Anxietal Shifts, Yes I Just Made Up A New Word

If there was one word used to describe me ever...it would be "anxious." When I was younger and my family went places like amusement parks I was always very aware I could get lost, like really lost because this was before cell phones. If someone says they will be at my house in 10 minutes and don't arrive in 15, clearly they have died in a 40 car pile-up. Okay, I've dialed down the mania by a long shot now but I'm usually the person that is the master of un-calm. The anti-calm if you will.

I don't know if that comes from trauma or it's just me, but here I am. Somehow, in the past year or so, I've been the easygoing one, and have learned a bit of calm, and it's the people I'm used to being calm that have become more unhinged, or at least appear so. It's so weird. Cue the Stranger Things theme music.

I've been prompting myself to better respond, better handle negativity, and control my reaction rather than let myself be disappointed by the actions of others. It's no easy task but I've found the pay-off to be invaluable to my mental state.

Lately I just remind myself that I have virtually no control over anything anymore. I can control my finances, most aspects of my timing, and my behavior; but I can't make people, even my own child, act how I want or need them to. All I can do is control my reaction to the situation in front of me.

Last year we went on the weekend trip from hell. As a family we hadn't traveled together in years. I was very used to it just being my daughter and I. Also, I refused to let the family step in and control the trip so I did everything myself. It went downhill fast.

I booked us on the worst airline that charged for carry on, which I didn't realize until the day before we left. I put the rental car under my husband's name because I have PTSD and hate driving unfamiliar cars, and he forgot his only credit card so they were mean about upholding the reservation. We got to everything late, we were rushed or tired and because karma is awesome, I got food poisoning...badly.

My husband was in a horrible mood the whole time, he was anxious and very angry and frustrated and on edge. Me? I was like "We'll get there when we get there. We'll call the company and figure it out. We'll stay in touch and see if we can make it happen." I was literally vomiting outside of the church where my cousin was about to be married, and I showed up smiling, holding it together and pushing through because...WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

In all my years before I had my child, I was the one with panic attacks that needed calming down. I was the over-thinker and one to throw the tantrums. Had I lost the will to scold? Or had a I outgrown it? If anything teaches you how little control you have, it's parenthood! But, really, where was the shift?

Last week my daughter had her first brush with lice, all the puns intended. I have serious lice PTSD issues, no joke, but my daughter was upset enough. My husband was at work. I just had to handle it. In the days after the treatment we are still checking and combing daily. We had't found much but were staying tenacious. My husband wanted to keep her on lock down as if she had chicken pox she could rub on her friends. I got annoyed and felt like, "Hey we have to let the kid have a life. She has been medicated and treated properly, we are maintaining the issue, we can't keep her prisoner. It will be fine."

I wasn't going to punish my kid for some weird rite of passage and we also did everything in our power for now, and could only treat and then use preventative measures going forward. You really do just have to take things one day at a time.

I'm starting to identify my triggers and when I'm most anxious and it's truly eye-opening. Knowing that has helped to calm my busy mind when the chaos creeps up. You'll hear people suggest all the anxiety-quelling tools about mindfulness and meditation but those things are so difficult for me. I do try, but some days are more successful for others. You also have to find what works for you and stick with it, that's my most generic, but best advice.

I don't know when the shift was exactly. We've had such a rough handful of years maybe I can just handle close to anything at this point. Mostly, I just don't have the energy to let everything ruin me anymore. Again, maybe this comes in part of recovery from all the trauma, but every day has it's challenges and let downs. It is up to me and only me as to how I handle them.

In some ways I am so proud and impressed with myself from this shift. I feel like I'm becoming a real grown up. In other ways I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being upset before, but I learned through the hardships, so I have that. The "anxietal" shift is still in flux, but I'm enjoying the ride now more than ever. I'm much better equipped to say the least. I wonder what shifts are yet to come and I certainly hope to never regress on my forward journey. I'm told that "relapses" are common but I think they will be lesser and lesser as I continue to tackle this thing called life.