Most Of Parenting Is Uncomfortable And Isn't Covered In A Single Book

You read all the books right? The parenting books? The parenting theories and ideas? Yeah, me neither. I don't buy them, pun intended. I don't buy them and I don't buy the idea that anyone actually knows "how" to parent. It's all improvisation. We all do what we can.

So I'm going to write about how I'm a bad mom or a confused mom I guess. And if anyone wants to reach out for advice on this one, I'm in. 

We have a little girl that lives close by and used to come over often. She is two years older than Luna. I knew only a little bit about the family situation as, 1) it's none of my business, 2) I do everything in my power not to be a judgmental person and 3) again, none of my business. What I gathered is that she lived partly with mom, partly with Dad, Stepmom, and Grandmother, who lived closest to us and we conversed with from time to time. She was home often with just her grandmother. 

Things were okay for awhile. Admittedly, I don't like most children that are not mine, I'm only partial to maybe like 7 or 8 kids that I see regularly, most others are not my favorite for one reason or another. But finally I started paying closer attention and I heard the little girl, a guest mind you, telling Luna she was smarter than her, she was bigger than her, she was better than her. Any food we offered was "disgusting and she's a picky eater anyway." Any toys we had, she had better ones, but didn't want to go home." She would cry and fight and scream immediately if she didn't get her way. She was even mean to the dog.

I kept telling myself that every kid is different, maybe she was going through something, and I just needed to be patient and kind. But finally I heard her telling my daughter she was "stupid" and my daughter was saying, "Hey if we don't get along, we can't play, let's try this. Okay, how about this?" This little girl constantly said, no, no, no, those ideas were dumb and I even heard some "shut ups" here and there. 

The last straw was when I made lunch. I came from a household that was very much, "Eat what is put in front of you and be thankful someone prepared food for you, like it or not!" This kiddo was apparently quite the opposite. I made my daughter a turkey and cheese sandwich and asked her what she would like. She complained and started combing my fridge and pantry. "You can just make me mac and cheese I guess," she shrugged. I said, "Well no, that's the last box we have and I'm not making a separate meal for just you. We're having sandwiches. Would you like turkey and cheese? Salami and cheese? Peanut butter and jelly?" "Just cheese," she said. "Oh like a grilled cheese sandwich," I asked her to clarify. "No just slices of cheese." I sighed. "Okay." I plated two slices of mild cheddar on the plate and she ate half of one slice, said she was full and wanted dessert. Nope. Maybe at your house kid. She ended the lunch with "I mean that cheese was gross anyway." 

It ended up being more "shut ups" and rudeness for the remainder of the play date and after she threw a tantrum and was sent home I talked to my daughter. I told her I'm not so sure we could have her over anymore. My daughter asked why and I told her that I didn't like the way she spoke to her and the way she made her feel after they were together.

I noticed that after their play dates my daughter would become rude and whiny. She would talk about being better than other kids and taller, smarter and bigger. I didn't like it. She would complain more and listen less, like looking up to this kid who kept making an example of what older and better looked like, was her only example. 

This was about 6 months ago and honestly we've been so busy that having her over just became less and less possible, so it was dropped from being an issue. My daughter sees her at school though and says she's nicer now. She's been asking to play with her.

Here's my thing: it's not my place or my responsibility to parent this kid. I can't force her to act in the way that I want my child to act. I can't make her be kind, thoughtful and respectful. And I also have no idea what she's going through at home so me being the "mean mom" serves no one. But when another kid is just mean and malicious to my daughter? I lose my nice filter and I want to put the little shit bag in her place. Excuse the language but just thinking about the behavior ticks me off.

These are the things no one tells you about in the parenting books. My husband says I should talk to her parents to which I quickly snap, "You go to talk to her parents!" Because I'm a mature adult like that. 

How do you have a conversation like that? "Hey your kid is kind of an asshole, sorry!" Plus, this is just my Mama bear opinion. Maybe they think Luna is an asshole! My kid might be a handful, but I'm a biased mother that assumes her child is perfect except when she's testing my boundaries. That's motherhood, right?

So I just let things fizzle. I mean how involved in their lives should I be? Where is the overstepping of boundaries. On the one hand maybe she has grown up a bit and they can play better together. On the other, do I put myself in a position to let her more or less bully my daughter again if that is what it comes to? So here comes more of the balancing act, another subject not even remotely covered in parenting books.

My newest idea is to reach out and invite her back over, but only let them play here under my strict supervision. Perhaps only when my husband and I are both home, so that we can better balance the situation. Besides, over with this kid's grandmother my daughter eats more junk in an hour than she does in a week. Yeah I was that kid too, but my mom never stepped in and did anything! I am not going to be THAT mom. 

So here I am, letting Luna have a play date with one of my favorite children, not this other kid yet, while I'm writing this out and mulling it over, while I'm finding my balance and bearings with it all. They don't cover this in the books and they romanticize so much of parenting in all television and movies, or make it into satire so you can't actually say, "Yes I completely relate."

This is the part of parenting that I hate. It's uncomfortable to talk about, write about and to deal with. It makes you feel like a bad mom, and kind of a not so great person. It makes you question how horrible you are in actuality. Am I completely horrible or like a normal amount of horrible? Those are not fun questions.

Please send me a copy of the parenting book that helps you deal with asshole kids and their parents. Or perhaps this is my calling to write one, because it feels really unfair. We all parent differently and every single child is different and we are all a product of our environment. I barely even attribute myself as being a "good mom" so I certainly have no right to call out any other parents. I just do my best to protect my kid. I'm doing what I can.

I'm sure this will warrant another installment. I have no doubt in fact. But for now, I hope that some other parent reads this and can either send along advice, or thinks "Damn, I'm so glad I'm not the only one." One small step for me in motherhood, one giant step for me trying to be less horrible in general. 

I shall write more as things progress. Happy Sunday!