Singing Bowl Sanity

So yesterday was a bad day, hence no post. We all have bad days, it is an essential part of life. Ironically is was not the first time I'd experienced this particular kind of bad day, but it was the first time that it didn't sink the entirety of my day.

I had sent a text to a friend that I was "coming to terms with certain realities." The response was that she had no idea what that means. So here goes:

There is a freedom in acceptance of circumstances, even disappointing ones. I've spent the last few years idling in fear. Fear of what? Loss of all different makes and models. Yesterday though, I addressed those fears, looked them in the eye and said, "Bring it."

I've worked unbelievably hard to get where I am today. There is a part of me that gets tearful at the thought that it could go away and I would have to completely restart my life at this point but another part of me that no longer has the will to allow that to hold me back. Looking at those insecurities and fears and literally saying to myself, "That actually wouldn't be the worst, because you can clearly handle anything," is the nicest thing I've done for myself in a very, very long time.

Yesterday I had a heartbreaking conversation with my longest and oldest friend who lives overseas. This is a person who has championed me no matter what, and has never told me what to do or how to live my life but rather just was there when I needed him. I told him I was having a bad day and I needed to talk. I asked if he could message me when he was free. He messaged me back immediately.

I word vomited my entire heart onto a screen and his reaction was beyond supportive, beyond encouraging, and exactly what I needed. I felt bad pouring all of that out and when I admitted even that, his response was "I'm impressed." He gave me instant validation that it took a lot to say or type or admit it all and that he was there for wherever things went. It was an internet hug of the best kind.

Ironically I had made plans with a good friend to go to a Singing Bowl Meditation class at a yoga center for last night. I had arranged a sitter and was completely open to whatever I got from the experience. The two people that knew the reality of my situation that I had told I was going to meditation and may just cry the entire class, said, "That may be the perfect thing for you today and it may be no mistake that is where you will end up this evening."

They were completely correct. Honestly, I fell deep in love with hippie culture at a very young age. I miss Oregon, but I just couldn't handle the cold, gray rain with what was happening in my life at the time. Everything else about Oregon I completely love, and all of the hippie, yoga, realign, live organically and purely stuff, I always embraced.

When my friend invited me she said "You're literally the only friend I can take." I laughed because I didn't know if that was a compliment? Turns out it was a big one. 

Don't get me wrong, the class itself is weird. The instructor is in a class all her own, but my brain was turned off by force of sound and it was amazing. There were moments where my mind would get frenzied and then some sound or chant or hum would shut it down. It was perfect.

I left feeling a new wave of "rested," went home, had some tea and got some much-needed rest. I'm being incredibly calm and patient with my body today and am feeling more aware. It's one of those things that I definitely wish I could attend regularly but generally just feel blessed for having the experience at all. 

There was absolutely no mistake in that being the end of my emotional day. There were moments were I felt proud of myself for not reacting as I had in the past to the events that led to my near-mental collapse, and it reaffirmed the work I have been doing. There were regretful moments of "how did I get here?" Regardless, the singing bowls seemingly saved my sanity for the day and that is quite a powerful accomplishment.

Being forced to be still and embrace the chakras and heart centers and light? It was necessary and healing for my trauma. Listening to the calming and unusual sounds and just releasing some tension? Beyond necessary. I felt all the stress and I felt it dissipate.

It was a great gift from a friend that I didn't even know how desperately I needed and I feel so lucky to have been invited. I woke up ready to just take things as they come and not just face, but embrace the new realities.

Right now my body is physically challenging me and I'm in the midst of an intensive diet and eating habit change. Mentally I'm having to regroup, rebuild and prepare for anything. Emotionally I'm taking literally one minute at a time. The daily goal is just to not cry.

This is what I know: I will not be saying yes to much through the end of the year in terms of extra plans. I am in self preservation mode and can't let obligatory things get in the way of my sanity. I will drown it out with singing bowls if needed. 

I may not be posting as much, but will definitely do what I can for the remainder of the year. I will continue though, because that is what we do. We continue. So away I go. 

Bye Bye Boot Camp; The End Of An Era

On February 1st, 2014 I started my journey with Boot Camp at Bayside. We were living in Westchase and I was, for lack of a better word, overweight. My daughter had just celebrated her 1st birthday and I was ready to get my fitness back.

I used to LOVE the YMCA, and I tried to go back, but unfortunately I had a bad experience with their daycare, and I needed to find something to do when my husband was home. At this time, I was working from home, overnights between 12AM and 6AM. I was usually only scheduled from about 12 to 3 or 4, so I had time before my husband left for work at 10AM or 12PM to make sure I could sneak in a workout before he left or even better, before the baby got up. 

I was super active on Facebook in groups like Westchase Swap and Shop and Westchase Garage Sale, so I started looking for an alternative to some expensive gym with not great class times and someone suggested Boot Camp at Bayside, hosted just over the Oldsmar bridge in wonderful, Safety Harbor. I messaged the person in charge and he said they were having a Saturday workout to come and try it, see if it fits.

So, the day of my daughter's 1st birthday party, I went at 7AM to try it out. I could barely keep up and had multiple wardrobe malfunctions; I was not used to fitness including "mom boobs." I made it through and was invited to come right back on Monday morning at 6:15AM. We took this picture at her party that same afternoon when the soreness was kicking in.

I made it back Monday for a workout called "Island Party" and there was no party about it. I pushed myself, but my trainer eventually cut me off from all the running laps. It was grueling and hard, but the great thing about Boot Camp was it was a workout for every fitness level. You had moms like me, guys that were super athletic and didn't want to deal with the gym, runners, cross-fit fans, and everything in between.

I was a good 50 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant and I'd never been so big. It was time to get to work. It was not an easy 3 month start, but what was great was you started to get to know the people you worked out with too. It was a whole different thing than the gym. I spent the first year of Boot Camp in the 6:15 class and my trainer introduced me to something called, "Savage Race," which I did my first one of just 6 months later. That was so difficult. I barely jogged in between the obstacles and I certainly couldn't do all the obstacles but I got muddy and had fun.

It was also during this time period that an older boot camper heard me talking about working overnight and then coming to boot camp. He said, "You are home all day with the baby, you work from 12AM to 4AM and then come to boot camp at 6:15AM, 3 days a week?" He asked me if my husband could stay home with the baby if I worked during the day shift and said, "We might be able to find you something that works with your schedule," and handed me a business card to a car dealership.

I went in for an interview and was hired; and it was all because of Boot Camp. By the end of 2014, I had a new job, was down at least 30 pounds, had finished one Savage race, was training for another in 2015. I was ready to keep working hard. 

When I got the job at the dealership and decided I wanted to get much stronger, I started going to the 5:15AM Boot Camp class, which was much faster and more dedicated than those in the 6:15AM class. Then I started doing 2 hours of Boot Camp to train for Savage Race, and jog on my days off. I ran 2 Savage Races in 2015, March and October, and the March one was my best because I didn't get super sick after all that exertion, which was good. I sure had cold, muddy fun though!

I was super fit and having a great time, working normal hours and becoming myself again. I started to get to know everyone in my boot camp better. I met a lot of local moms and got to know my trainer to the point where I watched his kiddos from time to time and think he just might consider me a friend. When 2015 ended I was doing great and we had just moved into Safety Harbor, also with the help of Boot Camp, who recruited the Bayside Men's Group to help haul, load and unload. We provided bagels and coffee.

Boot Camp became a staple in my life. It was just always there. And I knew enough people in the group that we would always check in on each other and keep each other motivated. If you missed too many boot camps and weren't on vacation, you'd hear about it. You could be at the store and run into someone asking if you were okay, you could be on Facebook posting funny gym memes, or my favorite, in traffic and a Boot Camper pulls up next to you shouting about where you were that morning. It's a family.

I met most of my closest mom friends in Boot Camp, and in 2016, Boot Camp literally was our saving grace when we got into the car accident. In June 2016, a Wednesday morning after boot camp, and on my way to my job at the dealership, we got into a nasty car accident that put us all into the hospital, 2 out of 3 of us had severe injuries.

My boot camp mom squad and I used to have a morning Facebook group chat with, knew I was always quick to respond to anything. That morning they'd heard nothing from me and they knew something was wrong. One of my boot camp mom friends, and someone who I consider a mentor, beat us to the hospital when I called her to come help. And when my trainer checked in on us, I made a snarky comment about all we need is lots of money, and he took up a boot camp collection the next morning. He also showed up with a bunch of hand me down toys for my kiddo and helped us arrange anything we needed.

My boot camp family got me clothes for the hospital. Boot Campers bought us a new bed for our recovery because our old one wouldn't work. They CLEANED MY FILTHY HOUSE while we were in the hospital. They set up food delivery of casseroles and bought my kiddo toys and projects for her recovery. They donated gift cards, pizza money, spending cash and one mom even stocked my fridge with beer. They checked in often and I can now reveal, you boot campers made my big husband cry because I was so lucky to know you all. We even had a friend mow our lawn every two weeks for 2 months because my husband's shoulder was messed up.

Boot Camp at Bayside has helped me become healthy in more ways than one. And, sadly, Friday is the last day. This is not just for me; two weeks ago my trainer announced that the church no longer wished to host our morning routines and he would be looking into alternatives. While he has other plans in motion, the 5:15AM class days are officially over. 

This hit me really hard because no matter what over the past few years, Boot Camp was just there. It was a kind of "home base" for fitness and friendships. It was insanely affordable, comfortable and you worked out with your friends who were like family. No matter what our personal lives threw at us, we had boot camp. It didn't matter if you gained weight, ate too much, or had a bad week, people would encourage you and push you a little bit more to do better. 

In 2018 I joined another gym in addition to boot camp to get back into cycling and boot camp was still my most consistent routine. When you've been waking up at 4:45 for 4 years, you kind of get used to it. And even with weight fluctuations, I've kept a good 40 pounds off and stayed strong.

 

Closing Boot Camp at Bayside was a depressing announcement and he got a lot of people talking to him about, well what next? For me, it just broke me that the family I had known so well wouldn't congregate anymore. Sure you can always change up a routine, and you won't lose the relationships but Boot Camp is a GREAT workout! And even the workouts of the day I "hate" are still good for me! It's the end of an era!

Friday is my last day of 5:15AM Boot Camp at Bayside with all of my favorite people and I may actually cry. How do you say goodbye to something so simple, that completely changed your life for the better? Boot Camp kicked my butt into losing weight, and got me back into church to meet amazing people and helped me find job opportunities and direct me to where I belong. Boot Camp was my stability and a rock of fitness; always dependable. It will be missed. That may even be an understatement

While I'm super glad my trainer is moving onto new things, there is a part of me that will always be sad that it couldn't last forever but what is that saying, "Nothing good can stay?"

The memories and workouts will always be there, and the friendships will definitely outlast the Boot Camp at Bayside legacy. 

So for my year of 34, it might not have Boot Camp but it certainly has new challenges and positive changes. So Friday morning we will say goodbye to our Boot Campers and close the book on a pretty big fitness chapter. I will definitely be in mourning though, because losing this routine is a huge hit, but if Boot Camp left me with anything, it's the ability to work through it all, especially physically!

Working Out: It's In The Name That You "Work"

Luna has one neighborhood friend and they live a block away, which I love because there's no waiting for someone to get home to play drama. It just so happens I ran into my neighbor at the gym so we have that now too. Well, actually I had to cancel my membership so probably not but she said happily, "Now I know who I can work out with!" 

Uh, not so much. Yeah I'm an antisocial workout person in terms of, when I go to workout, I'm on a mission so I'm not there to chat. If you want to chat, I'll meet you at a coffee shop no problem, but I don't do the "workout and hangout." I can't multitask that way. I can't count my reps and have a discussion about anything else with you. 

When I was younger my mom had a few words to describe my physical appearance and the one that has always stuck with me is "round." I've always been at the top of my weight range for my height. I blame this on growing up in the land of ShooFly Pie, TastyKakes, Pen Supreme Iced Tea and all things Pennsylvania Dutch, but also, my mom was a junk foodie and I ate all the things at friends houses I could never have too.

When I was in like 7th grade I did my first and only season of Basketball. I slimmed down a bit. When I was in high school, I played tennis. This was after my mom and dad had split up so left under my dad's dietary rules, I got skinny. It was even unbeknownst to me that I became fit until I saw some homecoming pictures from one year to the next. I learned quickly that I can eat stuff, but I also have to work out a lot to burn it off. 

As soon as I spent one year with my mom I gained a bunch back because I was eating out all the time, I wasn't playing any sports and my friend worked at Baskin Robbins. That's when I really saw the difference. When I got shipped back to live with my Dad I got back into the gym. This is where the obsession began. I had taken a few spin classes here and there but I loved group fitness like step class, weight training and yoga. Anything where I could go and be told what to do and earn some yummy food later, I was in. But I never needed a friend to go with me; I was always most comfortable solo.

I found my first nanny job because of a YMCA kickboxing class. Little known fact, I was almost a step instructor in my early 20s but too many of my friends got me away from that being a feasible idea. By the time 21 hit and it was all about drinking your calories and hangover food I had gotten "round" again. During a really bad time for me mentally and personally as I entered into therapy, part of my depression and anxiety management was working out and maintaining routines.

I was already on a strict schedule when I got married and I'm happy to say, I was as skinny and healthy as I ever was for our wedding. I was able to maintain about a 10 pound range of that and worked out consistently from then on, until I became pregnant. Not only did movement the first 3 months just make me want to puke in general, but all I wanted to do was sleep. Then I ate all the things for my last two trimesters and gained way too much.

When my daughter was a year old I went back to it and found my faithful favorite, a local Boot Camp, which has since helped me lose about 40 pounds, on top of toning and strengthening. This was not easy. The first 6 months were brutal. Then my trainer challenged me to try something called The Savage Race. The first one nearly killed me and I couldn't even jog the whole thing. But then I challenged myself to two more, and the second of 3 was my most successful. To train for this I did 2 hours of boot camp, not just one, and ran a couple miles on off days. It worked.

I don't know if I'll ever quite be as skinny as the wedding days me, but now I'm at least in my pre-baby pants size range. Now knowing this, here is what you must understand, I work out with a group often, I'll enter a race with people but I'm running for me and me alone. I have my own goals and you don't have to keep up with me, nor I you because I'm in it for my own gain, not to socialize. I seriously don't know how people can run and talk. I need music or working out is pointless. And you can bet I have an epic workout playlist!

It's not that I can't go to the gym with people, but don't expect me to chit chat and socialize when I'm trying to kick my own ass. So when people ask me to run, my headphones are in and I'm in my own place. It's me, the music, the challenge. So I get a little socially awkward and put off when people want to be gym buddies and I seriously only offer to go to the gym with someone if they are wanting to commit to kicking some butt. And even then, I don't train "with them," I'm just there for moral support. Odds are I will be on the other side of the gym unless we take a spin or yoga class together.

I feel like working out is meant to be hard work, so why have anything in your way. We get in our own way enough so why have unnecessary exterior distractions. Maybe that's just my strange introverted extroverted ways but that's what works for me.

For me, working out is my most selfish and sacred "me time." It makes me feel better, sleep better and be a nicer human. I have no problem getting up at 4:45AM and going to work out if it makes my entire day easier. I never regret a workout I completed, just the ones I didn't. 

My boot camp buddies and I all keep tabs on each other. We check in and make sure we're missing class for life reasons instead of slacking. We invite each other to try other new things. We push each other. I always fell behind the group and was last across the finish line for Savage Race but my boot campers were always waiting, cheering me on. That's why I'm 5 years strong and would never quit going.

I've made a lot of friends through boot camp, whom I've run races with but not with, if that makes any sense. We see each other there and give hi-fives and maybe encourage each other with a little push but all do our own thing. I very much value the separate togetherness. Even when my husband used to hit the gym with me, he'd be weight training and I'd be in yoga. We all have our own workout routines that work for us.

So sure, I can take one for the team and go work out with some one from time to time, but mostly you'll see me fiercely focused, especially when on the treadmill lip-syncing "Girls" by Beyonce or "Woman" by Kesha. Yeah I tend to rock out when I workout and make sure no one gets the idea to talk to me when I'm in the zone! I'll be over here putting the "work" in "workout."