See, I'm that personality that can hold a steady hand in a wave of chaos.
The above image is from my all time favorite episode of Friends. Rachel is desperately trying to take control of the mayhem from Joey and Chandler "winning" their apartment and she says she has the steady hand while we are seeing it shake and tremble perfectly, all the while she's claiming confidence that she has "the steady hand." This is me, always.
If you looked beneath the surface, and I have spent my life mastering my "game face," by the way, you could see my shaky hand. But boy did I talk the talk! I had it together! Things weren't "that bad," and everything was "fine." Now I'm owning up to it all, in bits and pieces, of just how "not fine" I was.
Seeing calm on the horizon is definitely new though, and it can feel slightly uncomfortable. I approach with great caution and know that there are still miles of hurdles before me, but am approaching them with less, depressive and negative assumptions.
Now when I call it a "terror" state, let's make clear what that has meant in my life. For me, it was not knowing if we would be okay. I had no confidence that we could afford anything really. I had no idea how I was going to get a better job, a promotion or anything to support my family where I wasn't mentally beaten down daily and berated. I had no promise of steady income from my husband's profession, which had helped him condone and utilize a lot of unhealthy practices in turn. I was breaking down and screaming over really simple, stupid, and unfair things at myself, at the dog, and at my daughter because my world was spinning and I felt immense isolation.
There were a very small amount of people that when I started to let in on some of my realities, were kind and open. A lot of friends had intense advice that was really more stressful for me, no matter how well-intentioned. Then there was a lot of reactions of not remotely knowing how to react, which made me feel like I was over-dramatizing or just being unreasonable.
As far as "fight or flight," I just kept running over and over and over the "stuck" feelings and thinking okay, "do I keep fighting the same fight without being heard? Or do I just give it all up and see if I can get some support and help?" Life had some pretty interesting detours to this question being answered that warranted my own detrimental choices and road blocks, but for the past year and a half, a great awakening had begun. And I've been incredibly aware of it's impact on my continuous journey.
Two simple events, about 8 months apart, completely changed me. I'll leave the entire stories and their details for my book one day, or so I hope. Regardless, the point is, the two events showed me: This is exactly what you had been fearing, and in worse shape than you had originally thought. And, it's not just you; you're not crazy, out of line, overbearing or unreasonable in this and it's going to be a really long, tough, journey to heal everything.
Through this I realized, it's not worth all the stress, upset, complaining and anxiety anymore over everything I can't control. I can only control my own reaction to what's in front of me. Time to stop being angry and to just let it all go, and start taking everything very slowly as it comes. I'll elaborate a bit.
Knowing that the situation, the troubles, the stress and upset was no longer just in my head and my "making a bigger deal out of something than it was," gave me a freedom I never thought possible. Knowing that the never-ending, redundant argument and complete mental beat-downs weren't actually about me, lessened the anger and made me more aware of how they happened and why. Discovering that my selfish, unbearable phase was the same coping mechanism I used when I was 16 to combat my mom's relapse and, again, it didn't work, was enlightening.
Put all of these things together, with extra guidance and some "social mining" if you will, and I can finally see the calm. It might seem weird that I'm saying you can see a "feeling," but what I mean is, I can see the difference, I can feel the changes and I can embrace what they are bringing with much less fear and petition.
The perfect example? I don't fly off of the handle anymore at really silly things and here are two great ways to exemplify that. My daughter has gone through the fearing phase in terms of her routines and stability, when plans get shaken, changed or deterred she gets upset, just like mommy. She is also always afraid she'll "get in trouble." I never wanted her to be afraid of me, only know I'm the mom!
She instantly calmed down and just handled the task at hand. She helped me clean and we went back to eating dinner and talking and laughing and there was no blow-out or tantrum. I felt the difference within myself as well. That reaction was less stressful than yelling. It didn't mess up my internal rhythm. It didn't derail the whole night. This was a little change that was a huge, huge, win.
Another example was last night, for the first time in over a year, my daughter had an accident in her bed. We just got her a new mattress and loft bed for Christmas. It's kind of an annoying thing to change honestly. So last night just before midnight she called out to me and told me. I didn't yell or get annoyed or upset. Yes, I wish I wasn't woken up but I also am glad she came to me.
We both got up. She said, "I'm sorry mom. I need to change my pajamas and then I can help." I took a deep breath. My husband text me recently he was on his way home. I text him to come help, but my daughter and I ended up getting everything done before he arrived back. And we got it done efficiently. She got me towels and wash clothes. She then put them in the laundry. She took her stuffed animals back on and crawled on corners to secure fitted sheets. I bumped my foot and my head in all the mania. I did yell out that I was super frustrated I was being clumsy, but was also half awake. My daughter said, "Mom, I bump my foot there a lot, and it's tough to be careful. I'm barely awake too, really tired, but we're almost done. Thanks for helping me." It was perfect.
At the end of the exchange before a tuck into clean sheets, I said, "You're not in trouble baby, accidents happen. And you said you went right before bed. But do you understand now, that when mommy says you must go before bed, that this why it's so important and if your body wakes you up, you just get up go to the bathroom no matter what?" She nodded, we hugged it out and went right back to bed.
Little things. Big wins. Life is hard! EVERYONE, has challenges they never meant for or fathomed could befall them. It could be financial, emotional, physical, mental, or a mixture of them all, but we all have our "stuff" that can really be difficult to navigate. It can be hard to talk about it in a good, or constructive way. It can be exhausting to try and tackle. But as my favorite uncle says, "We continue."
It's good to pray, for sure. It's great to go to therapy if you can. It's amazing to find SUPPORT that works for both parties, meaning friendships and groups and social things. It's not easy to find balance in getting what you need from it all. It's not easy to find your footing and not feel so "wobbly." So my advice is to take the little strides that are big moments and hold them close. Remember the impermanence that is this thing called life. Embrace the cliches because "this too shall pass," and NEVER hesitate to tell SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, that you're going through some stuff and just need someone to listen. You will find your way out of the muck even if you know you'll need to acquire more supplies and a lot more patience for the long hall, and I hope I can be a good example for that!
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