Honesty About Circumstance

I think it's so difficult to be honest about your circumstance, whether current or past. In a world where we are "supposed to have it together" and where Social Media defines the societal norms of posting happy families, fantastic vacations and epic gift exchanges, why would you want to be honest about going through a rough patch or being deep in the weeds at times?

Denial is real. Justification can rule your world, whether intentional or not. You never want to believe you, your family or even close friends could be in a bad way, so we often numb, put it out of our minds, and power through. These are coping mechanisms for the storms, aren't they? Because honesty about life is sometimes worse than what you're actually living. We want to hide our vulnerabilities, insecurities and everything we deem as failures.

I've been in therapy for two years dealing with it all. I'm not remotely "cured" but the progress is finally breaking through and noticeable, and boy am I going with it. I hid my circumstance from everyone for a long, long time. Or I'd let it come out at the worst times and then further alienate myself. Finding the balance has been intense, but it's been worth it, in my experience.

You can know people for a long time before actually getting to know someone. You can have one version of them imprinted in your mind and never get past the facade they want you to see. Or you'll bear something deep and in common, and break down those barriers. Those barrier-break moments, have been everything to me the past few years. They have identified my tribe.

I treat lightly on the form of honesty and with whom because I grew up very aware of upholding an image and how to keep up appearances. Some people I would never share all the details with. Some I would overshare until they were sick of me. Again, balance.

I've had to be more honest and some of it is actually freeing. Some of it probably comes out completely wrong or is almost un-explainable. Some of it paints me negatively. But at least I'm not hiding behind circumstance making myself "look prettier" than what is actually going on anymore.

I've been honest about how I spend my time, which has elicited mixed reviews. I don't have the energy to volunteer and give everyone more of me right now, and haven't for awhile. I'm actually trying to be kind to myself and repair a lot of personal life damages inflicted so it won't work to serve others if I can barely care for myself. This comes across as selfish, but I finally realize it's not at all. I refuse to give in to the obligatory and max myself out, especially for situations that lack gratitude and appreciation.

I've been honest about how work affects my life. Right now I've barely seen my hubby and planning things more than a few days ahead of time is near impossible. My mom is helping less and less, or at least it is purely determinate on the kind of help she is giving. Our sitter is already too busy and we don't have many convenient options. I also drive a lot during the week and on Saturday mornings. By Sunday it's touch and go on whether or not I will go more than a mile outside the harbor. Planning stinks unless I know everyone is off and home together, which can still change on a dime these days.

I've been honest about how I've constructed my lifestyle and what it keeps me from doing. I can't just leave my kid for a weekend or even an overnight more than once a year. Why? My life is designed to be her mom, not to get away from her. We also don't have a readily available support system for that. It takes careful planning. Regardless I want to be around my child. Sure, we all need a break, but she's only this little for so long. I don't want to be away from her much, even when she drives me nuts, so I've designed my life as such.

I've been more honest about finances. We are rebounding from some serious debt. I'm really, really bad at having debt. It stresses me out to no end. We both have made many financial mistakes in growth, and are literally paying for them. We live on a strict budget that sometimes keeps us paycheck to paycheck. We don't eat out often. We don't go shopping for "things" often. Vacations are centered around family visits. We don't spend frivolously, no matter how much we may want to. 

I've been honest about friendships. I've lost touch with people over the past 6 years that have hurt so badly and I never got closure and I owe a million apologies because I let my circumstance drive them away. Some people outgrew me. I outgrew some people myself. I've also held onto toxic relationships that were harmful just because of my circumstances or straight stubbornness. Identifying that, is a huge step in the right direction of progress for me, and I tell myself that regularly.

It sucks saying out loud, "I messed up and made bad choices. I didn't really think things through. I overspent. I overbought. I didn't pay attention. I was a bad friend or bad mom, or bad wife or bad daughter. I was bad at staying in touch. I was selfish. I was WRONG." All of those SUCK to admit! They suck to say to anyone, let alone someone in your immediately family, but that's the only way to grow.

This isn't some "honesty is the best policy" diatribe, okay, I'm not going to be a hypocrite about that. I'm not always honest about why I'm late to work, or why I can't make plans that day, because it also sucks to say "I overslept because I was up late in an argument with my husband," or "I'm so overwhelmed the thought of being social right now makes me want to eat 3 cartons of ice cream and disappear for a month," is a little too much information. So sometimes it's easier to say "I left a little later than intended and hit bad traffic," or "I forgot I already made plans that night that are conflicting." In a previous job where I was getting demoted and I wanted to say, "I'm going through a rough time at home right now trying to find my way out of a bad situation, so I need to not be demoted and in a negative environment please," I ended up quitting and saying, "I'm just going to be a mom for awhile." Honestly doesn't always pan out as applicable, if we're being honest about honesty!

Having been raised in addiction, I'm actually well versed on the different variances of honesty, so for me, being honest about your circumstance isn't some statute that will make you happier, go to heaven or even set you free. For me, being honest about your circumstance helps me feel less guilty, ashamed and filled-with-failure, rather than continuing some charade. For me, embracing the honesty about my circumstance is cultivating the continuation of my growth. 

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to scrape myself off of the pavement of life, look in mirror and say "You grow girl." And for the last few weeks, I have been able to do that.

I'd Rather Not Be The Bad Day Blogger

The other day my best friend across an ocean messaged me. He messaged me this long message about his truly horrible day filled with work and boss dispute, a small injury and a broken water heater meaning, cold showers until it could be fixed. Although I very much love Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day, all I could think was, he "Roseanna-Danna'd" me. 

Not to date myself here, but I was raised with amazing comedic appreciation including that of early and original SNL. Gilda Radner was a comedic genius in comedy and I loved her character on Weekend Update "Roseanne, Rosanna Danna." She had one person complaining in a letter which I then found in a Hallmark card years later for a favorite Aunt, and when I heard my friend's annoyed plea all I could hear and picture was her:

Honestly when he messaged me, I smiled. Not because he had a bad day, but because I loved that he wasn't complaining at me, but rather that after all of that, he wanted to come share the day with me as if thinking, "Ali will make me feel better." I offered all the good vibes and apologies for a yuck day promising a better tomorrow.

This morning was my turn for the bad day. If I'm being honest it's been a rough run all around. It's been quite a roller coaster and many tests of my anxiety, depressive whims and my ability to push through and adult. I'm anything but easy going and these past few weeks have been quite a trial for me.

Today was the breaking point and I really wanted to write it up as an "F this Friday." But I took a lot of deep breaths and pushed through. It was one of those crappy financial situations which wasn't the end of the world but really sucked. One of those things that wasn't your fault really, but wasn't arguable. It was a waste of money and resources, not to mention time, all of which I detest! It was not a great start to my day.

I figured I had a few choices: I could reach out to my co-complainers, aka my friends that always support my annoyances with the fact that they, too, would be annoyed by said situation. I could cry in my car, always good for a day to be not okay. OR, I could therapize through it, meaning using the tools from therapy to get me to not hit melt down mode.

I posted some Pinterest motivational pictures in a collage, and boy I LOVE a good collage, on Instagram and had some of my favorite people reach out to me and remind me I'm loved through the muck, especially when I'm hating myself, and that it's just a bad day. And then I sorted it all out. I felt better.

It was after a major talk session and some light complaining that I realized, not only am I not alone in this kind of thing, meaning it happens to the best of us, but just two days before I had a message from a bestie that exhibited the same kind of day. And then I was reminded of the always amazing skit of "Roseanne Rosanna Danna." I've left it below for your entertainment, but to sum up, rather than be the Bad Day Blogger, I'm with "Roseanne Rosanna Danna," "It's always something," and if it's not one list, it's another but the best thing we can do with it all, is at least have a laugh.

Happy Friday!

Take It Down A Notch

I'm unsure as if it has to do with my being short and sassy, but I'm also naturally loud. It has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion, especially in earlier years of cell phone usage. Sometimes I feel like my inner anxiety is even loud, like SHOUTING, and I just have to breathe and take it down a notch. At 34 I'm still "using my inside voice" in more ways than one!

Above is Ross doing his "quiet down thing," and I feel like I bring this out this reaction in most people. Learning to reign it in mentally, has been a battle all on it's own. I now understand that those moments where my anxiety spins me out of control are kind of like relapses, but as I get better with maintenance, the relapses get less bad in change.

What's weird for me is that I feel like in the midst of the chaos I can handle myself relatively well, but when things get calm and then I hit a speed bump, it's like a red alert. See Michael Scott:

I organize to the point of compulsiveness often, when it comes to budget, bills, scheduling, reservations for things, planning for life, play dates, routines, chores, and everything else in between. Sometimes when bigger things tend to surprise me, it is then I become unhinged. In another aspect, if I'm already struggling with one thing that I'm maintaining my energy with and you throw me another curve ball, you're likely to find me with a black eye. I'm anything but prepared.

In the wake of turning 34 and saying goodbye to my beloved boot camp I felt down a peg or two. I was personally taken down a notch. My birthday was fine, but I was stressed in general, I can't lie. We have tax stuff coming up, bills, car maintenance, and a lot going on for me personally so I was trying so hard to just push through. Yesterday was the beginning of some deep conversational type stuff for life plans and it all just really hit me.

I went from 0 to 60 in nothing flat and was over-dramatizing and just super upset. Goals and plans are important to me. What can I say? I'm extremely Monica:

  

I reached out to my tribe to get all the different sides of the main question I always ask, "Am I allowed to be upset about this?" After careful consideration and reflection, and important opinions, I had to really take it down a notch. My first instinct is always the worst, that's why I never send my first typed response for a heated question via text. My first answer is always, sassy, snarky, and rude. When I put the phone down and take a step back I can answer...the less Anxious Alison way, which is usually nicer.

Later I further investigated the scope of my anxieties and then asked the questions out loud that I needed answered and listened to each response. Active listening is no joke. It is hard! I didn't yell in response, I didn't "freak out," I didn't lose my temper, I just took it all in.

Can we call this all growth? Sometimes handling all of this makes me want to hide and color in my pillow fort. Sometimes I feel like a bad ass full time working mom ready to take on the world! Most of the time it just makes me tired.

Last night after all of this self-inflicted emotional turmoil, and knowing I had a really good weekend ahead of me, I just read Fancy Nancy with my daughter and hugged and kissed her a lot. I breathed a breath of grateful and went to bed. How's that for taking it down a notch?

Much like age has taught me to quiet my voice in every circumstance necessary, age has taught me to handle my anxiety appropriately. Well, age and therapy. I can organize and plan and over-plan or over-book but nothing really prepares you for life's crazy changes, especially when you're already overwhelmed. 

My best tool is taking it down a notch...all of it, all the time, in every avenue. Whether it's my anxiety, my anger, my attitude, my stress, if you can just take a step back, it makes all the difference. I'm seriously starting to relate to the Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson classic, Anger Management now:

It's something that requires attention, mindfulness and it takes a lot of practice. Say Goosfraba if you must! But in all the mania of the past couple weeks, it hasn't hurt to take it down a notch! So down a notch, here I come to embrace the weekend! You all should too!

Life In Proximity To The Hospitality Industry

About a decade ago, I left my life of being a nanny and a full time student in Eugene, Oregon to come to the "beautiful, lawless swamp" that is Florida. My first job was a cashier in a medical apparel store or "Scrub Store" as we called it in the University Community Hospital right by USF main campus.

My husband, however, has always been a restaurant man and a self-taught cook, which is one of the reasons I married him, because I cannot cook, like at all. I can bake a few things but outside of Mac and Cheese, sandwiches and salads, nope.

The hubby got a job at like 19 or 20 maybe at "Pizza Pete's" Italian Kitchen in Eugene and worked his way up from the dish pit and delivery to learning the ropes in the kitchen. From there it was to the new, soon to be hot spot, "El Vaquero," which was Eugene's premier Tapas Bar, and also had one of America's top 5 bartenders, Jeffrey Morgenthaler, as the man behind the cocktails. Morgenthaler and his second in command, Scott Butler, took my hubby under their wing from time to time to show him all about craft cocktails and what real bartenders looked like.

At El Vaquero my husband went from prep to pastry chef and a little bit in between. When the owners saw that he could actually thrive in the kitchen, the sent him across town to his pride and joy, Asado. Asado was a smaller, but also intimate Mexican-type kitchen with tapas and cocktails, and it was there he found his long time friend, Jarred, who was a groomsman at our wedding. He learned how to run a kitchen and even a restaurant during his time there.

When Asado was sold, he moved onto The Old Pad, which was strictly "bar food" and then lastly to the Villard Street Pub near campus. He has learned every single cuisine from scratch, from Italian to Mexican, to Sushi to Coastal Cuisine and lastly, French food. In Florida he got a job at a Sushi place, a Mexican Grille, then a local bar, he helped open a new Coastal Kitchen in Westchase and designed the menu, then for the same company put together craft cocktails and American gastro-pub fare at another new restaurant that holds two locations to this day and will remain nameless. From there he did some time at a local artisan sandwich place, finally landing a high-end French fine dining establishment close to home. He's never gone to culinary school and is extremely talented in my humble opinion.

However, living the life of the wife of a chef, is anything but easy. I had my foray in the food biz about 9 and a half years ago too. We once worked at the same restaurant together, he was in the kitchen and I was front of the house. I had the personality and the energy for it, but I got burned and burned out quickly in every sense of the words. The picture above is from my favorite restaurant life movie "Waiting," which I used to watch weekly to handle the stress of that whole atmosphere.

I was good at my job too, but I had no desire to be a manager and the tipping system where I was, left a lot to be desired. I met some amazing people though, and learned a lot. My biggest takeaway is pictured below, please excuse the swear but unfortunately it is completely true:

While I am incredibly proud of my husband and ever-impressed by his culinary evolution, no one tells you that life in restaurant industry is rough as you enter the family phases. And I say this for me personally, not even just for the man working the stove! We had once talked about running a restaurant together someday, and even once had the opportunity to do so outside of Florida, but as my husband simply said, "Then you would really never see me."

When I say I never see my husband let's break it down for all you non-believers. After half a decade of struggling as parents and job-jumping and life hurdles, I have found my "forever job," that is unless they fire me. It is an 8-5, lunch at noon office type thing. It is reliable with all the benefits that work best for family life. The kid is in school and after care full tilt. My daughter and I are off full weekends and I'm home every single evening.

Hubby is not quite on the same schedule although he did score Saturdays as a routine day off, which is a restaurant life miracle, but regardless, we don't have much time together. In a realistic scope, we have Saturday from about 8:30am to 10pm at night, give or take bed times, so what is that 13ish hours? And we have Sunday mornings from say 7:30am to 1:30pm, but throw in church drumming, commuting and errands, maybe separate cars, we can call that a good 4 hours of seeing each other? And he is off all day Monday and I get home at 6pm and am always in bed by 9pm weekdays so, let's call that 3 hours? So doing the math; 13 + 4 + 3 is...20 hours a week.

I have the opportunity to see my husband for a total of 20 hours a week, at best. That is less than a full day out of 7 days each week. You may think I'm exaggerating or being dramatic, and I'd like to say I am but add in errands, or plans with other people on the nights I have back up and it's easily less than 20 hours a week. It's not an simple thing.

For the longest time, this born of was necessity. When you literally cannot afford childcare or daycare or anything like that but still can't just stay home full time, you work opposite shifts, not matter how crappy and painful. You promise yourself it will get easier as the kiddo gets older and it does in SOME ways, but the more things change, the more things stay the same.

My husband's talents are completely underrated by many; I think my dad and sisters may be his biggest fans. He usually gets irritated because of all the favorite things of his I love for him to make, all I ever want is Tacos and Pizza, which he finds unimpressive. They are so damn good though!

He's always made me insanely proud because he has brought himself up from the dish pit to a sous chef, but that's not to say the life in proximity to the hospitality industry doesn't have its sacrifices and challenges, because it very much does.

The wives that send their men to the army, or that have husbands that constantly travel for business, or their hubby runs a hotel or bar? Those are the women in my tribe who can commiserate, if not trump my whining over wine-ing. It sucks sometimes, but unfortunately I've gotten used to it.

In a perfect world we'd have family meals every evening, we'd have routine nights out and all the sporting events and extra curricular activities would rule our nights and weekends, but we are far from being able to do that. We cram a lot into Saturdays. We juggle a lot on Sunday mornings more often than not, and we just keep on keeping on.

It's hard for a lot of people to understand and sometimes I wonder if we would even know how to be around each other more, if it ever happened. Even on vacations it's like divide and conquer and we have to re-learn how to be around each other for that many hours in row. 

I'm extremely grateful to have a man who works insanely long, 12-14 hour shifts on his feet creating delicious food and still manages to cook for me, while providing for the family. Although, I will say,  life in the hospitality business is not for the faint of heart. There are a million times I wish he could have come home early from a shift to help with the sick kid, the sick dog or a sick me, but alas we continued.

I think life is hard enough as it is, and as we grow older we just look for ways to shape things to ease the rough exteriors and make everything more palatable. I very much have to take one day at a time. I've learned that planning in advance with his career is super difficult. I've learned how to operate around the Kitchen chaos. I've learned that most of kitchen life is fluid and if you can't stand the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen, all puns intended. 

Maybe some day schedules will align and be different but for now, we stay grateful for the food on the table, the roof over our heads and health we have to work the hours we do, especially for him. As I live this life in proximity to the Hospitality Industry I can say I've learned so much and appreciate all the lessons...and the food, but certainly wouldn't mind seeing the man behind the food more often. A girl can dream! Cheers!

Anxietal Shifts, Yes I Just Made Up A New Word

If there was one word used to describe me ever...it would be "anxious." When I was younger and my family went places like amusement parks I was always very aware I could get lost, like really lost because this was before cell phones. If someone says they will be at my house in 10 minutes and don't arrive in 15, clearly they have died in a 40 car pile-up. Okay, I've dialed down the mania by a long shot now but I'm usually the person that is the master of un-calm. The anti-calm if you will.

I don't know if that comes from trauma or it's just me, but here I am. Somehow, in the past year or so, I've been the easygoing one, and have learned a bit of calm, and it's the people I'm used to being calm that have become more unhinged, or at least appear so. It's so weird. Cue the Stranger Things theme music.

I've been prompting myself to better respond, better handle negativity, and control my reaction rather than let myself be disappointed by the actions of others. It's no easy task but I've found the pay-off to be invaluable to my mental state.

Lately I just remind myself that I have virtually no control over anything anymore. I can control my finances, most aspects of my timing, and my behavior; but I can't make people, even my own child, act how I want or need them to. All I can do is control my reaction to the situation in front of me.

Last year we went on the weekend trip from hell. As a family we hadn't traveled together in years. I was very used to it just being my daughter and I. Also, I refused to let the family step in and control the trip so I did everything myself. It went downhill fast.

I booked us on the worst airline that charged for carry on, which I didn't realize until the day before we left. I put the rental car under my husband's name because I have PTSD and hate driving unfamiliar cars, and he forgot his only credit card so they were mean about upholding the reservation. We got to everything late, we were rushed or tired and because karma is awesome, I got food poisoning...badly.

My husband was in a horrible mood the whole time, he was anxious and very angry and frustrated and on edge. Me? I was like "We'll get there when we get there. We'll call the company and figure it out. We'll stay in touch and see if we can make it happen." I was literally vomiting outside of the church where my cousin was about to be married, and I showed up smiling, holding it together and pushing through because...WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

In all my years before I had my child, I was the one with panic attacks that needed calming down. I was the over-thinker and one to throw the tantrums. Had I lost the will to scold? Or had a I outgrown it? If anything teaches you how little control you have, it's parenthood! But, really, where was the shift?

Last week my daughter had her first brush with lice, all the puns intended. I have serious lice PTSD issues, no joke, but my daughter was upset enough. My husband was at work. I just had to handle it. In the days after the treatment we are still checking and combing daily. We had't found much but were staying tenacious. My husband wanted to keep her on lock down as if she had chicken pox she could rub on her friends. I got annoyed and felt like, "Hey we have to let the kid have a life. She has been medicated and treated properly, we are maintaining the issue, we can't keep her prisoner. It will be fine."

I wasn't going to punish my kid for some weird rite of passage and we also did everything in our power for now, and could only treat and then use preventative measures going forward. You really do just have to take things one day at a time.

I'm starting to identify my triggers and when I'm most anxious and it's truly eye-opening. Knowing that has helped to calm my busy mind when the chaos creeps up. You'll hear people suggest all the anxiety-quelling tools about mindfulness and meditation but those things are so difficult for me. I do try, but some days are more successful for others. You also have to find what works for you and stick with it, that's my most generic, but best advice.

I don't know when the shift was exactly. We've had such a rough handful of years maybe I can just handle close to anything at this point. Mostly, I just don't have the energy to let everything ruin me anymore. Again, maybe this comes in part of recovery from all the trauma, but every day has it's challenges and let downs. It is up to me and only me as to how I handle them.

In some ways I am so proud and impressed with myself from this shift. I feel like I'm becoming a real grown up. In other ways I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being upset before, but I learned through the hardships, so I have that. The "anxietal" shift is still in flux, but I'm enjoying the ride now more than ever. I'm much better equipped to say the least. I wonder what shifts are yet to come and I certainly hope to never regress on my forward journey. I'm told that "relapses" are common but I think they will be lesser and lesser as I continue to tackle this thing called life.

There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

The Etiquette Of Feelings

Yesterday I got disappointing news, which will be delved into via blogging soon enough, but I've had quite an interested communicative 24 hours and I'm going to jump into that today. Here we go!

I'm a highly-sensitive over-thinker, it is a blessing and a curse. When you attract people to you that lack empathy, it's torture, but when you find anyone who remotely attempts to "get you" it's like discovering a gold mine. The rollercoaster of emotions can be tough but I've been working very, very hard to better reach a medium.

I've been binge-ing way too much 90210 so when I got the bad news, I felt like organizing some kind of "Donna Martin Graduates" picket line or showing everyone we needed to "Save The Peach Pit," and write editorial type letters and go up against the big guys to save the little ones! Then I decided to just look at the alternatives and attempt to move forward.

I've done a lot of talking myself out of anxious situations lately and was actually complimented on it yesterday. It's so weird how we react to certain things and then people seem to be impressed by how well we manage those reactions. When I was 19, I had a boyfriend that was not a great guy. He lied to me a lot, stole from me often, probably cheat on me, and raised his hand to me threatening a hit a time or two.

When his roommates got wind of his pill problem and money issues, he was evicted, and I was on vacation only to come home to him picking me up at the airport 5 hours late and then having him attempt to turn me against some of my best friends. When I got home and heard from the roommates, at first I was in denial, there was no way it all came to that point. Once the issue was in front of me, and he had "borrowed" my car and my laptop, I just had get my stuff back and begin to repair the damage. 

I was only 19, so we weren't "in love," but I thought maybe he actually cared about me. And when I found out all the deceit and that I'd lost money and some dignity, instead of throwing a tantrum I just thought, "Well, you learned a valuable lesson." One of his roommates was left on "Ali watch" and spent the day with me, the TV and a pizza and I remember him saying, "Ya know Alison, I gotta say, I really respect the way you're handling this. You don't deserve it. He was an asshole, but I admire you for keeping it together and moving forward instead of flipping out." 

That's an odd but affirming compliment right? These kinds of sentiments I've experienced more lately. But I've also discovered that I deeply feel we lack a basic foundation of etiquette when  it comes to people share their feelings anymore. 

Now, in this day and age I hate throwing around the word "Normal." A favorite person in my life about 13 years ago said to me, "Normal is what you know." Based on that definition, and in my experience, when people share a disappointment, upset or loss it's often normal to say, "I'm sorry," or "That sucks," or "What a shame!" Something along those lines would suffice, but lately I have found these sentiments to be elusive.

Emotions are rough territory for everyone, but I tread lightly because more and more I feel that everyone just needs some kindness and support, no matter what their situation. With my daughter when she throws a fit I often tell her "I'm so glad you are sharing your feelings and expressing what's going on, but we can find the solution and it's important to calm down so we can figure this out." She responds so much better to that than my yelling about dealing with things, which can happen after a long day.

I've had friends tell me about great deals of stress on them from finances, relationships, jobs, children, and then some and I always try to listen intently and just say, "I'm sorry that happened," in one way or another. Usually you're met with "Don't apologize it's not your fault," but the CONDOLENCES are important to me; I'm showing I care and acknowledge that things are kinda crappy in that moment.

I haven't found the same kinds of responses from people lately, and it honestly makes me feel alienated and inclined to recoil from social interactions. We live in a world where suicide rates are high and when we lose those lives the stories are all, "They seemed fine, they were always happy, they brought so much joy." So, I think validation and acknowledgement of feelings are completely essential.

I had a friend tell me that schedules were so insane, that planning was rough and if a plan happened it would be last minute. I suck at those kinds of things. I'm a planner. It was in the midst of this conversation the text appeared and read, "I won't know my availability until later, and that's not fair to you." I just sat and read that for a minute. "That's not fair," I read again. Talk about a momentary affirmation and little win! Finally, my explanation of how hard it was for my anxiety and personality to plan like that was not only acknowledged, but respected wonderfully, with a single text! It was that response that helped me let down my guard and be more flexible, allowing for a joint, and "fair" planning to commence.

The thing is, I overthink enough to know that everyone operates on their own wavelength so I put a lot of energy into not becoming offended or upset when people don't have the response I'm looking for, but it doesn't take away that feeling of disappointment when you reach out to someone, and they aren't reaching back.

Some of my closest friends I've found in the past handful of years have been the people I can share my weirdest disappointments with but respond with a simple, "That sucks I'm sorry!" In fact I had a great girl friend text me when I was sad I had to get rid of my spin class and say "I know how much you loved spin and I'm sorry you can't go anymore." HOW AMAZING, but simple, IS THAT?

We are in a world where feelings are rampant and ever present in each exchange, text message and post. The inspirational quotes, the deep but maybe sad quotes, the silly memes, the ridiculous gifs, and the jokes are all the feels being shared. Basic etiquette asks for an acknowledgment of them. Why do you think Facebook has "likes," and now has "reaction" emojis? It's an acknowledgment. We need this more outwardly I feel, or maybe I just thrive on this more than most.

I encourage anyone to check in with each other and acknowledge. It could be a post about a crap day and a text that says "Hope tomorrow is better!" It could be a favorite show getting cancelled, it could be a bounced check and overdraft fee, it could be a family member dying or a cancer diagnosis, but when someone shares something that is affecting them, I hope we can all take a moment to just say, "That's rough," or "I'm so sorry you're going through that." We are quick to jump to applauding the great news, and quicker to divert to side stepping the uncomfortable news. 

As far as all of these feels being published online, I just ask that we find a happy medium and not let a friend's feelings fall by the wayside. Life is hard enough, we need way more kindness and affirmation, and way less disregard. With that said, I'm going to check in with a bunch of people and get to supporting and acknowledging. I consider it research for this post and of course, will report back.