Haircut PTSD Lessened By Stranger Things

My daughter's first haircut was unfortunately out of desperate necessity after the car accident four years ago. My daughter has gorgeous red hair with curls. She was blessed to have more than just my humidity waves but less than the crazy 80's perm curls from my ex-husband's side. In the car accident, we were the epitome of bad parents when she was already overdue for a bath, she was in hand me down pajamas and she looked like a ragamuffin with her crazy hair. To top it off, in one of my "I can garden," stints, we had some soil in the back of the hatchback that exploded all over her in the impact so she looked like orphan Annie ready to sing, "Hard Knock Life."

After we got her home and recovered, she couldn't go in the bath with casts. Her hair was rough and ratty. My friend owned a salon and we tag teamed her hair, with all the expensive product they could spare. We couldn't get out the giant rats nest. It was impossible. No matter what product, what brushes. We had to take her into the salon the cut it out when she was three. Ever since then, haircuts have been very touch and go.

I have always found and befriended hairdressers because it's important to trust people with your red hair. Plus, if I ever want to do crazy color and upgrade the look, it's nice to know where to go. I thought if Luna knew the person cutting her hair it would make it easier. This has rarely been the case.

Luna's little best friend's mom is a hairdresser so I commissioned her for the job in the pandemic because I'm not ready to take the kid to the salon. My ex used to like to take her to one of those kid cuts places where you sit in the little car, watch Disney or Nickelodeon and get a balloon afterwards, but I always preferred her in the hands of a friend.

The last haircut my friend gave her was a simple trim. My child acts like she's being tortured during haircut time so it can be a test in anyone's patience. My ex-husband and I have always argued about her hair. He says I don't understand curly people hair problems so I was pretty much not allowed an opinion. What he doesn't understand is that I am a woman and might not know much, but I know about hair. To my mother's credit she raised me to know how lucky I am to have my thick red hair and that people pay a lot of money to have my color and it pales in comparison when it's fake so I should take care of my hair as much as I can.

While hair care has been completely lost in motherhood for myself, I still try my best with the kid. The other night after I thought I'd done okay not losing my mind after some stressful days, she came to me with a ratty and I had to cut it off and told her that her friend's mom was going to cut it whether she liked it or not. I conformed to all bribery. She sat in my new, adjustable office chair watching My Little Pony, with my water bottle she tries always tries to steal, along with her little bestie holding her hand as though we were about to put her through torture. 

My friend gave her perfect, curly layers and lightened it to perfection. My daughter went to look at it and threw herself onto the floor. She hated it. For about three hours she said she looked horrible and the rest of the day was recovery. Luckily my friend took no offense.

In the midst of all this, we had just begun watching Stranger Things and I kept saying, "You look like Eleven! Wait until you see season three, it's the same! Or Nancy, Nancy's hair is like that!" It took her all day to warm to it and the next morning when she brushed it effortlessly she said, "Mommy, I do look like Eleven and I'm always going to ask for this haircut."

Since then it's all she can talk about. She tells and shows everyone, she talks about Stranger Things, which chapter we're on and how her hair is just like Eleven's. She says she's going to be Eleven for Halloween and I'm going to be Max.

I know Stranger Things isn't a cure for haircut PTSD, but it sure has done some great things this round. My daughter has been shoving her hair into a ponytail with scrunchie since I can remember and it's okay, but her hair makes her gorgeous little face shine and I wish she'd let it down or do half up and little clips and such. This haircut has brought all that into action and with Eleven's help, hopefully we can keep the trend going. 

I always knew Stranger Things was bad ass. I've been dying to get my kid to watch something that wasn't on Disney Plus that I actually enjoy, and I finally got her into it. It's been some fantastic bonding time because she's really into it and loves the whole gang.

Parenting is rough any day. Add in a pandemic, a divorce, and all these transitions, we're bound to fight. Thank goodness for Netflix and mom and daughter pajama parties to heal all the life trauma. 

Mentality Matters

Yesterday in my last 90 minutes of work, a particularly prickly contributor I work with, sent me something to edit and send out and it sat in my inbox longer than he would prefer. He didn't actually call me out on it, I had felt badly because I was distracted with other work things.

Internally I was worried he would call and chew me out, or maybe a boss would get pissed about it. Immediately after I published it, I started my "I'm sorry" email. I started to type it twice and then stopped myself. Why? Because apologizing for being human, doing other aspects of my job and not being at his beck and call, didn't seem worth it. Would it even make me feel better?

I stopped and thought, why am I apologizing? This stuff happens. It's called life. What do I have to apologize for? Oh nothing really, but missing something that could have used more timely attention but it all went out anyway. I calmed myself down and got myself home.

It was my mentality about it that made it bigger than it was. Huh, quite a novel idea that it's about your personal mentality towards an issue that makes it "extra." This isn't a new idea. Some people carry this genius with them and don't have such anxious upsets and responses towards things, but for me this faint "A-ha" moment gave me pause.

I got home with my tiny person and got my evening rolling and by bed time had gone to bed forgetting about the whole issue. I woke up, remembered I had to get more blood drawn and thought "Shit, I might hear about that late update." After a successful blood draw I got to work late and heard all of nothing about it. Not a word.

When the contributor's number came across the call ID I was sure it was a verbal lashing waiting to happen. Nope. He said nothing. So any amount of upset and stress was self-inflicted and I pushed my mentality towards other things and it all turned out just fine. Huh. I may be onto something.

See my mentality can be volatile and fragile. Some days I can handle all of life's curve balls with perfect precision in hitting back or catch and pitch. Some days I cry over a burrito, or because I can't find a straw. Some people blame lady troubles or sensitivity, but mostly it is my mentality that makes all the difference.

When I mentally "let go" of stuff, it makes me feel legitimately lighter. Like when I stopped feeling badly for not being an amazing volunteer, I felt like I lost five pounds. I was like, "Oh wait I can just go live my life now and be kind? I don't have to stress over arranging something that makes me anxious? COOL!"

I'm that person who views an unanswered text as a "Fuck off." That whole "no response is a response" I changed to "No response means go the fuck away." Excuse the language but mentally, that is where I usually go. When that happens, I get defensive and down on myself, but lately instead of making justifications and excuses for the non-responding offender, I just attempt to change my mentality. Instead of "Fuck off," it could be "Feeling overwhelmed," or "meant to revisit the message later," to "busy."

While I preach low to no expectations, I also hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This I do to a fault. I mentally prepare for all possible outcomes to the point of exhaustion. I'm ready for all avenues of response or lack thereof. Apparently I get this from my dad, or so he claims.

My mentality is one of my greatest struggles. Confidence, strength, conviction, and sureness are not things I just have. So much of my mentality is wrapped in my trauma, I'm realizing. Because of past moments of standing up for myself and being down-played or degraded, I have less push to consistently be my own advocate. Because of trying and failing something previously, I hesitate to try again. 

Most of this stuff is human, some of it is awesomely Alison. What I realized yesterday in the mentality mattering moment was just how much I can do, with a little adjustment in my outlook on things. I am well aware I impose 90% of my stress and anxiety on myself, all on my own. It's like a gut reaction.What I'm still learning is how to mentally alleviate some of that, on my own. 

It's not a "just don't think about it," or, "don't let it bother you," type of situation but as I say to my daughter regularly, I feel it's more a "Thank you for sharing your feelings that you're sad, how can I help with that?" If I say, even to myself, "This is making me feel anxious," I can self-soothe with, "well what can we do about it."

For the contributor reaction issue, I had my list of excuses backlogged but instead I said to myself "It went out, I was busy with other things and not attentive to my email." No further explanation needed. For unresponsive friends or family members, I usually bring myself down from anxious whims by saying "Okay, you asked them to do x,y,z, they now have to respond according and if they don't, you just go on with your day. It's not an end all, be all thing."

My mentality matters a LOT when it comes to my ability to process my depression and anxiety. Not surprisingly, this aligns with my inner dialogue, my self acceptance, my letting go and my dealing with disappointment and expectations. So this reverts back to many, many other blog posts. This makes me feel happy about the cultivation of what matters and today, my mentality matters!

These aren't "easy" conclusions, acceptances and ideas to just keep in your back pocket but I continue to love my growth, my healing and all of the discoveries that come along with them. Perhaps in losing some blood today I made more room for some insight. Here we go thoughtful Thursday. Let's do this!

The Bridge Moment

The title of this post sounds more ominous than it is. I take a bridge every day to get to work. It is aptly named "The Bayside Bridge." It's not very long, but from it, when I look left I can see the skyline of Tampa, overlooking the wide expanse that is Tampa Bay.

This is how I spend 5 days a week, taking this bridge to and from work. On the good mornings, I stare at that skyline, ever so briefly with the sun just above it and think to myself, "That is so cool. So gorgeous. What a view!"

On rainy or rushed mornings I am unable to partake, but more often than not I take that as my moment of zen. It's a super simple thing really and I may only sneak one glance or do a double-take or two, but they make all the difference.

I think I've explained just how much I hate, and I mean loathe the cold, and how the heat just does not bother me. I am the exact opposite of princess Elsa:

I hear people complain often about the heat, the rain, and even the hurricanes but I just gently remind them, you get to live in Florida! I understand the summers here are rough but our winters are just perfect. I was just talking to my husband about how everyone in Oregon is posting their camping pictures and their lake and coast pictures and you know what I was thinking? Man I miss being in Oregon IN THE SUMMER.

I actually adore Florida year round because what we lack in decent summer temperatures we make up for in lightning and thunderstorms. They calm me. They are amazing wonders of nature! But, I digress.

The bridge moment had me thinking about how, just a few minutes of a grateful view can help move along your day to a positive way. This morning I almost ditched working out. I woke up tired. I am still even a little tired, but I pushed through and am enjoying that it is Thursday!

I can clearly identify this as an up-swing, most definitely as life doesn't always work out so well. There are and will be some mornings where I could care less about Tampa over there but knowing that I steal away a bridge moment from time to time is comforting.

To me, the bridge moment represents a hint of self care, and of gratefulness. How often do we not care for ourselves well and do we just act like everyone gets to take a nice bridge on their commute? Some people get no views except exit signs. 

I think it's important to be aware of your ability to have these kinds of moments and hold them close to you. Some people find an empty gym to be a bridge moment. My dad probably has bridge moments on hiking trails. Some people find that moment with a quiet cup of coffee or glass of wine. Some people find it in a meal or dessert, the list goes on. What we should think about is not taking it for granted.

Some people's bridge moments are few and far between. I have been that person more often than I'd like to share. There are times when even taking a moment to enjoy a skyline felt pointless and stupid. We all have those seasons of life. For now, even just in terms of just for today, and with the heat and humidity blow-drying my curls, I took my bridge moment seriously in reflection of being grateful that I live by the beach.

There is beauty everywhere. When we were in Pennsylvania I forgot the roaming hills, rivers and farmland was so awesome in summer. I saw NYC from the One World Trade center and thought how amazing that was. I've also been in awe of smaller marvels like the oak trees or a perfectly landscaped yard. Just look around and you can find SOMETHING, even if you feel like it's trivial or silly.

I think it's safe to admit that in life we have plenty to complain about. We face plenty of uncomfortable things regularly if not daily, but for this soapbox blog installment for a Thursday I just encourage you to find and have a bridge moment of your own. It's good for the soul and other things. Feel free to tell me what yours is! I'd love to share and have a follow up post! Happy Friday Eve!

Little Ears, Big Fears -- Watch Your Mouth Around My Kid, And I'm Not Talking About Swearing

I'm the least publicly opinionated person -- well about religion, politics and such -- ever. I will keep my mouth shut to avoid looking stupid about anything I don't feel fully educated on. Apparently this isn't a common trend.

I try to never judge another parent because as someone who has gone through some serious shit in my parental, personal and household life, you just never know what anyone is carrying so don't speak on it. What I do know is I have every right to not have my kid around those parents, families and children who have shown me that the way they run their household and raise they're children is so very different from my parenting goals that it may deter my child from being her awesome self.

There is one particular little girl in my daughter's aftercare and summer program that I would call an instigator, to put it kindly. To be fair, this kid has not had ideal circumstances for her life, as far as my understanding, so I take it all with patience and grace, or try. However, her mom said something so weird, and it was relayed to me by my kiddo, and although her statement technically isn't false, I just felt it should be better explained and more succinctly communicated.

My daughter said this little girl's mom said, "Sunscreen is poison for your skin." I asked my daughter to repeat and clarify. She said that the other girl's mom said the sunscreen we had was poison for your skin. Her friend corroborated. It was one of those moments where I literally hadn't the words so I said, "Well sunburn is bad for your skin too, we'll talk about this later."

Look, we live in a time where everything is bad for you, everything causes cancer and healthcare is more expensive than a mortgage payment sometimes. There is serious information overload. You WebMD and cough and wait for "cancer" to just appear and be diagnosed. This mother isn't wrong necessarily, I mean I see her point. There are some kinds of sunscreens and lotions that can have bad effects on the skin, but I'm raising an Irish redhead in Florida; she needs to have sunscreen to be allowed outside ever. I get sunburned walking from my car into the grocery store. So making this kind of statement into impressionable 6 year old ears, seems super...unthinking to me. There needs to be more tact.

In a perfect world I would have hoped this mother said, "Oh I read that that sunscreen isn't the best for your skin, you should tell your mommy to try a different brand." Or maybe even, "Sunscreen can be bad for your skin but sun burn can too so it's important to choose certain kinds and learn more." Kids over-react to EVERYTHING, so I think it needed to be more carefully explained.

It's like that scene from Little Miss Sunshine where the dad is giving his daughter the harsh truth about how ice cream has fat that can turn into fat on your body, which doesn't make beauty queens. He said it in such an asshole way, you hated him. All little kids should enjoy ice cream while they can. However, he's not wrong! There is just a better way to explain it. And that's our job as parents.

My daughter went on a 10 minute rant about Monsters being real or not last night, basically asking me if bad guys in movies and cartoons were real. She had a lot of ideas about this. I kind of leveled with her and said, most of the evil and bad stuff was pretend and didn't end up hurting anyone in the story, so she doesn't have to worry. It was funny though because she was telling me how real unicorns and My Little Pony characters are, and Disney monsters, like from Monster's Inc, those protect her, but other yucky monsters were pretend. I mean I told her that sounded okay to me. And NO ONE should correct her.

See, kids are so fantastical, that they over-dramatize everything so you have to watch those little ears and help them navigate their big fears. When she was 4 we went into the ocean on this perfect day and my daughter said, "Are there sharks in the ocean?" I said, "Yes, but not near where we are. They are way out there, not in this part of the ocean." My cousin said, "Nice lie, mom." If I told my daughter that shark attacks have happened in waist deep water in the gulf, she'd never go in. This is why my husband never tells me if he sees snakes near the house, I'd demand to move to Iceland or Hawaii.

Every parent is going to raise their children differently. Maybe some people are done with the Santa thing, but don't tell my kid Santa isn't real. Seriously I will throat punch any adult that ruins Santa for my daughter. You don't have to believe in unicorns, but we do. You can say that Disney Characters are pretend but she has pictures with most of them. And leave me in the Wizard World of Harry Potter for a day, I'll come back full wizard!

The swear words stuff doesn't bother me because she will learn to use them in her vocabulary as intended and everyone hears those words everywhere. Just a few weeks ago she said, "Mom freak is the 'F' word and we don't use it, right?" I said, "We do not use that word, no." Without a beat she said, "The other 'F' word is 'Fuck.'" My jaw dropped and I went to scold her but she calmly said, "Mom I'm not SAYING that word I'm just telling you what the other 'F' word is! I didn't actually SAY it." She had a solid point.

To me it's worse to fill my kid with info they can't quite process like the sunscreen shenanigans, than for me to accidentally swear around her. While that little girl's mom was probably crazy well-intentioned, I would just hope that other moms I know would over-explain things to get the kid to fully understand the scope, rather than just throw out commentary based on a Dateline NBC update or Today Show special. We have close friends whose children have certain gluten and lactose sensitivities. Rather than just say they are allergic to stuff, I've had many conversations with my daughter about how all little tummies process differently and while you can drink milk all day, for your friends it makes them sickie. This is so my kid can be sensitive to others, or so I hope.

If that mom doesn't like sunscreen, good for her, but I just wish people were more gentle, considerate and careful with little ears and big fears. During the election my friend's son heard about Trump's immigration stance, and he didn't understand what immigrant was fully, so he thought that just mean someone from another place or that lives in a place you weren't born. He heard his friend's parents talking about sending immigrants back where they belong, and he came home in full panic convinced his family would be separated and he would be left in Florida alone because he was the only one actually born in Florida, his parents were born in like Maryland and Ohio and his brother was born in Ohio or some such. That is what he thought it all meant! My wonderful mom friend spent the night explaining the whole thing for her 8 year old after these friend's parents had some heated political debate in front of kiddos. TACT PEOPLE! Little ears!

That's about enough for today's diatribe but it was about time, no?

Random Teachable Moments In Motherhood

I only recall one teachable moment with my dad. It was when I was 19, had my first official boyfriend, but sadly wasn't the first official asshole I'd dated, and he basically told me that even though he was a bad guy, all of them wouldn't be that way and I must not forget there are still good people out there. That one stuck, and always will.

Other than that, and especially in my adolescence, I don't recall a single moment where my parents took a minute to level with me as a struggling, tiny human. There were no heart to hearts or calm talks of the ways of life. Perhaps I'm not the worst mom after all.

My daughter's school has a daily numbering system for behavior and general good job scoring. On the scale, 1 is bad news, 2 is only slightly better, 3 is par for the course and okay, and then 4 is the best! Yesterday my daughter got a 4, and she expected some serious rewards as her normal day to day is a 3.

With school a few weeks away from ending, we've been pretty lax on the rule front for no screens and evening routines. The kid and I are exhausted and she loves her TV and down time so, whatever, sometimes it's not worth the argument to force her to spend time with me. We still do our day to day catch up time and read books before bed, so I take to chores and let her veg. 

So for her reward, I let her re-watch the shows I have banned in the name of exploration of new stuff, and let her have free reign on the big TV until bed time. When it was definitely bed time, I started the whole "10 minute warning, 5 minute warning," mom thing, always with the disclaimer, "No arguments please!"

I always say "No arguments," with her because my daughter is the master of negotiation. She will either be a natural lawyer or hostage negotiator one day. Everything is a discussion. It's never simple. My biggest struggle is with the interruptions and trying not to stifle her. As women, we naturally get the shit end of the stick when it comes to be talked down to, talked over, or generally made to feel conversationally inferior, if not generally inferior, and as if we have no voice. This feeling is one I don't want to raise my daughter having experienced at home.

There is a patience breaking-point, or lack there-of, where enough is enough. Some things aren't a discussion. So last night when the TV time was done, it was time to get ready for bed and she came in to negotiate with, "But I wanted to watch more, I only watched one episode, I wanted to stay up late, I thought I got a reward for my 4!" All of this can be heard in the whiny 6 year old voice, of course.

When I stopped the discussion it was, "Mom you interrupted me! You're not letting me tell you what I need to say! That's unfair." Finally, crying and crumpling, she climbed onto my bed and said the real deal, the ultimate truth: "Mom, I just get really upset and think it's unfair when I don't get what I want!" I sat back for a second to take this all in. 

My first instinct was to laugh or quote the Princess Bride again: 

But then I thought, okay let's go ahead and be considerate about this. Let's make this a teachable moment. I said, "I'm sorry you're upset, and unfortunately not getting what you want is something that will happen a lot. I know it feels unfair, and some of it is. But, I'm the mom and you're the kid. I'm the grown up and you're not a grown up yet, so you need to follow the instructions and tasks, even if you're upset or you don't like them. And this behavior just proves to me that you can't get what you're asking for, because throwing a fit isn't how you get what you want."

I was impressed with myself because I didn't raise my voice. After she got her teeth brushed and went to the bathroom she came back and asked if we could make time to read books even though earlier she said she didn't want to. Of course I caved on this one because, books are always necessary. I looked at her puffy little face and said, "I'm sorry you're feelings were hurt but I'm really glad you shared your feelings with me and told me about your frustration. You can always tell me how you're feeling."

I do want her to tell me how she feels even if it's not a positive feeling. One time she said, "I hate you, Mom!" And, true to form, I yelled back, "Then that means I'm doing my job as your mom! Go to your room!" Sharing feelings is important and allowing her to feel all the feelings is even more important, in my mothering opinion.

When she told me she got upset when she didn't get what she wanted, I stared at her a second thinking, a more "Alison" comment could not have been made. Hello mini-me! And I'm the kind of person whom, if you tell me no, or that I can't, I'll do it just to spite you. If my husband said, "Yeah there's no way you could run a half marathon," even though I truly have no desire to run 13 miles, I would do it just to prove him wrong. And when people try to say, "No you can't have...", I just work harder to get it because I CAN! Maybe not the best approach, but again, I'm a work in progress.

I hope to instill the proper amount of ferocity within my daughter as well, which seems to be building in there. She sure is a trip, whom I love endlessly. And while I've struggled so much in motherhood, knowing that I can take a step back and be there like this for her, really keeps me hopeful that I won't completely mess her up. I try to resign to just mess her up the correct amount!