As we are gearing up on our first legit road trip as a family, I've been combing the pantry for things to pack. One thing I hate, is buying extra stuff you don't need, when you could have just brought some home supplies so I'm over-preparing, over-packing and overly doing all the things. As I was pantry poaching I found some things that needed attention as about to expire or expired but just recently so still edible.
There was a huge can of pumpkin that needed attention. And this the season for pumpkin spice everything so pumpkin bread was happening. I had the large can of Libby's Pumpkin so, 4 loaves were happening and hubby brought home the few small items I needed to complete the task. Now I'm bloated on pumpkin bread and sending away loaves left and right so I don't become an actual pumpkin. With the baking all day, however, came all the insight.
Yesterday I admitted out loud that my family is "the poorest," of our friends. I don't say this as we are actually poor or going without, but compared to our friends, we have lesser financial freedoms and luxuries. I didn't say this in a mean, or sad or "pity us," way. In fact, I said it in an embracing way.
This has all come to light in proximity to our trip. We are staying about an hour away from all others migrating for our friends' wedding, because it was about $50 a night cheaper and we can't afford to try and keep up with everyone else in party mode. While we had a blast in NYC and PA, I learned quite a lesson about our travel mode: less is way more.
In NYC we saw very little and our daughter was more obsessed with The Subway, Central Park and just saying "I was in NYC," than taking in any of the epic things there. We were extremely well entertained and taken care of, but mostly she was just happy hanging out and taking it all in. We didn't need to do all the "stuff."
I also learned that we need a home base crash pad that is NOT a hotel. Hotels are fabulous but overpriced for a place with no kitchen, no readily available food, and no real space. We were lucky enough to stay with my best friend in PA and not only was she the hostess with the "mostess," but she gave us a place to play, rest, keep food and water, do laundry, and just "be" in between visits and mini golf and all the other things.
For this trip, the far away booking of the condo with indoor outdoor pool on Hilton Head Island, was based on price and mileage. I found out about a month ago how long it would take us to get to and from the wedding venue panicked that the hubby would be annoyed. Instead he seemed more excited to be away from it all.
The wedding is in Savannah. When you Google Savannah all the gorgeous images come up. The brick streets, the parks, ghost tours, the history, the food. After our NYC experience, I made the decision not to torture myself with dragging the child all over to restaurants and experiences she didn't care about, which made our destination to stay even more appealing for the wedding trip.
On the one hand we'll be away from friends, but as the poorest of the friend group, I am breathing easier knowing I don't have to go to expensive restaurants, not be able to enjoy anything because I'm obsessing about the costs, and then trying to keep up with everyone for what to do. In Hilton Head we can make breakfast, dinner or sandwiches to take with us, or maybe grab some food at a cheap local place that won't make us stress.
We don't drink. I don't stay up very late. A vacation should be about family time, and a reboot, and keeping up with any other expectations of what it should be, is no longer a "thing," to me. If we get asked why we stayed so far? Easy, we couldn't afford to be in Savannah city proper and we found a place more suited to our needs in a different area of interest. If we get asked why we aren't going to do all the things and eat at all the places? Easy, we can't afford that kind of stuff. We'll hit the beach, the park, a new preserve, and maybe splurge for ice cream later.
The expiration of the pantry items was like a call to action for "make something or waste something." It dawned on me that this upcoming trip was a call to action for "make the best use of this time for what works for you, and forget the expectations of others."
I'm sure other people don't carry the weight of this stuff on them as I do, but if you even slightly do, you'll know exactly what I mean. Expired pantry items bother me because I put money into those and we didn't use them in a timely manner or properly utilize them. Expectations are the same in that you put your hopes, ideas and scenarios into something and when you don't utilize the time you have, poof it's gone and you leave disappointed with the final product.
The difference is, I'm ready to hit the expiration date of my expectations. No more of that crap needs to weigh me down. I'm not always ready to just toss things from the pantry. Some dates have more wiggle room!
As I have a two day work week in front of me, I'm embracing these ideas and many others. As I'm packing and planning and handling vacation expectations, I'm just ready to be with my family a bit.
Tomorrow will be my last post of this week and I'll come back with stories galore next Monday!
Showing posts with label family time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family time. Show all posts
Monday, October 7, 2019
Monday, September 23, 2019
Home Projects And Making The Best Of What You Have
I would never call anything in my house besides maybe a paint color, "decor" or how I would choose to "decorate." I work with what I have. Carefully and repeatedly. I am the queen of reuse and re-purpose, time and again.
I wouldn't say we do a great deal of "home projects," per say, but I would say that I clean and rearrange things often. I always feel like a small little lift or change can bring new life to an old set-up. In a perfect world I would have disposable income to go to Ikea or Rooms To Go and buy whatever my heart desires. This is not my reality.
This past month has been a lot of humbling realizations. When shopping for a wedding I stopped stressing about what I didn't have and decided to work with what I did. This weekend was another lesson in that.
My husband had repaired and changed out our bathroom fan last year and since then we've had a bit of a moisture issue in our attached closet. I got the little dehumidifier, I use DampRid often, it gave me a great excuse for a purge and I use Febreeze a lot as well. Eventually we need a better fan but this year, every time I think we can go drop the $150 on it, something else comes up.
There began to be a mold problem...on the shoes. To be clear, I don't have nice things. Most of what I own can be easily washed so, there's that, but there are a couple pairs of boots and nice shoes that I couldn't just watch become yucky.
I have a cube shelf I built from Target like 3 or 4 years ago that has been used for everything. We've had it in the kitchen, the closet, the living room and so on and it has lasted most in my closet for my clothes and shoes. The other day when I was cleaning it came to me, the decorative vision. Whoa.
If I moved the shelf into the entryway and added another rack to hang things it could be a make-shift mud room entrance thing and keep ALL the shoes in the front. No shoes in rooms, just in the shoe station. With extra hangers we would have space for gym bags, hats purses, oh my. I wonder if the husband would go for it.
I gave my husband the play by play. I would use a toy bin in the closet, toys would go in baskets on shelf, shoes would all live in the shoe bins in the front of the house. He went for it. We moved around some other things too, including a chore board for the kiddo. It didn't even take that long, nor was it much of a pain. I was happy enough with the result to share immediately on Instagram.
The whole success of the day got me thinking about how much we lack using the resources we have, and how we are so quick to buy or obtain some kind of other solution than using what's in front of us. How many times do we get upset and overwhelmed, or should I ask, how many times do I get upset and overwhelmed over not being able to "afford" things, when I have the tools and resources around me?
This can go a long way. You can get something used. You could ask a friend or Facebook or Instagram grouping if they have something to be rid of you need or know of anyone purging things you may need. Use what is in front of you! Make the best of what you have! Also, if it ain't broke don't fix it!
We get caught up a lot in commercials and social ideas of how things should look so we start to get down on our own set ups. Do you know what a coat of paint can do? It can completely transform a space or piece of furniture, and quickly.
I've gone through phases of loving home projects and hating them all the same, but I think, much as with everything, everything has a season. With Florida Fall in full swing I saw this seasonal change in more ways than one. Friday night my daughter asked to be taken to Third Friday, which is a monthly event in our town with food, vendors and music. We hadn't been, maybe in a year.
Why? My daughter would complain about walking the strip. She would want treats and would need to stop to pet every dog. She wouldn't listen and it would always end up in meltdown. This year I fed her dinner and said, "One treat." She didn't complain about walking and she made very good compromises and listened well. She did pet all the dogs and hugged all her school friends. She had a blast and I felt happy that she did so well. This is her season of showing me she's grown and being able to do more.
Maybe I'm in a season where I can see the beginnings and ends of fair, doable projects. Maybe I'm in the season where they don't bum me out or overwhelm me because I have people in my way or someone telling me I can't. Maybe this is becoming my time to do more.
I work hard to make sure that I make the very best of what I have. I remind my husband often that we are lucky to have what we do and we should stay grateful. My daughter has been talking about missing our old rental house and I just try and respond kindly reminding her that we made great memories there but we now have our own space to do anything we want with and needed a bigger better home. She's getting there I think.
Life is difficult. Life is stressful and exhausting. We put a lot of "extra" on ourselves. Perhaps this can be a season of less being more. I for one am exploring this idea to the fullest and can't wait to see where it takes us!
I wouldn't say we do a great deal of "home projects," per say, but I would say that I clean and rearrange things often. I always feel like a small little lift or change can bring new life to an old set-up. In a perfect world I would have disposable income to go to Ikea or Rooms To Go and buy whatever my heart desires. This is not my reality.
This past month has been a lot of humbling realizations. When shopping for a wedding I stopped stressing about what I didn't have and decided to work with what I did. This weekend was another lesson in that.
My husband had repaired and changed out our bathroom fan last year and since then we've had a bit of a moisture issue in our attached closet. I got the little dehumidifier, I use DampRid often, it gave me a great excuse for a purge and I use Febreeze a lot as well. Eventually we need a better fan but this year, every time I think we can go drop the $150 on it, something else comes up.
There began to be a mold problem...on the shoes. To be clear, I don't have nice things. Most of what I own can be easily washed so, there's that, but there are a couple pairs of boots and nice shoes that I couldn't just watch become yucky.
I have a cube shelf I built from Target like 3 or 4 years ago that has been used for everything. We've had it in the kitchen, the closet, the living room and so on and it has lasted most in my closet for my clothes and shoes. The other day when I was cleaning it came to me, the decorative vision. Whoa.
If I moved the shelf into the entryway and added another rack to hang things it could be a make-shift mud room entrance thing and keep ALL the shoes in the front. No shoes in rooms, just in the shoe station. With extra hangers we would have space for gym bags, hats purses, oh my. I wonder if the husband would go for it.
I gave my husband the play by play. I would use a toy bin in the closet, toys would go in baskets on shelf, shoes would all live in the shoe bins in the front of the house. He went for it. We moved around some other things too, including a chore board for the kiddo. It didn't even take that long, nor was it much of a pain. I was happy enough with the result to share immediately on Instagram.
The whole success of the day got me thinking about how much we lack using the resources we have, and how we are so quick to buy or obtain some kind of other solution than using what's in front of us. How many times do we get upset and overwhelmed, or should I ask, how many times do I get upset and overwhelmed over not being able to "afford" things, when I have the tools and resources around me?
This can go a long way. You can get something used. You could ask a friend or Facebook or Instagram grouping if they have something to be rid of you need or know of anyone purging things you may need. Use what is in front of you! Make the best of what you have! Also, if it ain't broke don't fix it!
We get caught up a lot in commercials and social ideas of how things should look so we start to get down on our own set ups. Do you know what a coat of paint can do? It can completely transform a space or piece of furniture, and quickly.
I've gone through phases of loving home projects and hating them all the same, but I think, much as with everything, everything has a season. With Florida Fall in full swing I saw this seasonal change in more ways than one. Friday night my daughter asked to be taken to Third Friday, which is a monthly event in our town with food, vendors and music. We hadn't been, maybe in a year.
Why? My daughter would complain about walking the strip. She would want treats and would need to stop to pet every dog. She wouldn't listen and it would always end up in meltdown. This year I fed her dinner and said, "One treat." She didn't complain about walking and she made very good compromises and listened well. She did pet all the dogs and hugged all her school friends. She had a blast and I felt happy that she did so well. This is her season of showing me she's grown and being able to do more.
Maybe I'm in a season where I can see the beginnings and ends of fair, doable projects. Maybe I'm in the season where they don't bum me out or overwhelm me because I have people in my way or someone telling me I can't. Maybe this is becoming my time to do more.
I work hard to make sure that I make the very best of what I have. I remind my husband often that we are lucky to have what we do and we should stay grateful. My daughter has been talking about missing our old rental house and I just try and respond kindly reminding her that we made great memories there but we now have our own space to do anything we want with and needed a bigger better home. She's getting there I think.
Life is difficult. Life is stressful and exhausting. We put a lot of "extra" on ourselves. Perhaps this can be a season of less being more. I for one am exploring this idea to the fullest and can't wait to see where it takes us!
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
A Normal Family Evening?
Yesterday was an anomaly in our household I feel. Perhaps if I explain this via the blog, I can better understand the phenomenon myself.
I left work insanely early for a dentist appointment. Not only did I get there on time and was taken almost immediately back, everything was fine. There were no complaints, no, "You should probably spend a thousand dollars on THIS." It was pretty painless and only took 30 minutes of my day. It was then I ventured to Target.
Yesterday I had to buy my child what will be her last car seat. It's a weird, bittersweet feeling and although she is 6 and a half and nearly 70lbs I am that mother who makes sure we follow the guidelines for car-seat safety rigorously. Going to Target for this was weird. I went to a Target I used to frequent when she was as baby. It was a store I knew well and used to love. Now it seemed unorganized and scattered. It was out of what I wanted and it was really obnoxious actually.
When I came home to finish up work stuff, my computer was being pretty horrible honestly. It wasn't working in a timely fashion and I ended up using my phone. To my pleasant surprise, my phone worked flawlessly. Had I known this, I could have saved myself a lot of stress. Now it is noted!
My husband actually rested well on his day off AND managed to knock out a bunch of chores we needed done. He then sent me to the gym for another round of punching, picked up the kid and made dinner so we could grab grandma and venture to our favorite haunt, Cold Stone.
We don't do this stuff, especially on weeknights. I don't say that lightly. We don't "go out" on weeknights. And when we stay in the schedules get lax or moved around to the point that things often go awry. I usually hide in my room and let the husband run the show. Yesterday he was on point and kept us on task so much so as to leave enough time for us to start my new favorite show, "The Righteous Gemstones," on HBO.
It was an oddly well put together evening and we all slept well and had fun with each other. Again, this isn't any kind of routine occurrence for the house of Chriss. I don't mean that to say we are a bunch of crazy, mean people who just can't stand each other but quality time is so hard to come by, as is pensive, agreed upon planning.
We have such crazy schedules and so much to do with not enough time to do it, so snagging an evening like that one was like a diamond in the rough. We talked about movies to see at Thanksgiving. We talked about our days and things we wanted to do this weekend. We laughed a lot. Even my mom was pretty tolerable.
These moments are ones I carry closely now. Time seems to be moving faster and faster and I'm more awake, aware and attentive now. The other night I was putting away laundry and spied on my daughter singing a song to the TV and then talking to the dog. She won't always be that cute.
My husband was gloating that he'd completed an entire chore list and started and finished a full laundry cycle without being asked or prompted, and instead of a sassy remark I high-fived him and said thank you.
I had an important conversation with my husband about some triggers and discomfort and where I was with certain weekend routines. We had time together that was real, and uninterrupted, which is rare for us.
This random list, is kind of a big deal in my world. No, it IS a big deal in my world. I realize some people have these things in place and just ease into these moments as no big deal but in my current place of healing and growth, you have to be so grateful for the little things because they make big things feel even bigger!
Someone I admire greatly once told me "Normal is what you know." He said this to me when I was wishing for a "normal family." The normal that I know now, comes leaps and bounds from a dysfunctional normal from a few years ago. I'll take what I can get and stay grateful.
I always say we're "traditionally untraditional" for a family meaning we kinda do our own thing. We have found what works and we keep it moving for us, but that semblance of "normalcy" last night was pretty amazing and I want to revel in it a bit.
We have an upcoming storm watch for us Floridians and when Irma hit, that was rough for our anxiety, our bank accounts and our sanity. This time we are communicating and ready for anything and that is the closest to normal we've ever been!
Blogging should stay consistent through Friday and the rest we'll have to see about as things culminate. Monday is a holiday regardless but we might be having some crazy weather.
I left work insanely early for a dentist appointment. Not only did I get there on time and was taken almost immediately back, everything was fine. There were no complaints, no, "You should probably spend a thousand dollars on THIS." It was pretty painless and only took 30 minutes of my day. It was then I ventured to Target.
Yesterday I had to buy my child what will be her last car seat. It's a weird, bittersweet feeling and although she is 6 and a half and nearly 70lbs I am that mother who makes sure we follow the guidelines for car-seat safety rigorously. Going to Target for this was weird. I went to a Target I used to frequent when she was as baby. It was a store I knew well and used to love. Now it seemed unorganized and scattered. It was out of what I wanted and it was really obnoxious actually.
When I came home to finish up work stuff, my computer was being pretty horrible honestly. It wasn't working in a timely fashion and I ended up using my phone. To my pleasant surprise, my phone worked flawlessly. Had I known this, I could have saved myself a lot of stress. Now it is noted!
My husband actually rested well on his day off AND managed to knock out a bunch of chores we needed done. He then sent me to the gym for another round of punching, picked up the kid and made dinner so we could grab grandma and venture to our favorite haunt, Cold Stone.
We don't do this stuff, especially on weeknights. I don't say that lightly. We don't "go out" on weeknights. And when we stay in the schedules get lax or moved around to the point that things often go awry. I usually hide in my room and let the husband run the show. Yesterday he was on point and kept us on task so much so as to leave enough time for us to start my new favorite show, "The Righteous Gemstones," on HBO.
It was an oddly well put together evening and we all slept well and had fun with each other. Again, this isn't any kind of routine occurrence for the house of Chriss. I don't mean that to say we are a bunch of crazy, mean people who just can't stand each other but quality time is so hard to come by, as is pensive, agreed upon planning.
We have such crazy schedules and so much to do with not enough time to do it, so snagging an evening like that one was like a diamond in the rough. We talked about movies to see at Thanksgiving. We talked about our days and things we wanted to do this weekend. We laughed a lot. Even my mom was pretty tolerable.
These moments are ones I carry closely now. Time seems to be moving faster and faster and I'm more awake, aware and attentive now. The other night I was putting away laundry and spied on my daughter singing a song to the TV and then talking to the dog. She won't always be that cute.
My husband was gloating that he'd completed an entire chore list and started and finished a full laundry cycle without being asked or prompted, and instead of a sassy remark I high-fived him and said thank you.
I had an important conversation with my husband about some triggers and discomfort and where I was with certain weekend routines. We had time together that was real, and uninterrupted, which is rare for us.
This random list, is kind of a big deal in my world. No, it IS a big deal in my world. I realize some people have these things in place and just ease into these moments as no big deal but in my current place of healing and growth, you have to be so grateful for the little things because they make big things feel even bigger!
Someone I admire greatly once told me "Normal is what you know." He said this to me when I was wishing for a "normal family." The normal that I know now, comes leaps and bounds from a dysfunctional normal from a few years ago. I'll take what I can get and stay grateful.
I always say we're "traditionally untraditional" for a family meaning we kinda do our own thing. We have found what works and we keep it moving for us, but that semblance of "normalcy" last night was pretty amazing and I want to revel in it a bit.
We have an upcoming storm watch for us Floridians and when Irma hit, that was rough for our anxiety, our bank accounts and our sanity. This time we are communicating and ready for anything and that is the closest to normal we've ever been!
Blogging should stay consistent through Friday and the rest we'll have to see about as things culminate. Monday is a holiday regardless but we might be having some crazy weather.
Friday, August 23, 2019
Dining Out With My 6 Year Old Is Stressful And I'm Done Pretending It's Not
We live in a weird time, especially in terms of family habits and meal routines. I was raised with the idea of, "What is put in front of you, you eat, like it or not." I now live so grateful that anyone would cook for me that I eat everything, even if I in fact hate the food. When I studied in London my host mom made steamed white mushrooms with everything. Add enough salt and pepper and I stomached them, no complaint. I detest regular mushrooms.
My dad made me eat green beans so much that to this day, I never make or order them; I would never pick them on my own. When I was growing up I used to end up eating two dinners because my dad would feed me before I played at the neighbors and they ate later than us so when I went over and was asked "Do you want to join us for dinner?," I was under the impression it was impolite to say no and not partake.
I have no such rules in my life or house. We rarely eat together at the table, but more often in front of the TV. And I have inadvertently made the habit of eating in my room whilst doing chores. Why? Is it being busy? Is it being lazy? Is it just really bad habits? Is it not caring? It's probably a weird mix of them all. We sit down for dinner with friends and on holidays. We sit down for actual meals on occasion, but if I'm being honest? We're in a kid food conundrum and we all eat at different times and have completely different schedules.
I always feed my kid before I feed myself. I eat completely different foods than she does. I ask often if she wants to eat together and if she doesn't really want to, I don't force her. We have never had much of a budget to go out to eat in any regularity and I learned quickly that in my daughter's current culinary phase it's a waste of time and money.
If the mac and cheese looks or tastes "different," if the breading on the chicken isn't right, if the cheese on the pizza isn't what she wanted, if the hot dog is weird, she won't eat it. So I spend $10 or worse on a stressful time out, where I'm arguing with her, scarfing down my food while I can before she won't sit still, and then I leave with leftovers for her or us both that either further go to waste, or I have to reheat and stomach myself later on. This is not my idea of a good time.
She does better out to eat with my husband but the older I get, the less and less willing I am to risk my time and more-so my money on some culinary caper that could figuratively and literally backfire. I also just don't like monitoring my child to the point of insanity and the whole technology at the table thing as a distraction doesn't sit well with me if we are making an attempt to GO OUT and have "quality time." She can sit in front of the TV at home, why take a mini TV with us?
When we do sit as a family, we talk and joke and eat and then clean up. But there are nights when just her and I sit down and I'm watching her eat, forcing her to get done before she can watch TV and then it's more stress than to just let her watch HER shows, with HER food, while I go be productive or maybe relax in my room. It's okay to think this isn't the best system, because I hit my wall with it and then we end up back at a table or restaurant for more trials. This is just what works. For us. For now.
On vacation the eating out thing just wrecked me. I felt fortunate to have my best friend willing and able to feed my child at their house, and all of the things she loves, with no argument and perfect negotiation skills. We ate all meals at the table, and my daughter loved every moment. If I'm being real, my husband is only home for dinner two nights a week, and he cooks separate things for me and especially for her. She always wants, "daddy's grilled cheese." When she's with mommy it's usually quesadilla time.
She's difficult because if you go to anywhere that isn't Chili's, Red Robin, Panera ( and Panera I can at least enjoy) she might just go on a hunger strike or just ends up eating all french fries and no protein. I stopped torturing myself by taking her out to eat because I can't stand the negotiation. We don't have those issues at home TV dinner or not, she just eats and then clears her plate before asking for dessert.
You can read this and think I'm a bad mom who needs to re-evaluate habits but I've written before about how dinners by the light of the TV were my staple with my dad when my mom left, so they feel okay, and natural. My daughter and I do chores and homework to earn our relax time and as you can imagine her being done with things always precedes my finishing up my "to-dos," so feeding her first never feels like I'm slighting her.
As far as going out to eat, when you're married to a chef you get very stingy with not getting what you pay for when it comes to meals. I almost exclusively dine at my husband's restaurant maybe once a month because I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm also a weirdo in that I have no issue dropping $300 on a gourmet dinner but if I go to Red Robin, feed 3 people for $70 and get sub-par, mishandled food, I get completely irate and go back into hibernation.
Perhaps it's because that $70 is half of a week's worth of groceries, which would be no hassle compared to a crummy meal and handling 6 year old whims out in the world. Hence, I can justify it, and any restaurant worth spending $300 is probably serving the real deal so I can handle that better. Regardless, I have officially stopped pretending that my daughter's stressful dinners out thing is anything but actually stressful and I'm finally in a good place with it.
On vacation our first lunch was a huge flop for her and we even made it her way. I was so anxious. We had to pre-feed her before a wedding, AND before a gourmet dinner out because rather than order and have her not eat it, at least we knew she ate. In New York we ate at Panera twice in 48 hours and she did not enjoy an actual NYC slice of margarita pizza because the cheese looked weird.
It's not worth the stress of me arguing with her at dinner. It's not worth the energy taking her out honestly. I really dislike pretending my kid is that "perfect kid" at restaurants. In fact, going out to eat is kind of a racket anymore, in my personal opinion. You will find some GREAT places, but I'm much more confident in my Chik-Fil-A, Panera and say Tijuana Flats purchases than a P.F Changs, Applebee's or Outback Steakhouse purchase. I at least know my child will carb and protein load at the aforementioned establishments.
I'm very much done doing all that to myself. In every sense, it is not worth it and pretending it doesn't affect me negatively is equally as stressful. So much like my general "not doing what I 'should' be doing" phenomenon, I am very much over making this unnecessarily harder for myself.
It is in my mindset to better implement dinner table dinners, but last night we were all watching Spiderman together, each of us eating comfy in the living room, laughing and enjoying full family interaction. To me, it is convenience and comfort over "tradition" and routine. I remember not being able to wait to finish my meal and getting away from the table to get back to whatever I was doing, so I think my "cheat" of in front of the TV eating experiences cuts down on that in a weird way because she's already where she wants to be.
I'm also starting to own my war wounds. After a tumultuous handful of years and finally grasping some calm, I don't really want to fight for things that are more maddening than helpful and that increase both my daughter's and my own anxiety. Her comfort is her quiet time with her shows and movies and her favorite food, which she gets exactly from me. I always feel better when I'm lost in visual storytelling and drama as opposed to forcing uncomfortable dinner interactions with family over a race to clear your plate.
In this mode of healing, I don't feel bad that we are still developing good things and memorable routines. We have plenty of time for family dinners out and table dining when she's ready to commit to the moment. For the 6 year old attention span right now, I pick my battles carefully. And as for this Friday, I continue to push through to more growth and continue my journey, no matter how weird, how "unconventional" and how lackluster some of our habits may be. Here we grow!
My dad made me eat green beans so much that to this day, I never make or order them; I would never pick them on my own. When I was growing up I used to end up eating two dinners because my dad would feed me before I played at the neighbors and they ate later than us so when I went over and was asked "Do you want to join us for dinner?," I was under the impression it was impolite to say no and not partake.
I have no such rules in my life or house. We rarely eat together at the table, but more often in front of the TV. And I have inadvertently made the habit of eating in my room whilst doing chores. Why? Is it being busy? Is it being lazy? Is it just really bad habits? Is it not caring? It's probably a weird mix of them all. We sit down for dinner with friends and on holidays. We sit down for actual meals on occasion, but if I'm being honest? We're in a kid food conundrum and we all eat at different times and have completely different schedules.
I always feed my kid before I feed myself. I eat completely different foods than she does. I ask often if she wants to eat together and if she doesn't really want to, I don't force her. We have never had much of a budget to go out to eat in any regularity and I learned quickly that in my daughter's current culinary phase it's a waste of time and money.
If the mac and cheese looks or tastes "different," if the breading on the chicken isn't right, if the cheese on the pizza isn't what she wanted, if the hot dog is weird, she won't eat it. So I spend $10 or worse on a stressful time out, where I'm arguing with her, scarfing down my food while I can before she won't sit still, and then I leave with leftovers for her or us both that either further go to waste, or I have to reheat and stomach myself later on. This is not my idea of a good time.
She does better out to eat with my husband but the older I get, the less and less willing I am to risk my time and more-so my money on some culinary caper that could figuratively and literally backfire. I also just don't like monitoring my child to the point of insanity and the whole technology at the table thing as a distraction doesn't sit well with me if we are making an attempt to GO OUT and have "quality time." She can sit in front of the TV at home, why take a mini TV with us?
When we do sit as a family, we talk and joke and eat and then clean up. But there are nights when just her and I sit down and I'm watching her eat, forcing her to get done before she can watch TV and then it's more stress than to just let her watch HER shows, with HER food, while I go be productive or maybe relax in my room. It's okay to think this isn't the best system, because I hit my wall with it and then we end up back at a table or restaurant for more trials. This is just what works. For us. For now.
On vacation the eating out thing just wrecked me. I felt fortunate to have my best friend willing and able to feed my child at their house, and all of the things she loves, with no argument and perfect negotiation skills. We ate all meals at the table, and my daughter loved every moment. If I'm being real, my husband is only home for dinner two nights a week, and he cooks separate things for me and especially for her. She always wants, "daddy's grilled cheese." When she's with mommy it's usually quesadilla time.
She's difficult because if you go to anywhere that isn't Chili's, Red Robin, Panera ( and Panera I can at least enjoy) she might just go on a hunger strike or just ends up eating all french fries and no protein. I stopped torturing myself by taking her out to eat because I can't stand the negotiation. We don't have those issues at home TV dinner or not, she just eats and then clears her plate before asking for dessert.
You can read this and think I'm a bad mom who needs to re-evaluate habits but I've written before about how dinners by the light of the TV were my staple with my dad when my mom left, so they feel okay, and natural. My daughter and I do chores and homework to earn our relax time and as you can imagine her being done with things always precedes my finishing up my "to-dos," so feeding her first never feels like I'm slighting her.
As far as going out to eat, when you're married to a chef you get very stingy with not getting what you pay for when it comes to meals. I almost exclusively dine at my husband's restaurant maybe once a month because I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm also a weirdo in that I have no issue dropping $300 on a gourmet dinner but if I go to Red Robin, feed 3 people for $70 and get sub-par, mishandled food, I get completely irate and go back into hibernation.
Perhaps it's because that $70 is half of a week's worth of groceries, which would be no hassle compared to a crummy meal and handling 6 year old whims out in the world. Hence, I can justify it, and any restaurant worth spending $300 is probably serving the real deal so I can handle that better. Regardless, I have officially stopped pretending that my daughter's stressful dinners out thing is anything but actually stressful and I'm finally in a good place with it.
On vacation our first lunch was a huge flop for her and we even made it her way. I was so anxious. We had to pre-feed her before a wedding, AND before a gourmet dinner out because rather than order and have her not eat it, at least we knew she ate. In New York we ate at Panera twice in 48 hours and she did not enjoy an actual NYC slice of margarita pizza because the cheese looked weird.
It's not worth the stress of me arguing with her at dinner. It's not worth the energy taking her out honestly. I really dislike pretending my kid is that "perfect kid" at restaurants. In fact, going out to eat is kind of a racket anymore, in my personal opinion. You will find some GREAT places, but I'm much more confident in my Chik-Fil-A, Panera and say Tijuana Flats purchases than a P.F Changs, Applebee's or Outback Steakhouse purchase. I at least know my child will carb and protein load at the aforementioned establishments.
I'm very much done doing all that to myself. In every sense, it is not worth it and pretending it doesn't affect me negatively is equally as stressful. So much like my general "not doing what I 'should' be doing" phenomenon, I am very much over making this unnecessarily harder for myself.
It is in my mindset to better implement dinner table dinners, but last night we were all watching Spiderman together, each of us eating comfy in the living room, laughing and enjoying full family interaction. To me, it is convenience and comfort over "tradition" and routine. I remember not being able to wait to finish my meal and getting away from the table to get back to whatever I was doing, so I think my "cheat" of in front of the TV eating experiences cuts down on that in a weird way because she's already where she wants to be.
I'm also starting to own my war wounds. After a tumultuous handful of years and finally grasping some calm, I don't really want to fight for things that are more maddening than helpful and that increase both my daughter's and my own anxiety. Her comfort is her quiet time with her shows and movies and her favorite food, which she gets exactly from me. I always feel better when I'm lost in visual storytelling and drama as opposed to forcing uncomfortable dinner interactions with family over a race to clear your plate.
In this mode of healing, I don't feel bad that we are still developing good things and memorable routines. We have plenty of time for family dinners out and table dining when she's ready to commit to the moment. For the 6 year old attention span right now, I pick my battles carefully. And as for this Friday, I continue to push through to more growth and continue my journey, no matter how weird, how "unconventional" and how lackluster some of our habits may be. Here we grow!
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
My Gypsy Tendencies
My best friend always calls me a gypsy. I'm guessing she feels I have a nomadic and free-spirited nature but after growing up in the same place for my childhood, it's honestly quite strange that I've ended up that way. When we went to New York on our trip she said it just solidified my gypsy ways.
My dad helped me see most of the United States on many a road trip by the time I was 16. My mom loves the beach so we did the Bahamas and frequent Florida trips in my youth as well. My uncle gave me all Pennsylvania history lessons and living in PA all those years kept me well versed in all civil war and American beginnings via field trips to Gettysburg, DC and Philly.
College brought me the travel bug because I just desperately wanted to experience other places so I got myself a study abroad trip to Europe based out of London and fell in love. I'm dying to go back someday because it was the best three months of exploration, travel, art and history.
My best friend also asked me politely if I ever sit still, and the answer is no. When I'm busy I feel I'm at my best because I can't get caught up mentally or emotionally in unnecessary things. On vacation I wasn't attached to my phone unless I needed directions or was taking too many pictures. I wasn't obsessing about lost and faded friends, unanswered texts, and affording my second Starbucks that day. I just wanted to "be" for a little bit and enjoy being away from home.
I spent 13 years watching Baltimore grow because we frequented it often in my youth. It was the biggest city that my dad actually enjoyed taking us to and we found secret spots we loved. Of course now it's different but also impressive as to what has stayed the same.
Ten years ago in March of 2009 I took myself to New York as a college graduation present. At that time my cousin was going to college at Fordham and living in a crappy apartment in the Bronx with 3 or 4 roommates, his description not mine. He now lives in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. Both visits he was the tour guide and both visits were incredible.
I don't tend to get overwhelmed or anxious in big cities oddly. I am usually just in awe and so eager to explore I can somehow hone my anxious, obsessive tendencies into some clarity and finding ways to get us to what we want to do. I'm already dying to go back and see more, more, more.
When I started moving I never expected it to become the lifestyle it molded into. I think that I just had to learn to physically move on and also liked changing my horizons. I liked knowing that I could have a new space and new place to make mine; a blank slate. I liked seeing new things and exploring new areas. In 8 years in Eugene, I lived about 7 different places all across the city but only in Eugene, somehow never in Springfield or even Portland.
When we came to Florida it took us about 6 long years to find where we wanted to make "home," and now I'm ready to dig in for a long run until this kid is outta high school. My gypsy ways will have to be strictly for vacations only.
This past week, being all over had its elements of exhaustion and disorientation but also kept things fun and interesting. I had my moments of down time and relaxation, and I had my moments to push through and have fun.
During my times of struggle, my gypsy tendencies work against me. I was dying for a real trip and to see real things and feeling angry and trapped. Now I can better appreciate things. During my periods of growth and healing my gypsy tendencies work for me. I'm able to plan well and enjoy any time, no matter how short, in the space and place we're in because I know how lucky am I that we even get to share such experiences.
I always attribute my gypsy-ness to my trauma. For most of my childhood I thought you would just live the same place as your whole family always. Most everyone was a thirty minute drive at most. And you can go away to college but then you could just come home and start a family. When my mom left, that entire idea was shattered. She wanted out and she left and I kind of followed because if my parents weren't together, what was home? I just decided to embrace the new and try and piece things back together with familiarity of "stuff" rather than places.
My husband gives me a hard time because of how many things are "mine," versus his in different contexts, but for me it's all about the stuff that is "home." Our dining room table will always be "mine" even though it is used as "ours." I was given that by a family I was the nanny for and it has lived with me in every place since I moved out and it always will.
I love to travel and experience and have fun. I wish to do more of it but am grateful for every experience I've had and we are planning to have. I'm a firm believer in "next time" and revisiting places. Maybe I can gypsy it because home is more about familiar people and some familiar artifacts rather than an actual building. Maybe I'm just growing into going with the flow enough that I can spread my wings and fly higher and more often.
For now I like my gypsy tendencies and embrace them. I'm excited to see where they take me.
My dad helped me see most of the United States on many a road trip by the time I was 16. My mom loves the beach so we did the Bahamas and frequent Florida trips in my youth as well. My uncle gave me all Pennsylvania history lessons and living in PA all those years kept me well versed in all civil war and American beginnings via field trips to Gettysburg, DC and Philly.
College brought me the travel bug because I just desperately wanted to experience other places so I got myself a study abroad trip to Europe based out of London and fell in love. I'm dying to go back someday because it was the best three months of exploration, travel, art and history.
My best friend also asked me politely if I ever sit still, and the answer is no. When I'm busy I feel I'm at my best because I can't get caught up mentally or emotionally in unnecessary things. On vacation I wasn't attached to my phone unless I needed directions or was taking too many pictures. I wasn't obsessing about lost and faded friends, unanswered texts, and affording my second Starbucks that day. I just wanted to "be" for a little bit and enjoy being away from home.
I spent 13 years watching Baltimore grow because we frequented it often in my youth. It was the biggest city that my dad actually enjoyed taking us to and we found secret spots we loved. Of course now it's different but also impressive as to what has stayed the same.
Ten years ago in March of 2009 I took myself to New York as a college graduation present. At that time my cousin was going to college at Fordham and living in a crappy apartment in the Bronx with 3 or 4 roommates, his description not mine. He now lives in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. Both visits he was the tour guide and both visits were incredible.
I don't tend to get overwhelmed or anxious in big cities oddly. I am usually just in awe and so eager to explore I can somehow hone my anxious, obsessive tendencies into some clarity and finding ways to get us to what we want to do. I'm already dying to go back and see more, more, more.
When I started moving I never expected it to become the lifestyle it molded into. I think that I just had to learn to physically move on and also liked changing my horizons. I liked knowing that I could have a new space and new place to make mine; a blank slate. I liked seeing new things and exploring new areas. In 8 years in Eugene, I lived about 7 different places all across the city but only in Eugene, somehow never in Springfield or even Portland.
When we came to Florida it took us about 6 long years to find where we wanted to make "home," and now I'm ready to dig in for a long run until this kid is outta high school. My gypsy ways will have to be strictly for vacations only.
This past week, being all over had its elements of exhaustion and disorientation but also kept things fun and interesting. I had my moments of down time and relaxation, and I had my moments to push through and have fun.
During my times of struggle, my gypsy tendencies work against me. I was dying for a real trip and to see real things and feeling angry and trapped. Now I can better appreciate things. During my periods of growth and healing my gypsy tendencies work for me. I'm able to plan well and enjoy any time, no matter how short, in the space and place we're in because I know how lucky am I that we even get to share such experiences.
I always attribute my gypsy-ness to my trauma. For most of my childhood I thought you would just live the same place as your whole family always. Most everyone was a thirty minute drive at most. And you can go away to college but then you could just come home and start a family. When my mom left, that entire idea was shattered. She wanted out and she left and I kind of followed because if my parents weren't together, what was home? I just decided to embrace the new and try and piece things back together with familiarity of "stuff" rather than places.
My husband gives me a hard time because of how many things are "mine," versus his in different contexts, but for me it's all about the stuff that is "home." Our dining room table will always be "mine" even though it is used as "ours." I was given that by a family I was the nanny for and it has lived with me in every place since I moved out and it always will.
I love to travel and experience and have fun. I wish to do more of it but am grateful for every experience I've had and we are planning to have. I'm a firm believer in "next time" and revisiting places. Maybe I can gypsy it because home is more about familiar people and some familiar artifacts rather than an actual building. Maybe I'm just growing into going with the flow enough that I can spread my wings and fly higher and more often.
For now I like my gypsy tendencies and embrace them. I'm excited to see where they take me.
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
The Disney Days
One of the most magical things about living where we do in the colorful, lawless swamp of Florida is we are only about 90 minutes, give or take traffic, away from the happiest place on earth, yes, Walt Disney World. When my daughter was turning 2 and was still free admission at Disney, my sister in Oregon insisted they come down and be there for her first visit. Thus started 3 more years of Disney magic, memories and adventures.
In Florida, residents can get a pass and pay on it monthly like any other bill. This gets them into Disney whenever, depending on the pass level, includes parking and they get additional discounts. If you use it enough it definitely pays for itself. This was like a challenge to us; we wanted to get our money's worth!
We had some of the most amazing times those few years. Oddly enough the Disney trips were always the bright spots when our family was going through our worst emotional and mental times. There was a 6 month period of time when we went every other Sunday and told people we were attending the United Church of Disney. It was a fun thing we always looked forward to.
Some days the trips were for the kiddo. Some days the trips were for mom and dad, depending. Ironically no matter how annoyed we were with each other, no matter how stressful life was, we managed to put all that behind us and just get incredibly lost in the magic of it all. We would watch the other families and the ones that came from far and wide and feel grateful that Disney World was in our metaphorical back yard.
My daughter always loved meeting the characters. My husband and I loved the whole "Tetris" scheme of fitting in the character meets between fast passes and rides and navigating the parks. We had it down to a science at one point where we knew how to pack food and snacks, how to pack water and where and how to buy treats when necessary. One treat was always the Mickey Ice Cream bar and there was a 5 month period where my daughter managed to get one free each time we went. I think she was just that cute.
We were that family that couldn't have a bad time at Disney. We always saw one family at Disney just irate and miserable and it always made us a little more grateful. We always pushed past our exhaustion for the fun. We had more patience at Disney than we did on any other day, and we always made sure each one of us got to do something we wanted that day or overnight.
We found favorite places to stay, ones that were only okay, and made amazing memories and have wonderful stories to tell. We've been without passes almost 2 years and I'm itching to go back. What can I say? I'm a Disnerd.
In my childhood when everything was sucky, my dad took me and my best friend whose life was equally sucky, if not moreso, to Disney World and we still hail that at the best trip ever, until we took all of our girls there 2 years ago and made dreams come seriously true.
I'm really missing it lately and I don't know why. Things are so calm with us. We are on a strict budget and kicking butt. The reason we stopped was because we couldn't afford it at the time, but also my daughter wouldn't try any of the big kid rides and point blank told me she was too impatient to wait to see the characters. We've been on a hiatus and I may cave as a Christmas present to myself.
When we had passes we had so many family members say they didn't know how we could go all the time. It was pretty easy because we made it a bunch of mini-vacations. During that time we couldn't afford flights places and didn't have paid vacations so little overnights and adventures were all it was about to get is through the year. We made the best of what we could and we always made each other laugh. Something about that theme park atmosphere that took all of our anxieties and put them to good use in being organized, thoughtful and productive.
When we were able to take my best friend and her 3 daughters to Disney in 2017 we literally made it a dream vacation and did it well. They had the best time ever and it will forever be a memorable adventure. I'd never felt so happy being with a bunch of people at Disney. We all had our fun and rode coasters and traded who rode what with whom, and where people sat. We laughed and made fun of things, played games in the line and just had a blast.
I think Disney is just a fun place for us. It's our own little get-away and we have fun being nostalgic and living in the magic. We love the shows, the rides, the characters and the food. I think Disney is our escape back into our childhood but with our kiddo right there so we can all be silly and happy, no matter what else is going on.
I'm sure other people feel this way too or it wouldn't be such a popular spot but I definitely miss our Disney days. Now we are too busy to Disney it up, or maybe we just need to get it together enough to get it back into the routine. For now I look back at the memories with love and smiles knowing we'll make more at some point. I'll definitely be the first one to crack though.
In Florida, residents can get a pass and pay on it monthly like any other bill. This gets them into Disney whenever, depending on the pass level, includes parking and they get additional discounts. If you use it enough it definitely pays for itself. This was like a challenge to us; we wanted to get our money's worth!
We had some of the most amazing times those few years. Oddly enough the Disney trips were always the bright spots when our family was going through our worst emotional and mental times. There was a 6 month period of time when we went every other Sunday and told people we were attending the United Church of Disney. It was a fun thing we always looked forward to.
Some days the trips were for the kiddo. Some days the trips were for mom and dad, depending. Ironically no matter how annoyed we were with each other, no matter how stressful life was, we managed to put all that behind us and just get incredibly lost in the magic of it all. We would watch the other families and the ones that came from far and wide and feel grateful that Disney World was in our metaphorical back yard.
My daughter always loved meeting the characters. My husband and I loved the whole "Tetris" scheme of fitting in the character meets between fast passes and rides and navigating the parks. We had it down to a science at one point where we knew how to pack food and snacks, how to pack water and where and how to buy treats when necessary. One treat was always the Mickey Ice Cream bar and there was a 5 month period where my daughter managed to get one free each time we went. I think she was just that cute.
We were that family that couldn't have a bad time at Disney. We always saw one family at Disney just irate and miserable and it always made us a little more grateful. We always pushed past our exhaustion for the fun. We had more patience at Disney than we did on any other day, and we always made sure each one of us got to do something we wanted that day or overnight.
We found favorite places to stay, ones that were only okay, and made amazing memories and have wonderful stories to tell. We've been without passes almost 2 years and I'm itching to go back. What can I say? I'm a Disnerd.
In my childhood when everything was sucky, my dad took me and my best friend whose life was equally sucky, if not moreso, to Disney World and we still hail that at the best trip ever, until we took all of our girls there 2 years ago and made dreams come seriously true.
I'm really missing it lately and I don't know why. Things are so calm with us. We are on a strict budget and kicking butt. The reason we stopped was because we couldn't afford it at the time, but also my daughter wouldn't try any of the big kid rides and point blank told me she was too impatient to wait to see the characters. We've been on a hiatus and I may cave as a Christmas present to myself.
When we had passes we had so many family members say they didn't know how we could go all the time. It was pretty easy because we made it a bunch of mini-vacations. During that time we couldn't afford flights places and didn't have paid vacations so little overnights and adventures were all it was about to get is through the year. We made the best of what we could and we always made each other laugh. Something about that theme park atmosphere that took all of our anxieties and put them to good use in being organized, thoughtful and productive.
When we were able to take my best friend and her 3 daughters to Disney in 2017 we literally made it a dream vacation and did it well. They had the best time ever and it will forever be a memorable adventure. I'd never felt so happy being with a bunch of people at Disney. We all had our fun and rode coasters and traded who rode what with whom, and where people sat. We laughed and made fun of things, played games in the line and just had a blast.
I think Disney is just a fun place for us. It's our own little get-away and we have fun being nostalgic and living in the magic. We love the shows, the rides, the characters and the food. I think Disney is our escape back into our childhood but with our kiddo right there so we can all be silly and happy, no matter what else is going on.
I'm sure other people feel this way too or it wouldn't be such a popular spot but I definitely miss our Disney days. Now we are too busy to Disney it up, or maybe we just need to get it together enough to get it back into the routine. For now I look back at the memories with love and smiles knowing we'll make more at some point. I'll definitely be the first one to crack though.
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
The DVD Punishment - When Parenting Gets Funny
I play it pretty fast and loose when it comes to restricted technology stuff. And my daughter is getting nearer to age 7 and she is well aware of what the swear words are and that she is not allowed to use them. When she acts out, especially as the tantrums and fighting with parents comes into play, the first thing she loses is any kind of technology. It's the best form of punishment.
My husband and I quickly learned, that there are ways around this where the parents are also punished. On exhausted weeknights, when my kiddo loses her TV takeover and tablet privileges, the rule is, "You can't watch one of your shows. You have to watch what I want to watch." This is why I spent time in my room when I was little, because my dad would watch Law and Order and stuff I hated.
She usually tolerates my binge-shows, Friends, The Office, Seinfeld and Parks and Rec just fine. Anything else is debate-able. I found out recently that some of my daughter's little friends have been watching my current obsession, Stranger Things, with their kiddos. My daughter is a bit of a scaredy-cat if you will, so I decided that I would offer her the chance to watch it and promised her it was all very much not real and also a story from 30+ years ago, so it's all okay. She has since declined.
Now we have been forcing movies on her since she came out into the world and the bulk are completely appropriate. Some of them may have been a bit over her head but still language and story appropriate. Some things we realized were a little dark and sad so we curbed those but last night I realized that it was time to get her out of her element a bit.
The movies my husband and I grew up on, we have re-watched and realized are filled with swear words and sometimes too much sexuality before they changed the ratings. My dad notoriously let me watch movies I should have never been able to watch at the age I was allowed to watch them. So when I watched movies with my parents where people were clearly having sex they explained it away as "Oh they are just exercising."
Many, many sexual innuendos went over my naive little head in my youth and I now re-watch these movies like, wait, what? The greatest thing about 80's films, in my opinion were the epic actors and comedians. Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Back to The Future, Blues Brothers, Roxanne, Big, Turner and Hootch, Princess Bride, The Neverending Story, Labyrinth, and so on and so forth were those comedies that kids could watch but had humor for the parents, however inappropriate. It was last night that I turned to our crazy collection of DVDs for my daughter's technology band punishment.
My husband and I have over 200 DVDs I think. Even when streaming came out we didn't stop collecting them because the internet doesn't always work and we are from the "have a hard copy" generation. We used to browse Wal-Mart at odd hours and hit the $5 DVD bins and go wild. We especially love adding holiday classics now and Disney films to the collection.
My daughter threw an epic tantrum and the issue we've been struggling with is "I'm sorry doesn't just take away the bad behavior." I've had to make clear to her that, while it is important to say I'm sorry and while that's so wonderful to apologize, it doesn't mean you just get your privileges back. It's a weird line and she crosses it often. So there was screaming and when she calmed down and ate her dinner I said, "I have a bunch of chores to do out here and we can watch something, but I'm going to pick."
I was browsing around and thinking of something she wouldn't totally hate. Pirates of the Caribbean? Eh, maybe. The Mask? Eh, too weird. And then I stumbled upon the Tom Hanks section of our DVDs and there it was...SPLASH. Yes the movie about the mermaid in Manhattan, total score.
It started slow and she got a little bored. There were many benign swear words and all kinds of weird sexual undertones of course I had forgotten about. By the time the mermaid found television and got to go ice skating, she was fully engaged with the story. It was the best punishment ever.
I now think she is ready for the likes of Ghostbusters and especially, E.T. It was one of those weird punishments that actually brought us together. I watched Moana 8,000 times. When was the last time I stopped what I was doing and watched Splash? It made me think of all the other gems we have hidden on a shelf and we really need to make her watch. Indiana Jones, Star Wars, even Lord of The Rings at some point. But for now we will keep her in 80's classics as her punishment, and what a punishment it is.
Parenting gets weird. I try not to fit into too many "I'm that mom" categories but it's hard. I work full time, she is in camp or school or aftercare full time. Her dad works full time. Even Grandma works full time. There is laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and food prep to do but sometimes you just gotta browse the DVDs and sit down and chill as a family. Even when my husband got home last night he was like, "Is this Splash!? We should watch Big next!"
Funny punishments make the whole parenting thing a little more palatable. Sometimes I'm too tired to be the scolding disciplinarian. Sometimes she's not being so bad, but just really needs to remember how to handle her little emotions and behave at home. Sometimes I've had a horrible day and I'm inadvertently short-fused. It's these moments where you need a tweak in the routine without throwing off the balance but selling her on a movie "mom picked," is almost as successful and selling her on fruit being a dessert.
When parenting gets funny, it gets lighter. When things get lighter, they often feel better. I've started telling my daughter that if she just calls today a day, and goes to bed and reboots, we can all do better tomorrow. She seems to be warming to that idea and I'm digging the nights when the worst thing I have to do to "punish" her, is pick a new movie for us to watch.
My husband and I quickly learned, that there are ways around this where the parents are also punished. On exhausted weeknights, when my kiddo loses her TV takeover and tablet privileges, the rule is, "You can't watch one of your shows. You have to watch what I want to watch." This is why I spent time in my room when I was little, because my dad would watch Law and Order and stuff I hated.
She usually tolerates my binge-shows, Friends, The Office, Seinfeld and Parks and Rec just fine. Anything else is debate-able. I found out recently that some of my daughter's little friends have been watching my current obsession, Stranger Things, with their kiddos. My daughter is a bit of a scaredy-cat if you will, so I decided that I would offer her the chance to watch it and promised her it was all very much not real and also a story from 30+ years ago, so it's all okay. She has since declined.
Now we have been forcing movies on her since she came out into the world and the bulk are completely appropriate. Some of them may have been a bit over her head but still language and story appropriate. Some things we realized were a little dark and sad so we curbed those but last night I realized that it was time to get her out of her element a bit.
The movies my husband and I grew up on, we have re-watched and realized are filled with swear words and sometimes too much sexuality before they changed the ratings. My dad notoriously let me watch movies I should have never been able to watch at the age I was allowed to watch them. So when I watched movies with my parents where people were clearly having sex they explained it away as "Oh they are just exercising."
Many, many sexual innuendos went over my naive little head in my youth and I now re-watch these movies like, wait, what? The greatest thing about 80's films, in my opinion were the epic actors and comedians. Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Back to The Future, Blues Brothers, Roxanne, Big, Turner and Hootch, Princess Bride, The Neverending Story, Labyrinth, and so on and so forth were those comedies that kids could watch but had humor for the parents, however inappropriate. It was last night that I turned to our crazy collection of DVDs for my daughter's technology band punishment.
My husband and I have over 200 DVDs I think. Even when streaming came out we didn't stop collecting them because the internet doesn't always work and we are from the "have a hard copy" generation. We used to browse Wal-Mart at odd hours and hit the $5 DVD bins and go wild. We especially love adding holiday classics now and Disney films to the collection.
My daughter threw an epic tantrum and the issue we've been struggling with is "I'm sorry doesn't just take away the bad behavior." I've had to make clear to her that, while it is important to say I'm sorry and while that's so wonderful to apologize, it doesn't mean you just get your privileges back. It's a weird line and she crosses it often. So there was screaming and when she calmed down and ate her dinner I said, "I have a bunch of chores to do out here and we can watch something, but I'm going to pick."
I was browsing around and thinking of something she wouldn't totally hate. Pirates of the Caribbean? Eh, maybe. The Mask? Eh, too weird. And then I stumbled upon the Tom Hanks section of our DVDs and there it was...SPLASH. Yes the movie about the mermaid in Manhattan, total score.
It started slow and she got a little bored. There were many benign swear words and all kinds of weird sexual undertones of course I had forgotten about. By the time the mermaid found television and got to go ice skating, she was fully engaged with the story. It was the best punishment ever.
I now think she is ready for the likes of Ghostbusters and especially, E.T. It was one of those weird punishments that actually brought us together. I watched Moana 8,000 times. When was the last time I stopped what I was doing and watched Splash? It made me think of all the other gems we have hidden on a shelf and we really need to make her watch. Indiana Jones, Star Wars, even Lord of The Rings at some point. But for now we will keep her in 80's classics as her punishment, and what a punishment it is.
Parenting gets weird. I try not to fit into too many "I'm that mom" categories but it's hard. I work full time, she is in camp or school or aftercare full time. Her dad works full time. Even Grandma works full time. There is laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and food prep to do but sometimes you just gotta browse the DVDs and sit down and chill as a family. Even when my husband got home last night he was like, "Is this Splash!? We should watch Big next!"
Funny punishments make the whole parenting thing a little more palatable. Sometimes I'm too tired to be the scolding disciplinarian. Sometimes she's not being so bad, but just really needs to remember how to handle her little emotions and behave at home. Sometimes I've had a horrible day and I'm inadvertently short-fused. It's these moments where you need a tweak in the routine without throwing off the balance but selling her on a movie "mom picked," is almost as successful and selling her on fruit being a dessert.
When parenting gets funny, it gets lighter. When things get lighter, they often feel better. I've started telling my daughter that if she just calls today a day, and goes to bed and reboots, we can all do better tomorrow. She seems to be warming to that idea and I'm digging the nights when the worst thing I have to do to "punish" her, is pick a new movie for us to watch.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
The Friend Fade
I've gone on about ghosting and such before, but a long time ago I did a personal journal about what I like to ominously call "The Fade." It is something that used to wear on me heavily and make my heart hurt, but now, recently in fact, I have healed enough to talk about what it all really means.
If you get on Pinterest you can find a million memes and articles about friends drifting apart and ghosting and outgrowing each other and everything to trigger you back to whatever social stuff you went through that makes you a little more attuned to things now. I've gotten sucked into the Pinterest quote and notes and have mixed feelings about whether or not it is helpful, but you can find some wisdom for sure.
I'll share my experience then, and what I have learned from it and how I use it now, and hopefully it can help some others feel less alone.
Before I had my daughter I had a tight knit group of amazing co-workers and befriended someone physically, spiritually and mentally beautiful. She and her family got my pregnant self, my husband and my newborn and infant through our first year as a family and I will forever feel grateful for them and miss them like crazy. Just typing this I'm welling up. They were the best ever.
I think being around them was our first taste of a second family home in Florida and we loved it. I considered her parents to be my daughters grandparents that were close by and considered her and her sister all aunties. They were our second family in my opinion.
Parenthood was rough on my husband and I. There were so many really uncomfortable and unfavorable things at play during that first year as parents and I struggled as a mother to balance everything. Looking back now, I wish I had been more open with my best friend about what was really going on but I can tell you, my family is still healing from some of the pain and trauma from that time period.
By the time my daughter was three my gorgeous Tampa best friend and I were barely speaking much. She hosted my child's first birthday party and was my greatest help and she was gone from my life, just a name on a friends list, a person in the background. At the time it felt painful, awkward and anxious but after a lot of reflection I now understand how and why we grew apart.
Between my friend getting her own adult life with her wonderful boyfriend together, getting away from parental units and getting into school, and with my being a fresh mom with a workaholic husband and no fun money or availability for much of a social life, the shift started easily, although perhaps I was too tired to call it out for what it was. She did so much for me and I miss her daily.
When I was starting to get into my worst, darkest stages, when I was very lost and beginning my year long struggle with job changes, weight loss and adulting stuff, that was when the fade began. I didn't feel abandoned in a time of need, I felt like I needed to let her grow and thrive because she was considerably younger than me and very much allowed to go and have fun and be young without my old self getting in the way.
The fade started with simply changing a lot of plans often, and things coming up. If it wasn't one of us, it was both of us having a hard time scheduling and committing. As I became less available due to family circumstances, it made it easier for her to step back more and more. The tagging on social media posts stopped. The liking of the pictures and statuses became few and far between. The texts went from daily to every other day to once a week to once every couple weeks to maybe once a month to nothing.
After a few months of almost no contact I scraped together money for Christmas gifts for her and her sister because she'd at least touch base to say thank you, or so I thought. I figured then I could check in and try and talk to her. I messaged her mom to confirm they received them and she sweetly said her sister loved them. I didn't hear anything from best friend about it. Ever. We didn't speak for 6 month after I sent the gifts, until the car accident.
She messaged me and apologized for the lapse in communication. She said she wanted to come bring us lunch. The day of the plans she fell ill and couldn't come. We did the whole, "another time," song and dance well with each other. I may have messaged her some well wishes about having no malice that we just didn't fit in each other's lives anymore. The cancelled lunch plans, however, that was the last I ever heard from her 3 years ago.
We're still on each other's social media but I check on her and she seemingly doesn't check on me. The people who knew us as besties say they are surprised that we don't talk anymore. I sent her messages just saying, "I hope you know I think the world of you and wish you well," and such for awhile but then just wanted to let her be.
Sometimes I wish I could write her a letter and tell her about how messed up things were and how I wish I had been more aware, awake and engaged with her to be a better friend. I wish I could say I understand how and why she outgrew me but all I want is good things for her and wish we could check in from time to time. I wish I could apologize for not being more present for her issues while wrapped in my own. But I realize that things turned out how they should, whether I like it or not.
About a year after we stopped speaking I realized how badly her exit had messed me up. I spiraled into a very dark, self-hating, world-hating, negative place. It was a learning experience I needed to have. I needed to make the mistakes I made to get me to where I am now, but it still was shitty. I found the wrong kinds of friends on the "rebound" from losing her, which somehow made it all even worse.
Sometimes I think she knew it all. I think she saw me kind of starting to wither and maybe she just couldn't do it so she just politely excused herself from the table and never returned to dinner. I often find myself wishing I could tell her that I'm okay now; I'm better and still working on my growth.
I cry typing right now because I hate that my daughter only has small memories of all that my wonderful ex-bestie and her family did for us. I hung onto so many silly things from her just because I liked remembering when we were good and close and happy. I talk to my daughter about her on occasion. I like to remind my daughter that she has always been surrounded by good people and love, even when we had rough times.
The friend fade is rough though. She's not the only person it has happened with but I feel like with the rest of the situations, people have moved onto new cities, bigger opportunities and different horizons but we still do that check in on social media or text where we just say, "Hey I'm so glad you are doing this," or "Congrats." Her and I don't even have the check in. We don't have anything anymore, and that still breaks my heart a little.
If she reads my blog, which I highly doubt, then now she knows all this stuff. If not, the hippie part of me just wanted to put this into the universe because it's part of the healing and growing process.
I've experienced other versions of the fade as well, some with a friend return, and others with a complete ghosting effect but none of it is an easy thing. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing we could feel closure with things. I will always want that kind of resolution, but I'm smart enough to realize that's just not how life works.
My other sad musing is that, we lose out and experience the fade because we hit rough phases of life that we are so engulfed in that we can't adequately share and reach out to those we need the most during such trials. Maybe it is age but I feel like, we often have these friends that we just hold close that we claim are our "everything" and "always," those people that we will never picture our life not having around, and then they move on and we look back fondly but realize that we can actually live without them, perhaps we just enjoyed things more when we had them by our sides.
I lost a lot of good people that I was very close to during my family trauma. I'm just now owning most of it, and finding my way to talk about it with everyone that survived all of my whims and flakiness in the midst of it all. There's been so much shame and regret to work through but I can now have some real conversations about it.
I still hold hope she'll message me one day. I've seen it happen with other friends and I will always hold hope, even if we're 80, that we can reconnect. I've made peace with the fact we probably won't. To quote Pam Beasley on The Office, "And it only took 3 years to summon the courage."
Losing my previous Tampa bestie has made it easier for me to endure the whims of other friendships and learn how to balance the positive and negative aspects of those relationships too. I've learned that I have to walk away peacefully knowing that, I put the good vibes out there for a friend but they must return and reciprocate by their own free will. I can't make them be the "kind" of friend I want or need in that moment, that day or that situation.
Losing her has made me appreciate the longevity of other friendships like my Oregon friends from college and my two oldest friends that have known me since Kindergarten and 3rd grade from Pennsylvania. We still talk regularly. Losing her has made me grateful that I had someone like her to call a friend at all. Sometimes it is more bittersweet than other times.
I've seen some sappy articles about this on social media but this one is from the heart. Some of you will know exactly who I wrote this about, and those of you who have never heard me mention her, now you know why.
I will always be grateful for the role she had in my life. I feel blessed that I knew her when I did. I feel blessed I can still see her on Facebook and Instagram and know that she is doing okay, thriving even. If you have ever lost someone like this, it can trigger many different reactions and emotions. It happens to more people than we can imagine, and it's often a tough tale to tell, but for today I'm glad I shared mine.
If you get on Pinterest you can find a million memes and articles about friends drifting apart and ghosting and outgrowing each other and everything to trigger you back to whatever social stuff you went through that makes you a little more attuned to things now. I've gotten sucked into the Pinterest quote and notes and have mixed feelings about whether or not it is helpful, but you can find some wisdom for sure.
I'll share my experience then, and what I have learned from it and how I use it now, and hopefully it can help some others feel less alone.
Before I had my daughter I had a tight knit group of amazing co-workers and befriended someone physically, spiritually and mentally beautiful. She and her family got my pregnant self, my husband and my newborn and infant through our first year as a family and I will forever feel grateful for them and miss them like crazy. Just typing this I'm welling up. They were the best ever.
I think being around them was our first taste of a second family home in Florida and we loved it. I considered her parents to be my daughters grandparents that were close by and considered her and her sister all aunties. They were our second family in my opinion.
Parenthood was rough on my husband and I. There were so many really uncomfortable and unfavorable things at play during that first year as parents and I struggled as a mother to balance everything. Looking back now, I wish I had been more open with my best friend about what was really going on but I can tell you, my family is still healing from some of the pain and trauma from that time period.
By the time my daughter was three my gorgeous Tampa best friend and I were barely speaking much. She hosted my child's first birthday party and was my greatest help and she was gone from my life, just a name on a friends list, a person in the background. At the time it felt painful, awkward and anxious but after a lot of reflection I now understand how and why we grew apart.
Between my friend getting her own adult life with her wonderful boyfriend together, getting away from parental units and getting into school, and with my being a fresh mom with a workaholic husband and no fun money or availability for much of a social life, the shift started easily, although perhaps I was too tired to call it out for what it was. She did so much for me and I miss her daily.
When I was starting to get into my worst, darkest stages, when I was very lost and beginning my year long struggle with job changes, weight loss and adulting stuff, that was when the fade began. I didn't feel abandoned in a time of need, I felt like I needed to let her grow and thrive because she was considerably younger than me and very much allowed to go and have fun and be young without my old self getting in the way.
The fade started with simply changing a lot of plans often, and things coming up. If it wasn't one of us, it was both of us having a hard time scheduling and committing. As I became less available due to family circumstances, it made it easier for her to step back more and more. The tagging on social media posts stopped. The liking of the pictures and statuses became few and far between. The texts went from daily to every other day to once a week to once every couple weeks to maybe once a month to nothing.
After a few months of almost no contact I scraped together money for Christmas gifts for her and her sister because she'd at least touch base to say thank you, or so I thought. I figured then I could check in and try and talk to her. I messaged her mom to confirm they received them and she sweetly said her sister loved them. I didn't hear anything from best friend about it. Ever. We didn't speak for 6 month after I sent the gifts, until the car accident.
She messaged me and apologized for the lapse in communication. She said she wanted to come bring us lunch. The day of the plans she fell ill and couldn't come. We did the whole, "another time," song and dance well with each other. I may have messaged her some well wishes about having no malice that we just didn't fit in each other's lives anymore. The cancelled lunch plans, however, that was the last I ever heard from her 3 years ago.
We're still on each other's social media but I check on her and she seemingly doesn't check on me. The people who knew us as besties say they are surprised that we don't talk anymore. I sent her messages just saying, "I hope you know I think the world of you and wish you well," and such for awhile but then just wanted to let her be.
Sometimes I wish I could write her a letter and tell her about how messed up things were and how I wish I had been more aware, awake and engaged with her to be a better friend. I wish I could say I understand how and why she outgrew me but all I want is good things for her and wish we could check in from time to time. I wish I could apologize for not being more present for her issues while wrapped in my own. But I realize that things turned out how they should, whether I like it or not.
About a year after we stopped speaking I realized how badly her exit had messed me up. I spiraled into a very dark, self-hating, world-hating, negative place. It was a learning experience I needed to have. I needed to make the mistakes I made to get me to where I am now, but it still was shitty. I found the wrong kinds of friends on the "rebound" from losing her, which somehow made it all even worse.
Sometimes I think she knew it all. I think she saw me kind of starting to wither and maybe she just couldn't do it so she just politely excused herself from the table and never returned to dinner. I often find myself wishing I could tell her that I'm okay now; I'm better and still working on my growth.
I cry typing right now because I hate that my daughter only has small memories of all that my wonderful ex-bestie and her family did for us. I hung onto so many silly things from her just because I liked remembering when we were good and close and happy. I talk to my daughter about her on occasion. I like to remind my daughter that she has always been surrounded by good people and love, even when we had rough times.
The friend fade is rough though. She's not the only person it has happened with but I feel like with the rest of the situations, people have moved onto new cities, bigger opportunities and different horizons but we still do that check in on social media or text where we just say, "Hey I'm so glad you are doing this," or "Congrats." Her and I don't even have the check in. We don't have anything anymore, and that still breaks my heart a little.
If she reads my blog, which I highly doubt, then now she knows all this stuff. If not, the hippie part of me just wanted to put this into the universe because it's part of the healing and growing process.
I've experienced other versions of the fade as well, some with a friend return, and others with a complete ghosting effect but none of it is an easy thing. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing we could feel closure with things. I will always want that kind of resolution, but I'm smart enough to realize that's just not how life works.
My other sad musing is that, we lose out and experience the fade because we hit rough phases of life that we are so engulfed in that we can't adequately share and reach out to those we need the most during such trials. Maybe it is age but I feel like, we often have these friends that we just hold close that we claim are our "everything" and "always," those people that we will never picture our life not having around, and then they move on and we look back fondly but realize that we can actually live without them, perhaps we just enjoyed things more when we had them by our sides.
I lost a lot of good people that I was very close to during my family trauma. I'm just now owning most of it, and finding my way to talk about it with everyone that survived all of my whims and flakiness in the midst of it all. There's been so much shame and regret to work through but I can now have some real conversations about it.
I still hold hope she'll message me one day. I've seen it happen with other friends and I will always hold hope, even if we're 80, that we can reconnect. I've made peace with the fact we probably won't. To quote Pam Beasley on The Office, "And it only took 3 years to summon the courage."
Losing my previous Tampa bestie has made it easier for me to endure the whims of other friendships and learn how to balance the positive and negative aspects of those relationships too. I've learned that I have to walk away peacefully knowing that, I put the good vibes out there for a friend but they must return and reciprocate by their own free will. I can't make them be the "kind" of friend I want or need in that moment, that day or that situation.
Losing her has made me appreciate the longevity of other friendships like my Oregon friends from college and my two oldest friends that have known me since Kindergarten and 3rd grade from Pennsylvania. We still talk regularly. Losing her has made me grateful that I had someone like her to call a friend at all. Sometimes it is more bittersweet than other times.
I've seen some sappy articles about this on social media but this one is from the heart. Some of you will know exactly who I wrote this about, and those of you who have never heard me mention her, now you know why.
I will always be grateful for the role she had in my life. I feel blessed that I knew her when I did. I feel blessed I can still see her on Facebook and Instagram and know that she is doing okay, thriving even. If you have ever lost someone like this, it can trigger many different reactions and emotions. It happens to more people than we can imagine, and it's often a tough tale to tell, but for today I'm glad I shared mine.
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