The Bridge Moment

The title of this post sounds more ominous than it is. I take a bridge every day to get to work. It is aptly named "The Bayside Bridge." It's not very long, but from it, when I look left I can see the skyline of Tampa, overlooking the wide expanse that is Tampa Bay.

This is how I spend 5 days a week, taking this bridge to and from work. On the good mornings, I stare at that skyline, ever so briefly with the sun just above it and think to myself, "That is so cool. So gorgeous. What a view!"

On rainy or rushed mornings I am unable to partake, but more often than not I take that as my moment of zen. It's a super simple thing really and I may only sneak one glance or do a double-take or two, but they make all the difference.

I think I've explained just how much I hate, and I mean loathe the cold, and how the heat just does not bother me. I am the exact opposite of princess Elsa:

I hear people complain often about the heat, the rain, and even the hurricanes but I just gently remind them, you get to live in Florida! I understand the summers here are rough but our winters are just perfect. I was just talking to my husband about how everyone in Oregon is posting their camping pictures and their lake and coast pictures and you know what I was thinking? Man I miss being in Oregon IN THE SUMMER.

I actually adore Florida year round because what we lack in decent summer temperatures we make up for in lightning and thunderstorms. They calm me. They are amazing wonders of nature! But, I digress.

The bridge moment had me thinking about how, just a few minutes of a grateful view can help move along your day to a positive way. This morning I almost ditched working out. I woke up tired. I am still even a little tired, but I pushed through and am enjoying that it is Thursday!

I can clearly identify this as an up-swing, most definitely as life doesn't always work out so well. There are and will be some mornings where I could care less about Tampa over there but knowing that I steal away a bridge moment from time to time is comforting.

To me, the bridge moment represents a hint of self care, and of gratefulness. How often do we not care for ourselves well and do we just act like everyone gets to take a nice bridge on their commute? Some people get no views except exit signs. 

I think it's important to be aware of your ability to have these kinds of moments and hold them close to you. Some people find an empty gym to be a bridge moment. My dad probably has bridge moments on hiking trails. Some people find that moment with a quiet cup of coffee or glass of wine. Some people find it in a meal or dessert, the list goes on. What we should think about is not taking it for granted.

Some people's bridge moments are few and far between. I have been that person more often than I'd like to share. There are times when even taking a moment to enjoy a skyline felt pointless and stupid. We all have those seasons of life. For now, even just in terms of just for today, and with the heat and humidity blow-drying my curls, I took my bridge moment seriously in reflection of being grateful that I live by the beach.

There is beauty everywhere. When we were in Pennsylvania I forgot the roaming hills, rivers and farmland was so awesome in summer. I saw NYC from the One World Trade center and thought how amazing that was. I've also been in awe of smaller marvels like the oak trees or a perfectly landscaped yard. Just look around and you can find SOMETHING, even if you feel like it's trivial or silly.

I think it's safe to admit that in life we have plenty to complain about. We face plenty of uncomfortable things regularly if not daily, but for this soapbox blog installment for a Thursday I just encourage you to find and have a bridge moment of your own. It's good for the soul and other things. Feel free to tell me what yours is! I'd love to share and have a follow up post! Happy Friday Eve!

Don't Let Your Photos Fool Yourself

I haven been slowly getting back into my blogging groove and today was feeling it a bit more, when something funny happened. I don't have the TimeHop thingy but in Facebook the only thing I enjoy anymore is the "on this day" memories thing. Mostly it's cute dog and kid pictures, but sometimes there are good motivational things on there. 

Today something popped up and it is blog-worthy. This photo came up from 2 years ago of my good old boot camp days:

I looked at it nostalgically and then looked at it again and was like, oh I must have been doing Savage Races then or working out a lot, I look really skinny! And then I looked at the date. In August of 2017, mentally, physically, spiritually and in all walks of life I was completely miserable and very unhealthy. I remember having some things to look forward to but my health was horrible.

I even looked back into my google photos and every other picture of me, I look heavier, frumpy even because I was indulging in unhealthy habits like drinking too much, too often, not eating enough or eating junk at every chance, only working out 3 days a week and mentally I was completely falling apart, desperate to hold it together.

Ironically this morning I woke up excited to hit the gym. I was excited it was Wednesday with only a couple more work days to power through. I was having a great week. So to prove how deceiving a good picture can be I did a work bathroom selfie below:

Here's what two things I will bring up that are important. Some people might say, it's the same except I'm not in workout clothes. Let me tell you what I see in picture two, and remember that we are our own worst critics so some of this will be me, not being nice to myself and some of it may come across as way too narcissistic, just go with it for now.

In that first picture I'm forcing a 6AM smile, probably sucking it in. In today's picture I'm being the poster girl for Old Navy and rocking an outfit I LOVE. I have felt very thick lately but have also completely re-vamped my workout routine and schedule and am working hard on what matters to me. I don't hate my body today. I love my body today.

In that first pic, I hated my body. How do I know this? Because I was treating every part of it like garbage two years ago. I remember being so upset two years ago but putting on my happy face daily. Every day was "if I can get to x,y,z I'll be okay. I'd had a ridiculous summer of selfishness and mental anguish and was trying to snap out of it. 

Today, I realize how much my body has done for me. I'm so thankful for not being on thyroid meds even though I've been struggling with some of the health stuff that comes along with keeping it natural over here. I'm thankful that I take the stairs every day and that I'm strong enough to feel sore when I push my limits. I'm thankful for every curve. I'd rather be thick and living my life happy, than be 30 pounds lighter afraid to eat a cupcake.

It's so easy to let any and all pictures fool yourself. I don't care if it's jealousy of others or of past versions of yourself. It's easy to forget what was really happening at those times when we just see the smiling snapshot. 

While I love that Facebook and google keep these memories for us, I'm always met with mixed feelings as to what they mean. I can usually recall what vague posts were about. I can usually remember what was going on around a picture or status update. Some of them are fantastic memories. Some of them are not so much. 

Don't let the photos fool you into thinking that what you have now is necessarily bad. Maybe you are going through a dark patch. Maybe things for you are just shitty but I urge you to try and snap a selfie, even if it's not a smiley pretty one. You'll revisit it later and think "oh yeah, I'm glad I let myself feel and be real in that moment," I think. 

I'm glad I have pictures of me looking great and looking not so awesome, why? Because that's ME. I'm glad I have pictures OF ME BEING ME, whether I was in a good place or not because it's all part of the journey. Today I'm glad I wanted to small and show off my budget fashions. Today I'm glad that this post came pouring out of me and I feel triumphant and free. 

You'll look over thousands of photos but don't be fooled by them, be inspired. There was some silly rom-com I loved, I think it was called "Just Married," and there is a line in there I always liked about how, you never see pictures of the bad times, just the good but the bad times are what gets you the stories and memories you need between the photos. Keep that idea close on this Wednesday and remember that everything is temporary. It's just one day at a time!

Letting Go Of What I "Should" Do

So, any mom, perhaps any woman, and definitely most anyone knows that guilt-ridden feeling of the "should." What "should" we be doing? On a rainy Sunday you might want to just not shower, stay in pajamas and watch movies all day, eating everything and anything but what "should" you be doing instead? Cleaning, getting things done for the week ahead, organizing, etc.

Little by little, slowly but surely I've begun letting go of all these antiquated ideas of what I "should" do and the results are pretty empowering. Freeing, if you will

After my last meltdown with expectations around church attendance and then having a vacation where everything was about the company we keep rather than where we all gathered, it allowed me to mentally realign. I've also recently forged a friendship with a friend of a friend type and we've begun a dual support system of understanding how much faith you can have in great things, good people, and kindness outside of a physical church setting that we no longer want to put that pressure on ourselves to "go to church" when it just makes us miserable.

I always feel like I "should" check in with people, but guess what? The phone works both ways. I always feel like I "should" go to church on Sunday, but I also have a spiritual experience with a good sleep in session, fresh cup of coffee, and the smell of cooking bacon. I had felt like I "should" work out but wasn't fully in so I did a rest, reboot and realign until I felt better.

Essentially what I "should" be doing is actually listening to myself and my family. I had this great realization earlier this week that I don't need to fit in or do what everyone else is doing because we are a far cry away from high school and I think I might officially be an adult. My family has a wedding to attend in a couple months in the Savannah area and all of the accommodations in that area were out of our price range. I found a place some 30 miles away in Hilton Head Island, SC, a place I visited in my youth, for almost $50 a night less than anything close to Savannah.

So the wedding is in Savannah and most guests will be there but that doesn't mean we have to stay in Savannah. I started researching routes and which highways to take and making sure we had addresses and such and realized that because the condo is on an actual island, Hilton Head Island, it takes an hour to get there from Savannah. My first response was panic and anxious like, "Oh my gosh drive an hour after the wedding? Great I'm such an idiot."

I researched other places closer, none of which had the beach or an indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. I reached out to my husband and he said, "Well I've never been anywhere near any of those places. Sure we can enjoy Savannah but we don't have to stay there. We're not IN the wedding so we don't need to be around all of that. It's our time off. We "should" do what we want to do."

There it was again. The "should." We "should" do what we want to do. And we will. Somehow I needed someone else to say that to me, for me.

There are some necessary "shoulds" like you "should" shower daily and be polite. Some are seeming less and less obligatory and more and more obnoxious. Maybe it is coming of age that just has me feeling less and less equipped to deal with the expectations of others as they are being pushed onto me.

I even got kudos in my personal therapy session for being more flexible and keeping up my boundaries. We spoke a lot about the "shoulds," and when I told her I gave myself a break she was extremely impressed. To be honest, I'm even impressed with myself.

I'm very much enjoying where I am and trying not to muddy the water. It will happen at some point I'm sure but for this late Tuesday afternoon, I'm just reveling in where I am, how far I've come, and that I'm happy to keep going.

4th Of July Fun With Fantastic Friends

Per my whole continued healing stuff and all of the adulting and working, yesterday we did not have a post. I engaged in the whole "Do things that make you look at your phone less," phenomenon. It was quite a success.

This isn't some bragging post about how we had the best day ever. This is a post about how yesterday was an odd array of what we all needed and realizing that is amazingly eye opening and awesome. 

Wednesday night I was fortunate enough to have a Mom's night out. We were home by 10PM-ish I think, but we had such a good night chatting and being away from kiddos. We have some local friends we have been spending a great deal of time with that we have an obscene amount in common with and it's just been such a calm, wonderful experience to find some people we can be ourselves with.  

As I've come into age and paid closer attention to the many different walks of life, I've noticed that it is few and far between to find social situations that are simple and easy. When I find them, I tend to completely lean into them because they deserve full attention and appreciation in my humble opinion.

Yesterday my husband was finally able to hang with friends of ours for more than an hour and we both went home, put the kid to bed, we were wonderfully exhausted and agreed they are the best people for us to be around currently, and just felt blessed.

We have had amazing holidays this past year filled with fun, but I think the company with this one, and being close to home and knowing we were in a welcome, non-judgmental, completely comfy space, made everything about the day wonderful.

I'm continuing to watch and appreciate how far my family has come. Don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect and we will continue to work and grow, but considering where we started just about a year ago, we have come leaps and bounds.

Yesterday we were all up at a reasonable time and had a slow, lazy morning. I was then able to take a seriously long bike ride and then a shower and nap during thunderstorms. The hubby kicked butt around the house and the kid was just being a kid. We then went to the pool and potluck at our friend's house and then hit downtown for fireworks. It was quite an adventure and I got to spend some time with 3 of my favorite girls, just us. 

I am completely exhausted today, but in the absolute best way I can think of with mostly low key plans this weekend. I'm pushing through the sleepiness with a grateful heart, great coffee and looming workouts. If I don't get around to a weekend post I hope everyone had a safe 4th and enjoys the holiday weekend!

I Inadvertently Messed Up My New Routine, With Negative Results

I have been avidly podcasting for almost a month, with good results. It's easy for me to listen at work, especially as something I can pick up and put down at will. However, I got derailed from the norm and missed a few days of listening, and now feel like Andy in Parks and Rec, as shown above.

Ironically I have been re-watching Parks and Rec. I'll just blame that for now.

Yesterday I was just so tired. I didn't sleep well Monday night and I'm embracing this detoured path, pouring support into my husband's new job position and attempting to keep up my house, all while trying not be the worst mom ever.

Monday night I felt so accomplished. I got the kiddo and myself fed for dinner, walked the dog, ran the dishwasher and vacuum, and even steam cleaned the living room, dining room and kitchen! All on a Monday night! Go me!

Last night I was fighting a migraine and it won. I put on a 90 minute movie for myself, inhaled a huge salad, let my daughter watch Barbie on Hulu and was in bed with my child at 8:30PM. We read a super short book and I accomplished nothing but an early bed time. Not my finest Tuesday.

I realized this morning that, yes I needed the rest, but tonight I have a bunch more stuff to do and dinner by Netflix isn't conducive, so I need to pull it together.

I haven't been reading as much as I need to. I need to snap that back into gear tonight too, as the results of that little nightly routine were so very helpful to my day to day. The negative results I see and feel from any form of laziness, just aren't worth it. 

So I'm getting over this hump day by planning to conquer it on all levels. My workout game hasn't been deterred much but I need to bring it all on the home front to combat just how crazy my husband's schedule will be for the next few weeks.

I'm grateful for a lot right now. I'm pushing myself to stay positive. The strides I have made, I've given myself a pat on the back for, and I'm not letting things get in my way. I'm still Pinterest-ing like a boss in my free time as well, which I find helpful when I need some good quotes and perspectives. 

I've realized that I spent so many years doing everything that now that I've delegated some things, and have to return to me doing everything, if only for a short period of time but still, it's overwhelming. Ironically there are some people I wish I could share the mania with, but I know wouldn't be a helpful supportive ear, but instead would let me go back to lame coping mechanisms instead of willing me to conquer. It's only now that I can admit that and am awake to it.

I find myself wishing happiness for others a lot more, especially those people who've fallen off my grid. I find myself thinking of others' struggles rather than my own as I'm getting used to more peace and less chaos.

My husband said something about the general attitude of things being more positive when you take away a negative ruling force, which we both have had quick changes on. You get used to staying in murky waters when it's all you feel you have to navigate within. It's funny how when you have your way cleared, you can see more, shine brighter and dare I say, even thrive. 

It's like the Mario cloud. I recently used this analogy with one of my best friends:

                   

We all remember that little dude, who throws things at you when you're just trying to level up? My goodness the metaphors! I might go on a tangent. You been warned!

How well could you do with that little cloud following you and thwarting you, right? You had to outrun and outsmart it, while getting as many points as you could in between. Then you had figure out how to get on top of him and squash him! He was not welcome! 

When you have a person, a place, or things that loom over you like the little Mario cloud dude, how well can you do? How much can you progress? This speaks on levels, pun intended.

Sometimes you don't even realize it either. The clouds just appear and you're not too upset about the gray, maybe you think it's not that bad or you can still stay positive. You gotta be fully in the sunshine before you realize the gray isn't what's good for ya!

We're coming up on 10 years of life in Florida and when I get a hard time from the family about moving away from the great state of Oregon I reiterate that I just wasn't made for that much gray and rain. I also have come to deeply loathe the cold. I was made for the sunshine state. Don't get me wrong, as a ginger I burn quickly in that gorgeous sunlight, but I thrive here!

I didn't realize how depressed I was and how seasonally and regularly in Oregon, until I lived here in the sunshine and was like "Wow, I'd really have to commit to being completely sad because even the storms pass in 20 minutes." It's too bright to be sad, in my opinion. In Eugene, it is gray like 9 months out of the year I swear. And that is some cold, cold rain. I love to visit Oregon in the summer, more than anything, but I'm good in Florida the rest of the time.

These realizations have been hitting me a lot lately. Wait, is that what the cool kids refer to as "Woke?" Damn, ANOTHER realization! What a wisdomous Wednesday. 

Anyway, I'm crazy grateful for being woke right now haha! That feels so weird and wrong to type. I don't think I can actually pull that off.

I'm just happy that I saw the negative throwing me off, and now am taking things back. It's not easy. It will take day to day determination, but here I come. I'm channeling some season 3 of The Office Pam vibes! Watch out world!