Mentality Matters

Yesterday in my last 90 minutes of work, a particularly prickly contributor I work with, sent me something to edit and send out and it sat in my inbox longer than he would prefer. He didn't actually call me out on it, I had felt badly because I was distracted with other work things.

Internally I was worried he would call and chew me out, or maybe a boss would get pissed about it. Immediately after I published it, I started my "I'm sorry" email. I started to type it twice and then stopped myself. Why? Because apologizing for being human, doing other aspects of my job and not being at his beck and call, didn't seem worth it. Would it even make me feel better?

I stopped and thought, why am I apologizing? This stuff happens. It's called life. What do I have to apologize for? Oh nothing really, but missing something that could have used more timely attention but it all went out anyway. I calmed myself down and got myself home.

It was my mentality about it that made it bigger than it was. Huh, quite a novel idea that it's about your personal mentality towards an issue that makes it "extra." This isn't a new idea. Some people carry this genius with them and don't have such anxious upsets and responses towards things, but for me this faint "A-ha" moment gave me pause.

I got home with my tiny person and got my evening rolling and by bed time had gone to bed forgetting about the whole issue. I woke up, remembered I had to get more blood drawn and thought "Shit, I might hear about that late update." After a successful blood draw I got to work late and heard all of nothing about it. Not a word.

When the contributor's number came across the call ID I was sure it was a verbal lashing waiting to happen. Nope. He said nothing. So any amount of upset and stress was self-inflicted and I pushed my mentality towards other things and it all turned out just fine. Huh. I may be onto something.

See my mentality can be volatile and fragile. Some days I can handle all of life's curve balls with perfect precision in hitting back or catch and pitch. Some days I cry over a burrito, or because I can't find a straw. Some people blame lady troubles or sensitivity, but mostly it is my mentality that makes all the difference.

When I mentally "let go" of stuff, it makes me feel legitimately lighter. Like when I stopped feeling badly for not being an amazing volunteer, I felt like I lost five pounds. I was like, "Oh wait I can just go live my life now and be kind? I don't have to stress over arranging something that makes me anxious? COOL!"

I'm that person who views an unanswered text as a "Fuck off." That whole "no response is a response" I changed to "No response means go the fuck away." Excuse the language but mentally, that is where I usually go. When that happens, I get defensive and down on myself, but lately instead of making justifications and excuses for the non-responding offender, I just attempt to change my mentality. Instead of "Fuck off," it could be "Feeling overwhelmed," or "meant to revisit the message later," to "busy."

While I preach low to no expectations, I also hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This I do to a fault. I mentally prepare for all possible outcomes to the point of exhaustion. I'm ready for all avenues of response or lack thereof. Apparently I get this from my dad, or so he claims.

My mentality is one of my greatest struggles. Confidence, strength, conviction, and sureness are not things I just have. So much of my mentality is wrapped in my trauma, I'm realizing. Because of past moments of standing up for myself and being down-played or degraded, I have less push to consistently be my own advocate. Because of trying and failing something previously, I hesitate to try again. 

Most of this stuff is human, some of it is awesomely Alison. What I realized yesterday in the mentality mattering moment was just how much I can do, with a little adjustment in my outlook on things. I am well aware I impose 90% of my stress and anxiety on myself, all on my own. It's like a gut reaction.What I'm still learning is how to mentally alleviate some of that, on my own. 

It's not a "just don't think about it," or, "don't let it bother you," type of situation but as I say to my daughter regularly, I feel it's more a "Thank you for sharing your feelings that you're sad, how can I help with that?" If I say, even to myself, "This is making me feel anxious," I can self-soothe with, "well what can we do about it."

For the contributor reaction issue, I had my list of excuses backlogged but instead I said to myself "It went out, I was busy with other things and not attentive to my email." No further explanation needed. For unresponsive friends or family members, I usually bring myself down from anxious whims by saying "Okay, you asked them to do x,y,z, they now have to respond according and if they don't, you just go on with your day. It's not an end all, be all thing."

My mentality matters a LOT when it comes to my ability to process my depression and anxiety. Not surprisingly, this aligns with my inner dialogue, my self acceptance, my letting go and my dealing with disappointment and expectations. So this reverts back to many, many other blog posts. This makes me feel happy about the cultivation of what matters and today, my mentality matters!

These aren't "easy" conclusions, acceptances and ideas to just keep in your back pocket but I continue to love my growth, my healing and all of the discoveries that come along with them. Perhaps in losing some blood today I made more room for some insight. Here we go thoughtful Thursday. Let's do this!

Fire Alarm Day And The Blogging Lull

First of all, I just realized I am nine months into this 2019 pilgrimage and I'm feeling pretty okay about that. I've had some really great pieces flow, I've had some duds. This is writing! I've had to set my boundaries on things. I didn't want to make this a chore but rather something to facilitate growth.

My daughter just started the plague of homework and they require daily reading. No big deal, right? I just hate that it's a CHORE. Reading should be fun. I remember being her age and being annoyed that my Goosebumps and R.L. Stein books didn't count for summer stuff. Instead I had to read Fahrenheit 541 and The Giver and other books I had no interest in. She has some range of choice so there's that. She usually tries to read something she has memorized. Never a dull moment.

Currently I'm in my office waiting for the fire department to come test the fire alarm system. This is LOUD and goes on for HOURS. It is horrible. I have headphones and I'm ready but it's not exactly the best day. I will most likely leave with a migraine from the noise.

With all of this in the background and life in general I'm in a very "take it as it comes" kind of mood which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I give myself constant reminders that there is only so much I can control, only so much I can do. A great deal of life indeed is rolling with the punches.

I struggle a lot with communication. I feel as though I ask often for more communication from people. I had a friend a few years ago and we joked about the "text abyss." You could be in a conversation and then life and distraction happens and you don't pick up your phone for 6 hours or something. I always say "Just tell me that you're super busy and we'll talk later, and then I will know and leave you alone." Being left hanging feels yucky.

Now as a mother, I totally get how weird text conversations can be. And also how unattached people can be to their phones much like the good old days. I'm that person who mentally responds but never types it or forgets to hit send. I also won't answer a text after 9 because I'm usually asleep. Like fast asleep.

I just never like leaving people feeling like "Uh, where did she go? I just asked her about the movie we were trying to go see!?" Sometimes I think as an overly anxious person I over-anticipate the anxieties of others. This could be seen as being a wonderful empath. Mostly, it just means my anxieties are borrowing yours and they are running wild and freely together. It can get weird.

I kind of felt like the blogging lull has set in. I don't think I'm running out of topics, but some days I'm more amped for it than others. Some days that spark shines so bright. Other days I feel like the emptied out lighter struggling to get the incense going. 

So as I'm sitting at my work desk with my yogurt, waiting for these alarms to bombard my day, I've come to the conclusion that some days will be loud and interrupted, uncomfortable even. We just had our first test blast and it happened after I took a call from a problematic, harassing customer. So I'm feeling like, today will be what it will. It could end up awesome, or maybe less so. So it goes for most days but today I will just do what I can.

Feel free to DM me any blog ideas, any subjects you want covered or questions you want answered. I'm always open to hearing from my readers! Thanks!

Quirky Personalities Over Mean Attitudes

I was venting yesterday about office-mates and I had an interesting realization. I have hailed my current job as the best I have had since my nanny days, mostly due to the fact that my anxiety, my mental health and for my personality, I'm truly in a rational place oof employment where I can thrive, as opposed to a volatile environment with unclear expectations. I had made a comment of "I work with some very interesting people, but I'm taken care of so well that I can overlook all the idiosyncrasies of those I share my office space with." Thus began the adumbration. 

I've been thinking about my job history in terms of my mental health, along with my ability to grow, handle things well, and thrive and I realized that environment has been everything for me. My current office is generally quiet. My co-workers are polite, kind, and mostly considerate of each other. They all have good and bad days, sometimes their personality quirks come out strong, sometimes they are muted. My current bosses are understanding and respectful. I have only had two times where my bosses were super "bossy" with me, and they paled in comparison to some employers of the past.

My weird, albeit interesting realization was, coming out of new phases in motherhood and back into the workforce some 6 years ago, I stumbled into situations fraught with forms of bullying. When I look back now I accept that not only was I just so desperate to better my situation that my outlook was cloudy, but I also I had no self-esteem to stand my ground and stand up for myself. Looking back, when I was backed into a corner with a co-worker or boss, I always waved the white flag of surrender, even if I knew better because it was easier to stay away from confrontation.

When you're struggling at home and in life painting work as your escape, you can easily enmesh yourself in workplace drama, gossip, co-worker "friendship"s and anything to keep you from dealing with your own problems. Such was my life for almost 3 years. It was when I was at my worst, at my lowest, that I "hit-bottom" per-se, was mentally beaten down and bloodied for the last time, that I decided to get out while the getting was good.

It was a good decision for me to leave a place where I was drowning. The job I chose to replace it, was actually a bad choice, but now, I realize it brought me to where I am now so it served it's purpose.

I had spent nearly 4 years under the reign of bullying in some sense or another. Maybe one afternoon it was a boss. Maybe another day it was a co-worker, or at time even a customer, but while struggling at home (which I knew better than to ever share about at work), I started mentally collapsing at work. Ironically, my job performance didn't suffer noticeably, I just started alienating myself and trying to find a way out.

I had found a handful of good people in my workplaces to keep me afloat but I was very much not okay and extremely desperate to prove on the outside I was beyond okay. It was a crazy world to live in. After the car accident I really saw the light and started to dig my way out more and more. The detour I took from there was rough and definitely a set back, but again, it brought me to where I am now so it wasn't all for nothing.

Looking back, sure I worked with some characters, but mostly I feel like I worked with grouchy, mean, and angry people that fed my negativity and shoved me deeper into my depression in the past just by being immersed in that environment. Now in my current place of work, even on their grouchy days, I see the good in all these wonderfully unique souls I share an office with.

You don't actually have to LIKE everyone, but you have to co-exist, which is tough to manage in a gossipy-behind-the-back, competitive workplace, which I have unfortunately  experienced the hard way. You don't have to agree with everyone, but it's tough to see someone else's point of view when you are constantly told how it should be received. 

Let me clear something up, I'm grateful for all of my jobs and all of my negative experiences because they have made me the woman I am now, sitting here, writing this. Above all, the good people I have met through those places, have made my world whole, and forever changed me, no matter how short their visit in this thing know as my so-called life. This isn't a bitter diatribe about my resume or bad jobs, but rather a reflection on how I've discovered that I can't be my best self, if I'm not near people who WANT that from me and for me. In some work-places, that's not part of the employee handbook, unfortunately.

Where I am now, I can have my peace when I need it. I can listen to music and podcasts and answer texts without judgement. I can have authority over things I've become proficient with. I CAN MAKE MISTAKES without any serious detriment or punishment. I can be Alison without fully filtering myself beyond recognition. I can live my life and have my job; one doesn't overturn the other.

When you have lived without this, that kind of freedom is as close to "relaxing," as I can get, and I that is why I rarely complain. I work in an environment where I never feel as though someone is "out to get me," or "will hate me tomorrow," or "will fire me, because I suck." 

At one of my previous jobs I had met someone that worked for my company but as an independent contractor of sorts, if you will. He once made a comment to me about telling my supervisor I could do more and showing them how great I could be in a new position. I remember telling him, "No, I can't draw too much attention because then the expectation will be too much. I have to stay just under the radar. I have to do well at what I am supposed to and not fuck up anything else, but not make them think to give me too much and then fail. Just under the radar and not messing up." I will never forget he looked at me deadpan and said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You can do better."

In that moment I shrugged it off. Now I feel sad that someone else saw that potential in me, but the people I had worked with just didn't at all, or it least didn't make me feel as though they did. I was too busy using the Jim Halpert work ethic, which I quoted often when I worked in there:

I look back at Facebook posts of how grateful I was even in my misery; how much I posted I loved those jobs. Then I look at the Pinterest posts of memes and quotes of how sad I was as a person and how much I just couldn't get it together around the forced gratitude for not working at McDonald's. I was very afraid in general and didn't work in a place where I had the support to do what I needed for myself and my family without suffering financially, mentally or just as an employee.

Where I am now, I have been able to do what I need to be my best Alison, in and out of the office. I can schedule doctor's appointments on lunch breaks, with no argument. I can schedule therapy on lunch breaks, no questions asked. I can leave early to pick up my child, with no eye roll or need to "make up for that time." I can show up late because of bad traffic, with no scolding. I can take a vacation and not be worried about coming into a pile of extra things left to remind me that I shouldn't take time off, and I can even go away and not worry about missing a paycheck or being docked because of my absence. These are all game changers.

I realized that I spent too long surrounded by meanness and negativity. I spent too long trying to please people who were just generally displeased with most of life, not just my contribution to it. I realized I worked in proximity to people who didn't "get me" and who didn't know me, but knew "the image I was supposed to emulate." 

That's sad, isn't it? I remember during another "hit bottom" period I revealed to my best friend some of the darkness that plagued my home life and she just said, "I'm so sorry you ever felt that. I'm so sorry you ever had those bad moments and I wish you didn't have to go through that." That was an a-ha moment for me of...and if I walked in to my boss' office and laid out that this is where I was and I was deeply struggling,there would not be a response with that kind of understanding, ever.

My affirmation for that assumption came when I quit. I'll admit I had left abruptly but I wrote my boss and the family and note, not thanking them for the employment, but rather thanking them for inviting us to some out of work activities that connected us with people that were helping us thrive. The response to this was being blocked by most of them on social media, and spoken to only under duress in any social situation where we happened upon each other since. It doesn't make me sad or upset. It gives me reassurance that I did the right thing.

I am surrounded by quirky personalities that speak in cliches and small talk strange things. I am surrounded by people who march to their own beat and are even incredibly weird sometimes. I am in a positive work environment where in two years I've never felt attacked, never felt anxious, never felt berated by even a boss on a bad day. Every day I'm grateful for not being surrounded by mean attitudes and perpetual grouches that make Oscar on Sesame Street look like an optimist.

It's the people, places and things. It's the cliche that they encourage in AA, NA and such that your triggers can come from people, places and things so once you change those, you're proactively working on the problem more constructively. I've never embraced that more.

Ironically I'd watched this with other people. Everything I had gone through I had seen in the past with friends or family but couldn't recognize it within myself until now. And what a revelation. 

Selective Peopling...It's Not Them, It's Me

The older I get, the more I accept my introverted extroverted status in life. Look, I share an office with 2 to 5 people depending on the goings on. I'm a mother to a child that never stops talking unless she's asleep. My husband thrives with noise so there will be the bedroom TV on while he folds laundry in between cooking where the tablet is on with a cooking show some nights and then the kid watching whatever she's into for her down time in the evening, all at once. I LOVE MY QUIET.

My office always has some noise, I work in proximity to the TV/Radio studio for my company so there is white noise if you will, I like MY QUIET, which is music or a podcast I wanna watch with no one else in my ear. I have to be nice to the less than fantastic personalities I share said space with. I love my two bosses because they are busy and keep to themselves, my other co-workers, well one likes to talk too much about her cats, her bible study and her weird views on life and money, and the other one says the same cliche things to me and condescendingly calls me "Dear" to the point where I want to scream. I like quiet.

I do work with customers so I have to use all my kindness and patience with them and also with my child, sometimes with my husband. One thing I have learned: I can handle certain people, in certain circumstances, and most often mentally prep to do so, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

In wonderful text exchanges this week I realized that we all do this, purposefully or not, I'm just done pretending I don't. We have a birthday party to attend this weekend and the hosts are one of my all time favorite families ever. There will be mostly people I don't know. I can mingle and talk with everyone but by dinner, I'm going to need to hide in front of Netflix and snuggle my kid after all the peopling. 

And this is my Sunday struggle. See, church is supposed to be this peaceful place, but then I go and sometimes I only wanna engage with the people that know where I'm growing, yes growing. Sometimes I can get up the energy to just people in general, but it feels exhausting to do the "How do you do and shake hands," and put on the game face, more often than not. Sometimes I just wanna "be" and when I get the sense that the "be-ing" is going to be a task, I recoil and retreat.

I always remind people, "Keep inviting me to do stuff." It's not that I refuse to people and have fun. It's more, sometimes I'm mentally exhausted and need to do nothing. Sometimes we already have plans. Sometimes we don't have the gas money or extra money to attend things. Sometimes you're going to a restaurant I hate and don't want to have a stressful dining experience. And sometimes I just can't people that day. 

I like a lot of people in general. I can do really well in social situations, when I prep myself, but I also do well one on one. For every social exertion, in turn I need some reboot. For me, its the same as working out; everyone needs a rest day from time to time. My thing is, I'm really tired of feeling like I have to explain myself. I usually just resign to claiming, "Sorry I suck at planning right now," "Sorry I suck at this, that, xyz, right now."

I might be in a completely renewed, and healing place right now, a positive, happy place even, but that's just as delicate as when I'm navigating darkness and everyone handles their personal stuff differently. For so many close to me, I know church is their haven and safe place, but for me it is not. Growing up with a Presbyterian Pastor father but attending Catholic school can really mess up your religious views. For me, it has made me smart and cynical but also very sensitive to what church should be about.

When it comes to being around addiction, recovery, alcoholism and such, church can get very oppressive for me. In Catholic school you're sent to pray as punishment, but you're also supposed to pray that people just get "better" and "get right." There is no help when things don't work out that way, or so in my personal experience. At my dad's church you were meant to find your "Framily" you know the friends who are family thing, and take the message from the sermon, and get what you can from it for your current circumstances and learn. 

When my family was struggling most, my dad stopped "making me" go to church and let me have time to heal and grow until I was ready to come back. This is now my default when I struggle. Even in happy times, if I'm struggling to adapt and keep on growing, I need my time to heal and grow without feeling the pull towards what I'm "supposed" to do with myself. And when I go and people, and put myself out there it's a delicate thing. I have to people quite carefully. I recently let my husband in on this a little more but it's really hard to explain to people, and really exhausting to have to, so again I keep distance when needed. 

I think life is hard enough. It is exhausting with long days and shorter and shorter years I feel, and peopling is rough for those of us with anxiety and all the other things happening, in my humble opinion. I try to consider this when I interact with others, just how difficult it can all be and that other people might share this point of view with me even if they don't say it out loud. Consideration is huge and it seems to be lacking in it's consistency in this world. For those people who "get me," none of the above is a surprise and for those who don't, you may never get me and I'm super done pretending I even want to be "gotten." 

The point of all of this is that, peopling can be just as taxing as a heavy workout, just mentally so. And with mental health being merged into real discussions now, just take a moment and be kind to everyone because you never know how much peopling they can do, and what inner battles they face. Stay calm, stay patient and stay kind and remember it's most likely not a personal thing, but a peopling thing. 

Last Minute Planning Is Now Part Of The Transitional Stages

I'm a self-proclaimed and well known planner. I like to put things on calendars, even months in advance. But with how insane my husband's schedule has been, how little my mom has been able to help, a babysitter who is increasing unavailable, and my desperateness for time away from the norm, I've recently become the master of last minute planning.

You often just have to take things one day at a time, but lately I've been able to plan things with a day's notice or even just a few hours, with much more ease than previous times. I don't think I can blame this one on my growth, but rather a product of circumstance. 

I think right now I'm so aware that things could change on a dime that I'm able to just as well plan on a dime. But I thought about everything going on the past few months, I really took some time to reflect and realized that I'm in such a different place now.

I lost touch with someone who has been there through some of the most chaotic points of my past 3 years, and whom I looked up to. In that acceptance, I've realized it's because my current chaos is new. It's not manic chaos. It's transitional chaos, if you will. And I got this!

Years ago my chaos was seriously harming me. It was impeding many aspects of my life and definitely my mental health, but now I feel like all of my chaos is negotiable. The job change for my husband was not on our current planning scheme, but you really can't plan for life much these days, as things just keep rolling with or without you, so I just sucked it up and figured out how to be supportive.

When boot camp ended it hurt my world, but I did my research and found another outlet. And I love my new gym! It's a welcome challenge that I love and embrace and something I've wanted to get into for such a long time. If I had to lose boot camp, I'm glad I have 9Rounds. 

So since March I've lost boot camp, lost touch with a friend I got used to having around more often, worked hard on myself and my close personal relationships, and watched my husband get promoted to a newer, more responsible job position, immediately yanking him away from normal aspects of family routines.

The job transition has been rough, but I've tried to just take it as it comes. Some days I get irrationally pissed. Other days I feel like I have it all together. I know in the long run, and when things get settled, it will all be for the best.

So going from planning a month in advance with a sitter locked in, to having to wait until the day before or day of, or having to say "Right now it looks like I can make it work, but it could change," has been a hurdle in the transition for me, for sure, but one that I feel okay about. 

It's kept me relatively honest about stuff. With my depression and anxiety I have a hard time communicating with people when it comes to asking them to work with me on what I need to best make social interactions work well. Now I've had to be like, "Look I have every intention of trying to attend but with the hubby's schedule it could not work out that way at all." Or just say "I can come, with or without child, no promises on the whole Chriss fam."

I can see how that may come across flaky and annoying; undependable. But right now it is the reality I'm in. Knowing that it may be perceived that way has been helpful too.

Transitions are rough for me. I think in a sense they are rough for everyone, some just hide it better, but I can have some serious problems with transitions. The last few months have made me work on that, and face it all, ready to defeat it. I'm a work in progress what can I say.

For this Sunday we have taken things as they have come. I have planned a little here and there but nothing too crazy. I'm happy to have some down time but mostly I feel grateful, and really that's what it's all about.

The Truths I've Come To Know, Love And Accept About Myself

In my reflection lately, and coming after some kudos in therapy and in other relationships, I've realized some fundamental, unapologetic truths about myself. I feel they are share-able.

I've watched someone I considered a good friend crash and burn, manipulate, lie and create this entire life that now has produced a victim not a villain. Rather than call out the haters (which happened to me and didn't make much of a difference other than that I had a distaste for the person who did it to me that has never really rebounded), I just have stopped feeding into it. I can listen when reached out to needing an open ear but I don't ask to hear the drama.

I feel like it's a Little Shop of Horrors kind of moment where if Seymour wouldn't have fed the Audrey II blood to begin with, it wouldn't have started eating people. So if I don't sit there and welcome the complaints, hatred, self-loathing and bitterness, I'm not feeding into the anxious frenzy and making it worse. Or so I tell myself as I'm sorting this all out. 

I've also begun asking myself, quite often, how much of all of this is even my responsibility? Technically I'm responsible for my daughter, my husband, the dog and myself. How much more outside of that should I be taking on?

As an anxious depressive I've realized that my relationships that I carry beside me mirror the current circumstance of my life. So when I was an angry flailing mess, I was around people who wanted to go out and distract me from that. When I was sad and done and feeling cornered, I was around friends who had survived or overcome worse, or at least had experienced similar. When I was ready to take things back, I stuck by people with similar goals who wanted progress and introspection.

There are parts of me that are grieving some of the friend losses. They have just kind of faded into the background as though, if I haven't put in the effort the relationship is no longer there and I have my moments of "missing them." I say missing them because isn't there an age old adage of, "How can I miss you if you never leave?" I miss the ideas of what I thought we had going.

Mostly I've taken to pinning some things on my Pinterest boards and just finding other ways of coping and distraction that are less destructive than prior versions of myself. I've been watching new series, reading a lot and getting plenty of rest. I've also been investing in a better relationship with my family, which seems to be working out pretty well.

I've learned that if it's too stressful, I just don't need it. There are some parts of life that are going to be stressful, no matter what, and that's just par for the course. However, there are some parts of life that add stress because of my reactions to them. No more. I now am strong in boundaries. Some of them will seem stupid, but they are mine.

My first example would be volunteering; I used to love to volunteer, but somewhere along the line it got stressful, filled me with anxiety and made me not able to serve well because I was miserable. I carried that weight, hid it well and powered through saying it was just a funk. It turns out I was denying that I cannot willingly walk into chaos and properly serve. It doesn't work for me. Taking that step back was huge for me, because I'm very into the "obligatory" and usually end up "shoulding" all over myself. Not anymore. 

I also refuse to chase after people and be the train conductor of all the relationships. The friends I have kept within my tribe are the ones that may get busy with life, parenthood, family, spouses, work and all the things, but still take the time to say, "Hey I miss you, wanna hang out?" To me, this is everything. The distinction is clear now. This has been a struggle for me, but now I see the line much more easily.

My job is fantastic and I'm finally in a place of STEADY growth and healing. I have my panic moments of "Don't mess it up!" But, mostly I just want to keep on keeping on. The peace that has finally come, and that we have been able to maintain and communicate around is not something I'm remotely willing to sacrifice and I love being able to type that.

Make no mistake, I am not miss "happy-go-lucky everything is fine now." That girl has long since resigned in shame. I am, "Hey, we are communicating and moving steadily in shared directions, with shared goals, and bossing up mentally, financially, and as a family and let's just keep the momentum and take everything as it comes." It's not a bad place to be comparatively. 

As per my post yesterday, I definitely have a rough few weeks ahead, but last night I did what I could and slayed my extra chores. I got dinner on the table and bathed the kid. We talked about random things and read some chapter book and had mommy-daughter cuddles. I was asleep by 9 and it was heaven. We can do this. I can do this!

Even an elder millennial is all about "my" truth or "our truths," right? Well my truths are this: I'm flawed and I've made crap choices, especially in the heat of my life in disarray and denial of what I really had in front of me. I'm stubborn, an introverted extrovert, I struggle with anxiety, depression, exhaustion and needing extra forms of breaks. I get overwhelmed and defensive easily and literally think my child is the best kid in this universe. I'm also a great friend, genuinely well-intentioned, and tenacious to the point of obnoxious in some cases when it comes to making sure people feel seen, heard and relevant.

I'm still learning and taking in everything that comes with all these things. I'm still progressing and very much in the midst of the process, but I like that I'm awake, aware and always Alison about it all. And if you're not such a fan, I get it, but I have no bad feelings about you growing your own way either, in fact I'm totally supportive of that even if it means I can't be there to cheer you on!

Supportive Spousal Responsibilities Suck...Sometimes

One of the things I discovered early on in marriage is that being a supportive spouse goes a long way, especially when you might disagree with a choice but it's what your significant other wants, so you push to make it happen. This has been a huge struggle for me during motherhood.

When it's just you and your man, you can be all in, ride or die. When you have a kiddo to consider, things can get complicated; fast. I've felt cornered a lot in the last 5 years because some of those spousal support moments have come with doubt, anger and feelings of not having a choice but to sigh and say, "Okay babe." There have been times I KNEW, with every fiber of my being, it was a bad, inconvenient, and unfair choice, but I just let him go forward because he wanted it. And to me, marriage is just supporting each other, unconditionally.

I also have refrained from the "Told ya so," moments. Trust me, I've wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I'm a firm believer in all things are a learning experience so, I try to keep my negativity curbed as much as possible. I'm currently in a moment where, I don't believe current circumstances to be a bad choice, I just realize that it's not an easy one, if you will.

My husband is Mr. Hospitality. I mean this as he has worked his entire career in the Restaurant industry from the delivery guy to the dish pit to upper management. After all kinds of unnecessary drama, today is the day he will be prompted to step into the realm of head chef at a local and well known French Bistro. 

On the one hand, I'm ridiculously proud of him. I get really angry sometimes, and sad that some parts of our extended family don't appreciate how hard he worked and how much talent he has. He legitimately is self taught or found amazing mentors. but has been the driving force behind many restaurant successes. He has often been mistreated in the wake of those restaurants thriving, in my defensive, wifely and biased opinion. I'm not getting that vibe this time in this situation, but from personal experience I know this can be a nasty business. 

I will admit that this was literally not part of the current plan, not even remotely, and throws us a wrench. But, as a famous movie said, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!" 

I had literally every emotion all at once yesterday and had to get myself together. All the plans I was hinging on, even for today, were completely derailed. I did what I do best, and started cleaning things, the things I was told to leave for my husband today, on his day off, which he is now working on. Then I had to talk to the kiddo.

My husband and I have no talent at communicating at opportune moments. We blurt things at each other instead of have some calm, round table discussion. In the midst of mentally armoring ourselves the for the battle before us, our daughter picked up on some of the emotions flying about. She pulled me aside and said, "Mom, why are you and dad being so weird? Daddy was kinda rude to me and you guys are acting weird."

I leveled with her and said, "Daddy is just going through some job stuff. It's good stuff but plans are going to change and it's a little stressful. But I'm here. So you have me and that's all you need to worry about." She then proceeded to do a bunch of chores, unprompted, last night including straightening up the living room, hanging up blankets, putting toys away, and making the house smell nice. She's the best and I will brag about her to the point of being annoying.

We're in for a rough run; I'm being completely honest with myself about that. Hubby will be working extra and doing an overhaul in the wake of everything and I just have to kick butt at home and keep going to work and grabbing the little one at the end of the day. I can't make plans because I have no idea when he will be around and don't want to miss any family time opportunities. They could be few and far between for a minimum of 5 weeks, if not more. 

We've been working pretty hard on being better communicators as significant others. We've been generally kinder towards each other and our biggest fear that comes with this huge accomplishment for him is just worrying about the weight of what it will do to our progress. It's delicate right now, and we're freshly feeling better about each other so we don't want to mess anything up. I think that's the most accurate way I can describe it. 

This also isn't my first rodeo. I've been here many times in our marriage. Hospitality industry job transitions are super clunky and stressful. It's just part of that career. For me, it never gets easier, I just learn how to adjust my expectations and be more realistic about what is in front of me. Call it growth but right now, all I can do is support whatever he needs. If that means, not asking him to take on extra chores or to put away laundry, that's okay.

I told him that, yes, this isn't ideal for timing. This isn't a long term goal met earlier to great surprise. This is a new challenge and a whole new thing for us all. He will do well. He will thrive because this is what he does best, but that's not to say that some days won't be much better than others.

There was a part of me that wanted to play, "Oh woe is me," but that's not productive. I had my pouty moment, and decided to just embrace the good aspects of all of this instead. This learning experience will bring great wisdom and new horizons for him for sure. Sometimes the path to where you should be gets detoured and needs alternate, newer routes. This doesn't mean you won't get to the destination eventually. I can try and be a little more ride or die like the old days and a little less skeptical like the anxious Alison he knows and (hopefully) loves. 

My plan of attack is to just keep everything awesome on the home front and mom like a boss. I'll self care if I can and try to wife it up well enough also to keep him plugging along. It's hard to explain to people how it all works and the effects it can have when your schedule and sense of normalcy gets turned upside down. In most ways this is a positive and exciting thing filled with celebratory moments, but it is a challenge and new set of responsibilities to balance in work and at home for the entire family.

Just because it will be difficult doesn't mean it's not worth it, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and probably overflow my blog with all the ramifications. For this Monday I'm staying positive and counting the blessings. We'll see what happens a week into the newness. Here we go!