Vacation Bliss and Sick Daze: Whirlwind Unwound

Well, it's been awhile. I'm welcoming myself back into things as I type. Where have I been? Well, with the exception of a great trip, I have been nowhere awesome. In fact, I had been so ill last week I just couldn't pull it together to write, but I'm back and rebuilding in every which way to finish this year strong.

We had driven from left coast Florida to Hilton Head Island South Carolina for a Savannah, Georgia wedding and had a trip that caused my best friend to text me and tell me to do whatever it was we were doing more, so that the joy captured on my face was there way more often.

We had fun at the beach, we did some learning about the area, we went to a petting zoo, played a round of mini golf, we got treats galore! We were living our best lives as the cool kids say. We weren't breaking the bank, which was beyond amazing for us, too. That allowed for more relaxation in fact.

After a great family weekend with one minor speed bump, which now in retrospect is so telling it's almost creepy, I came home to one of the nastiest illnesses I have ever experienced.

Our last night we went to a restaurant my husband wanted to try. Full disclosure, I really don't enjoy going out to dinner. Breakfast out is a dream, lunches I can handle, but dinner with a 6 year old out, is like a race against time before she's done and you just want to relax and get your money's worth.

First I ordered a peach bellini, thinking it would be one way and it came out with more pulp than all of Florida's orange juice. I don't send things back. I also major in passive aggression. I will not complain and I don't want conflict. My husband is Mr. Restaurant Man and encouraged me to send it back, so I did. It was not an easy thing and actually caused a bit of a strain between us because I can get a little high strung in those situations and often over-stress it. 

When we ordered I tried to be adventurous and when I got my food it was lacking. After the humiliation and strain of the drink send back I didn't want to make another fuss and be "that customer" of the evening. The cole slaw on my tacos tasted weird, so I made the hubby try it. I said, is it like "bad" or a flavor that I'm not into? He said it was fine, I grinned and finished up, we headed to ice cream. For ice cream I ordered a blue cookie monster thing and then made everyone laugh at my blue tongue, blue lips and blue teeth to lighten the evening. We walked off the food and returned for the last night in the condo. I hit the hot tub for all of 10 minutes but then started to feel off.

I will admit that I'm that person who has physical trouble on her travels, meaning, my body gets off its normal schedule, if you get what I mean. In new places with unreliable bathroom use, my body gets tense and tends to stay that way until nature has it's way and wins. My husband made me a probiotic tea at the first mention of my tummy being off. It seemed to get some things feeling better. I slept. We got up early to see the sun rise before the long day in the car.

I was not even kind of hungry. I just wanted coffee. The coffee seemed to help the second act of whatever my tummy was going through. I didn't have solid food until 11AM and started with crackers. Then my husband and I shared some chicken salad. It wasn't until we were 2 hours from home I finally caved and got fast food. I got Taco Bell and at the time it was amazing and gave me the push through for the final stretch. However, as soon we were home and comfy I started to feel even more off. And so it began.

I will spare you the gory details, this is not that kind of blog, but let's just say my body was rebelling against either, dinner the night before, or the cheesy gordita crunch or all of the above. I had more tea and more calming food and still, things were leaving my body swiftly and I was having the most intense stomach cramps I have ever experienced. As the night went on it was coupled with fever and chills and long showers and midday naps weren't cutting it. I called into work Monday, with no choice but to rest. I got a weird second wind Monday and changed our sheets, convincing myself I would be fine the next day after all the extra sleep, and a bowl of pasta. 

Monday night was another sleepless night but I was going to work, come hell or high water. I hit the grocery store for reserves after rolling out of bed, taking a long shower, throwing on clothes, resting in bed another 10 minutes and then pulling it together enough to get myself to the store and the office. I got to the office 20 minutes early and napped in my car. I just had to make it to lunch I told myself.

I was on a steady diet of ginger ale, gatorade, water, and all I wanted was applesauce. I had cheese as the secondary option for protein. On my lunch I took a car nap then woke up violently needing to hit the bathroom. I started to have horrible cramping to the point where I felt faint, and then another ugly symptom came up and that's when I called in the hubby. He told me it was time to leave work, and go to urgent care, enough was enough.

My bosses were fine with me leaving early and I made it to urgent care in about 30 minutes. They warned me of a two hour wait. It only took me about 30 minutes before I got to a room, and my husband came to join me later. When the doctor came in, I had left out some important and gross symptoms my husband filled in for him, and apparently I warranted one injection and 2 prescriptions.

I was uncomfortable and in an haze. Ironically the shot was administered through none other than my butt and a very young, attractive woman who was a nurse practitioner had to see my old pale rear end to give me my injection to feel better. I will say my color came back quickly and I was released to go home and rest. The residual migraine stayed with me and off I went to get better. I had to take Wednesday off as well.

On Wednesday while the meds were working their magic I felt very spacey, almost high. I watched all the things on "the big TV," I normally wouldn't be allowed to if the kid were home. I tried to stay up all day so I could sleep well that night. I wasn't allowed to work out while I was on the meds and my husband check in on me that I was just resting and trying to get in some calories.

I had lost about 6 lbs in 2 days. Most women would jump for joy. I'm not even kind of "most women." This was killing me. I wanted my body back. I missed things like coffee, having any kind of appetite, wanting real food or meat and not having to go to the bathroom after every meal. I missed not feeling so thirsty and feeling like I actually knew my body. I felt like my body was just rebelling like "how could you!?" 

It wasn't until exactly a week later, last night, that I could eat at normal capacity. This morning was my first cup of coffee in over a week. After all of this, after everything, I realize how important it is to take care of myself in more ways than one. After I went to urgent care my daughter said "Mom, it was not a good idea for you to go to work this morning!" She wasn't wrong.

On the one hand, showing my make-up-less struggling, slightly smelly self was proof that I was actually not okay. On the other, it did me no favors. I was stupid grateful for my husband and daughter being supportive. I was also grateful the dog gave me endless healing cuddles. My bosses were amazing, with no guilt, and that helped me heal as well. 

This morning was my first workout back and I had to take it slow. I'm usually the last one to go after western medicine as the healing but I couldn't wait it out, and now I'm back to finish this year off and here is where I'm idling:

I can only do what I can with what is before me. This year has been one of healing and growth and we have made some serious moves in our family life and personal lives. It's been really hard. I've had to admit some stuff about my life, my family and myself that I don't want to. I've had to face some old traumas. I've had to grow UP.  Next year will be more of that.

I'm here and lucky to be here with the family that is mine and the good health I have. It is my job to make the most of the time I have on this planet. There will continue to be good days and bad days, vacation bliss and sick days and life's whirlwind may wind me up and keep me spinning but I just need to keep my focal point so as not to lose my balance.

I plan on finishing this year of blogging as intended and I'm not sure what 2020 will look like for writing. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read along and will be working on new topics this week and through the holidays. I'm back in action and hope to not be knocked down any time again soon!

Wear And Tear

I tend to write my best stuff when I'm going through some of my most volatile emotions and life questions. Today I'm feeling the wear and tear of things. For any Sex and the City fans, if you recall Charlotte getting all worked up in the shower about things in her marriage and sex life and having to bow to the whims of others, I'm feeling that sentiment hardcore today.

This won't be a complaining diatribe about how everyone sucks. Every relationship has the give and the take. Everything is accommodation, expectation adjustment and compromise. Every so often though, I just get worked up Charlotte style and feel as though I want to quit on life and hide.

Today's frustration is born of mostly work-related things, but considering this is still the best job I've ever had, I tread lightly. See the thing is, I have the trait of being hyper-organized, if I'm being totally transparent. It's something I come into naturally, and it is often used at the advantage of everyone, and at my wits end. 

I arrange the play dates, I plan the birthday parties, I invite the people, I gather friends for dinner. I set the times for moms night out, I book the flights, I restock the house of necessities, I wash and fold the laundry. I organize the school papers, I figure out carpool issues, I book the hotels, VRBOs, arrange the sitters and schedule family photos. It's exhausting actually. But whatever, I'm a planner.

Because of this attribute, it is impressioned upon me that I adopt the plans of others and effectively become a physical google-reminder notification in some cases. I'm the one that checks in, harasses kindly but just to the point of obnxiousness, and puts together every damned life event, or so it feels today.

If we are invited to a wedding, I do all the research on where and book the place to stay and how to get there, and I make sure everyone has proper fitting attire, I get the shower gift, the wedding gift and ensure that we arrive on time. If we host a dinner, I will do the bulk of the shopping, arrange the timing, kid food, activities and make sure the house is spotless.

This isn't to say I'm a one woman show. The husband cooks and helps often, but as far as taking the forefront on arranging? That will always be my "thing." I don't know if he even has the sitter's phone number and he's never asked her to babysit. That is always me. I am commissioned to solve the lack of planning ability of others and work around it, and it tests me to no end.

This morning was a reiteration of yesterday of the reach out, no response, the follow up because I needed a timely response, yet was still left with no response. Finally I had to call and the first question I got was, "Why did you wait so long to call?" Can you feel my eyes roll through the blog? Two texts and an email, and the call was the last ditch effort and then I'm asked why the call wasn't first? My question is...why must I chase what I need to facilitate my day?

Have you ever felt like your world is just pure chaos of the whims of others? I feel the wear and tear of this often. Some days I wear it like a cape and it makes me super-mom or epic wife and best friend to all. Other days I have my selfish narcissistic moment of ,"Well what about me?"

My time with my husband is always on his days off. My mom helping me with anything is almost always by her schedule and not mine. And like a fantastic doormat, or a typical Rachel move, I just work around it. There's a weird line between being flexible and being a pushover.

I don't feel "preyed upon" for my pushover status but I truly feel as though, after going through such long periods of time feeling unheard or having what I was saying misunderstood or downplayed, I just became so quiet that I started saying "yes" to avoid the conflict or explanation of why I said "no."

Just a year ago I was in this weird place where I was volunteering a lot. There were a handful of times where I could say with confidence I actually got something out of it, but mostly I noticed how much disarray there was with logistics and the events were rarely kid friendly. It became this huge stress and burden for me. There were times when I was expected to participate and I'd drive to the next county over and then find out I wasn't needed or there wasn't a place for me. It was doing a number on me mentally. That's when I had to learn the art of boundaries.

It has taken me years in therapy to get this whole boundaries thing. Sometimes I am clear as day with the boundaries stuff and I still am pushed over. It's takes it's mental toll and there you have that wear and tear factor again.

Sometimes it wears on me that I have to be so proactive or overactive in relationships and social things just to maintain them. Sometimes it tears me apart how hard I work with little feedback. On the other hand, boy does it completely alter my perspective in a positive direction for recognizing the people in my life that repair rather than wear and tear.

I have friends that are just healing forces. They completely share the give and take and make our friendship work well. But I can't lie, they aren't all that way, and that's actually okay. Not only do these exchanges give me lessons in boundaries, but I have gone through life phases were I couldn't muster the give and take, and I wasn't the best reciprocate-er either. 

The wear and tear of feeling so responsible for arranging the "stuff" of others can vary. I've had my low down, hateful days filled with swear words and anger about why is it MY problem and why is it MY fault and why is it MY responsibility? Sometimes it can feel dark and hopeless holding onto that internal ultimatum of if I don't do it, who will? Such as, if I don't text that person, they probably won't text me and if they won't text me are we still even friends? Or if I don't set up play dates then the kid won't have play dates and if the kid doesn't have play dates, she'll be grouchy and take it out on me. It can turn into a weird and vicious mental cycle, fast.

Wear and tear is normal. We all have good and bad days. I've definitely been more aware of what it all culminates to, however. Yesterday my anxieties around communication left me hangry and irritable. This morning's exchange had a similar flare up. My antidote is blogging, getting lost in work, and many many reminders that low expectations and taking everything as it comes is all I can do.

Sometimes you have to be the alarm for your husband. Sometimes you have to shop with your mom for things for the granddaughter when it is insanely inconvenient for you. Sometimes you have to do extra for a friend, even if they might not return the favor, but because that's just who you are as a friend. It's all within the wear and tear of this thing called LIFE. A dresser might have some chips on it but it still holds the clothes, so it's still functional and essentially fulfilling it's purpose. Perhaps this can be my alliteration for today to push me though. Heck it might even work for you too!

The First Day After The Vacay Post

After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.

Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings. 

This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.

My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.

I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.

I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.

Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."

I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.

My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"

Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.

I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.

I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.

Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"

At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home. 

Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it. 

My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!

This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.

I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!

The Betterment

July has been brutal. I don't mean hot, although sure it's be hot. I don't mean brutal like "bad." We have just been busy non-stop and it flew by so fast. Wasn't yesterday just the 4th? How is summer almost over?

I was texting with a friend last night, needing to catch up because so many little things have fallen through the cracks, especially with vacation prep, and we were doing our normal "how are things going," routine and she specifically asked about the hubby.

Yesterday he had mowed the yard, and mowed the neighbor's too because they have been kind to us that way, and helped an elderly neighbor with their trash bin, all while hosting the neighbor girl for a play date, making me some dinner and getting other chores done too. Last weekend when I had the kids with us, he brought me coffee often, he helped where and when he could, and he was nice even if I wasn't so receptive in that exact moment.

I relayed some of that to her and she says, "It seems like things have been going better this year." I stopped and read it and reread it a bit. Better. Things were better. Betterment. We had entered into some betterment.

A year ago this time we went back to Oregon for the first time together in years. There was a lot of anxiety about the trip and I was mentally struggling, but I was also adamant to make the most out of our first ever dual paid vacation off. When we returned I felt like maybe we could really make things better. That's when a little speed bump in the road of life seemingly left us a flat tire and no cell service. We weren't better, just yet.

After one last bad, bad situation, one last storm of epic proportion, finally a rainbow had appeared. It's been a work in progress. It has been one step, one day at a time. It has been anything but easy and I still move forward, cautiously optimistic. I will say that I feel we are on the right track after it all. We are getting better, bit by bit.

I became really good at struggling. I found my coping mechanisms, my deflections, and my ways to survive, but I didn't like being in that place. I became very much able to handle the storm. I learned to stuff everything down and swallow it so it wouldn't affect anyone but me. This was not a solution, it was just pure survival mode.

When you start learning about trauma, what trauma actually is, and paint-by-numbering your own experiences with it, things can get murky, and then somehow clear. This process is enlightening and frustrating all at once, in my personal experience at least.

I had to throw out my self-sabotage and survival modes and learn about self love and self care. I'm still working on that, even today. I had to find ways to trust again without destroying my intuition and past experiences, invalidating them. I had to learn to accept my flaws and embrace them, also a day to day process.

I had to learn to communicate and speak up, which can still feel uncomfortable at times. Last weekend with extra kiddos my husband and I had a momentary altercation. My exhaustion and maternal instinct kicked in hardcore and while he said he would take care of things, I undermined him and over-spoke because I was so maxed out, I couldn't properly communicate with him and listen or let him in.

I caught myself and apologized. I admitted what I did was crappy and unfair and we didn't have it drag on through the day as this cloud of being annoyed with each other. It passed immediately and was freeing. This was an affirmation of the betterment.

It's the smallest signs of the betterment that I need and love the most. It's the surprise cups of coffee, those favorite dinners ready when I get home. It's the garage being reorganized or a trip to the store done so I don't have to. When you are so used to carrying everything yourself and then your partner helps, it's a new kind of luxury and renewed kind of comfort.

Sometimes I don't want to admit that things were so bad so as to warrant this betterment but lately I have been more conscious of enjoying the journey and being extremely grateful for where we are on the path. Sometimes those sentiments are not simple or easy but more often than not, they are there, I just have to pay attention.

This is the first time in a long time I'm going on a trip and I have good things to report. I can say with confidence that things are generally "okay" and not have some subconscious voice call me out for faking it until I make it. I can be at ease, which honestly makes me feel slightly uneasy just typing that.

Life is difficult. It is stressful. It is so frustrating at times. But we do only actually live once so we gotta make the best of it. Marriage is hard, and anyone who says differently might actually be insane. Parenthood is difficult, rewarding, and maddening simultaneously. When you feel engulfed in the depressive and anxious ways that can take over when life gives you lemons, you're prone to just let them rot rather than making that lemonade stuff as the saying goes. Although I think making that lemonade and adding a little sugar, or extra sugar if necessary, that is the start of the betterment.

With all the cliches and metaphors I hope you find yourself nearing betterment. Or if you're in a rough spot, remember that the betterment can happen. That may be easy to forget! For now, I plan to enjoy my betterment, perhaps with a cold glass of lemonade!

Reflection Week 2019

If I had to make a summation of this week at a glance, it would be "good." My default response to all the "How are you?," questions these days is, "No complaints." I say this because I'm coming off of spending years as a complainer. The whole idea that I have broken through a bunch of things, has kicked me into high gear reflection lately and this weak has been especially reflective. Therefore it has so been dubbed Reflection Week 2019.

I got honest with a friend via text about my inner dialogue. I talk myself INTO and OUT OF a lot, regularly and daily. It can be simple like "Oh I should get new shoes for that wedding, nah I can just wear those black heels, why waste money" to, "I really need to make time to be a better mom because I get so tired and I don't think I spend enough quality time with my daughter." It can feel frenzied and it can feel maddening but it is part of my anxiety and I manage it as I can.

My husband had a bad day the other day. It was your normal, run of the mill, nothing going quite right day. When he reached out to me just needing to vent, I said, "Hey we all have these days and you learn to manage them better as you get more comfy in your mind and your anxieties, why do you think I work out so much?" He made a silly comment but I told him that working out helps me manage my anxiety and mood so I can feel less physical reactions to my mental upsets and I can better rationalize my inner dialogue. Somehow working out slows down my mind.

My husband did not take this as some "Get fit, get a grip on anxiety," motivational speech I think it just helped him understand more. We are working on that a lot, more understanding. It can be weird to explain to people honestly, but he gets me...mostly.

Other reflections include friendships, relationships, life, family and all the things really. I don't mean this to sound as though I'm sitting quietly meditating about growth, perspective and such, I'm just saying that I've been paying better attention to how far things have come in general.

Sometimes it is hard for me to embrace the good. I feel as though I can handle the chaos, crises and struggle the best, but often the calm and easygoing cause me to become more unhinged. Call it a product of past trauma but admitting that about myself has to be at least something.

Reflecting on the friendship stuff this week has been an emotional roller-coaster. I have had moments of wanting to "cave" and initiate the check in with someone and then just reminding myself that I already tried once or twice and must leave the ball in their court for response or reciprocation and just keep sending them the good vibes of wellness and prosperity.

Creating boundaries is anything but simple. Some boundaries are clear and others feel foggy so finding my way around all of that can be overwhelming but I do what I can. I was invited to something I could not afford this week. It was with wonderful people but it was at a place I'm not so crazy about and I knew between a babysitter and what I would spend being out, it was just not affordable, so I said I couldn't do it. Rather than talk about being broke or not wanting to go to that restaurant, I just said I didn't have a sitter and left it at that. It just wasn't good timing and I'm being fiscally cautious with vacation coming up.

What was interesting for me is that I didn't feel badly about saying no. Usually I feel guilty and like I'm being a drama queen but this time I just embraced it. I'd rather be home unwinding from the week then out dropping $50+ on sub-par food and entertainment, no matter how much I enjoy the company. I've become picky lately about where I'm putting my time, money and energy and it feels more and more okay the more I stand my ground.

In reflection this week I realize I'm less angry. My resentments are being handled more delicately. I'm starting to open up a bit more. I'm guarded in a more positive way, rather than negative way and I'm managing my shame, embarrassment and upset about things in a more constructive way. I'm navigating my traumas at my own pace and I like that.

I had a recent realization about triggers, which is that now that I'm fully enmeshed in the healing process, the triggers between my husband and I and even my child, are going to be coming up and we need to try and negotiate them as a family or at least voice, "Hey that's a weird trigger," so we can handle them better. 

In affirming to close friends where I am on this journey, and revealing slowly more and more about how dark, frustrating and uncomfortable it has all been, it has generally been received well that I'm honest about where I am in the process. Just a handful of years ago I was a mess and barely functioning. I may still have a bad day like that, but now I can better articulate what's actually going on. 

Watching my husband grow and heal, face some demons and just find his footing has been intense. What began as "proceed with caution," is more and more becoming just being impressed with the steps and strides he is taking and has taken. When you live in a place of "Oh that could never happen," or "I just have to accept x,y,z" and you watch those negative constructs being crushed in healing empowerment, you can't help but smile and have a weird sense of being proud of the time and effort put into the growth.

Ironically during my mental, emotional and spiritual reflection, my body has been having a hard time pushing through physical hurdles. You win some, you lose some. How I choose to handle these frustrations say more about where I am than anything else, I feel.

I'm well aware life has it's ups and downs and bad things still happen but considering our last handful of years, I'd like to think of those as "the dark times," and continue on into some sunshine. Moreover in Reflection Week 2019, I like knowing that we've started moving in the right direction, and that we are working as a family unit. On my bad days I worry that this will all drop from under me, or that I'll find a way to screw it up but on my good days I am grateful for the lessons, the journey, the struggles and the little wins that remind me that we're doing better than we think we are. 

I'm not a "Yay I'm finally happy," kind of person. I had a conversation with a friend that has had some similar stress and trauma to mine and I reminded her that there will always be phases of struggle but half the battle is how you approach it. I said, sometimes you need to be angry and upset and sad to get through it and she could just know that yeah, maybe I have no idea of what and how she is feeling but at least I could remind her that she wasn't alone. We both kind of agreed that the world needs more of that.

There were so many times over the past few years I wish instead of being given advice or being told what I should be doing, that someone would have just sat next to me and said, "That sucks but I'm here for you." We feel alone too much anymore, and that is the worst feeling when you're surrounded by people. I think that's why I stopped being a complainer. Not only did it bring the wrong type of energy into my space, but it serves no purpose. Why complain about something when you can work on it? That was my "Ah-ha," moment.

I have a friend that I never actually see. We get together maybe once a year as she lives a good 90 minutes away. We went through a rough phase where both of us were just in bad spots in our lives and we text each other daily just how much everything sucked. We felt empowered by both of us suffering together; it was that whole "misery loves company" mentality. It kept me in a downward spiral for a very, very long time. It was not helpful, in fact it inadvertently just made my depression and anxiety worse. It wasn't until earlier this year when I stepped outside of myself and watch the effects of these interactions, saw what it did to me, and what it turned me into that I was like "Whoa, never again, no thank you."

We don't talk and text that way any more. She seems happier and so do I, it has been noted. It's not because we were bad for each other, we were just using our kinship for the negative instead of bringing each other into a more positive place. We had to grow separately for a bit. We had to heal apart and find our tribes.

So to end Reflection Week 2019 on a decent note, I would say I'm completely a work in progress. Some days I'm a mess. Some days I'm so with it. Everything is in flux, but I feel better equipped to taking it all on. If you are in a dark space, I encourage you to reach out to anyone you can trust. It will be uncomfortable, but feeling alone already can so I ask that you give it a try. Feel free to reach out to me too as I'm more than happy to share more on a personal, less blog-worthy basis.

When Your Priorities Change

Priorities change, in my opinion, most naturally when you enter parenthood. Priorities can change, violently when you become a mom, or so was my personal experience. This is usually coined as maternal instinct. Your priorities then change when you begin adulting more. You want a house, a newer car, furniture sets. You need a stable job, you want salary, paid vacations and so on and so forth. Your priorities change.

Everyone has this happen at difference paces and stages. They shift often in life, and that is okay. Recently I acknowledged the largest shift I've felt in awhile and instead of feeling some kind of shame or resentment, it is a welcome, pretty organic shift. 

The tales of my drinking days are legendary mostly because I was that drunken girl that always made a fool out of myself. I told my best friend's girlfriend at the time that I really hated her, and then she had to redress me and she slept next to me because I was so intoxicated when I was 19. Those days are long gone, let me tell you. What does my crazy drinking night look like now? A cocktail or a glass of wine with a great meal, two drinks if I'm about to get insane. This happens maybe twice a month.

Drinking just isn't a thing in my life, in our lives, anymore. We don't keep any alcohol in the house and we never go out. And if we splurge on treats? They are dessert based. 

This shift doesn't bother me. It offered slightly stressful admissions and confrontations in the past but now, it just feels good. It doesn't register to me to want or need some kind of drink to take an edge off. Okay, maybe tea or coffee. It also doesn't feel like a necessity to have at a dinner table, it is usually about with whom I share my company. 

There are days where I might want a nice cold beer from a favorite brewery, but I never want to spend my time or money that way when we're having fun at home, or doing something else. There are bad nights where I wish I could unwind with a glass of wine, but then I could wake with a headache or hangover and ruin the next day if I don't drink enough water. It's not worth the trip to get the wine and then wrestle with the bottle. Bring on the SleepyTime tea!

Your priorities can change all over the place and often, but not all of them will feel like a positive shift. When I was in darker places mentally, my priorities did include drinking for distraction, being out to avoid being home, and spending like I had something to prove. These all have contributed to the current shift, and are other reasons why I feel such affirmation this round.

I like that my world no longer revolves around that as a social thing. I'd much prefer breakfast and an epic cup of coffee anyway. I'd rather indulge in dessert than "get drunk." Chocolate wasted is even better!

I've started to pay close attention to what I like to invest my time in, and what I don't. I am quick to embrace routines and keep up with them, but I struggle with letting go of my comfort zones.

Friend and The Office are my in the background, mentally exhausted, "comfort food," binge shows. If I don't know what to watch or how to deal, they are just on a loop. I hang in my bed a lot and ration chores more instead of taking them all on. I know I need to better prioritize my self care. It's on my list, and I'm a work in progress so, I'll get there.

Once I establish my routine, breaking it can be rough and often comes with many contingency plans. For example, I go to a spin class with a neighbor as her guest and I always have a backup plan for a workout in case something comes up and she won't be able to go with me. Having multiple options for how things play out are important to me anymore. It's a close as "go with the flow," and I can get, so I do my best!

When your priorities change it is my most humble opinion, that you are in some periods of transition. These can be good or bad transitions, in my experience, but shifts nonetheless. When I change my priorities it helps me shift my outlook, my attitude and can alleviate my anxiety. This is huge.

I've been incredibly focused on the mental health and growth of my immediate family being my, husband, daughter and even dog. And myself, yes, myself. With that comes a lot of renewed takes on outlooks, attitude adjustments and navigating my nagging anxiety.

As I've changed my priorities, moving them closer to home, my anxiety has been far more manageable and this is a huge win for me, so I keep nursing this progress gently. I've had to protect my well being more and take a step back from questionable situations, friendships and circumstances, but all for the better. 

Priority changes don't really just happen overnight. They are more so goals. If you want to go out less and save more, it's a day to day plan and determination. If your priority is making sure your child can enroll in fall sports, maybe you forego weekly coffee or coupon more. If your priority is more concentrated time with your hubby maybe you turn off your phone for awhile when you're together. It all takes energy and purpose.

However it all works for you, could be completely different than my experience but I welcome anyone to share. Life is busy and crazy but it seems to me that if your priorities match the mania, you'll fair well in the end. I can always report back, especially if my experience is the opposite!