Dining Out With My 6 Year Old Is Stressful And I'm Done Pretending It's Not

We live in a weird time, especially in terms of family habits and meal routines. I was raised with the idea of, "What is put in front of you, you eat, like it or not." I now live so grateful that anyone would cook for me that I eat everything, even if I in fact hate the food. When I studied in London my host mom made steamed white mushrooms with everything. Add enough salt and pepper and I stomached them, no complaint. I detest regular mushrooms.

My dad made me eat green beans so much that to this day, I never make or order them; I would never pick them on my own. When I was growing up I used to end up eating two dinners because my dad would feed me before I played at the neighbors and they ate later than us so when I went over and was asked "Do you want to join us for dinner?," I was under the impression it was impolite to say no and not partake.

I have no such rules in my life or house. We rarely eat together at the table, but more often in front of the TV. And I have inadvertently made the habit of eating in my room whilst doing chores. Why? Is it being busy? Is it being lazy? Is it just really bad habits? Is it not caring? It's probably a weird mix of them all. We sit down for dinner with friends and on holidays. We sit down for actual meals on occasion, but if I'm being honest? We're in a kid food conundrum and we all eat at different times and have completely different schedules.

I always feed my kid before I feed myself. I eat completely different foods than she does. I ask often if she wants to eat together and if she doesn't really want to, I don't force her. We have never had much of a budget to go out to eat in any regularity and I learned quickly that in my daughter's current culinary phase it's a waste of time and money.

If the mac and cheese looks or tastes "different," if the breading on the chicken isn't right, if the cheese on the pizza isn't what she wanted, if the hot dog is weird, she won't eat it. So I spend $10 or worse on a stressful time out, where I'm arguing with her, scarfing down my food while I can before she won't sit still, and then I leave with leftovers for her or us both that either further go to waste, or I have to reheat and stomach myself later on. This is not my idea of a good time.

She does better out to eat with my husband but the older I get, the less and less willing I am to risk my time and more-so my money on some culinary caper that could figuratively and literally backfire. I also just don't like monitoring my child to the point of insanity and the whole technology at the table thing as a distraction doesn't sit well with me if we are making an attempt to GO OUT and have "quality time." She can sit in front of the TV at home, why take a mini TV with us?

When we do sit as a family, we talk and joke and eat and then clean up. But there are nights when just her and I sit down and I'm watching her eat, forcing her to get done before she can watch TV and then it's more stress than to just let her watch HER shows, with HER food, while I go be productive or maybe relax in my room. It's okay to think this isn't the best system, because I hit my wall with it and then we end up back at a table or restaurant for more trials. This is just what works. For us. For now.

On vacation the eating out thing just wrecked me. I felt fortunate to have my best friend willing and able to feed my child at their house, and all of the things she loves, with no argument and perfect negotiation skills. We ate all meals at the table, and my daughter loved every moment. If I'm being real, my husband is only home for dinner two nights a week, and he cooks separate things for me and especially for her. She always wants, "daddy's grilled cheese." When she's with mommy it's usually quesadilla time.

She's difficult because if you go to anywhere that isn't Chili's, Red Robin, Panera ( and Panera I can at least enjoy) she might just go on a hunger strike or just ends up eating all french fries and no protein. I stopped torturing myself by taking her out to eat because I can't stand the negotiation. We don't have those issues at home TV dinner or not, she just eats and then clears her plate before asking for dessert.

You can read this and think I'm a bad mom who needs to re-evaluate habits but I've written before about how dinners by the light of the TV were my staple with my dad when my mom left, so they feel okay, and natural. My daughter and I do chores and homework to earn our relax time and as you can imagine her being done with things always precedes my finishing up my "to-dos," so feeding her first never feels like I'm slighting her.

As far as going out to eat, when you're married to a chef you get very stingy with not getting what you pay for when it comes to meals. I almost exclusively dine at my husband's restaurant maybe once a month because I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm also a weirdo in that I have no issue dropping $300 on a gourmet dinner but if I go to Red Robin, feed 3 people for $70 and get sub-par, mishandled food, I get completely irate and go back into hibernation.

Perhaps it's because that $70 is half of a week's worth of groceries, which would be no hassle compared to a crummy meal and handling 6 year old whims out in the world. Hence, I can justify it, and any restaurant worth spending $300 is probably serving the real deal so I can handle that better. Regardless, I have officially stopped pretending that my daughter's stressful dinners out thing is anything but actually stressful and I'm finally in a good place with it.

On vacation our first lunch was a huge flop for her and we even made it her way. I was so anxious. We had to pre-feed her before a wedding, AND before a gourmet dinner out because rather than order and have her not eat it, at least we knew she ate. In New York we ate at Panera twice in 48 hours and she did not enjoy an actual NYC slice of margarita pizza because the cheese looked weird.

It's not worth the stress of me arguing with her at dinner. It's not worth the energy taking her out honestly. I really dislike pretending my kid is that "perfect kid" at restaurants. In fact, going out to eat is kind of a racket anymore, in my personal opinion. You will find some GREAT places, but I'm much more confident in my Chik-Fil-A, Panera and say Tijuana Flats purchases than a P.F Changs, Applebee's or Outback Steakhouse purchase. I at least know my child will carb and protein load at the aforementioned establishments.

I'm very much done doing all that to myself. In every sense, it is not worth it and pretending it doesn't  affect me negatively is equally as stressful. So much like my general "not doing what I 'should' be doing" phenomenon, I am very much over making this unnecessarily harder for myself.

It is in my mindset to better implement dinner table dinners, but last night we were all watching Spiderman together, each of us eating comfy in the living room, laughing and enjoying full family interaction. To me, it is convenience and comfort over "tradition" and routine. I remember not being able to wait to finish my meal and getting away from the table to get back to whatever I was doing, so I think my "cheat" of in front of the TV eating experiences cuts down on that in a weird way because she's already where she wants to be.

I'm also starting to own my war wounds. After a tumultuous handful of years and finally grasping some calm, I don't really want to fight for things that are more maddening than helpful and that increase both my daughter's and my own anxiety. Her comfort is her quiet time with her shows and movies and her favorite food, which she gets exactly from me. I always feel better when I'm lost in visual storytelling and drama as opposed to forcing uncomfortable dinner interactions with family over a race to clear your plate.

In this mode of healing, I don't feel bad that we are still developing good things and memorable routines. We have plenty of time for family dinners out and table dining when she's ready to commit to the moment. For the 6 year old attention span right now, I pick my battles carefully. And as for this Friday, I continue to push through to more growth and continue my journey, no matter how weird, how "unconventional" and how lackluster some of our habits may be. Here we grow!