I had heard the homework cries of the mothers before me but she was still little. Only now do I fully understand. The fight about said homework is often worse than the homework itself.
She gets a weekly packet sent home and I'm already critical of the order of the packet and lack of complete communication on what exactly the lessons are. Let me just say that re-visiting all the things ingrmained in us from childhood with "newer" methods is really maddening and sometimes insulting.
My Achilles' heel is math. Always has been, always will be and some of the things they are teaching and how they teach it, I'm like "Wait, what?" It's like I know how to get the answer but not necessarily how to break down how I came to that conclusion. So then all of the issues of my childhood haunt me.
In a conference yesterday, it was explained to my husband that while my daughter is incredibly intelligent, she rushes through things and gets frustrated fast if she doesn't do them correctly the first time. This is a mixture of both sides. Other notes included that she aims to please. Duh! That's definitely a trait of mine. Oh and she has an excellent vocabulary.
Last night my daughter and I got stuck on a math question and asked my mathematically inclined hubby to break it down. He did this whole charade and when my daughter hit a frustrated moment he told her to go to her room. I sat quietly at the table holding back tears of frustration. On the one hand, I've definitely parented that same way, on the other, I never want her feeling as though she is "dumb" or unable to feel everything that comes with learning and having a hard time doing so.
Full disclosure, have you ever heard someone explain something in detail and you just can't fully picture it? Maybe there is a way they are depicting it that you just can't break through to fully comprehending what they are talking about? You feel dumb if you say "nope" when they ask if "you get it?" So you just fake it until you make it right?
I've had this struggle the past few years at work where I feel like I'm explaining something plainly but when it comes out, a boss or superior is acting as though I'm insane, just making things up or speaking Latin.
At some point I grew up a bit and realized, okay, slow down and explain it as though even a kid could understand what you're saying, walk the person through it and then you won't feel stressed about it. I use this regularly and now have to share the traits with my daughter. This is parenthood in full swing.
When she got upset, I felt it for her, I knew what it was. She didn't want to feel like "she couldn't." And guess what? No one does, especially us women. We do get the shit end of the stick being made to just feel inferior as soon as we are born. Not all men go out of their way to make us feel that, but there's a general fog of "boys do it better," that goes around regularly.
Getting her out of her anxious place and back to a learning place takes breaks and patience. Getting me away from my age old triggers and out of mama bear mode and into mama bestowing wisdom also takes breaks and patience. When my hubby ticked her off I wanted to yell at him for yelling at her. But I just took a breath, grasped my feelings and talked it out with her so we could finish the task at hand.
I don't know about anyone else, but especially moms, I just feel like we are ALWAYS rushing. We are always trying to do everything all the time and as quickly as possible. It's no wonder my kid rushes through tests and assignments.
We are a chore to rewards household. What this means is, that to get what you want (which is usually some form of technology) you have to do your homework and a chore first. Again, I'm not surprised she wants to "get it over with." How much of life as moms and employees and such do we want to "just get over with?" She is not coming up with these themes alone.
Last night I realized how many changes I would have to make, in order to be the best, most present mom I could, no matter how tired, no matter how "done" and no matter how overwhelmed, so that this kid could thrive. I like to joke that my dad raised three highly creative, highly intelligent, female under-achievers. I refuse to raise my kiddo like that. She will learn work ethic, to value education and to use it to the fullest to become WHATEVER she may want in life.
That starts in school. It's a frightening realization. We are cultivating tiny people to succeed in life. We get 18-ish years to mold them and guide them to be reasonable humans that do no harm and take no shit. This makes me worry.
We have these wars and arguments about reading and homework and how to do this, that and the next thing. And here I sit worried about how to make sure she gets the most out of it all and that I somehow parent her in the right way for her. My biggest fear, and I know I'm not alone but most people wouldn't really admit, is that she take on my anxieties and issues and carry them into her own world. We don't actually want our children to be exact miniature versions of ourselves. We wish we could just hand select our best qualities and then let them be their own level of awesome.
It's funny how one weird equation can add up. That was epic math pun usage by the way so, enjoy that! Parenthood keeps getting weirder. Here I am complaining about a school event this week, one that I truly don't enjoy but "must attend," and there are bigger things to deal with.
I think my daughter will always need a little extra help. I know that I have needed extra help but am always afraid to ask. My goal is to make her unafraid to ask. This morning she was looking through the annual Target toy catalog and was eyeing an LOL scooter. She said to me "mom it only has the two wheels though so what if I fall? I'll fall." I said, "Baby, that's part of the fun. You fall you get back up and you keep going. You fall and go again and again and again." She rolled her eyes at me a bit but I want to get her past her mental hurdle that things are "too hard."
So much of life will seem "too hard" but that doesn't mean that we won't persist and that we can't succeed. Ushering in this mantra, this idea for her, this is my new project. I'm hoping that soccer and some team building stuff enforces a lot more confidence and strength too. For now, my wisdom is that I just have to get her out of her own way.
Ironically I still struggle with this. I am just now changing my internal dialogue of building up this whole exciting thing and then saying "nah, I could never do, be or have that," to, "If you want to do that, find a way to make it work for you." It's all about attitude.
No my daughter has the sass and attitude to lead a huge company or perhaps a prison gang depending on how things turn out. As her mom it's now my job to harness that for good, for her learning and growth, instead of watching her turn to negativity. Her and I will conquer this together and learn from each other, I can tell. She's already taught me way more than I ever learned in school, but for first grade purposes, I won't tell her that just yet!
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