Home Projects And Making The Best Of What You Have

I would never call anything in my house besides maybe a paint color, "decor" or how I would choose to "decorate." I work with what I have. Carefully and repeatedly. I am the queen of reuse and re-purpose, time and again.

I wouldn't say we do a great deal of "home projects," per say, but I would say that I clean and rearrange things often. I always feel like a small little lift or change can bring new life to an old set-up. In a perfect world I would have disposable income to go to Ikea or Rooms To Go and buy whatever my heart desires. This is not my reality.

This past month has been a lot of humbling realizations. When shopping for a wedding I stopped stressing about what I didn't have and decided to work with what I did. This weekend was another lesson in that.

My husband had repaired and changed out our bathroom fan last year and since then we've had a bit of a moisture issue in our attached closet. I got the little dehumidifier, I use DampRid often, it gave me a great excuse for a purge and I use Febreeze a lot as well. Eventually we need a better fan but this year, every time I think we can go drop the $150 on it, something else comes up. 

There began to be a mold problem...on the shoes. To be clear, I don't have nice things. Most of what I own can be easily washed so, there's that, but there are a couple pairs of boots and nice shoes that I couldn't just watch become yucky.

I have a cube shelf I built from Target like 3 or 4 years ago that has been used for everything. We've had it in the kitchen, the closet, the living room and so on and it has lasted most in my closet for my clothes and shoes. The other day when I was cleaning it came to me, the decorative vision. Whoa.

If I moved the shelf into the entryway and added another rack to hang things it could be a make-shift mud room entrance thing and keep ALL the shoes in the front. No shoes in rooms, just in the shoe station. With extra hangers we would have space for gym bags, hats purses, oh my. I wonder if the husband would go for it.

I gave my husband the play by play. I would use a toy bin in the closet, toys would go in baskets on shelf, shoes would all live in the shoe bins in the front of the house. He went for it. We moved around some other things too, including a chore board for the kiddo. It didn't even take that long, nor was it much of a pain. I was happy enough with the result to share immediately on Instagram.

The whole success of the day got me thinking about how much we lack using the resources we have, and how we are so quick to buy or obtain some kind of other solution than using what's in front of us. How many times do we get upset and overwhelmed, or should I ask, how many times do I get upset and overwhelmed over not being able to "afford" things, when I have the tools and resources around me?

This can go a long way. You can get something used. You could ask a friend or Facebook or Instagram grouping if they have something to be rid of you need or know of anyone purging things you may need. Use what is in front of you! Make the best of what you have! Also, if it ain't broke don't fix it!

We get caught up a lot in commercials and social ideas of how things should look so we start to get down on our own set ups. Do you know what a coat of paint can do? It can completely transform a space or piece of furniture, and quickly. 

I've gone through phases of loving home projects and hating them all the same, but I think, much as with everything, everything has a season. With Florida Fall in full swing I saw this seasonal change in more ways than one. Friday night my daughter asked to be taken to Third Friday, which is a monthly event in our town with food, vendors and music. We hadn't been, maybe in a year.

Why? My daughter would complain about walking the strip. She would want treats and would need to stop to pet every dog. She wouldn't listen and it would always end up in meltdown. This year I fed her dinner and said, "One treat." She didn't complain about walking and she made very good compromises and listened well. She did pet all the dogs and hugged all her school friends. She had a blast and I felt happy that she did so well. This is her season of showing me she's grown and being able to do more.

Maybe I'm in a season where I can see the beginnings and ends of fair, doable projects. Maybe I'm in the season where they don't bum me out or overwhelm me because I have people in my way or someone telling me I can't. Maybe this is becoming my time to do more. 

I work hard to make sure that I make the very best of what I have. I remind my husband often that we are lucky to have what we do and we should stay grateful. My daughter has been talking about missing our old rental house and I just try and respond kindly reminding her that we made great memories there but we now have our own space to do anything we want with and needed a bigger better home. She's getting there I think.

Life is difficult. Life is stressful and exhausting. We put a lot of "extra" on ourselves. Perhaps this can be a season of less being more. I for one am exploring this idea to the fullest and can't wait to see where it takes us!

The Bridge Moment

The title of this post sounds more ominous than it is. I take a bridge every day to get to work. It is aptly named "The Bayside Bridge." It's not very long, but from it, when I look left I can see the skyline of Tampa, overlooking the wide expanse that is Tampa Bay.

This is how I spend 5 days a week, taking this bridge to and from work. On the good mornings, I stare at that skyline, ever so briefly with the sun just above it and think to myself, "That is so cool. So gorgeous. What a view!"

On rainy or rushed mornings I am unable to partake, but more often than not I take that as my moment of zen. It's a super simple thing really and I may only sneak one glance or do a double-take or two, but they make all the difference.

I think I've explained just how much I hate, and I mean loathe the cold, and how the heat just does not bother me. I am the exact opposite of princess Elsa:

I hear people complain often about the heat, the rain, and even the hurricanes but I just gently remind them, you get to live in Florida! I understand the summers here are rough but our winters are just perfect. I was just talking to my husband about how everyone in Oregon is posting their camping pictures and their lake and coast pictures and you know what I was thinking? Man I miss being in Oregon IN THE SUMMER.

I actually adore Florida year round because what we lack in decent summer temperatures we make up for in lightning and thunderstorms. They calm me. They are amazing wonders of nature! But, I digress.

The bridge moment had me thinking about how, just a few minutes of a grateful view can help move along your day to a positive way. This morning I almost ditched working out. I woke up tired. I am still even a little tired, but I pushed through and am enjoying that it is Thursday!

I can clearly identify this as an up-swing, most definitely as life doesn't always work out so well. There are and will be some mornings where I could care less about Tampa over there but knowing that I steal away a bridge moment from time to time is comforting.

To me, the bridge moment represents a hint of self care, and of gratefulness. How often do we not care for ourselves well and do we just act like everyone gets to take a nice bridge on their commute? Some people get no views except exit signs. 

I think it's important to be aware of your ability to have these kinds of moments and hold them close to you. Some people find an empty gym to be a bridge moment. My dad probably has bridge moments on hiking trails. Some people find that moment with a quiet cup of coffee or glass of wine. Some people find it in a meal or dessert, the list goes on. What we should think about is not taking it for granted.

Some people's bridge moments are few and far between. I have been that person more often than I'd like to share. There are times when even taking a moment to enjoy a skyline felt pointless and stupid. We all have those seasons of life. For now, even just in terms of just for today, and with the heat and humidity blow-drying my curls, I took my bridge moment seriously in reflection of being grateful that I live by the beach.

There is beauty everywhere. When we were in Pennsylvania I forgot the roaming hills, rivers and farmland was so awesome in summer. I saw NYC from the One World Trade center and thought how amazing that was. I've also been in awe of smaller marvels like the oak trees or a perfectly landscaped yard. Just look around and you can find SOMETHING, even if you feel like it's trivial or silly.

I think it's safe to admit that in life we have plenty to complain about. We face plenty of uncomfortable things regularly if not daily, but for this soapbox blog installment for a Thursday I just encourage you to find and have a bridge moment of your own. It's good for the soul and other things. Feel free to tell me what yours is! I'd love to share and have a follow up post! Happy Friday Eve!

Don't Let Your Photos Fool Yourself

I haven been slowly getting back into my blogging groove and today was feeling it a bit more, when something funny happened. I don't have the TimeHop thingy but in Facebook the only thing I enjoy anymore is the "on this day" memories thing. Mostly it's cute dog and kid pictures, but sometimes there are good motivational things on there. 

Today something popped up and it is blog-worthy. This photo came up from 2 years ago of my good old boot camp days:

I looked at it nostalgically and then looked at it again and was like, oh I must have been doing Savage Races then or working out a lot, I look really skinny! And then I looked at the date. In August of 2017, mentally, physically, spiritually and in all walks of life I was completely miserable and very unhealthy. I remember having some things to look forward to but my health was horrible.

I even looked back into my google photos and every other picture of me, I look heavier, frumpy even because I was indulging in unhealthy habits like drinking too much, too often, not eating enough or eating junk at every chance, only working out 3 days a week and mentally I was completely falling apart, desperate to hold it together.

Ironically this morning I woke up excited to hit the gym. I was excited it was Wednesday with only a couple more work days to power through. I was having a great week. So to prove how deceiving a good picture can be I did a work bathroom selfie below:

Here's what two things I will bring up that are important. Some people might say, it's the same except I'm not in workout clothes. Let me tell you what I see in picture two, and remember that we are our own worst critics so some of this will be me, not being nice to myself and some of it may come across as way too narcissistic, just go with it for now.

In that first picture I'm forcing a 6AM smile, probably sucking it in. In today's picture I'm being the poster girl for Old Navy and rocking an outfit I LOVE. I have felt very thick lately but have also completely re-vamped my workout routine and schedule and am working hard on what matters to me. I don't hate my body today. I love my body today.

In that first pic, I hated my body. How do I know this? Because I was treating every part of it like garbage two years ago. I remember being so upset two years ago but putting on my happy face daily. Every day was "if I can get to x,y,z I'll be okay. I'd had a ridiculous summer of selfishness and mental anguish and was trying to snap out of it. 

Today, I realize how much my body has done for me. I'm so thankful for not being on thyroid meds even though I've been struggling with some of the health stuff that comes along with keeping it natural over here. I'm thankful that I take the stairs every day and that I'm strong enough to feel sore when I push my limits. I'm thankful for every curve. I'd rather be thick and living my life happy, than be 30 pounds lighter afraid to eat a cupcake.

It's so easy to let any and all pictures fool yourself. I don't care if it's jealousy of others or of past versions of yourself. It's easy to forget what was really happening at those times when we just see the smiling snapshot. 

While I love that Facebook and google keep these memories for us, I'm always met with mixed feelings as to what they mean. I can usually recall what vague posts were about. I can usually remember what was going on around a picture or status update. Some of them are fantastic memories. Some of them are not so much. 

Don't let the photos fool you into thinking that what you have now is necessarily bad. Maybe you are going through a dark patch. Maybe things for you are just shitty but I urge you to try and snap a selfie, even if it's not a smiley pretty one. You'll revisit it later and think "oh yeah, I'm glad I let myself feel and be real in that moment," I think. 

I'm glad I have pictures of me looking great and looking not so awesome, why? Because that's ME. I'm glad I have pictures OF ME BEING ME, whether I was in a good place or not because it's all part of the journey. Today I'm glad I wanted to small and show off my budget fashions. Today I'm glad that this post came pouring out of me and I feel triumphant and free. 

You'll look over thousands of photos but don't be fooled by them, be inspired. There was some silly rom-com I loved, I think it was called "Just Married," and there is a line in there I always liked about how, you never see pictures of the bad times, just the good but the bad times are what gets you the stories and memories you need between the photos. Keep that idea close on this Wednesday and remember that everything is temporary. It's just one day at a time!

The Betterment

July has been brutal. I don't mean hot, although sure it's be hot. I don't mean brutal like "bad." We have just been busy non-stop and it flew by so fast. Wasn't yesterday just the 4th? How is summer almost over?

I was texting with a friend last night, needing to catch up because so many little things have fallen through the cracks, especially with vacation prep, and we were doing our normal "how are things going," routine and she specifically asked about the hubby.

Yesterday he had mowed the yard, and mowed the neighbor's too because they have been kind to us that way, and helped an elderly neighbor with their trash bin, all while hosting the neighbor girl for a play date, making me some dinner and getting other chores done too. Last weekend when I had the kids with us, he brought me coffee often, he helped where and when he could, and he was nice even if I wasn't so receptive in that exact moment.

I relayed some of that to her and she says, "It seems like things have been going better this year." I stopped and read it and reread it a bit. Better. Things were better. Betterment. We had entered into some betterment.

A year ago this time we went back to Oregon for the first time together in years. There was a lot of anxiety about the trip and I was mentally struggling, but I was also adamant to make the most out of our first ever dual paid vacation off. When we returned I felt like maybe we could really make things better. That's when a little speed bump in the road of life seemingly left us a flat tire and no cell service. We weren't better, just yet.

After one last bad, bad situation, one last storm of epic proportion, finally a rainbow had appeared. It's been a work in progress. It has been one step, one day at a time. It has been anything but easy and I still move forward, cautiously optimistic. I will say that I feel we are on the right track after it all. We are getting better, bit by bit.

I became really good at struggling. I found my coping mechanisms, my deflections, and my ways to survive, but I didn't like being in that place. I became very much able to handle the storm. I learned to stuff everything down and swallow it so it wouldn't affect anyone but me. This was not a solution, it was just pure survival mode.

When you start learning about trauma, what trauma actually is, and paint-by-numbering your own experiences with it, things can get murky, and then somehow clear. This process is enlightening and frustrating all at once, in my personal experience at least.

I had to throw out my self-sabotage and survival modes and learn about self love and self care. I'm still working on that, even today. I had to find ways to trust again without destroying my intuition and past experiences, invalidating them. I had to learn to accept my flaws and embrace them, also a day to day process.

I had to learn to communicate and speak up, which can still feel uncomfortable at times. Last weekend with extra kiddos my husband and I had a momentary altercation. My exhaustion and maternal instinct kicked in hardcore and while he said he would take care of things, I undermined him and over-spoke because I was so maxed out, I couldn't properly communicate with him and listen or let him in.

I caught myself and apologized. I admitted what I did was crappy and unfair and we didn't have it drag on through the day as this cloud of being annoyed with each other. It passed immediately and was freeing. This was an affirmation of the betterment.

It's the smallest signs of the betterment that I need and love the most. It's the surprise cups of coffee, those favorite dinners ready when I get home. It's the garage being reorganized or a trip to the store done so I don't have to. When you are so used to carrying everything yourself and then your partner helps, it's a new kind of luxury and renewed kind of comfort.

Sometimes I don't want to admit that things were so bad so as to warrant this betterment but lately I have been more conscious of enjoying the journey and being extremely grateful for where we are on the path. Sometimes those sentiments are not simple or easy but more often than not, they are there, I just have to pay attention.

This is the first time in a long time I'm going on a trip and I have good things to report. I can say with confidence that things are generally "okay" and not have some subconscious voice call me out for faking it until I make it. I can be at ease, which honestly makes me feel slightly uneasy just typing that.

Life is difficult. It is stressful. It is so frustrating at times. But we do only actually live once so we gotta make the best of it. Marriage is hard, and anyone who says differently might actually be insane. Parenthood is difficult, rewarding, and maddening simultaneously. When you feel engulfed in the depressive and anxious ways that can take over when life gives you lemons, you're prone to just let them rot rather than making that lemonade stuff as the saying goes. Although I think making that lemonade and adding a little sugar, or extra sugar if necessary, that is the start of the betterment.

With all the cliches and metaphors I hope you find yourself nearing betterment. Or if you're in a rough spot, remember that the betterment can happen. That may be easy to forget! For now, I plan to enjoy my betterment, perhaps with a cold glass of lemonade!

It's Easy To Forget

I don't know about other moms, but I often forget what it was like to be a kid. I think I know, but then I quickly realize how easy it is to forget.

One battle I have with my daughter pretty consistently these days is gratefulness. I want her to know that her life has been worked very hard for to be comfortable in. She'll get upset that I don't volunteer in class much, that I don't chaperone on field trips and I remind her that I work full time to make sure she has new shoes, a new backpack and horseback riding lessons, not to mention food and water and a house a stuff. She'll complain about only having a tablet not an iPad or wanting more toys and I always shut it down with reminders that we work to give her what she has and she should be grateful.

It's not that I don't want to do that stuff for her and with her, it's that it's not so easy to pull off. And for me, that stuff being complicated and annoying - like paying $50 for a background check and fingerprinting to be allowed in the classroom - is easy to forget or to push aside. However, for her it's not so much and easy to forget thing, which is totally okay.

We have an upcoming vacation, which I've budgeted my ass off for, and of course am still stressing about, but I am so excited to just get away a bit. We haven't been away for a year. I'm ready! And while my daughter is excited to visit she keeps randomly saying to me, "But I don't WANT to go. I'll miss my friends at summer camp!" At first this irked me to no end and then I remembered that a disruption in routine and the every day can be hard and weird to embrace all the time. It was easy to forget that I was like that as a kid too.

I was that kid that got homesick, like stomach cramps and anxiety all over when I went away, especially without my parents. She can do okay with certain people, so I know once we're there she'll be fine, but I can tell that now that she's really aware of stuff and plans, she is feeling a lot more about this trip. 

It's all so easy to forget! When my friend's three year old was with me this past weekend, I totally forgot the "Why?," phase. EVERYTHING WAS WHY!? I thought I had answered the question, but still why? I thought she could be pacified, but she still asked why until I was almost blue in the face. 

Maybe the "mommy brain" thing is just so real that it bites us in the ass. Maybe we can only clearly compute the phase we are currently in with our children as opposed to being hypersensitive to our own memories to project them onto their little being. Regardless, all of this planning made me wonder why it's all so easy to forget?

There are times when I watch my daughter and I'm like, "Oh man that is an Alison trait," and other times I just have to step back and remind myself she's only 6 or that she's still such a kid. She gives me a hard time about how she's not a baby anymore and I reminder, she will ALWAYS be my baby.

It's also easy to forget how far they've come and that you can't force them into your ideas of "how it will all work." I learned that lesson the hard way over the past two years when it comes to travelling. Once we were stuck with a late flight and someone said, "She'll be fine she'll sleep on the plane." She did, then woke up violently in pain screaming about her ears and I tried to hold her and the flight attendant yelled at me for having her out of her seat. Good times.

Last year I thought on a late flight she would sleep and again, she had a hard time. She did much better flying ALL DAY and watching movies and shows on her tablet, playing games. No more long night flights where she can't just stay up. This time she is staying up until we get to the hotel and she can sleep as long as she wishes. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the whole "easy to forget" thing can go a long way in negativity. It's easy to forget how annoying travelling can be until you have that long awaited vacation. It's easy to forget how much having fun costs until you come back from your trip in some wonderful debt. It's easy to forget how much stuff you have to take with you to get through any vacation, but be grateful if you have washer and dryer access. It's easy to forget how much you LOVE YOUR HOME, until you step away for a bit. It's all about how you use it!

I thought when I wrote today I would just write about, "Hey we're going on a trip," but then all of this just started pushing through my thought processes and into a document. I kind of feel like I'm onto something in terms of holding onto the, "Easy to Forget" stuff. 

I've recently been going through a lot when it comes to friendships. It's been kind of weird because I feel like I have less support from the people that were there when things were shitty, and more support from the people who just were there with no conditions through everything lately. It's like some wanted to be a part of my drama and feed it, and some people just want to be a part of my life period. I also realized that it's so easy to forget how badly you've been treated or hurt by someone once you've moved on and evolved. We shouldn't hold grudges or hatred so letting that stuff go is so important, but it's easy to forget the bad when you're wading through the good, until that bad rears it's ugly head for a quick reminder -- you all know what I mean.

It's easy to forget all kinds of stuff anymore, which is why we have phone reminders, social media alerts and then of course text messages from other people confirming and reminding and checking in. What we have to remember is that we are ALL forgetful sometimes, so we should walk through this crazy life together kindly, if you can remember to be nice that is.

Reflection Week 2019

If I had to make a summation of this week at a glance, it would be "good." My default response to all the "How are you?," questions these days is, "No complaints." I say this because I'm coming off of spending years as a complainer. The whole idea that I have broken through a bunch of things, has kicked me into high gear reflection lately and this weak has been especially reflective. Therefore it has so been dubbed Reflection Week 2019.

I got honest with a friend via text about my inner dialogue. I talk myself INTO and OUT OF a lot, regularly and daily. It can be simple like "Oh I should get new shoes for that wedding, nah I can just wear those black heels, why waste money" to, "I really need to make time to be a better mom because I get so tired and I don't think I spend enough quality time with my daughter." It can feel frenzied and it can feel maddening but it is part of my anxiety and I manage it as I can.

My husband had a bad day the other day. It was your normal, run of the mill, nothing going quite right day. When he reached out to me just needing to vent, I said, "Hey we all have these days and you learn to manage them better as you get more comfy in your mind and your anxieties, why do you think I work out so much?" He made a silly comment but I told him that working out helps me manage my anxiety and mood so I can feel less physical reactions to my mental upsets and I can better rationalize my inner dialogue. Somehow working out slows down my mind.

My husband did not take this as some "Get fit, get a grip on anxiety," motivational speech I think it just helped him understand more. We are working on that a lot, more understanding. It can be weird to explain to people honestly, but he gets me...mostly.

Other reflections include friendships, relationships, life, family and all the things really. I don't mean this to sound as though I'm sitting quietly meditating about growth, perspective and such, I'm just saying that I've been paying better attention to how far things have come in general.

Sometimes it is hard for me to embrace the good. I feel as though I can handle the chaos, crises and struggle the best, but often the calm and easygoing cause me to become more unhinged. Call it a product of past trauma but admitting that about myself has to be at least something.

Reflecting on the friendship stuff this week has been an emotional roller-coaster. I have had moments of wanting to "cave" and initiate the check in with someone and then just reminding myself that I already tried once or twice and must leave the ball in their court for response or reciprocation and just keep sending them the good vibes of wellness and prosperity.

Creating boundaries is anything but simple. Some boundaries are clear and others feel foggy so finding my way around all of that can be overwhelming but I do what I can. I was invited to something I could not afford this week. It was with wonderful people but it was at a place I'm not so crazy about and I knew between a babysitter and what I would spend being out, it was just not affordable, so I said I couldn't do it. Rather than talk about being broke or not wanting to go to that restaurant, I just said I didn't have a sitter and left it at that. It just wasn't good timing and I'm being fiscally cautious with vacation coming up.

What was interesting for me is that I didn't feel badly about saying no. Usually I feel guilty and like I'm being a drama queen but this time I just embraced it. I'd rather be home unwinding from the week then out dropping $50+ on sub-par food and entertainment, no matter how much I enjoy the company. I've become picky lately about where I'm putting my time, money and energy and it feels more and more okay the more I stand my ground.

In reflection this week I realize I'm less angry. My resentments are being handled more delicately. I'm starting to open up a bit more. I'm guarded in a more positive way, rather than negative way and I'm managing my shame, embarrassment and upset about things in a more constructive way. I'm navigating my traumas at my own pace and I like that.

I had a recent realization about triggers, which is that now that I'm fully enmeshed in the healing process, the triggers between my husband and I and even my child, are going to be coming up and we need to try and negotiate them as a family or at least voice, "Hey that's a weird trigger," so we can handle them better. 

In affirming to close friends where I am on this journey, and revealing slowly more and more about how dark, frustrating and uncomfortable it has all been, it has generally been received well that I'm honest about where I am in the process. Just a handful of years ago I was a mess and barely functioning. I may still have a bad day like that, but now I can better articulate what's actually going on. 

Watching my husband grow and heal, face some demons and just find his footing has been intense. What began as "proceed with caution," is more and more becoming just being impressed with the steps and strides he is taking and has taken. When you live in a place of "Oh that could never happen," or "I just have to accept x,y,z" and you watch those negative constructs being crushed in healing empowerment, you can't help but smile and have a weird sense of being proud of the time and effort put into the growth.

Ironically during my mental, emotional and spiritual reflection, my body has been having a hard time pushing through physical hurdles. You win some, you lose some. How I choose to handle these frustrations say more about where I am than anything else, I feel.

I'm well aware life has it's ups and downs and bad things still happen but considering our last handful of years, I'd like to think of those as "the dark times," and continue on into some sunshine. Moreover in Reflection Week 2019, I like knowing that we've started moving in the right direction, and that we are working as a family unit. On my bad days I worry that this will all drop from under me, or that I'll find a way to screw it up but on my good days I am grateful for the lessons, the journey, the struggles and the little wins that remind me that we're doing better than we think we are. 

I'm not a "Yay I'm finally happy," kind of person. I had a conversation with a friend that has had some similar stress and trauma to mine and I reminded her that there will always be phases of struggle but half the battle is how you approach it. I said, sometimes you need to be angry and upset and sad to get through it and she could just know that yeah, maybe I have no idea of what and how she is feeling but at least I could remind her that she wasn't alone. We both kind of agreed that the world needs more of that.

There were so many times over the past few years I wish instead of being given advice or being told what I should be doing, that someone would have just sat next to me and said, "That sucks but I'm here for you." We feel alone too much anymore, and that is the worst feeling when you're surrounded by people. I think that's why I stopped being a complainer. Not only did it bring the wrong type of energy into my space, but it serves no purpose. Why complain about something when you can work on it? That was my "Ah-ha," moment.

I have a friend that I never actually see. We get together maybe once a year as she lives a good 90 minutes away. We went through a rough phase where both of us were just in bad spots in our lives and we text each other daily just how much everything sucked. We felt empowered by both of us suffering together; it was that whole "misery loves company" mentality. It kept me in a downward spiral for a very, very long time. It was not helpful, in fact it inadvertently just made my depression and anxiety worse. It wasn't until earlier this year when I stepped outside of myself and watch the effects of these interactions, saw what it did to me, and what it turned me into that I was like "Whoa, never again, no thank you."

We don't talk and text that way any more. She seems happier and so do I, it has been noted. It's not because we were bad for each other, we were just using our kinship for the negative instead of bringing each other into a more positive place. We had to grow separately for a bit. We had to heal apart and find our tribes.

So to end Reflection Week 2019 on a decent note, I would say I'm completely a work in progress. Some days I'm a mess. Some days I'm so with it. Everything is in flux, but I feel better equipped to taking it all on. If you are in a dark space, I encourage you to reach out to anyone you can trust. It will be uncomfortable, but feeling alone already can so I ask that you give it a try. Feel free to reach out to me too as I'm more than happy to share more on a personal, less blog-worthy basis.

Planning Plans As A Planner

The nicest way I can put it, I am a planner. Maybe to a fault, and sometimes it can end up with an over-booking flake out situation because I plan too much. Out loud I would never admit I could ever "plan too much," but the blog is okay.

I have the hardest time "relaxing," and few people would even call me "go with the flow," but I can plan with the best of them. I'll book dinners a month in advance, book flights and VRBOs 6 months in advance, budgeting, Googling what to do and some such. Daily, I mentally plan how my day might evolve, especially after work such as "Walk dog, fix dinner, fold laundry, kid in tub," etc. 

My dad and I poke fun at each other because we both feel we are at our best when we are in our controlled spaces, cleaning, arranging and following our own productivity routines. Sitting around and doing nothing became extinct when I had a baby. I'm not alone on that one, I feel like moms always have extra to do. 

Planning is a weird controlled sense of calm for me. It's as if when everything is arranged then I can trick myself into relaxing. Life sneaks up on you to where we are busy and consistently adding more onto our routines so we get into this grind of "Well once we get past this," or "after this month," and we keep this false promise of "things will be less crazy." It's just life, we take things as they come.

With the husband's overbearing work schedule I've had to loosen up on the planning stuff a bit. I'm very careful not to plan more than a week in advance unless it has nothing to do with him, just because things are so unpredictable. His schedule can change on a dime. 

It's been quite a practice, especially mentally. We have an upcoming trip so I am in planning mode hardcore. I have had to book my dad's flights, get with others to confirm flights for hubby, kiddo and I as they are Christmas gifts from my uncle with too many frequent flyer miles, had to ask to crash at multiple houses, borrow an air mattress, pre-pay the rental car and book multiple hotels. It's an adventure and we don't leave for 3 weeks.

I do well when I plan. I feel accomplished. I thrive. Leaving things "in the air," is much more difficult for me but I'm making progress. I think for me the flexibility kicks into high gear when it comes to my self-reminders that I can't make anyone fit into my wants, needs or expectations, but just hope that we can come to a truce. I can't force a text back. I can't will someone else to "plan better." I can't make people communicate as I see fit. I just have to do what I can with what is in front of me and hope for the best.

I definitely prepare for the worst. Mentally I exhaust myself considering the possible scenarios and making peace with them. I think this was born out of a bad trip last year where so much went wrong and I watched my husband just lose his mind and I hit this mental epiphany of, "Why are you so angry about stuff you have zero control over." We can't make the rental car people change their policy, but we can have a booking agent help us amend the reservation to meet their needs. We can't make the traffic move, but we can let people know we're running late and to order without us. We cannot make the plane land, de-board, and leave on time. Not even a little. We can enjoy walking in the airport and get extra snacks while not crammed on a plane and we can also never book Spirit airlines again haha.

He just became so unhinged and it was so uncomfortable to me. Never am I the calm one. At this sensitive juncture in our marriage, our work lives and at a family event he just couldn't pull it together and I just stood back in awe of what I felt like was such wasted energy and anxiety over so many things we just had no say in. 

Although the important things are planned on this upcoming trip, nothing else is. We will literally do whatever. I've made reservations for only the necessary things and just want to enjoy stuff as things come along, and be with my favorite people. That's all that matters. 

I can't make anyone want to hang out. I can't make people show up and do stuff with us. I can only say "Hey we will be in town, let me know if you want to hang out." This is has been a rough lesson that has really only come into full understanding this past year.

Last year on our epic Oregon trip, we had visited with some people that I consider a second family. Since having my daughter their family has gone through some shit, and the parents separated. I know both of the parents well, and always looked up to them but in going through some of my own hard times, while I commiserated greatly, I had my own stuff to deal with and only had so much I could really handle as just a visiting situation.

When visiting I kind of watched someone I loved a lot going through a dark place and it hit too close to home and I was ill prepared. I had mentioned seeing her again but saw the other half of their family that same afternoon. She was mad at me for seemingly picking sides. Considering where she was mentally, it didn't bother me that she got mad at me. It just made me sad that we left and I barely got to see her because she let something like that trip her up.

Since then I've kind of had to approach so much of my life, especially during my healing, as "There is only so much I can do in this situation," and kind of leave the rest up to the other party and the universe itself.

I plan a lot, daily, weekly and so on. But there is so much in life you can't even plan for as much as you may try. Accepting all of this stuff, as a planner, is no easy task but it's something I plan on continuing to do!

Therapy Gold Stars And Fresh Outlooks

I'm a pretty huge advocate of personal, couples, and all kinds of therapy. Why? Because it works to have someone neutral to help you handle your shit, in my personal experience and opinion. It's become more acceptable and mainstreamed to go to therapy and I very much embrace and appreciate that.

My husband and I have been going to therapy for two years and this past year was healing and breakthrough, finally. He goes to individual therapy, as do I. It feels nice to have someone on your side who can actually help you see yourself objectively.

I recently received what I consider to be a gold star in my personal therapy and my husband and I definitely got one in our couples session. After two years of struggle, plus another 4 years of utter muck, this feels beyond gratifying.

Having a fresh outlook is not something that comes easy for me. I'm miss obsess, miss overthink and miss inner conversationalist. Taking this down a notch, or twenty notches, has been a daily struggle but guess what? I'm figuring it out.

Being open about being in therapy and having support has been hit or miss. Some people are super supportive and others kind of wonder why I "need" it or spend my time that way. The thing is, even though we act as though our entire lives are on social media and there is no more privacy, all of our inner and mental battles go everywhere with us and no one else can truly, completely know what someone else is going through. Enter empathy. Empathy is huge.

I think most of us can kind of "idle" as a happy depressed person. We can hide a lot. My therapists say often that I rarely come in airing of anxiety and depression, you really have to get under that surface facade that I can wear. Chinks in the armor I like to think of it as. Most people I talk to who have suffered trauma say that people, "Never would have known," because it all looked neat and pretty on the outside. It usually does.

We all handle our struggles differently. Some medicate, some numb, some deny, deny deny. Some have a balance of all those things and some indulge in more of them than others. Life is hard! That's one thing you can't deny.

It is hard work, all of it. Sometimes I'm all happy to go talk it out in therapy and sometimes it can feel heavy. You are forced to face everything you avoid when you're not in that office, which can be so daunting, but then again, so liberating.

The gold stars came from hard work. Self realization, awareness, staying positive through the rough times and appreciating the good rather than focusing on the bad, all helped with the therapist supporting and stating how impressive it was and acknowledging the progress. This made me smile because sometimes after those sessions I don't actually feel better.

My personal therapist reminds me often that it's not some requirement of therapy to leave feeling better but she likes to check in towards the end of the session. Usually therapy sessions don't go how I think they will, either. I'll go in there ready to hash out some stuff and leave having focused entirely on a separate issue that I didn't even know was in there. It's complicated.

I think a fresh outlook is just another form of hope. Feeling hopeless is crappy. You can spend years wishing, hoping, even praying but when you put in the real work everything can turn around. I made excuses for years to keep us out of therapy, but it's the best time and money I've ever spent on something considered to be a luxury or non-essential thing. I don't regret any of it.

Healing from trauma and brokenness is hard work and it takes a tribe, openness, and in my humble opinion, therapy! You don't have to agree. In this day and age we have so many outlets and opportunities to find help all over, but for me, and for us, we needed some professional help. Not being ashamed of that, is also huge for me. 

I head into the long weekend, the time with family, with all of the things with a fresh outlook and it feels really, really, long overdue and fantastic. Not carrying extra stress and worry is a feat all on it's own for me. If you have any questions about my journey, reach out, because I'm going to be talking about it more and more. 

Go enjoy the 4th of July holiday, readers!

Gutters, Glitter and Getting Comfortable in Adulthood

My daughter just got out some Glitter that was a gift and is dumping glitter on glue. Comedian Demitri Martin says, "Glitter is the herpes of craft products." My husband has a serious glitter aversion. He very much hates them.

After a work out and a calm morning, I came home with a slight headache prompting my husband to take my daughter to the hardware store with him to get more gutter pieces to work on stuff with the house. I rested, rebooted and started on the chores.

We made plans for this day that have since fizzled, but I'm actually okay with it all. I guess this weekend kicked my butt. After an enlightening conversation, I've realized that through everything, not only have I maintained a good outlook in general, but I'm making the best of what's in front of me and I feel proud. This is a rarity for me.

We're a little bit in debt, but crawling out well. We have our structure and our plans. We have some fun things planned for us that I'm looking forward to also. We're growing and doing our best. 

Moreover, the gutters and glitter and just continued metaphors for life. We borrowed more than I'd like from savings for gutters because it's rainy season and it's a small home improvement thing that we need. There is glitter all over my table, my bench and a pan and spoon but, we'll clean up the mess as best we can. I mean, what else can we do.

Doing the best you can with the situation at hand is such a task sometimes, but it's all you can do. I finally caught up with a friend and was asking about long-term plans only to get the answer "I don't know what's going on, I just have to take things as they come." I laughed and replied, "Hey, one day at a time is all you can do sometimes, that's how I roll."

Adulthood is rough. It super sucks honestly, but we all have to live it. It's all what you make of it. That theme is so important. It is imperative that you stay positive even when you don't want to. 

After getting some serious rest and actually having time to chill I can now appreciate the process, the struggle and the growth more than when I'm cranky and hangry. Yesterday I was not in a great place so I couldn't find my positive vibes. 

Memorial day can come with a lot of mixed feelings for many people and I don't think of it as just BBQ day. I invite you to take some time and think about how far we've come because of the people who fought for us, and how far you've come personally because of your fight for yourself. Just enjoy the day because we're back to the grind tomorrow!