and more I feel that everyone just needs some kindness and support, no matter what their situation. With my daughter when she throws a fit I often tell her "I'm so glad you are sharing your feelings and expressing what's going on, but we can find the solution and it's important to calm down so we can figure this out." She responds so much better to that than my yelling about dealing with things, which can happen after a long day.

I've had friends tell me about great deals of stress on them from finances, relationships, jobs, children, and then some and I always try to listen intently and just say, "I'm sorry that happened," in one way or another. Usually you're met with "Don't apologize it's not your fault," but the CONDOLENCES are important to me; I'm showing I care and acknowledge that things are kinda crappy in that moment.

I haven't found the same kinds of responses from people lately, and it honestly makes me feel alienated and inclined to recoil from social interactions. We live in a world where suicide rates are high and when we lose those lives the stories are all, "They seemed fine, they were always happy, they brought so much joy." So, I think validation and acknowledgement of feelings are completely essential.

I had a friend tell me that schedules were so insane, that planning was rough and if a plan happened it would be last minute. I suck at those kinds of things. I'm a planner. It was in the midst of this conversation the text appeared and read, "I won't know my availability until later, and that's not fair to you." I just sat and read that for a minute. "That's not fair," I read again. Talk about a momentary affirmation and little win! Finally, my explanation of how hard it was for my anxiety and personality to plan like that was not only acknowledged, but respected wonderfully, with a single text! It was that response that helped me let down my guard and be more flexible, allowing for a joint, and "fair" planning to commence.

The thing is, I overthink enough to know that everyone operates on their own wavelength so I put a lot of energy into not becoming offended or upset when people don't have the response I'm looking for, but it doesn't take away that feeling of disappointment when you reach out to someone, and they aren't reaching back.

Some of my closest friends I've found in the past handful of years have been the people I can share my weirdest disappointments with but respond with a simple, "That sucks I'm sorry!" In fact I had a great girl friend text me when I was sad I had to get rid of my spin class and say "I know how much you loved spin and I'm sorry you can't go anymore." HOW AMAZING, but simple, IS THAT?

We are in a world where feelings are rampant and ever present in each exchange, text message and post. The inspirational quotes, the deep but maybe sad quotes, the silly memes, the ridiculous gifs, and the jokes are all the feels being shared. Basic etiquette asks for an acknowledgment of them. Why do you think Facebook has "likes," and now has "reaction" emojis? It's an acknowledgment. We need this more outwardly I feel, or maybe I just thrive on this more than most.

I encourage anyone to check in with each other and acknowledge. It could be a post about a crap day and a text that says "Hope tomorrow is better!" It could be a favorite show getting cancelled, it could be a bounced check and overdraft fee, it could be a family member dying or a cancer diagnosis, but when someone shares something that is affecting them, I hope we can all take a moment to just say, "That's rough," or "I'm so sorry you're going through that." We are quick to jump to applauding the great news, and quicker to divert to side stepping the uncomfortable news. 

As far as all of these feels being published online, I just ask that we find a happy medium and not let a friend's feelings fall by the wayside. Life is hard enough, we need way more kindness and affirmation, and way less disregard. With that said, I'm going to check in with a bunch of people and get to supporting and acknowledging. I consider it research for this post and of course, will report back. 

In Remembrance Of Luke Perry - My Twenty-Something, 90210 Late-Comer Obsession Will Live In Infamy

It's become a running joke between my dad and I that he notoriously allowed me to watch completely age inappropriate things from about the time I was 7 and on. I wasn't allowed to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was 5 because it promoted violence and fighting, but watched Pretty Woman with my parents when I was 8. Hmmm; not the best judgment.

At the hands of my entire family I was exposed to highly inappropriate movies, shows and themes, but because I was preacher's kid and completely naive, most of the innuendos went way over my head. I watch these movies now and I'm like...um wow!

Anyway, one show on my dad's radar that was kept from me was 90210. When this show hit it big, I was still a Saved By The Bell, Full House, and TGIF kinda girl and also slightly younger than the audience that got to it first. My dad never let me watch it calling it, "Soap Opera crap" and then muttering something about Tori Spelling's lack of talent. 

So, I never watched 90210 in it's prime or all it's cool, trendy glory. In fact, I didn't discover it until the summer after my 16th birthday when it was in syndication with soap operas on the likes of Fox, CBS, FX or some such. I was home alone a lot when I lived with my mom, so I started watching re-runs.

Finding them in the order of how the show progressed was tough, as it may have been still producing new seasons at this time, but I loved all the drama. And I recognized some of the actors from other things on my radar.

I didn't get into it again until I was 23. We were living with my aunt and I was finishing college. She had "the good cable," and 90210 was on 2 hours a day. I happened to be in between full time jobs and home to "study," often with the house to myself while it was on. I had just so happened to have caught it starting the cycle again. I was hooked and it became part of my daily routine. I got up early to go to spin and classes, then came home to reboot before my afternoon classes, and there it was!

Funny fact that I JUST remembered: I was actually watching 90210 when Eben called me into another room to propose to me. I was annoyed that he was bothering me because I was "watching my stories" as we used to make fun. Spoiler alert: I said yes!

Now I was still never home enough to catch the whole series so I was left with all kinds of plot holes and trying to figure out what events came when in chronology. Remember this was still WAY before Netflix, Hulu and any sort of availability to watch whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted.

Fast forward another 3 years and we are renting my favorite apartment and living large with the good cable in Florida. My work schedule allows me to 90210 binge-watch on FX before my closing shifts and I'm obsessed. The pug and I curled up and devoured every juicy moment. I was a die hard team Dylan and Brenda girl, but the Kelly stuff was compelling, I will admit.

Fast forward again to me at age 28, and having my daughter. After a rough first 6 weeks of life, which I've referenced a few times in my blogging before, I had never been so happy to be home and breastfeeding on my couch. Despite all the studies on TV making your child an idiot, I watched an insane amount of Netflix, movies, and series when I was up at night breastfeeding and throughout my days at home. Sorry not sorry, it kept me sane. And that was when it all happened.

On my maternity leave, 90210 aired for 4 hours a day; two hours in the morning and two in the afternoon. The played in order and the series had just begun. I was only like 4 episodes in, and I had seen those before, so I knew. Every day Luna and I would tune into the drama. Steve, Andrea, Brandon, Kelly, Brenda, Donna, David, Valerie, Ray, Noah, the guest stars, the touching episodes, the bad corny ones, they were ALL THERE.

Because of being a stay at home breastfeeding mother I was able to watch all of 90210 and fall in love with Dylan McKay like the rest of them. Even so close to thirty I was hooked and, in my opinion, it was better late than never! So if you think about it, thanks to Luna I achieved my 16 year-old-self's goals and dreams of devouring that entire series. Go me!

So yesterday, when the news of Luke Perry's passing was posted on every social media outlet it, made me really sad. This happened just after last week they spoke about a possible re-boot of the series. Luke Perry was definitely known for his portrayal of the heart-throb, bad boy, Dylan McKay, but I also loved him as the leather clad hero in Buffy the Vampire slayer, the movie not the show, and he made an appearance in one of my favorite episodes of the highly underrated show, Raising Hope. 

He was a talented actor. And he was only 52! But what surprised me is so many of my mom friends were like, super depressed and affected by the loss. For most of them, this was their first serious celebrity crush and his passing is like the end of an era. Here we are, grown up, adulting, and some of us raising girls of our own and Luke Perry's death not only brings to light how old we are, or how short life is, but maybe also that our teenage years are just super gone now. Times have changed a lot, and always will.

It's sad to think his family lost him, but I just know there are so many women completely heartbroken that their first TV love is gone, may he rest in peace. The posters, the teen mags, the fan letters, and I think they had Barbie-like dolls and collectible things are all in remembrance of him. 

For me, he will live on forever through the likes of Hulu and I'm sure I'll bait Luna into watching it someday so she can make fun of me. But for now, and at least for me, 90210 will be that weird series that epitomized my late-bloomer status in life and allowed me to fall for that rebel without a cause like the rest of them, even in my almost-30 postpartum days. 

You'll find me binge-watching 90210, going back to West Beverly High on Hulu as my way of paying my respects. Thanks for everything Luke Perry!