Homework Wars And Worries

She's only in first grade... 

I had heard the homework cries of the mothers before me but she was still little. Only now do I fully understand. The fight about said homework is often worse than the homework itself.

She gets a weekly packet sent home and I'm already critical of the order of the packet and lack of complete communication on what exactly the lessons are. Let me just say that re-visiting all the things ingrmained in us from childhood with "newer" methods is really maddening and sometimes insulting.

My Achilles' heel is math. Always has been, always will be and some of the things they are teaching and how they teach it, I'm like "Wait, what?" It's like I know how to get the answer but not necessarily how to break down how I came to that conclusion. So then all of the issues of my childhood haunt me.

In a conference yesterday, it was explained to my husband that while my daughter is incredibly intelligent, she rushes through things and gets frustrated fast if she doesn't do them correctly the first time. This is a mixture of both sides. Other notes included that she aims to please. Duh! That's definitely a trait of mine. Oh and she has an excellent vocabulary. 

Last night my daughter and I got stuck on a math question and asked my mathematically inclined hubby to break it down. He did this whole charade and when my daughter hit a frustrated moment he told her to go to her room. I sat quietly at the table holding back tears of frustration. On the one hand, I've definitely parented that same way, on the other, I never want her feeling as though she is "dumb" or unable to feel everything that comes with learning and having a hard time doing so.

Full disclosure, have you ever heard someone explain something in detail and you just can't fully picture it? Maybe there is a way they are depicting it that you just can't break through to fully comprehending what they are talking about? You feel dumb if you say "nope" when they ask if "you get it?" So you just fake it until you make it right?

I've had this struggle the past few years at work where I feel like I'm explaining something plainly but when it comes out, a boss or superior is acting as though I'm insane, just making things up or speaking Latin. 

At some point I grew up a bit and realized, okay, slow down and explain it as though even a kid could understand what you're saying, walk the person through it and then you won't feel stressed about it. I use this regularly and now have to share the traits with my daughter. This is parenthood in full swing.

When she got upset, I felt it for her, I knew what it was. She didn't want to feel like "she couldn't." And guess what? No one does, especially us women. We do get the shit end of the stick being made to just feel inferior as soon as we are born. Not all men go out of their way to make us feel that, but there's a general fog of "boys do it better," that goes around regularly.

Getting her out of her anxious place and back to a learning place takes breaks and patience. Getting me away from my age old triggers and out of mama bear mode and into mama bestowing wisdom also takes breaks and patience. When my hubby ticked her off I wanted to yell at him for yelling at her. But I just took a breath, grasped my feelings and talked it out with her so we could finish the task at hand.

I don't know about anyone else, but especially moms, I just feel like we are ALWAYS rushing. We are always trying to do everything all the time and as quickly as possible. It's no wonder my kid rushes through tests and assignments.

We are a chore to rewards household. What this means is, that to get what you want (which is usually some form of technology) you have to do your homework and a chore first. Again, I'm not surprised she wants to "get it over with." How much of life as moms and employees and such do we want to "just get over with?" She is not coming up with these themes alone.

Last night I realized how many changes I would have to make, in order to be the best, most present mom I could, no matter how tired, no matter how "done" and no matter how overwhelmed, so that this kid could thrive. I like to joke that my dad raised three highly creative, highly intelligent, female under-achievers. I refuse to raise my kiddo like that. She will learn work ethic, to value education and to use it to the fullest to become WHATEVER she may want in life.

That starts in school. It's a frightening realization. We are cultivating tiny people to succeed in life. We get 18-ish years to mold them and guide them to be reasonable humans that do no harm and take no shit. This makes me worry.

We have these wars and arguments about reading and homework and how to do this, that and the next thing. And here I sit worried about how to make sure she gets the most out of it all and that I somehow parent her in the right way for her. My biggest fear, and I know I'm not alone but most people wouldn't really admit, is that she take on my anxieties and issues and carry them into her own world. We don't actually want our children to be exact miniature versions of ourselves. We wish we could just hand select our best qualities and then let them be their own level of awesome.

It's funny how one weird equation can add up. That was epic math pun usage by the way so, enjoy that! Parenthood keeps getting weirder. Here I am complaining about a school event this week, one that I truly don't enjoy but "must attend," and there are bigger things to deal with. 

I think my daughter will always need a little extra help. I know that I have needed extra help but am always afraid to ask. My goal is to make her unafraid to ask. This morning she was looking through the annual Target toy catalog and was eyeing an LOL scooter. She said to me "mom it only has the two wheels though so what if I fall? I'll fall." I said, "Baby, that's part of the fun. You fall you get back up and you keep going. You fall and go again and again and again." She rolled her eyes at me a bit but I want to get her past her mental hurdle that things are "too hard."

So much of life will seem "too hard" but that doesn't mean that we won't persist and that we can't succeed. Ushering in this mantra, this idea for her, this is my new project. I'm hoping that soccer and some team building stuff enforces a lot more confidence and strength too. For now, my wisdom is that I just have to get her out of her own way.

Ironically I still struggle with this. I am just now changing my internal dialogue of building up this whole exciting thing and then saying "nah, I could never do, be or have that," to, "If you want to do that, find a way to make it work for you." It's all about attitude.

No my daughter has the sass and attitude to lead a huge company or perhaps a prison gang depending on how things turn out. As her mom it's now my job to harness that for good, for her learning and growth, instead of watching her turn to negativity. Her and I will conquer this together and learn from each other, I can tell. She's already taught me way more than I ever learned in school, but for first grade purposes, I won't tell her that just yet!

Mother's Day Washing Machines And Sick Kiddos

I've been fantasizing about a new washer and dryer, more-so a new washer, for at least 2 years. Every time I think we have money for it, life happens. There is a medical or car-related issue, or something life-wise comes first.

My mom does her laundry at my house. Since Christmas she has been ruthlessly nagging about my crappy appliances. This irks me to no end for a laundry list, pun intended, of reasons. First, most parental relationships would have the mom figure say, "Hey your washer sucks, I'll give you a few hundred towards a new one." Or some even just buy their children new appliances, or so I've heard. My mom hasn't the means to buy us one, but also doesn't have the means to be nice about the one we have apparently. It washes the clothes, hence it's main function, it's just definitely time for a new one. Also, my mother is anything but domestic, so when she complains about appliances, when she lives in an appliance-less apartment, it just cracks me up. Feel the eye roll.

Some soon-to-be-newlywed friends are moving to new digs and sold us their one-year-old, still-under-warranty Maytag to be retrieved today. I'm ridiculously excited about this. True to form, I told my mom that this purchase was her mother's day present. I bought her a new washer so she won't have to complain anymore. Success!

In other news, my daughter has had a cough the last 72 hours and last night it hit new heights. My husband worked 9 days in a row and is off today so I think they are both taking a life-hiatus together, with exception of washer pick up. This is a great excuse for me to leave work early, however, so I'm all in.

This is only my daughter's second sick day the entire school year and they only have 2 weeks left of the year. She's a super healthy kid but much like her mother, just needs some time to do nothing and heal from time to time. It's kind of a rainy Tuesday, too, so it's ideal.

I feel blessed that I have a job that doesn't shame me for being a mom when I'm needed. I feel blessed that I have a husband willing to chill with his kiddo when she needs some parental snuggles and extra attention. I feel blessed that we are all growing and building on things right now. It's not often I can say that.

There are things in life that will be frustrating. My random feeling of weight gain and my stupid thyroid are on the top right now. Paying down bills and life things getting in the way of life fun are always unfair-feeling obstacles, but I've been thinking how far we've come and I have to give credit where credit is due.

We have our decade as Floridians pending this summer, and I think this is the first year we won't end up in the hole, begging everyone for money, and feeling inferior in adulting things. What a nice perspective. I think a lot, maybe even too much, and I'm kind of realizing the way the universe has laid out it's obstacles, challenges and things to overcome isn't so coincidental or random after all. Perhaps we had to go through the all the storms to get to the end of the rainbow.

Mostly I just feel like, we are the epitome of things never going as planned. We have had grand designs and things have always happened outside of our timelines, but mostly as they should. We have suffered some yucky, difficult things. We've been horrible to each other at times, and to other people we love. But, we've learned a lot and are better off for having lived those lessons.

There's plenty I'm still completely unsure about. There's still cautious optimism and plans that are damned to be derailed. We're still finding our footing and putting in the work to build, but that's more than I've been able to say for a long time.

So Mother's Day washers are better than shiny new sets that put us in debt, and sick days at home with snuggles are better than getting sicker and pushing through school and work. Sometimes you need a day after the transition, after the exhaustion, to just kick back and reflect. You may find the view more appealing than you'd originally designed. And 1 year old washers work just as good as new ones, and either beats one that's been kicking at least the past decade. It should be quite a Tuesday. 

Valentine's Day In Motherhood

Valentine's day used to be one of those holidays girls wrapped all their hopes and dreams into. I for one much prefer Galentine's Day lately. But here's why today rocked. There were no super surprises. No flowers, diamonds or over the top luxuries. But today was my daughter's Kindergarten Grandparent's/Valentine's Day show. And it was amazing.

My husband and I did the normal card exchange but because of the afternoon show, and it being my dad's last day in town, we snuck a lunch with my dad in tow, before the big production. Then off to the show we went!

My daughter had been threatening to not sing. Boy did she mean business! She paid close attention. She focused on her teachers and the commands. She knew every hand gesture and pantomime. She did not sing. Stone-faced she stood there. And occasionally smiled and waved at us. She had this adorable and ridiculous embarrassed grin. I loved it.

In other news for today I was able to leave work early and now have my dad doing finishing touches in my daughter's room for her many requests and I'm relaxing in the quiet before the rest of the day unfolds. I'm still full from lunch.

Today I got to be a real, live Valentine's day mom. I got Luna the card. Hubby got her the chocolates. I was at the school event with the other grandparents and parents, on time and ready to watch it. I smiled and waved and sang all the words. I blew kisses and laughed and loved watching her in action. I didn't even cry!

Valentine's Day used to be a huge thing for hubby and I, but since he's been a chef, he always works tonight. They are fully booked with reservations the next 3 nights. I for one am happy going to bed early with my little love happy in a chocolate coma in the next room and ready to send my dad back to Oregon with a great trip in the books.

But as a mom, I always feel like I'm lacking. Maybe all moms feel that in one way or another but I always feel bad being that working mom. I don't take time off for every little thing so that when days like today come along I can be there and pay attention.

I saw all the adorable Facebook posts of love. I've seen all the Instagram posts of love as well. And it was funny because where I used to make sure to loathe all of it and feel so very inferior and less than, this year I'm generally happy for everyone who is making the most out of this holiday. I even saw a "Friendaversary" of today on Facebook with a guy and his girlfriend of about one year. YAY! How cute is that?

And I know that for some single people today blows. It can feel super triggery and overwhelming, but let me just say, us married people don't have it all together either. Essentially it's just another day. But, if you can find some love and some big red hearts out there for today, Valentine's day can be less "Bleh," which I know some of you have felt.

For me it wasn't romantic love at all, but motherhood and being a part of something seemingly mundane and boring that meant everything. Perhaps you can find something like that too. Happy Valentine's Day readers!!