The Bad NewsFeed

I've been super sensitive to social media causing me many waves of anxieties and have been sticking mostly with Instagram as of late. However, things have been slow lately and Facebook has been my "down time." This is never a good idea.

Yesterday, among the weird quotes and pictures, the people posting inappropriate jokes and political statements, I read a sad, sad update. To preface this, this news came from the wife of an old friend and she tagged him in it, which is the only way it came in our newsfeed. Before I leave the bad news in the blog, a little back story if you will.

I went to school with the same twenty kids from 3rd grade to sophomore year of high school. I wasn't in the popular clique, I wasn't in the "losers" group, I was just a weird middle. If you ask my best friend she'd say, I "got along with everyone." My mom was that mom who wanted me to hang out with certain people based on their parents. Like, "Oh they own that restaurant chain ya know? Her dad is that litigator. His dad runs his own business." Seldom did I get along with those kids based on stuff like that.

There was this one popular goofball boy and I always thought he was kind and hilarious, with a slight mean streak from time to time, but he seemed not to be bothered by me. In fact about 9 years ago he said, "Oh come on Ali, you'd be pretty hard not to remember." Mostly because I was loud. I have a lot of pictures of us in groups together.

My first introduction with him outside of being in my grade was kind of awkward. My mom had just spearheaded a grief group at Hospice of Lancaster County for children who had lost their parents to terminal illness. She desperately wanted this boy and his sister to attend. She pushed me to make it sound cool, as I was usually drug along to these things to make more friends. He came to one to play once and we did okay. He never really talked about his dad's death and to this day I'm still unsure of exactly how old he was or what happened, just that when I found him in 3rd grade, his dad had passed away prior.

We were never best friends, nor did we confide in each other or hang out often. He came to my birthday parties, Halloween parties, he did the act that followed me in the Talent Show, a skit from one of my favorite lame movies at the time, which I have somewhere on VHS. When we left St. Anne for Catholic High, 8th grade to High School that is, we were friends and he always said "hi" to me in the high school halls, cafeteria and at football games and dances.

When I left and moved, until Facebook came around we fell out of touch but when I sent that friend request, he accepted and it felt kind of cool ya know? Like we could keep tabs. We'd never been able to connect the few times we messaged each other when I was home to visit but I saw his family pictures and successes running a charity or non-profit type thing. I believe he named his son after his dad, and got married on his late father's birthday or something of that nature. I always admired him for growing into a good guy through that loss.

It was yesterday I saw an update that his wife posted with the completely heartbreaking news that their 3 month old daughter had passed away and everything just kind of went hazy for me. It was the saddest thing I've ever read. I was completely shaken.

This might seem weird, because we're not even that great of friends right? We haven't seen each other in like 18 years, and we don't even talk, so why am I so affected? Because I'm a mother, and because I'm a human.

There was a Parkland shooting survivor that killed herself this past week. We have friends that live in New Zealand and the shooting there has rocked the world. Then I read about this poor baby girl passing, which is just horrific. Is there really anything else to say about it?

Weeks ago at church they asked me to volunteer in the nursery and I declined, unsure of if my schedule would allow. Hours after I read that terrible Facebook announcement I got a reminder that I needed to watch the babies in the nursery tomorrow and I just about started to cry. I had successfully distracted myself but then it just all hit me at once.

Losing a parent when you're so young is just completely shattering, but you are forced to continue no matter how the growing pains. I don't know this from anything but proximity to such loss, rather than personal experience, so if I'm wrong, feel free to tell me. Now this poor guy and his wife have lost a child, and their son has lost his little sister. I honestly couldn't think of anything worse.

I'm not sure how she passed and I'm not sure I need to know. I'm not going to reach out and try to befriend him but I'm saying all my prayers for their family, without a doubt. This isn't an entry about sending them love and healing vibes or rallying emotional support. For me, this is about the profound occurrence of feeling something for someone somewhat removed from your life, because as a parent and human, you don't want to ignore the suffering.

I think of his wife just feeling so completely broken and blaming herself. I think of him losing 2 immediate family members in 34 short years on this planet. I think of his son missing his baby sister. They just posted family pictures a month ago. And I think about all of this happening around social media. Because if we didn't have that would I even know?

My best course of action is prayer and hoping that if they have some kind of donation in the baby's name I can participate. I won't send a condolences card or flowers. We don't really know each other anymore, but as a mother and and old friend I just feel like carrying some of this with me right now.

I know that sounds depressing and what a huge bummer of a post, right? But as a person who is healing and feeling a lot lately, I just wanted to be present in this reality for a bit. I know we can easily be removed from news of shootings, suicides and death in general right? Until it hits home? This hit a weird version of "home" for me.

So to my old friend, the one that made me laugh and stayed kind to me, just know you're in my prayers. You'll probably never read this, but if you ever happen upon it, my best wish is that someday when we meet again, the sadness and devastation will have lifted enough for me to make you laugh. I'll be over here hugging my daughter a little extra, and tomorrow's post will be lighter!!