Sore Makes Me Less Sorry For Myself

I had an old friend check in on me yesterday. Whenever life mentally beats me down, I kind of go hermit and hide from people. I start to refrain from checking in and just kind of try and keep afloat. We have become better in the last year of the every few months check in and as someone who I would consider one of my closest friends and someone I admire in life and motherhood, her check in came in right on time.

Having confessed to her last year my personal struggles with all things life and then finding out hers was similar and not all smiles and cute kids, she always asks about my big struggle. Yesterday I told her "I work out, A LOT, to burn off some of the stress."

I added an "LOL," to lighten the heaviness that might come with that commentary and realized this morning how happy I'd felt all week being so sore and sleeping so well, because I had kicked my butt physically. I think being sore made me feel less sorry for myself after my relapse of high anxiety and deep depression last weekend.

I think it's something that can be hard for people to grasp but because my mind is often like a hamster spinning on a wheel to nowhere, a focused workout or even a treadmill run takes all my mental energy and harnesses it for good, leaving me able to rest at ease later. I wish I could call it a vanity thing like I wanted to be "hot" and "slim" but that has almost nothing to do with it. I like to look healthy, which has a wide definition, different for everyone, but skinny is not my goal.

When I had my first realization of how deep my depression and anxiety where I was about 22 or 23. I had lost both of my grandparents within a year and my mom had a cancer scare with a large tumor removed. I had been through a lot with personal relationships and was mid-college trying to figure out this thing called life. In my therapy they emphasized the importance of routine, physical activity and structure. 

I would say I religiously follow that rule about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety that physical activity is tantamount to my mental recovery. I always feel badly when I don't work out and the sore is better than the sorry for myself. I always catch myself being at my worst when and if I'm not moving around enough.

Working out has always been my therapy, especially when we couldn't afford someone for me to talk to. When I work out it's usually just myself and my music. Music is therapy part two. There is nothing I can't do, and no mental anguish if I have the perfect play list, even if that play list is all depressing stuff.

I rest better at night, both physically and mentally, when I know I have physically exhausted myself. This can sound kind of masochistic but I actually just love that sense of accomplishment. I know plenty of people who live on protein shakes and hardcore diets and serious fitness goals and I'm happy that works for them, but I like knowing I can indulge in ice cream guilt free because I kicked my ass throughout the day.

When I feel sore, not only am I far less sorry for myself in general, but I know I did something right to keep feeling that work out as the day goes on. Yesterday I was laughing out loud at how much it hurt from soreness to run and to do other exercises because I had given myself consistently great workouts throughout the week. 

This morning I realized how imperative my workouts are for everything. I recently started taking my daughter to the gym with me. Not only is she old enough to actually take in what I'm doing, but she can sit and chill while I get my workout in, and if it's slow enough, join me a bit. Now my mom gave me a huge complex about my body, which I am fighting tooth and nail to NOT to do my daughter at all. I always tell her she's fantastic. "Fat" is like a swear word in our house. I want her to understand health and happiness, so I try to lead by example.

Some people may view my twice daily workouts five days a week as excessive or obsessive. But one could also say the same for Keto-dieters, taking all kinds of supplements or meal-planning, weight watchers and so on and so forth. To each their own. For me it is 90% mental health practices and 10% fitness related.

Also, I like working out. It is something I actually enjoy. I don't "enjoy" running but I'll do it sometimes. I do my best to make anything that makes me sore, at least less of a chore than other things. We all have workouts we like, and workouts we don't. I try and keep a decent mix.

For me working out is part of health care. It's preventative and part of a healthy lifestyle. Look I eat cookies, and cake, and many "unhealthy" things but all in moderation. So working out is meant to bring me some balance, both physically and mentally. It's what I strive for.

I think it would be easy to see my posts and say I'm a work-out-aholic. It could be easy to exchange one form of obsession or compulsion for another, but I think the work out obsession may be safer than a binge-eating situation. Some of the most functional people I know have a good workout routine and decent eating habits, even if they have a cheat day from time to time.

After my recent mental mis-step I'm just taking pride in the fact that I'm very aware of what to do to get myself back on my feet, so to speak. I know what my mind and body need and I'm not afraid or ashamed to share that. I love that being sore keeps away the "sorrys." I don't need to throw myself a pity party because we all have our mental woes. I need to continue to heal, and continue to grow. My fitness regimes feed that growth and healing and keep those endorphins flowing freely!

Also, Elle Woods is my girl so, I kinda like to follow her life model. Happy Friday!

Aches, Pains and Muscle Strains

I saw this amazing quote that said "Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body." I tense up often when I'm anxious and stressed. I grind my teeth. I feel bloated and heavy, no matter what the scale says. I usually avoid the scale though.

I think I had felt this the most yesterday. I wasn't weighed down by impending social time I was just more, okay we can do this because it works for today, but it doesn't have to always work. I've had to slow myself down and work diligently on accepting things as they come. I'm an over-planner, over-thinker and feel I am at my best when I'm insanely busy, but I've forced myself to slow down and I like it a little better.

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I'm a work in progress and there is too much room to improve with things. I could be more productive and schedule better and more. I could coupon, find ways to save online, shop more here and less there, and so on and so forth. I could thrift more!

But guess what? I'm tired. I really just am tired a lot and I'm done berating myself about it. This is life. You gotta roll with the punches sometimes.

I've had this shoulder issue for the past 6 years. It's not an always thing, sometimes I swear it's like quarterly at best. It flares up, I need to ice and heat, turning my neck is uncomfortable. Sometimes I need to nurse it more gently than other times. 

This weekend was spent icing it. Friday was when I seriously irritated it. I cleaned as much as I could to get it over with so I could rest more, and then finally admitted I was in some pain. More often I go for the heating pad, but it seemed to make it worse. Icing it, if nothing else, numbed that sucker. 

With age comes aches, strains and muscle pains I've found. I noticed this first, shortly after childbirth. Weird things were hurting. Now I have knee aches, I have shoulder aches, neck aches. I can strain something by looking at it wrong. I've heard this only gets worse and I know my husband is worse because he's on his feet all day, but this part of adulthood is not my favorite.

My dad admitted to me that his knees have given him issues and he believes to have bestowed that upon me. Thanks dad! Everything else, I relate to stress because stress is easy to blame.

Saturday I started taking some new supplements in an effort to help my wonderfully failing thyroid. I feel a little better today, more energy I think, but we will see any long term effects. It was yesterday though, that someone said that I looked great and I realized that maybe my pants size and thighs weren't telling me that exactly, but I was probably carrying less.

One of  my greatest struggles is self care. I put myself lastly last always. I've had to stop doing that. While sometimes compromise is necessary, it is not always so. 

Sure my daughter comes first, but sometimes I can adequately explain to her that mommy just needs a little time to do this, that or the next thing. Taking the time, to take some of the weight off, makes all the difference. There are still days that are an epic fail but more often I can nurse the physical and metaphorical aches, pains and muscle strains that come with adulting.

Life can be a pain in every sense. Sometimes basic interactions can give you aches of all kinds. You can strain yourself just as easily mentally as you can physically. A little self care can go a long way. I find that life is often heavier than we are expecting. In our minds we think "oh I can handle that," and then we go to lift and hear something pop in some way or another.

I couldn't think of something to write about today. Okay, correction, I had three different ideas for what and how to write about but I got distracted and couldn't make a point. This had a point! You have to take care of all parts of yourself, and listen to really lose that extra weight of life. As far as diets, different stuff works for different people and I have no business telling people how to work out and what to eat. As far as the aches, pains and muscle strains of stress, anxiety and life, my advice is to give yourself a break. I think your body will thank you in more ways than one!

Finding What Works, Accepting What Doesn't

I had to take a step back recently. I'd hit a weird workout plateau or wall even, and I also started reverting back to my comfort coping mechanism routines instead of getting into new ones. In the midst of all of this, I just paid a bit closer attention to some things and realized quite a bit.

When boot camp ended there were a handful of us moms that took it pretty hard. We had gone for years and years and we lost a staple in our lives. During all the bad times and hurdles in life, we had good ol', reliable boot camp, and it was no more. I decided to look at this in a positive way like, "Okay, I have been sick of those 5 specific workouts for years and I was feeling kinda lackluster anyway so, this could be a good time for a change." Others had far more opposition and weren't able to see anything positive about it. 

When I started 9Rounds, I was so excited because I got a raise to be able to afford it AND I'd always loved kickboxing. I had been wanting to join a kickboxing gym for over a decade. Goal met! I had two moms in tow to start the 9Rounds journey, both of whom have since decided it's not for them. Their attendance was a good "get in and get going," for me at the start, but I have always been one to establish my own routines and work hard, with or without a buddy. And, in my experience, the longer you go to the gym solo, you end up making buddies in said gym anyway.

When I realized that 9Rounds was barely helping me sustain and I had gained a bit, I was upset at first and had my tantrum. But then, with that ever-so-important step back, I realized that over the past 6 years, all of my weight loss successes and long-term energy spurts have only happened with excessive workouts. It is the way my body is built now, and I accept that. 

I started to look around for other gyms or programs to supplement with 9Rounds but the cost was just too much. So then I thought, "I bet my work complex has a fitness center, and I bet us employees have access, so I should just ask the building manager!" I did, and she said to go ahead and enjoy. Not only am I using my lunch break in a much better way, I'm no longer spending money on unnecessary things while wandering St. Pete, I'm not out in the sun and heat or unpredictable rain, and I usually have the place to myself, so it's like a quiet little haven.

I saw the difference immediately in energy levels and just my physical well being. Immediately I was sleeping better and eating better because of the new routine. As my mom friends explained why they weren't kickboxing with me anymore, I told them that I started running on my lunch breaks and that it's an adjustment after 5 years of the same routine. I don' begrudge them finding their own way or managing their own struggles.

My old trainer from boot camp and I stay in touch. The only reason I can't go to his new workout class is because it's at 6AM and I have to be in the car by 7:15AM, ready to go to work. He joked with me that I needed a new job and I giggled because, I have the best job I've had since I left nanny-ing, and this job is worth any other sacrifice!

So again, with a step back I looked and reminded myself, that I fought really, really hard to get HERE. I once told my best friend awhile ago that when I was 19 I had two goals: to be able to afford a fancy coffee every day (aka coffee shop coffee) and to be able to afford "the good" toilet paper. By the time I was 25 I realized that fancy coffee shop coffee is a much nicer treat from time to time, and I can make great coffee at home for cheaper too. And "the good" toilet paper isn't cheap, so generic works just as well for the job! At 34, fancy coffee shop coffee is a serious treat I allow myself once or twice a week as I'm super picky and immediately get pissed if it's not made right, and "the good" toilet paper is based on what's on sale and coupons.

Things CHANGE, you evolve, you learn, you grow. Sometimes we don't want the change. Sometimes we detest the change, but you have to find what works, and if it doesn't just find a way to accept it. Or maybe find a medium of, "Okay this isn't working as I'd expected, so what can I be doing to deal with what is at hand?"

For me, for my kickboxing and working out, I realized I needed to pay closer attention to my movements in 9Rounds and supplement any exercise I couldn't do properly, rather than half-assing something. 

I realized that because it was a completely different brand of cardio than my body had become so used to, I needed to jog it out and do some additional weight training to balance everything out, and for me IT IS WORTH IT, because then I don't have to feel bad about enjoying food and life. I refuse to regret and damned doughnut unless it was actually like a bad doughnut.

This is part of the whole adulting process and everyone hits it at their own pace, but I'm there right now and when you see other friends flailing, sometimes it's hard not to step in and talk about all this, but when I had people come at me negatively it didn't "snap me" into growing, it probably just stunted me moreso, actually. 

Sometimes all of this, sucks, I won't sugar coat it, but in my humble opinion, it's worth it. Finding what works can be daunting and exhausting, at times even leave you feeling hopeless. Accepting what doesn't work can be exactly the same if not worse, but all of this is a part of life.

Everyone will be different too, but I wish we could just be supportive of each other. I have one mom friend who is always apologizing for not coming to work out with me. I never shame her or guilt her, I just say, "If you need rest or you're not up for it, I'll be there tomorrow with you so take care of yourself." Making her feel bad won't make her come back!

I've been having a struggle with church attendance recently and there is one particular church-goer who likes to bring this up whenever I manage to get myself in there. Last time took the cake of the comment, "I hope you know I'm not really trying to give you a hard time we just miss you." While the thought is nice, telling me every single time you see me that you haven't seen me in forever and you wish we would be around more, starts to sound "scoldy" and kinda mean. It's like when someone asks you to help them and then they say, "but no pressure." You just put the pressure on by adding that! And what happens to me when these situations come up? It makes me not want to go to church, because I'd rather be out of sight, out of mind, and it makes me not want to help because if I don't help, I can't get pressured while helping.

What works for me is surrounding myself with the support of my tribe; people that get me (as much as they can). The more I force myself into uncomfortable situations for obligatory things, I realize, this doesn't work and I accept that part of me. There's a certain balance with going outside your comfort zone; parameters if you will. Establishing these is another process but can be helpful in your progress towards peace. For me, that's my ultimate goal, more peace and much less stress. A girl can dream, can't she?

Ask And Ye Shall Receive...The Most Out Of Shape Person Who Works Out There Ever Was

It's been almost exactly 3 months since boot camp ended; 3 months. I miss it, I do but I don't miss running. At my latest obsession, 9 Rounds Kickboxing Fitness, you don't have to run. It is my single favorite thing about the new gym. No running.

I haven't hidden my recent weight and self esteem struggle at all. I think it popped up in May and at every nagging voice about my weight, I'd shove something down it's metaphorical throat to shut it up. I went through clothes in May and some shorts were a little bit tighter than last summer. I gave them away because "they weren't sparking joy." I justified. I was trying so hard to stay positive but it was killing me.

No diet change, I'm working out 5 to 6 times a week at 9 Rounds, sometimes even a double workout day one of those days, how could I have gained weight? Then I caved and did the thyroid. Maybe it was worse than I thought right? Boy did I pay for being wrong on that one!

It wasn't until my blissful, yet bloated weekend with my husband that I finally realized, okay something is just off. I had a glimmer of hope with some summer spin class time, but then I started obsessing about it mentally. 

I thought, "Okay you've only lost weight since the baby, when you're doing double work outs, so, maybe that is just what your body is demanding of you. You can do that." But then I realized, I have very limited time to do extra anymore. Perhaps I could bribe my child to sit idly at 9 Rounds in the evenings, but she needed her chill time, hell, so did I so that doesn't seem fair.

Then I asked my husband to clean the garage after taking to Pinterest and pinning all those workouts I'll never ever do but are a click away if I need them! I told my husband we needed a mock work out space near the heavy bag so we have less excuses. He actually cleared space yesterday.

But I also realized something and it was like a light-bulb going off in my frenzied mind; the apartment complex adjoining our office suite has a fitness center and I bet we have access to it, because we're all in one big ass space. I'm actually quite good friends with the building manager, I should at least ASK.

Of course that afternoon she took much longer than usual to reply but she said, yes, it is very much available for me to use and directed me to it. I ran right up there, low to no expectations to check it out. It was perfect! Two treadmills, an elliptical and a bike, some weights...and not a soul was in there...this was it!

So I plotted and planned and I decided that since I eat my lunch at my desk anyway, I will be using that room daily and just changing in and out and de-sweating a bit, and 30 minutes of a treadmill run or bike ride will make all the difference. Today was my first day, and MY GOODNESS!

I am officially the most out of shape person who works out 6 days a week that there ever was. How could this be? Let me tell you...BECAUSE I STOPPED JOGGING! It made me so mad. I got on that treadmill and felt like I hadn't run in a year. I said, okay, maybe not at the speed I was 6 months ago. Then everything started to hurt, and I only made it 10 minutes. I caved, I walked the treadmill then hopped over to the elliptical.

It was then that it dawned on me; my body was so used to such large levels of cardio that the kickboxing just wasn't enough. This is discouraging for a million reasons but I'll just list my top five. 1) I feel more intensely like I'm burning more in kickboxing than I had a boot camp. 2) I don't actually "enjoy" running. 3) I practice mindful eating habits, in that I do my best to do everything in moderation. 4) I drink less than half of what I did 2 years ago so this feels very unfair. 5) I'm working out 6 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, I really shouldn't be getting thicker!

Everyone said I was nuts, "Oh you look fine." I got on that My Fitness Pal and did a one day food log and my normal day to day was not only less than 2,000 daily calories, but less than 1,500 unless I splurged, which technically still leaves me 500 left AND I work out! What the hell man! It was becoming so daunting and mentally oppressive.

I had a friend starting Keto and a new workout thing and I have my own personal reservations and issues with Keto, well and all diets really but I just know it's not for me. I've seen people thrive on Keto, so more power to them, you have my full support but it is not for me.

When I got on that treadmill today, it all became clear. I need more hardcore cardio, whether I like it or not. Instead of getting all annoyed, I actually just embraced it. I had a cute little free fitness studio to myself. A secret lunch getaway for me to spend an hour the best way I can, and still have an evening to be a mom. I couldn't ask for more!

The sweaty work return thing, I know sounds less than desirable but here's the thing, there is a seriously creepy guy at work, and the more revolting I am, this can only help keep him on the other side of the office. Also, I don't share an immediate space that would have any B.O. I so possess, being so offensive that I would literally have hygiene complaints although I will report back if I'm stinkier than I think.

I love 9 Rounds and definitely won't give up on that any time soon, but I definitely feel lucky I have this opportunity to actually get me back into shape AND that I got the validation that I needed because I was starting to feel insane. I have no problem working out extra to combat the thyroid drama and my crappy metabolism. I have a huge problem working out a normal amount and gaining for no good reason. If I'm going to gain weight, I better be living the high life with Champagne, steak and all the cheese and bread I can stand! 

I'm always ready for new challenges and I think this will be my best one yet. Of course I'm sure you'll read all about it. Happy Wednesday readers!

Time Away, Feasts And Fitness, Back To Routines

This weekend was pure bliss with just an overnight away that made all the difference. The big thing for me this year, just 3 years after the car accident, this was the first year I didn't wear that trauma as an accessory all day. 

Being away gave me time to think. One overnight away with no distractions, just us, just our needs, not those of the tiny dictator, was a completely awakening experience, and long overdue. We managed to go back to basics, if you will. We didn't even turn on the TV. 

With all that time and freedom, and too many mirrors in the place we were staying, it did make me a little too introspective and self-judgmental so this morning I really tried to recharge on staying body positive and productive.

I had to get a little real with myself this weekend and sometimes those moments suck. about 12 years ago I got really real about my diet and exercise. I was on weight watchers and I was working out sometimes twice a day, but doing spin, weights, running and yoga. 

Weight watchers put a LOT into perspective, especially as a 20 something who had alcohol as just part of the lifestyle. Once you can drink, you drink and go out non-stop, or so my friends and I did. Alcohol is quick calories.

A lot of the weight watchers tools, I still use but with parenthood and full time working, I also don't have that much time to eat, regardless. I've had to become more mindful with eating, especially over the last two years and it's not quiet a diet but just paying attention.

So here is what I know: I'll never ever not eat carbs, but limiting them is no problem. I keep bread away from it becoming a snack, yup I'm that person. I need fruit to help keep a balanced diet because I suck at eating fruit. Veggies are my life blood. The worst thing I do is make a huge salad with spinach, carrots, tomatoes, croutons, sometimes a form of protein, and cheese and cover it in home-made oil and vinegar spice dressing. That is my favorite ever, my default, and my biggest pig out.

I don't order pizza anymore. My husband makes epic homemade pizza and that I love. I also love tacos. Salad and pasta are my at home go to if my husband hasn't make some kind of chicken, veggie rice thing. We almost never eat out.

I love pretzels but am mindful not to keep them around. My other huge cheat snack and vice is oil-popped popcorn. The worst thing I indulge in is dessert because my kid is into it. I try really really hard to buy dessert that I don't like that she does, and just drink all the tea before bed so I don't snack.

What's sad is I don't even eat that much, and yet I'm having such a rough time with my body image. It didn't help that part of my blissful weekend landed us at the outlet mall and I tried on my first pair of gap jeans in a long time, in both of my "normal" sizes and it got defeating, fast.

I found this workout quote and mantra of "workout because you love your body not because you hate it," and I'm carrying that close with me. I don't hate my body, but right now, it feels like I have to work awfully hard to stay comfy and I dislike that. I'm very much working on my patience for my body getting used to new routines but this weekend was rough.

We ate an amazing feast. I rarely go all in and indulge. We had appetizers, salad, main course, dessert, cappuccino, and it was just amazing. I haven't had a dinner like that in years. We ate like things. I didn't feel bad for being a foodie and enjoying life, but I struggle because I bloat and was carrying a lot of swollen water weight that day.

This is a brand new week, and I'm hatching some methods to the madness and getting ready to get back to routines and to even make some new ones. 

I'm so grateful for the time that was shared this weekend and the conversations and quality time, but  I'm definitely feeling incredibly introspective and awake right now. I'm thinking of some new subjects to blog about and welcome any ideas. Happy Monday readers! Thanks for the weekend away!

Pace, Place and Space; Wherever You Are

I had more friend interactions this weekend that left me with leftover food for thought if you will, and I think it's important to share the thoughts, no matter how they may be perceived.

To preface some metaphorical fun, I'm not a "runner." If anything, I jog. It might even be the "yog" that Ron Burgundy describes, honestly.

Whatever you want to call it, I often reference myself as a "turtle running in peanut butter." For the races I have done, I love that no matter how slow, I just keep a pace. I might not be out of breath or about to die but I'm going, and slowly but surely, I watch many of the "fit moms" slow, stop and walk, or just give up. All the while, I just keep my pace and finish.

After recent discussions and phases of life I just kind of realized, everyone's pace is so different. We all grow and move at entirely different speeds and paces. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that at all. Especially concerning our children, where pace is everything. 

I took my daughter skating when she was 4. Worst idea ever. She ended up just plain pissed off that I could skate and she couldn't. She just wanted to skate on the carpeted section, not the "slippery" floor. She's been skating about 6 times in the past 2 years and only just this weekend did she skate with confidence, albeit with the little trainer thingy but still. She even fell and got right back up like a champ. I couldn't make her get to it sooner, it's all at her pace.

It came up in conversation that I may not have hit a certain place in my life "just yet," and then experiences where shared in wisdom. This morning I just thought, well, it's not going to be that way for everyone, it's just not. I've personally come into most places, spaces and paces much later than most of my friend group and age group. I've always attributed it to being a late bloomer, but now I just realize that they were all in difference places, spaces and going different paces.

It's all that gorgeous "comparison hangover" that my goddess idol, Kristen Bell, references in a podcast with her husband. We get so engulfed in what everyone else is doing, and no one has it down "right," or remotely "perfectly." 

It's ironic to me also that, as things are more even amidst the chaos in my life, I can be more in tune to the chaos of others. Some in my tribe are extremely like-minded and we seem to be introspectively fighting our inner battles together. Others are definitely walking in different places, spaces and at their own pace.

Personally I find more comfort in knowing my journey is different from others' rather than making it akin to someone else's, but 5 years ago I wanted to be just like a handful of others so I can't promise my uniqueness will stand through every phase change. I like knowing that I'm attempting to continue to grow. I like that I'm solo in some ways but have solidarity in others. 

Wherever you are, don't feel alone in your pace, place and space, but rather unique. It may sound lame and super cliche but for me that perspective is helpful. Life is insane. We are so busy and we see friends come and go like busboys in a restaurant;

sometimes it is overwhelming to try and "keep up." So my mission is to not do that as much. Don't keep up. Keep going, but at your own pace, in your own place and with your own space to go and grow as you need.