As we are gearing up on our first legit road trip as a family, I've been combing the pantry for things to pack. One thing I hate, is buying extra stuff you don't need, when you could have just brought some home supplies so I'm over-preparing, over-packing and overly doing all the things. As I was pantry poaching I found some things that needed attention as about to expire or expired but just recently so still edible.
There was a huge can of pumpkin that needed attention. And this the season for pumpkin spice everything so pumpkin bread was happening. I had the large can of Libby's Pumpkin so, 4 loaves were happening and hubby brought home the few small items I needed to complete the task. Now I'm bloated on pumpkin bread and sending away loaves left and right so I don't become an actual pumpkin. With the baking all day, however, came all the insight.
Yesterday I admitted out loud that my family is "the poorest," of our friends. I don't say this as we are actually poor or going without, but compared to our friends, we have lesser financial freedoms and luxuries. I didn't say this in a mean, or sad or "pity us," way. In fact, I said it in an embracing way.
This has all come to light in proximity to our trip. We are staying about an hour away from all others migrating for our friends' wedding, because it was about $50 a night cheaper and we can't afford to try and keep up with everyone else in party mode. While we had a blast in NYC and PA, I learned quite a lesson about our travel mode: less is way more.
In NYC we saw very little and our daughter was more obsessed with The Subway, Central Park and just saying "I was in NYC," than taking in any of the epic things there. We were extremely well entertained and taken care of, but mostly she was just happy hanging out and taking it all in. We didn't need to do all the "stuff."
I also learned that we need a home base crash pad that is NOT a hotel. Hotels are fabulous but overpriced for a place with no kitchen, no readily available food, and no real space. We were lucky enough to stay with my best friend in PA and not only was she the hostess with the "mostess," but she gave us a place to play, rest, keep food and water, do laundry, and just "be" in between visits and mini golf and all the other things.
For this trip, the far away booking of the condo with indoor outdoor pool on Hilton Head Island, was based on price and mileage. I found out about a month ago how long it would take us to get to and from the wedding venue panicked that the hubby would be annoyed. Instead he seemed more excited to be away from it all.
The wedding is in Savannah. When you Google Savannah all the gorgeous images come up. The brick streets, the parks, ghost tours, the history, the food. After our NYC experience, I made the decision not to torture myself with dragging the child all over to restaurants and experiences she didn't care about, which made our destination to stay even more appealing for the wedding trip.
On the one hand we'll be away from friends, but as the poorest of the friend group, I am breathing easier knowing I don't have to go to expensive restaurants, not be able to enjoy anything because I'm obsessing about the costs, and then trying to keep up with everyone for what to do. In Hilton Head we can make breakfast, dinner or sandwiches to take with us, or maybe grab some food at a cheap local place that won't make us stress.
We don't drink. I don't stay up very late. A vacation should be about family time, and a reboot, and keeping up with any other expectations of what it should be, is no longer a "thing," to me. If we get asked why we stayed so far? Easy, we couldn't afford to be in Savannah city proper and we found a place more suited to our needs in a different area of interest. If we get asked why we aren't going to do all the things and eat at all the places? Easy, we can't afford that kind of stuff. We'll hit the beach, the park, a new preserve, and maybe splurge for ice cream later.
The expiration of the pantry items was like a call to action for "make something or waste something." It dawned on me that this upcoming trip was a call to action for "make the best use of this time for what works for you, and forget the expectations of others."
I'm sure other people don't carry the weight of this stuff on them as I do, but if you even slightly do, you'll know exactly what I mean. Expired pantry items bother me because I put money into those and we didn't use them in a timely manner or properly utilize them. Expectations are the same in that you put your hopes, ideas and scenarios into something and when you don't utilize the time you have, poof it's gone and you leave disappointed with the final product.
The difference is, I'm ready to hit the expiration date of my expectations. No more of that crap needs to weigh me down. I'm not always ready to just toss things from the pantry. Some dates have more wiggle room!
As I have a two day work week in front of me, I'm embracing these ideas and many others. As I'm packing and planning and handling vacation expectations, I'm just ready to be with my family a bit.
Tomorrow will be my last post of this week and I'll come back with stories galore next Monday!
Showing posts with label personal finances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal finances. Show all posts
Monday, October 7, 2019
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Emotional Smog Intake
Last night I had a meltdown. It was quiet and over something seemingly fixable, stupid and ridiculous. Last night I felt the emotional eruption that would leave dust, smoke and smog and I was fighting for air.
Have you ever had to take in so much from "the other" that you've left no room for anything of your own? This other could be a friend, a sister, a cousin, a husband, a kid, a neighbor, whomever. Have you ever had to take in all of the stuff and then figure out where to put it but you come out just feeling depleted and without storage capacity? This happened to me last night.
Refreshingly when I explained my tears and tantrum to my husband he said, "Okay, I can see how that could be taxing." It just kind of took me over. Remember that epic cartoon movie Ferngully? Remember Hexxus?
Have you ever had to take in so much from "the other" that you've left no room for anything of your own? This other could be a friend, a sister, a cousin, a husband, a kid, a neighbor, whomever. Have you ever had to take in all of the stuff and then figure out where to put it but you come out just feeling depleted and without storage capacity? This happened to me last night.
Refreshingly when I explained my tears and tantrum to my husband he said, "Okay, I can see how that could be taxing." It just kind of took me over. Remember that epic cartoon movie Ferngully? Remember Hexxus?
Yeah it was like that. Where just this dark emotional, pollution of smog just came in and knocked me right out.
It didn't come out in the midst of the multiple exchanges I had that have now been identified as triggering. Like secondhand smoke it came in small increments but throughout the day, consistently. It was like, I'd get close to a mental wall, then regroup, then get hear a higher spiky wall, regroup and then a wall with a moat, then regroup but finally I was like "I can't do this."
What couldn't I do? I couldn't order take out food. I lost it when I inadvertently messed up my order, overpaid or was overcharged, whatever, and then came home to my super-husband handling our puking first grader himself, in an attempt to give me a calm, happy evening.
Everything mentally collapsed in front of me and came down to "I just wanted a burrito bowl and I can't even order that! I've been dying to try this place and I'm so hangry, I'm stressed about spending on this, money is tight and I just can't deal!" Yes all of that, from a big emotional fog.
I paint myself as a good friend, good listener and someone there for you. I can do that for people, and like being a reliable support system. That isn't to say that everyone doesn't have limitations. I was definitely unaware I could hit all of mine in one day.
First there was the mom guilt of needing to be home for the sick kiddo but hubby was off anyway, and he assured me that he could handle it just fine. Then there is the money worries and budget, which just sets in ANY TIME I BUY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T A "need." Add into that the emotional intake of all others and just me being anxious, and I had run myself into empty.
My husband was actually rational and kind about how the whole day ended up, which was better than what I had envisioned. I was still able to get some sleep but I'm definitely feeling hazy today.
It's such a weird thing. I was so intent on listening and I have heard things so closely but so much of what I've heard hasn't been things to take "lightly" so to speak. Life is heavy. I desperately try to operate with no judgment but sometimes, I gotta say, I kinda wanted to scream a bit. Everyone has their trauma, their struggles and their ongoing battles, but we have to remain open and grateful.
I'll admit I still wrestle with that whole "listen not to just wait to speak" thing where you have to actively listen rather than just wait your turn to talk thing. Yesterday it was all listening and less and less being heard when already feeling maxed out in the unheard department, that when I wasn't heard "quite properly" for the food order, the smog filled my lungs and make me cry in frustration.
When my daughter was complaining about not feeling good I asked her if something else was going on and she admitted to me that she was stressed about having a new job in her classroom. Of course now I know that her little immune system was seriously struggling but she was definitely feeling the stress of change. She gets this from me. I always physically feel all my mentalities fighting it out.
While I'm navigating all of this, shakily, with blurred vision and desperate for more rest and reboot I've come to the conclusion that I really need to be more self-preservative. I really need to keep those boundaries in place. This whole "incident" wasn't anyone's fault or completely avoidable, but it sure was quite a reality check. While I feel fortunate that I recognize this all, and have some more support than I'd anticipated, boy did it shift some perspective.
I think I'll be working through this for awhile. I'm sure the whole thing will be blogged out and thought out in one way or another. Happy Wednesday readers!
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
The Budget Bawl
I just had an overwhelming, overtaking, quick-to-dry, full on cry. It's not a bad day, it's not that I'm in a funk, it's because I had to meticulously go over the budget. Math makes me cry sometimes, I swear. This is probably some weird disorder with a creepy name about math giving you meltdowns, or maybe subconsciously I just felt the weight of everything whilst doing said math, and the frustration popped right on outta my tear ducts.
I've recently had to make amends with the fact that my trauma is starting to play peek-a-boo. It has made some unscheduled cameo appearances, and some of it is weird stuff. When you've lived fight or flight for half a decade just trying not to freak out on a co-worker or cry in public to get through the day, and then you start to heal, shit gets real and really weird.
I've recently had to make amends with the fact that my trauma is starting to play peek-a-boo. It has made some unscheduled cameo appearances, and some of it is weird stuff. When you've lived fight or flight for half a decade just trying not to freak out on a co-worker or cry in public to get through the day, and then you start to heal, shit gets real and really weird.
My budget battles began within my first year of marriage. I thought we'd figured it out and had a good system but we had credit card debt. By the time I was pregnant, I was working 2 jobs to wipe clean the remainder of said debt so we could put down the payment for the midwife program at Tampa General and work slowly to pay that off. We still didn't quite have the hang of it. In fact we were rookies and had really only basic credit card knowledge so, ending up where we are now doesn't surprise me, although we are far, far better off and aware now than 5 years ago.
Realizing you have bad credit and can't have basic things without "paying" for that bad credit in the form of some humiliating punishment is pretty shitty. When I realized how far gone we were while home with my infant and trying not to eat everything and/or cry from watching Glee or a car commercial, it seemed pretty bleak.
"Everything will work out," "It'll all be okay," and "We'll make it work," are my self-soothing mantras to get me through my initial silent screaming freak out that happens with every budget review, time and time again.
Today was something simple and seemingly stupid but it became overwhelming quickly. I'm a very visual person so I've become very obsessive about checking accounts and statements and making sure things are accounted for, balance and well understood. I think this is a product of having your "life savings" stolen from you when you're 13 so all of your babysitting, yard sale and birthday money is just gone one day, and then you truly appreciate having money and knowing where it is.
I idle between being so proud of how far we have come, and struggling with getting back into the red again. I'm not a shopper anymore. Between growing up, budgeting, and parenthood you really learn what you need and what you don't, and you give up many luxuries and niceties to have a lot more security. Now my definition of niceties and luxuries may differ from others, but I hold them close and try to live frugally.
I wrote earlier about my bad experience with a budget analyst- type guy who made me feel smaller than anyone in "Honey I Shrunk The Kids," and I will say this very anti-feminist thing that may just have some truth to it. It was my personal experience that the male persuasion were not only the "breadwinners," "top money-makers" and household head honchos, but they were actually more intelligent about money matters. It is my personal and recent experience that I may have been slightly misled.
Many men actually know financial stuff well enough to do well enough and then some, but I think the assumption that men "know better," when it comes to money and finances is a whole lotta crap, especially now. If you think about it, it's predominantly men who do stock market type things and women are the ones who are proficient with couponing and being thrifty. Interesting, isn't it? Perhaps that's because we are rarely afforded the kind of money men have to work with - okay that's all for that sentiment.
Back to the real part of this post, it was this morning that I realized that if any budgeting or mathematical stuff actually makes me feel stupid and unintelligent, I break down. On top of that, in all of my post nanny-ing jobs, my biggest struggle has been my male bosses making me feel intellectually inferior and that is when I do the girly thing and angry cry.
The first instance happened when I got fired after audibly being frustrated with myself, and my boss' wife and assistant manager decided that I was speaking to her meanly and undermining her every move as if to dethrone her. Also, I picked the wrong day to bring in my nail polish and test colors with my coworker when it was slow and they yelled at us for stinking up the store and doing our nails on the job -- I'll give them THAT one, but the me being some shady underminer and calling the boss' wife stupid? Um, no.
The second instance was my boss calling me a "bitch" for not coddling the younger employees when they needed to actually do their jobs and because I referred to my close friend, who was hiking the Appalachian at the time, as looking "haggard." I know and fully knew then what haggard means:
1. looking exhausted and unwell, especially from fatigue, worry, or suffering.,"I trailed on behind, haggard and disheveled",synonyms:careworn, tired, drained, drawn, raddled.
He said that calling my friend that confirmed that I was indeed a bitch with no regard for others. Firstly, if you don't look haggard when you're hiking and living off the land, you're doing it wrong. Secondly, I told her to her face she looked haggard on her trip and she wasn't in the least bit defensive. Yet the man basically calls me an unintelligent bitch for using a word he doesn't seem to fully understand?
After that, I picked better bosses for 2 jobs then reverted back to placing myself under those that see women as mostly inferior. It was when I got in trouble for a choice my husband made in our personal lives, but at my job left me effectively attempted to be demoted that I left one position abruptly, so as not to let them punish me for "not getting it." Although, being made to feel stupid for trusting in my husband to take care of something struck a pretty deep chord in me, I shall say.
My last disaster job that was a necessary gateway to my current job, where I am devoutly respected by my male bosses and never treated as though I am stupid or inferior, left me feeling so low, that I've decided of course I could only move upwards. I blame most of my previous job ills on cultural gaps and the fact that I took on too much during a rough personal period. Although any job where I am made to feel dumb, hasn't exactly worked out after this short review, it seems.
We all have our moments where we feel stupid, inferior or dumb, and depending on the circumstances they than make you break down. I get very very oversensitive to when I am made to feel stupid by the opposite sex. Some moms have made me feel kinda dumb, but in general I feel like as women we really champion each other's intelligence and try to grow our knowledge as a whole.
My husband rarely rarely rarely makes me feel dumb. He usually makes me feel intelligent and respected but today in the budget squabble he seemed to have it down and I was left to mull it over and break it down so I just felt defeated and left behind in understanding.
I took my deep breath and stepped back and dissected the issue, which is definitely resolved today, but I don't say it wasn't a set back mentally for a bit. I will say I was going to blog about something completely different and then this happened and I'm happy it did.
Maybe you don't bawl over silly things, or maybe you do. Maybe something else is your budget bawl, but sometimes we have these things that we need extra patience with that just make us feel inferior, and that sucks! There's no way around how much that sucks. The important thing is to know we all have those moments where it just doesn't click and it gets frustrating. My daughter has them regularly and I now fully commiserate with the outbursts!
My husband rarely rarely rarely makes me feel dumb. He usually makes me feel intelligent and respected but today in the budget squabble he seemed to have it down and I was left to mull it over and break it down so I just felt defeated and left behind in understanding.
I took my deep breath and stepped back and dissected the issue, which is definitely resolved today, but I don't say it wasn't a set back mentally for a bit. I will say I was going to blog about something completely different and then this happened and I'm happy it did.
Maybe you don't bawl over silly things, or maybe you do. Maybe something else is your budget bawl, but sometimes we have these things that we need extra patience with that just make us feel inferior, and that sucks! There's no way around how much that sucks. The important thing is to know we all have those moments where it just doesn't click and it gets frustrating. My daughter has them regularly and I now fully commiserate with the outbursts!
Monday, May 27, 2019
Gutters, Glitter and Getting Comfortable in Adulthood
My daughter just got out some Glitter that was a gift and is dumping glitter on glue. Comedian Demitri Martin says, "Glitter is the herpes of craft products." My husband has a serious glitter aversion. He very much hates them.
After a work out and a calm morning, I came home with a slight headache prompting my husband to take my daughter to the hardware store with him to get more gutter pieces to work on stuff with the house. I rested, rebooted and started on the chores.
We made plans for this day that have since fizzled, but I'm actually okay with it all. I guess this weekend kicked my butt. After an enlightening conversation, I've realized that through everything, not only have I maintained a good outlook in general, but I'm making the best of what's in front of me and I feel proud. This is a rarity for me.
We're a little bit in debt, but crawling out well. We have our structure and our plans. We have some fun things planned for us that I'm looking forward to also. We're growing and doing our best.
Moreover, the gutters and glitter and just continued metaphors for life. We borrowed more than I'd like from savings for gutters because it's rainy season and it's a small home improvement thing that we need. There is glitter all over my table, my bench and a pan and spoon but, we'll clean up the mess as best we can. I mean, what else can we do.
Doing the best you can with the situation at hand is such a task sometimes, but it's all you can do. I finally caught up with a friend and was asking about long-term plans only to get the answer "I don't know what's going on, I just have to take things as they come." I laughed and replied, "Hey, one day at a time is all you can do sometimes, that's how I roll."
Adulthood is rough. It super sucks honestly, but we all have to live it. It's all what you make of it. That theme is so important. It is imperative that you stay positive even when you don't want to.
After getting some serious rest and actually having time to chill I can now appreciate the process, the struggle and the growth more than when I'm cranky and hangry. Yesterday I was not in a great place so I couldn't find my positive vibes.
Memorial day can come with a lot of mixed feelings for many people and I don't think of it as just BBQ day. I invite you to take some time and think about how far we've come because of the people who fought for us, and how far you've come personally because of your fight for yourself. Just enjoy the day because we're back to the grind tomorrow!
After a work out and a calm morning, I came home with a slight headache prompting my husband to take my daughter to the hardware store with him to get more gutter pieces to work on stuff with the house. I rested, rebooted and started on the chores.
We made plans for this day that have since fizzled, but I'm actually okay with it all. I guess this weekend kicked my butt. After an enlightening conversation, I've realized that through everything, not only have I maintained a good outlook in general, but I'm making the best of what's in front of me and I feel proud. This is a rarity for me.
We're a little bit in debt, but crawling out well. We have our structure and our plans. We have some fun things planned for us that I'm looking forward to also. We're growing and doing our best.
Moreover, the gutters and glitter and just continued metaphors for life. We borrowed more than I'd like from savings for gutters because it's rainy season and it's a small home improvement thing that we need. There is glitter all over my table, my bench and a pan and spoon but, we'll clean up the mess as best we can. I mean, what else can we do.
Doing the best you can with the situation at hand is such a task sometimes, but it's all you can do. I finally caught up with a friend and was asking about long-term plans only to get the answer "I don't know what's going on, I just have to take things as they come." I laughed and replied, "Hey, one day at a time is all you can do sometimes, that's how I roll."
Adulthood is rough. It super sucks honestly, but we all have to live it. It's all what you make of it. That theme is so important. It is imperative that you stay positive even when you don't want to.
After getting some serious rest and actually having time to chill I can now appreciate the process, the struggle and the growth more than when I'm cranky and hangry. Yesterday I was not in a great place so I couldn't find my positive vibes.
Memorial day can come with a lot of mixed feelings for many people and I don't think of it as just BBQ day. I invite you to take some time and think about how far we've come because of the people who fought for us, and how far you've come personally because of your fight for yourself. Just enjoy the day because we're back to the grind tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Mother's Day Washing Machines And Sick Kiddos
I've been fantasizing about a new washer and dryer, more-so a new washer, for at least 2 years. Every time I think we have money for it, life happens. There is a medical or car-related issue, or something life-wise comes first.
My mom does her laundry at my house. Since Christmas she has been ruthlessly nagging about my crappy appliances. This irks me to no end for a laundry list, pun intended, of reasons. First, most parental relationships would have the mom figure say, "Hey your washer sucks, I'll give you a few hundred towards a new one." Or some even just buy their children new appliances, or so I've heard. My mom hasn't the means to buy us one, but also doesn't have the means to be nice about the one we have apparently. It washes the clothes, hence it's main function, it's just definitely time for a new one. Also, my mother is anything but domestic, so when she complains about appliances, when she lives in an appliance-less apartment, it just cracks me up. Feel the eye roll.
Some soon-to-be-newlywed friends are moving to new digs and sold us their one-year-old, still-under-warranty Maytag to be retrieved today. I'm ridiculously excited about this. True to form, I told my mom that this purchase was her mother's day present. I bought her a new washer so she won't have to complain anymore. Success!
In other news, my daughter has had a cough the last 72 hours and last night it hit new heights. My husband worked 9 days in a row and is off today so I think they are both taking a life-hiatus together, with exception of washer pick up. This is a great excuse for me to leave work early, however, so I'm all in.
This is only my daughter's second sick day the entire school year and they only have 2 weeks left of the year. She's a super healthy kid but much like her mother, just needs some time to do nothing and heal from time to time. It's kind of a rainy Tuesday, too, so it's ideal.
I feel blessed that I have a job that doesn't shame me for being a mom when I'm needed. I feel blessed that I have a husband willing to chill with his kiddo when she needs some parental snuggles and extra attention. I feel blessed that we are all growing and building on things right now. It's not often I can say that.
There are things in life that will be frustrating. My random feeling of weight gain and my stupid thyroid are on the top right now. Paying down bills and life things getting in the way of life fun are always unfair-feeling obstacles, but I've been thinking how far we've come and I have to give credit where credit is due.
We have our decade as Floridians pending this summer, and I think this is the first year we won't end up in the hole, begging everyone for money, and feeling inferior in adulting things. What a nice perspective. I think a lot, maybe even too much, and I'm kind of realizing the way the universe has laid out it's obstacles, challenges and things to overcome isn't so coincidental or random after all. Perhaps we had to go through the all the storms to get to the end of the rainbow.
Mostly I just feel like, we are the epitome of things never going as planned. We have had grand designs and things have always happened outside of our timelines, but mostly as they should. We have suffered some yucky, difficult things. We've been horrible to each other at times, and to other people we love. But, we've learned a lot and are better off for having lived those lessons.
There's plenty I'm still completely unsure about. There's still cautious optimism and plans that are damned to be derailed. We're still finding our footing and putting in the work to build, but that's more than I've been able to say for a long time.
So Mother's Day washers are better than shiny new sets that put us in debt, and sick days at home with snuggles are better than getting sicker and pushing through school and work. Sometimes you need a day after the transition, after the exhaustion, to just kick back and reflect. You may find the view more appealing than you'd originally designed. And 1 year old washers work just as good as new ones, and either beats one that's been kicking at least the past decade. It should be quite a Tuesday.
My mom does her laundry at my house. Since Christmas she has been ruthlessly nagging about my crappy appliances. This irks me to no end for a laundry list, pun intended, of reasons. First, most parental relationships would have the mom figure say, "Hey your washer sucks, I'll give you a few hundred towards a new one." Or some even just buy their children new appliances, or so I've heard. My mom hasn't the means to buy us one, but also doesn't have the means to be nice about the one we have apparently. It washes the clothes, hence it's main function, it's just definitely time for a new one. Also, my mother is anything but domestic, so when she complains about appliances, when she lives in an appliance-less apartment, it just cracks me up. Feel the eye roll.
Some soon-to-be-newlywed friends are moving to new digs and sold us their one-year-old, still-under-warranty Maytag to be retrieved today. I'm ridiculously excited about this. True to form, I told my mom that this purchase was her mother's day present. I bought her a new washer so she won't have to complain anymore. Success!
In other news, my daughter has had a cough the last 72 hours and last night it hit new heights. My husband worked 9 days in a row and is off today so I think they are both taking a life-hiatus together, with exception of washer pick up. This is a great excuse for me to leave work early, however, so I'm all in.
This is only my daughter's second sick day the entire school year and they only have 2 weeks left of the year. She's a super healthy kid but much like her mother, just needs some time to do nothing and heal from time to time. It's kind of a rainy Tuesday, too, so it's ideal.
I feel blessed that I have a job that doesn't shame me for being a mom when I'm needed. I feel blessed that I have a husband willing to chill with his kiddo when she needs some parental snuggles and extra attention. I feel blessed that we are all growing and building on things right now. It's not often I can say that.
There are things in life that will be frustrating. My random feeling of weight gain and my stupid thyroid are on the top right now. Paying down bills and life things getting in the way of life fun are always unfair-feeling obstacles, but I've been thinking how far we've come and I have to give credit where credit is due.
We have our decade as Floridians pending this summer, and I think this is the first year we won't end up in the hole, begging everyone for money, and feeling inferior in adulting things. What a nice perspective. I think a lot, maybe even too much, and I'm kind of realizing the way the universe has laid out it's obstacles, challenges and things to overcome isn't so coincidental or random after all. Perhaps we had to go through the all the storms to get to the end of the rainbow.
Mostly I just feel like, we are the epitome of things never going as planned. We have had grand designs and things have always happened outside of our timelines, but mostly as they should. We have suffered some yucky, difficult things. We've been horrible to each other at times, and to other people we love. But, we've learned a lot and are better off for having lived those lessons.
There's plenty I'm still completely unsure about. There's still cautious optimism and plans that are damned to be derailed. We're still finding our footing and putting in the work to build, but that's more than I've been able to say for a long time.
So Mother's Day washers are better than shiny new sets that put us in debt, and sick days at home with snuggles are better than getting sicker and pushing through school and work. Sometimes you need a day after the transition, after the exhaustion, to just kick back and reflect. You may find the view more appealing than you'd originally designed. And 1 year old washers work just as good as new ones, and either beats one that's been kicking at least the past decade. It should be quite a Tuesday.
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Cash Conundrum: Fiscal Frenzies
Money can be a more touchy subject than religion or politics, maybe even the two combined. For me, it is an extremely sensitive and very stressful trigger, very much always uncomfortable. I had the "money" issue come up yesterday and it had a strange, strange affect on me.
My dad gave me a credit card lesson at age 18, but other than that no one really taught me about money. I learned everything the hard way, but always had the support of my family in the end. It was after our wedding that I learned just how evil credit cards could be, if used improperly, and that I needed to be much more tenacious in terms of watching payment schedules. It was after having a baby and being rejected on homeowner dreams that I was violently shoved into getting fiscally responsible.
I am extremely uptight about our current budget. Debt is not something that sits well with me. We have taken out two small loans to pay off credit cards and I'm obsessive about payment dates. It drives my husband insane, but it's for the greater good so I stand firm as financially feisty.
I wrote another blog about asking for help from a financial mentor only to be completely let down by the whole experience, leaving with a defeated sense of "screwing" things up or not being apt to do more. But then I thought about how far we've come and just how much I fight daily to keep things together and decided to just take what I could from the experience and let it go.
I'd like to say we don't, but we live paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I fundamentally see everything having to do with money completely differently. I'm that weirdo that loves a savings account and doesn't see certain things like dentist visits and wellness check ups as a "luxury" but a basic necessity like the internet and phone. However, I won't buy myself new clothes, new sheets, or new towels without serious buyers remorse unless mine are threadbare. To me, those are luxuries.
I'm naive enough to just leave the money issue as unspoken though and to think that, if you don't have the money, you don't go out, but also to be careful who you complain to about certain money things because it can create issues. I like to think that everyone lives within their means, and some people just have bigger means than others.
I struggled with this in motherhood, especially within the rise of social media. Everyone is posting cute new baby outfits and new wraps, carriers and strollers and we just couldn't afford it. Then my single friends were posting pictures of nights out as I'm at home re-watching Glee in a shirt with baby puke on it. I couldn't afford a babysitter, a night out, or new clothes to look decent in. It felt not great.
I once was called out as a hater because I made a quippy comment about how, it's not that other people just get to "have more," but that some people are just more okay being in debt and everyone must just have 50K in debt and not care. I thought I was handling my inner struggle sarcastically well, but was immediately shamed. It took a long time for me to change my perspective and found that around the right people, I was more apt to thrive mentally and financially.
The problem with money is that the people who have always had it, often forget that not everyone does. It's also a matter of the cost of living. My childhood home in Pennsylvania, a 4 story, 4 bedroom, 1 and 1/2 bath Victorian with a huge yard, sold less than a decade ago for just 30k less than what we paid for our 3 bedroom 2 bathroom Safety Harbor home. Location, location, location.
My cousin and his family live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan and he tells me about the cost of living there and I'm astonished, but then again, I romanticize New York with the best of them. It's all about places and circumstance.
Yesterday, a plan that I had not budgeted for came at me full stop and I was completely taken aback. I had so much to consider and there were no cost options but, I had my family's comfort to think of. It was lightly suggested by someone to just throw some money at it and solve the issue and it just...struck me in the wrong way. Let me tell you, it's never that simple in our lives.
Money is just an uncomfortable subject. I avoid it like the plague because, it can lead to discourse. We've made the mistake of lending to friends and family and never giving back. We've had family lend to us and probably regret it. I've felt taken advantage of by people I would "spot lunch money" to and they never offered to return the favor. Or when you give someone rides home often but they never offer gas money, things get awkward and I hate it! I do! It's such a fine line and delicate tight-rope walk.
I never assume anyone will pay for me to do things and I try my best to appreciate any kind of monetary gift received, it's a huge deal for me. So even if I'd had friends treat me before, I don't make plans with them if I can't afford it and just think "they'll probably just pay for me." That's not how things work.
After a stint in the hospitality biz, I'm very sensitive to tipping. The least I leave is 20% unless the service is completely horrible, because everyone has a bad day, and I guarantee they will get at least one person daily who won't even tip at all. It has been drilled into my mind of, "If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out and enjoy that service." And I know some people don't feel that way; to each their own.
I think money stuff is just...difficult, and being kinder to each other's limitations can go a long way. We have close friends that are much more...financially advanced than we are. One time we really wanted to thank them for just, being so kind and including us in things that we saved to pay for an expensive dinner for all four of us and it literally made our friends uncomfortable. They were almost upset at the gesture like, "We have to at least leave the tip! Or pay for drinks!" But for me, it was a gift I wanted to give - these are the kinds of things I work really diligently with, thoughtful gifts that show gratitude and appreciation.
I've had to drill into my husband's head, don't buy me the "stuff," take me to a concert and we'll hang out together. I want an experience. Not things. My mom is the person who needs the "stuff" and pushes all those things on me too. I smile and nod.
There are time when I know to just accept the gifts even if I feel uncomfortable or don't want the gift giver to feel like I'm the one taking advantage, but there are times when I just say, "I'd love to but we can't afford it." That was really hard for me. It's so much easier to just swipe a card and go, but I can't enjoy anything if I'm saddled by debt. For those of you who can, I quote over and over again, Amy Poehler, "Good for them, not for me!"
I'm extremely frugal, some may even call me cheap, but I'm trying to live a little more, still within my means:
At one point when we had Disney passes my family was like "I can't believe you pay for that all the time." And in retrospect it's like, we took 9 mini-vacations in the same year, which is the same cost as one trip home to see you all! At least with Disney it was split into monthly payments, haha!
But, back to the point which is, money stuff is rough and stressful, and cumbersome and it's difficult not to be envious and judgmental these days, especially with social media. No one is posting pictures of eviction notices or late notices on bills, it's all pictures of new iPhones and new cars so it can make you feel inferior. But I think if we can all just remember that we all come from different a spectrum of the cash flow, it can be less of a conundrum or fiscal frenzy.
The moral of the story is, be nice, because you just never know what someone went through to earn what they have, or if someone is struggling just to make ends meet. Pay it forward doesn't always mean monetary things, but we should pay forward more understanding, especially in the financial districts.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Your Thirties Are For Saying No To Everything You Got Away With In Your Twenties
With a birthday looming, I'm starting to reflect much more. Does that just come with age? This is also our 10 year mark for moving to Florida as of July. So here I am, getting all philosophical and introspective.
The amount of adulting and growing up I've had to do the past few years is actually kinda unfair, but I maintain I'm better for it. Your twenties are for partying, credit card debt, adventures and working hard specifically so you can play hard. I remember working 6 days a week between two jobs, drinking every night and Sunday sleeping until noon, mimosas with breakfast, beer with lunch, bed at 10 and back at it again for another week, and that was tame compared to most others I knew.
By the time I hit about 26 I was feeling less and less into that kind of party and was way more interested in hosting people for dinners, drinks, and hang out sessions. I liked lunches out and buying new home items. Parties were reserved for concerts and some weekends depending on paychecks.
For me, I feel like the worst of adulting came with parenthood. I really thought I had it planned out and things would be okay, but that's the thing about life, it takes it's own route, doesn't tell you it's changing, and sometimes you can barely scrape together to find a path, let alone decipher the "way you should" go.
In my twenties, concerts were always a yes, no matter how far the drive and if I didn't have the money, just swipe my credit card, the money could happen later, the concert was happening regardless. Between my husband and I, our credit cards were very much well known and accepted anywhere. While I felt the burden of that intensely, it took a lot of work to undo that frivolity, but I wasn't unwilling to do it.
I worked diligently on fixing finances to the point of being unfair and obnoxious. I still feel humiliated having to say "no, we can't afford it," to a lot. The difference from my twenties to now is, I prefer to stay in my real, live, grown up house, whereas I never wanted to be stuck at my apartment when I could be out spending money and living life. My thirties are for being frugal so I can take a vacation that involved leaving Florida.
As if I'm not feeling old enough, this is the last year of the Vans Warped Tour with a huge 25th Anniversary festival in both California and New Jersey. I must say that when I saw that line-up, I wanted to cancel both trips we were planning this year and just take myself to both for one more foray into being a Punk Rock Princess before my retirement from my festival concert days.
Warped tour was my first festival-type show when I was 18 and came with all the stories, swag and was the beginning of my love affair with live music. It was always fun to bounce between stages, get bumper stickers, shirts and leave for home broke, dehydrated and sunburned with bags of memorabilia, ringing ears, and dirty Vans or Converse. Plus there was always a Taco Bell run at the end of it.
Despite my years as an avid Warped Tour addict, some of the big bands I've still never seen. Between both coasts, they are all on there. Now, I know some of you have bucket lists that include seeing different countries and cities, and mine does somewhat, but I have Bucket List Bands. Most of them are now un-affordable, unattainable or unfortunately dead. But when I saw that line up I wanted to take out a loan and just go!
Alas, now that I'm in my thirties I say "no" instead of "let's go." Often this makes me feel lame but lately I've had a better appreciation of what comes with this stage, and for me that's peace and security. Peace and security have been just a dream like those items in stores in New York City where you have to ring the bell and look put together enough to be allowed entrance. The employees could see me, and I was drooling at the peace and security, all shiny on display within the window, but I couldn't get near it. There was no access point for me then.
Being allowed in the shiny security and pretty peace store is even just a recent feat, so I tread lightly. I am definitely incredibly and cautiously optimistic about how far we've come but also appreciative of the journey.
My twenties were fun, filled with celebration and simple problems. My late twenties, my entrance into parenthood, and quick steps into my thirties have been existential. It's been really rough, but also rewarding, leaving me with still a ton of work to do, which I'm not unwilling to participate in.
I do feel like family life makes me say "No," more often than not and the exceptions are few and far between. We bend the rules occasionally but have been far more vigilant about staying the course. To those of you who walk on the wild side and just firmly believe that everything will find it's way and work out, feel free to share that wisdom with me because I suck at it.
I think I've always had no choice but to grow up early. I was violently shoved from my American Girl Doll days of dressing them up and listening to Hanson to having to figure out all walks of life on my own. Navigating social aspects was tough at times, I was super naive and simple, but I definitely had my teenage rebellion under way when the time was right.
I did however, strive for my independence. I wanted to work and go to school so I could have what I wanted and cover what I needed. Defining want and need was what changed quickly between my twenties and thirties, but I think that change was for the better. Now I know the times we need to "splurge" and "live a little," and the ones where we need to be more frugal. Okay maybe lately I just always think we need to be frugal but still! It's a work in progress, I'm a work in progress.
As I'm inching very slowly towards the next stage, and the next age I just feel aware of so much that my twenties were built on that just does not fly now. Some of it is frustrating and unfair. Some of it is affirming and kind of rejuvenating, because I know that I'm in a place where I can say no. Growth game strong!
For the first time, in a very long time I will say this, I'm pretty okay with where I am. I have my bills paid, no exorbitant debt at this time, we have plans for end of year vacations looming, and I can still get a coffee from time to time. I know there is savings and retirement kind of things happening and I have high hopes for some new appliances. There will always be unexpected things, and saying no is way more common now than it was a decade ago, but sometimes saying no is okay, or so I've explored previously.
So, I toast to being close to another year of being okay with saying no to all the stuff I easily got away with in my twenties, and to being even more firm in my thirties, I'm enjoying each new stage, no matter how difficult. Although, if anyone wants to send me to Warped Tour, that I would say yes to!
The amount of adulting and growing up I've had to do the past few years is actually kinda unfair, but I maintain I'm better for it. Your twenties are for partying, credit card debt, adventures and working hard specifically so you can play hard. I remember working 6 days a week between two jobs, drinking every night and Sunday sleeping until noon, mimosas with breakfast, beer with lunch, bed at 10 and back at it again for another week, and that was tame compared to most others I knew.
By the time I hit about 26 I was feeling less and less into that kind of party and was way more interested in hosting people for dinners, drinks, and hang out sessions. I liked lunches out and buying new home items. Parties were reserved for concerts and some weekends depending on paychecks.
For me, I feel like the worst of adulting came with parenthood. I really thought I had it planned out and things would be okay, but that's the thing about life, it takes it's own route, doesn't tell you it's changing, and sometimes you can barely scrape together to find a path, let alone decipher the "way you should" go.
In my twenties, concerts were always a yes, no matter how far the drive and if I didn't have the money, just swipe my credit card, the money could happen later, the concert was happening regardless. Between my husband and I, our credit cards were very much well known and accepted anywhere. While I felt the burden of that intensely, it took a lot of work to undo that frivolity, but I wasn't unwilling to do it.
I worked diligently on fixing finances to the point of being unfair and obnoxious. I still feel humiliated having to say "no, we can't afford it," to a lot. The difference from my twenties to now is, I prefer to stay in my real, live, grown up house, whereas I never wanted to be stuck at my apartment when I could be out spending money and living life. My thirties are for being frugal so I can take a vacation that involved leaving Florida.
As if I'm not feeling old enough, this is the last year of the Vans Warped Tour with a huge 25th Anniversary festival in both California and New Jersey. I must say that when I saw that line-up, I wanted to cancel both trips we were planning this year and just take myself to both for one more foray into being a Punk Rock Princess before my retirement from my festival concert days.
Warped tour was my first festival-type show when I was 18 and came with all the stories, swag and was the beginning of my love affair with live music. It was always fun to bounce between stages, get bumper stickers, shirts and leave for home broke, dehydrated and sunburned with bags of memorabilia, ringing ears, and dirty Vans or Converse. Plus there was always a Taco Bell run at the end of it.
Despite my years as an avid Warped Tour addict, some of the big bands I've still never seen. Between both coasts, they are all on there. Now, I know some of you have bucket lists that include seeing different countries and cities, and mine does somewhat, but I have Bucket List Bands. Most of them are now un-affordable, unattainable or unfortunately dead. But when I saw that line up I wanted to take out a loan and just go!
Alas, now that I'm in my thirties I say "no" instead of "let's go." Often this makes me feel lame but lately I've had a better appreciation of what comes with this stage, and for me that's peace and security. Peace and security have been just a dream like those items in stores in New York City where you have to ring the bell and look put together enough to be allowed entrance. The employees could see me, and I was drooling at the peace and security, all shiny on display within the window, but I couldn't get near it. There was no access point for me then.
Being allowed in the shiny security and pretty peace store is even just a recent feat, so I tread lightly. I am definitely incredibly and cautiously optimistic about how far we've come but also appreciative of the journey.
My twenties were fun, filled with celebration and simple problems. My late twenties, my entrance into parenthood, and quick steps into my thirties have been existential. It's been really rough, but also rewarding, leaving me with still a ton of work to do, which I'm not unwilling to participate in.
I do feel like family life makes me say "No," more often than not and the exceptions are few and far between. We bend the rules occasionally but have been far more vigilant about staying the course. To those of you who walk on the wild side and just firmly believe that everything will find it's way and work out, feel free to share that wisdom with me because I suck at it.
I think I've always had no choice but to grow up early. I was violently shoved from my American Girl Doll days of dressing them up and listening to Hanson to having to figure out all walks of life on my own. Navigating social aspects was tough at times, I was super naive and simple, but I definitely had my teenage rebellion under way when the time was right.
I did however, strive for my independence. I wanted to work and go to school so I could have what I wanted and cover what I needed. Defining want and need was what changed quickly between my twenties and thirties, but I think that change was for the better. Now I know the times we need to "splurge" and "live a little," and the ones where we need to be more frugal. Okay maybe lately I just always think we need to be frugal but still! It's a work in progress, I'm a work in progress.
As I'm inching very slowly towards the next stage, and the next age I just feel aware of so much that my twenties were built on that just does not fly now. Some of it is frustrating and unfair. Some of it is affirming and kind of rejuvenating, because I know that I'm in a place where I can say no. Growth game strong!
For the first time, in a very long time I will say this, I'm pretty okay with where I am. I have my bills paid, no exorbitant debt at this time, we have plans for end of year vacations looming, and I can still get a coffee from time to time. I know there is savings and retirement kind of things happening and I have high hopes for some new appliances. There will always be unexpected things, and saying no is way more common now than it was a decade ago, but sometimes saying no is okay, or so I've explored previously.
So, I toast to being close to another year of being okay with saying no to all the stuff I easily got away with in my twenties, and to being even more firm in my thirties, I'm enjoying each new stage, no matter how difficult. Although, if anyone wants to send me to Warped Tour, that I would say yes to!
Friday, February 22, 2019
Six Year Old Shopping Spree
I can give credit where credit is due and I will tell you my mother has kept me well dressed with only a few exceptions. I could have lived with slightly less Laura Ashley floral prints, no Mother Daughter matching bathing suits and way less obsessive matching capabilities but I was in fashion.
My daughter? She lives in hand me downs and I have zero shame. When they are little everyone wants to dress them. If you know lots of moms with boys, they love buying for girls. If you know ANYONE who likes to shop, they will dress your child. Therefore, you have very little to deal with in actuality.
Luna got all the cute outfits and I've rarely had to buy anything. As mentioned before I was lucky enough to receive countless hand me downs from a friend with three girls so I'm set until Luna moves out. My mother also buys her way too much stuff, so she wants for nothing.
But we don't really take her shopping. I don't buy her shirts for every occasion. I don't buy "outfits." She still receives these as gifts so I need not go out of my way or out of my budget. Kids will also never pick what you like. They naturally go opposite.
Tonight, however, is a special and first occasion for us to really splurge. It's Daddy Daughter Date Night hosted by our town's recreational activity center. The past two times she has gone I've been able to dig out a dress she liked but we went through her closet and nothing was "Princessy" enough. I heard "Go to Kohls! Hit Target." I was in more of a Wal-Mart state of mind as I didn't want to spend $50 on something she'd never wear again.
So after a crazy evening getting home, off to Wal-Mart we went. There is some Nickelodeon phenomenon type thing of a JoJo person these days? We don't have cable. I've never watched. Apparently she has big bows that are fashiony. There are cups and accessories with her name plastered all over and I just found out yesterday she has fashions.
Now I found a cheap cute sequin skirt but Luna wanted the JoJo dress with little unicorn and weird icons on them and glittery stuff in the tulle and of course the matching bow.
It was so funny too because I said "Let's go pick out a dress and how would you like to maybe get a new bow?" "And shoes," Luna said. "Shoes mom."
So she got the dress and a bow because we couldn't find any crowns or tiaras. I wasn't going to buy her one anyway. And we hit the shoe section. I'm thinking okay, dress shoes and sandals she could wear to church or for home dress up. Something practical. What does she go for? White patent leather Easter-type close-toed heels with a white bow on the strap.
I'm pretty sure I got the exact same ones when I was 9. She's got 3 years on me at this point.
"Okay," I shrugged. This was it. Let's go pay. She was so excited.
We got home and was like "I need to hang up my dress! I can't wait to show daddy my bow! Can I wear my shoes!? I want to try them without the rope on them!"
I removed tags and cut the shoes loose and she put them on immediately. Without hesitation. She clomped and stomped. She let me video tape them and take pictures. She wore them with her school clothes to eat dinner.
When I told her it was time to put on pajamas, the shoes came off, the pajamas went on, the shoes went BACK on. This morning she had to show daddy and she couldn't wait to wear them to the date night.
I realized that we did so well on the whole exchange. She listened. She was reasonable. We didn't fight. There was no struggle, which was the opposite with my mom so I figure I'm doing pretty well! It was a successful evening. Tonight is the big night so I will definitely have many pictures. I like seeing her excited though. She lives with us in a frugal world of practicality. She deserves a little "Treat Yo Self!"
JoJo Dress: $16
Jojo Bow: $5
First pair of heels: $14
Great shopping experience with mommy even though she left without a crown: Priceless!
My daughter? She lives in hand me downs and I have zero shame. When they are little everyone wants to dress them. If you know lots of moms with boys, they love buying for girls. If you know ANYONE who likes to shop, they will dress your child. Therefore, you have very little to deal with in actuality.
Luna got all the cute outfits and I've rarely had to buy anything. As mentioned before I was lucky enough to receive countless hand me downs from a friend with three girls so I'm set until Luna moves out. My mother also buys her way too much stuff, so she wants for nothing.
But we don't really take her shopping. I don't buy her shirts for every occasion. I don't buy "outfits." She still receives these as gifts so I need not go out of my way or out of my budget. Kids will also never pick what you like. They naturally go opposite.
Tonight, however, is a special and first occasion for us to really splurge. It's Daddy Daughter Date Night hosted by our town's recreational activity center. The past two times she has gone I've been able to dig out a dress she liked but we went through her closet and nothing was "Princessy" enough. I heard "Go to Kohls! Hit Target." I was in more of a Wal-Mart state of mind as I didn't want to spend $50 on something she'd never wear again.
So after a crazy evening getting home, off to Wal-Mart we went. There is some Nickelodeon phenomenon type thing of a JoJo person these days? We don't have cable. I've never watched. Apparently she has big bows that are fashiony. There are cups and accessories with her name plastered all over and I just found out yesterday she has fashions.
Now I found a cheap cute sequin skirt but Luna wanted the JoJo dress with little unicorn and weird icons on them and glittery stuff in the tulle and of course the matching bow.
It was so funny too because I said "Let's go pick out a dress and how would you like to maybe get a new bow?" "And shoes," Luna said. "Shoes mom."
So she got the dress and a bow because we couldn't find any crowns or tiaras. I wasn't going to buy her one anyway. And we hit the shoe section. I'm thinking okay, dress shoes and sandals she could wear to church or for home dress up. Something practical. What does she go for? White patent leather Easter-type close-toed heels with a white bow on the strap.
I'm pretty sure I got the exact same ones when I was 9. She's got 3 years on me at this point.
"Okay," I shrugged. This was it. Let's go pay. She was so excited.
We got home and was like "I need to hang up my dress! I can't wait to show daddy my bow! Can I wear my shoes!? I want to try them without the rope on them!"
I removed tags and cut the shoes loose and she put them on immediately. Without hesitation. She clomped and stomped. She let me video tape them and take pictures. She wore them with her school clothes to eat dinner.
When I told her it was time to put on pajamas, the shoes came off, the pajamas went on, the shoes went BACK on. This morning she had to show daddy and she couldn't wait to wear them to the date night.
I realized that we did so well on the whole exchange. She listened. She was reasonable. We didn't fight. There was no struggle, which was the opposite with my mom so I figure I'm doing pretty well! It was a successful evening. Tonight is the big night so I will definitely have many pictures. I like seeing her excited though. She lives with us in a frugal world of practicality. She deserves a little "Treat Yo Self!"
JoJo Dress: $16
Jojo Bow: $5
First pair of heels: $14
Great shopping experience with mommy even though she left without a crown: Priceless!
Friday, February 1, 2019
Bills, Budget, Money, Oh My!
My mom asked if I was technically a millennial last night. I told her technically I may be an #eldermillennial. When I was young, even when things were at their worst, I never worried that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads or food on the table. I never saw my dad use credit cards, really and when divorce things happened in any part of my family I don't ever recall any complaints about money involved. Perhaps it was all on the down low.
Money stuff is hard. Let's just be real and admit that paying bills sucks as does adulting but financial stuff is hard. During one of my darkest years recently I had seen old friends doing well. They had new houses, new cars, golf carts, and great dates all posted on social media. I felt like I was always struggling and kept getting shut out of having even a chance to have those things. I was once confronted by someone as being "A hater" because I just said, "They have everything including what must be some serious credit card debt, which I could never do."
It was funny to me how that made me a "hater." I learned the hard way, really fast, and then even worse and slower like when you're afraid to remove a band-aid, just how bad all things related to credit and debt could be. And worse, I had nothing to show for it. I wasn't a shop-aholic. I had no new vehicles, we couldn't get a house loan, nothing. No memorable vacations or anything. It was all just...something for another post, or maybe my book.
Back to the point of the debt. My dad taught me how to use credit cards, and I know not everyone is so lucky. For me, real debt, more than something that can be easily caught up on in a month or two, makes me stressed, anxious and very defeated. It's often a point of contention.
I was raised not to discuss money things with other people and from that has come a lot of misunderstanding a grief. I should have asked for help in terms of advice and how to do things the most efficient ways. I've had to change my methods over and over. And this is what I know:
You'll always have "some" debt. It's inevitable. It's all about the debt to net worth ratio. My uncle once said this to me in jest, but when we were buying the house, it all became clear, if your debt outweighs what you can predictably bring in...you're doomed. I do everything in my power to "live within my means."
I'm a saver. And my husband is a spender. Sigh...imagine the controversy there. It has not been easy. I'm that person that the day the bill arrives: PAID, POOF, MONEY GONE! I want things taken care of immediately. No past due balances or skipped payments for me. I believe that after the bills are paid you can go out to play. You don't go out to eat when you have an electric bill you'll barely pay in full.
After adulting and doing all the math over and over and over. And obsessing over and over and over about everything, I'm pretty close to keeping us at break even and this is a big deal in my world. I do get upset from time to time when I have to scale back. I recently had to get rid of my gym membership which stinks, but I do enjoy having dental insurance.
Financial struggles and life struggles are hard to share and I think I still keep stuff pretty private. A lot of my association with failure is aligned with money. Like clearly you're successful if you have all the things right? Not really.
I spent the last year just so done with all these unfair ideologies I pushed on myself for so long. I started to really focus on how to handle the disappointments and hurdles and just ask myself "What can be possibly done now? What can you hope to accomplish in the future?" I've really had to retool so much of my thinking and I feel better for it honestly.
I will tell you one funny misstep though: I had reached out for a financial mentor and it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever encountered. After we moved our money into retirement funds and savings accounts and started really breaking down what we earn and where it goes, I just thought "We have to stop living paycheck to paycheck."
When I called and started breaking things down, not only did I feel stupid because I only had ballpark numbers of certain things, but I was made to feel pretty stupid too. Little things like opening our retirement accounts and "you couldn't have put that much in because XYZ..." Well we did, however it happened with our financial investor they did it. The next advice was to close all but one credit card, and we only had two. And the 2nd one I'd had since I was 18. Same account, which means I have a great history with them and I just thought..."that seems like really bad advice!"
The last advice, which was good but too much for me was "Write down exactly what you spend on every single thing and keep every receipt." This is where I get ridiculous. I have a serious hatred for receipts. I wish EVERYTHING was an e-receipt and we stopped using that horrible paper with that ink. I can be wasteful about stupid stuff but I HATE RECEIPTS. And I never keep them unless I MIGHT need to return something. Also, every purchase? Ever heard of internet banking? Aside from what exact groceries you buy, it's all there, on a credit OR debit card.
After the conversation I just felt kind of annoyed. I had taken control in financial chaos and busted my butt to get us on track and now I was to do more? And here's the thing, the steps we took were just so huge, that I wanted to enjoy the success, not add on more work. Also? We had just enough to get by. This didn't account for, large car repairs, raises in insurance, a raise in pay or other things. There's so damned much unknown. You literally cannot plan for everything. So why make myself crazy?
And that's when I gave myself a nice pep talk: "Look, you can do what you can and remind yourself that your family will never let you go without anything necessary in life if things get really bad, and stay tenacious, and not sweat the small stuff, or you can try all these things, sacrifice some more sanity and have it probably not work for you in a functional way. What will make you happy?"
I figured out my own way. That's what made me happy. Finding my own way to integrate the advice, and everything else to keep us on the correct path. I finally saw everything from all angles and I just wanted to keep up the good fight without messing with the delicate balance of what I'd begun.
I'm more grateful now I feel. I'm more, in tune with where I want to be and where I am. I still throw a tantrum if I have to be responsible and miss a concert or can't go buy new bras just because there's a sale. But I've seen a lot of great concerts. And there's always another sale and my current bras still function. There are also so many less fortunate and I really would like to be able to give back to them in a real way. I think that's a much better goal than new furniture.
These are all growing pains and I'm always open to ideas and advice. And most people have financial issues in some way or another. The American way feels like we're spending what we haven't made but I'd like to be the cheese that stands alone on that one. Much like everything else in life it's one day at a time. And it's a constant check and balance on we can do extra and what we can't.
But the bills, budgeting and money...sigh, oh my. They will always be a part of life. Find what works for you!
Money stuff is hard. Let's just be real and admit that paying bills sucks as does adulting but financial stuff is hard. During one of my darkest years recently I had seen old friends doing well. They had new houses, new cars, golf carts, and great dates all posted on social media. I felt like I was always struggling and kept getting shut out of having even a chance to have those things. I was once confronted by someone as being "A hater" because I just said, "They have everything including what must be some serious credit card debt, which I could never do."
It was funny to me how that made me a "hater." I learned the hard way, really fast, and then even worse and slower like when you're afraid to remove a band-aid, just how bad all things related to credit and debt could be. And worse, I had nothing to show for it. I wasn't a shop-aholic. I had no new vehicles, we couldn't get a house loan, nothing. No memorable vacations or anything. It was all just...something for another post, or maybe my book.
Back to the point of the debt. My dad taught me how to use credit cards, and I know not everyone is so lucky. For me, real debt, more than something that can be easily caught up on in a month or two, makes me stressed, anxious and very defeated. It's often a point of contention.
I was raised not to discuss money things with other people and from that has come a lot of misunderstanding a grief. I should have asked for help in terms of advice and how to do things the most efficient ways. I've had to change my methods over and over. And this is what I know:
You'll always have "some" debt. It's inevitable. It's all about the debt to net worth ratio. My uncle once said this to me in jest, but when we were buying the house, it all became clear, if your debt outweighs what you can predictably bring in...you're doomed. I do everything in my power to "live within my means."
I'm a saver. And my husband is a spender. Sigh...imagine the controversy there. It has not been easy. I'm that person that the day the bill arrives: PAID, POOF, MONEY GONE! I want things taken care of immediately. No past due balances or skipped payments for me. I believe that after the bills are paid you can go out to play. You don't go out to eat when you have an electric bill you'll barely pay in full.
After adulting and doing all the math over and over and over. And obsessing over and over and over about everything, I'm pretty close to keeping us at break even and this is a big deal in my world. I do get upset from time to time when I have to scale back. I recently had to get rid of my gym membership which stinks, but I do enjoy having dental insurance.
Financial struggles and life struggles are hard to share and I think I still keep stuff pretty private. A lot of my association with failure is aligned with money. Like clearly you're successful if you have all the things right? Not really.
I spent the last year just so done with all these unfair ideologies I pushed on myself for so long. I started to really focus on how to handle the disappointments and hurdles and just ask myself "What can be possibly done now? What can you hope to accomplish in the future?" I've really had to retool so much of my thinking and I feel better for it honestly.
I will tell you one funny misstep though: I had reached out for a financial mentor and it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever encountered. After we moved our money into retirement funds and savings accounts and started really breaking down what we earn and where it goes, I just thought "We have to stop living paycheck to paycheck."
When I called and started breaking things down, not only did I feel stupid because I only had ballpark numbers of certain things, but I was made to feel pretty stupid too. Little things like opening our retirement accounts and "you couldn't have put that much in because XYZ..." Well we did, however it happened with our financial investor they did it. The next advice was to close all but one credit card, and we only had two. And the 2nd one I'd had since I was 18. Same account, which means I have a great history with them and I just thought..."that seems like really bad advice!"
The last advice, which was good but too much for me was "Write down exactly what you spend on every single thing and keep every receipt." This is where I get ridiculous. I have a serious hatred for receipts. I wish EVERYTHING was an e-receipt and we stopped using that horrible paper with that ink. I can be wasteful about stupid stuff but I HATE RECEIPTS. And I never keep them unless I MIGHT need to return something. Also, every purchase? Ever heard of internet banking? Aside from what exact groceries you buy, it's all there, on a credit OR debit card.
After the conversation I just felt kind of annoyed. I had taken control in financial chaos and busted my butt to get us on track and now I was to do more? And here's the thing, the steps we took were just so huge, that I wanted to enjoy the success, not add on more work. Also? We had just enough to get by. This didn't account for, large car repairs, raises in insurance, a raise in pay or other things. There's so damned much unknown. You literally cannot plan for everything. So why make myself crazy?
And that's when I gave myself a nice pep talk: "Look, you can do what you can and remind yourself that your family will never let you go without anything necessary in life if things get really bad, and stay tenacious, and not sweat the small stuff, or you can try all these things, sacrifice some more sanity and have it probably not work for you in a functional way. What will make you happy?"
I figured out my own way. That's what made me happy. Finding my own way to integrate the advice, and everything else to keep us on the correct path. I finally saw everything from all angles and I just wanted to keep up the good fight without messing with the delicate balance of what I'd begun.
I'm more grateful now I feel. I'm more, in tune with where I want to be and where I am. I still throw a tantrum if I have to be responsible and miss a concert or can't go buy new bras just because there's a sale. But I've seen a lot of great concerts. And there's always another sale and my current bras still function. There are also so many less fortunate and I really would like to be able to give back to them in a real way. I think that's a much better goal than new furniture.
These are all growing pains and I'm always open to ideas and advice. And most people have financial issues in some way or another. The American way feels like we're spending what we haven't made but I'd like to be the cheese that stands alone on that one. Much like everything else in life it's one day at a time. And it's a constant check and balance on we can do extra and what we can't.
But the bills, budgeting and money...sigh, oh my. They will always be a part of life. Find what works for you!
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Blog Challenge 20: Where I Want to Be In 10 Years
Where do I want to be in 10 years? Is there a good answer for that question? Retired?
My goal is way less debt, way more fun memories, and being secure in my job. Totally lame right?
I used to have some pretty serious goals in my life. And when you get into the harsh light of reality you often have to curb those and settle into being able to pay bills on time and not constantly asking for money from your parents.
I wanted to be writing for a magazine, I wanted to be successful with a house and kiddos and dogs. Some of those things have become realities and some I've had to take what I can get. Fitness goals are met for me often, running races and such. Financial goals plague me, personal goals make me very depressed and life goals often achieve the same for me.
Then I think of the cliche response, "I just want to be happy!" Actually, I just want a sense of calm with no fallout. I want some stability and security. Those are big deals for me and if I could meet that life goal, talk about a payoff!
In 10 years I want my daughter to be kicking ass at high school and growing into a better person than I could ever be. I want my job to pay me well and give me lots of paid vacation time so I can better enjoy life. I want my husband to have job security and happiness. I want to not lose sleep over dirty grout, ruined tile and baseboards.
For me, so long as I have a happy, healthy kiddo, wherever she is is exactly where I want to be. The other things are nice goals to have but so long as I have my kid by my side I'm good! I'll let you know how it turns out!
My goal is way less debt, way more fun memories, and being secure in my job. Totally lame right?
I used to have some pretty serious goals in my life. And when you get into the harsh light of reality you often have to curb those and settle into being able to pay bills on time and not constantly asking for money from your parents.
I wanted to be writing for a magazine, I wanted to be successful with a house and kiddos and dogs. Some of those things have become realities and some I've had to take what I can get. Fitness goals are met for me often, running races and such. Financial goals plague me, personal goals make me very depressed and life goals often achieve the same for me.
Then I think of the cliche response, "I just want to be happy!" Actually, I just want a sense of calm with no fallout. I want some stability and security. Those are big deals for me and if I could meet that life goal, talk about a payoff!
In 10 years I want my daughter to be kicking ass at high school and growing into a better person than I could ever be. I want my job to pay me well and give me lots of paid vacation time so I can better enjoy life. I want my husband to have job security and happiness. I want to not lose sleep over dirty grout, ruined tile and baseboards.
For me, so long as I have a happy, healthy kiddo, wherever she is is exactly where I want to be. The other things are nice goals to have but so long as I have my kid by my side I'm good! I'll let you know how it turns out!
Friday, August 31, 2018
Daily Blog Challenge 18: What Am I Afraid Of?
Are we talking big picture, deep stuff like "failure" or actual fears like heights or spiders? Maybe we should cover it all.
When you're younger you might be afraid of the dark, new places or trying certain new things. As you get older you become more aware and you fear getting lost or go through the whole "death fixation."
My actual fear? S-N-A-K-E-S. I mean like screaming, shaking, anxiety, knees buckling fear of those creatures. They need to stay far away and if you ever "joke" about my fear or try and scare me with one, I will show you why you should have been more constructive during your time in your death fixation phase.
Spiders don't bother me, bugs in general I can deal with, lizards don't bother me. Snakes scare the beejesus out of me. They need to respect my space and I will respect theirs.
Other fears? The real deal ones including being a bad mother, not being able to pay bills, and letting the decisions of others define or dictate my life. But those are normal, right?
As someone who has been watching way too much Dexter lately I can tell you that fear is quite the motivator. And we all have such different fears. I never really feel afraid of heights until I'm up higher and then I'm like "uh oh!"
Sharing fears is tough too, especially in a relationship. It makes us so vulnerable and sometimes creates more fear in and of itself. However, it can also bring you closer together when used properly, in many ways.
Some people say you have to conquer your fears and I should just like, get a snake or something but I disagree. I feel like some fears are just meant to stay scary and some you grow out of, like being afraid of the dark. And let's not forget that some childhood fears like abandonment, getting actually lost, or not being good enough just grow with you.
Those are the fears that keep therapy and billion dollar business, but that's another diatribe. Those fears don't have to define us though and can also give us strength in tackling them and overcoming some aspects as we become who we are meant to be. And often, as fearful as that journey is, it's worth the fear and vulnerability to become more of ourselves through it all. I'm still not touching a snake or being near one, though. Nope.
When you're younger you might be afraid of the dark, new places or trying certain new things. As you get older you become more aware and you fear getting lost or go through the whole "death fixation."
My actual fear? S-N-A-K-E-S. I mean like screaming, shaking, anxiety, knees buckling fear of those creatures. They need to stay far away and if you ever "joke" about my fear or try and scare me with one, I will show you why you should have been more constructive during your time in your death fixation phase.
Spiders don't bother me, bugs in general I can deal with, lizards don't bother me. Snakes scare the beejesus out of me. They need to respect my space and I will respect theirs.
Other fears? The real deal ones including being a bad mother, not being able to pay bills, and letting the decisions of others define or dictate my life. But those are normal, right?
As someone who has been watching way too much Dexter lately I can tell you that fear is quite the motivator. And we all have such different fears. I never really feel afraid of heights until I'm up higher and then I'm like "uh oh!"
Sharing fears is tough too, especially in a relationship. It makes us so vulnerable and sometimes creates more fear in and of itself. However, it can also bring you closer together when used properly, in many ways.
Some people say you have to conquer your fears and I should just like, get a snake or something but I disagree. I feel like some fears are just meant to stay scary and some you grow out of, like being afraid of the dark. And let's not forget that some childhood fears like abandonment, getting actually lost, or not being good enough just grow with you.
Those are the fears that keep therapy and billion dollar business, but that's another diatribe. Those fears don't have to define us though and can also give us strength in tackling them and overcoming some aspects as we become who we are meant to be. And often, as fearful as that journey is, it's worth the fear and vulnerability to become more of ourselves through it all. I'm still not touching a snake or being near one, though. Nope.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Challenge 12: If I Won The Lottery
So to kick off another week at this, the challenge is to write about if I won the lottery. There was an entire episode about this on The Office. When I was in my twenties it was all about going all the places and having all the things. Now I would like to own multiple small homes/condos in a few great places so I had free places to stay or I could AirBnB that stuff for income. Wait, is this adulting?
I also wouldn't quit a job. I'd work part time at something I was in love with like...a coffee shop. And then I would take many trips to do what I want to do and enjoy life to it's fullest. I would also give some to a charity or 3 but help some of my closest friends who struggle by random acts of bill paying like, "Hey, I paid your rent, utilities, and 3 months of your phone bill, go get that purse you were saving for." Or, "Here is a gift certificate to your favorite store, go nuts!" Things like that make the world go round.
I think we have an obsession with this lottery question because financial freedom is such an ultimate goal. But one thing I have learned, the more money you have and you make, the more expenses come up. What was that song? "Mo, Money, Mo Problems,"? How is 90's music so very right on so often? What an era.
Anyway, this whole Lottery question is supposed to reflect who I am as a person, or at least that is my point of view on the issue. I think it's just a study of how much we like to indulge in the fantasy that life could get or will get "easier." As more and more days go by I realize that life doesn't get "better or worse," or just "More difficult or less bad." Life is just life and you have to deal with what happens as it comes to you. In some cases you will have some preparedness and in others it may hit you like a brick but sometimes bad things just happen.
I've learned over the past two years and test myself daily on the fact that most of life's obstacles and hardships are all about how you look at it and how you tackle the issues. So if you win a million dollars you can buy all the things and have a bunch of stuff, or you can pay off some debts and save some and keep working. Maybe you could take a fabulous vacation to a dream location with no debt and then save for some other places as well.
And money does run out. You can spend it all and do very little, so going all crazy is just never a good idea, in my humble opinion. I'm instantly reminded of that scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Leonardo DiCaprio throws money off of the boat at the IRS. Let's not do that.
I'm sure we've written many, many essays in our school careers about this. I honestly probably had better money ideas when I was a kid. But I will leave you with this, the lottery is very random and highly unlikely, like many things in life. On bad days it is fun to get caught up in the IFs but we cannot live there. So go ahead and plan to spend your fictional fortune, but don't forget to pay your actual bills in the mean time!
I also wouldn't quit a job. I'd work part time at something I was in love with like...a coffee shop. And then I would take many trips to do what I want to do and enjoy life to it's fullest. I would also give some to a charity or 3 but help some of my closest friends who struggle by random acts of bill paying like, "Hey, I paid your rent, utilities, and 3 months of your phone bill, go get that purse you were saving for." Or, "Here is a gift certificate to your favorite store, go nuts!" Things like that make the world go round.
I think we have an obsession with this lottery question because financial freedom is such an ultimate goal. But one thing I have learned, the more money you have and you make, the more expenses come up. What was that song? "Mo, Money, Mo Problems,"? How is 90's music so very right on so often? What an era.
Anyway, this whole Lottery question is supposed to reflect who I am as a person, or at least that is my point of view on the issue. I think it's just a study of how much we like to indulge in the fantasy that life could get or will get "easier." As more and more days go by I realize that life doesn't get "better or worse," or just "More difficult or less bad." Life is just life and you have to deal with what happens as it comes to you. In some cases you will have some preparedness and in others it may hit you like a brick but sometimes bad things just happen.
I've learned over the past two years and test myself daily on the fact that most of life's obstacles and hardships are all about how you look at it and how you tackle the issues. So if you win a million dollars you can buy all the things and have a bunch of stuff, or you can pay off some debts and save some and keep working. Maybe you could take a fabulous vacation to a dream location with no debt and then save for some other places as well.
And money does run out. You can spend it all and do very little, so going all crazy is just never a good idea, in my humble opinion. I'm instantly reminded of that scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Leonardo DiCaprio throws money off of the boat at the IRS. Let's not do that.
I'm sure we've written many, many essays in our school careers about this. I honestly probably had better money ideas when I was a kid. But I will leave you with this, the lottery is very random and highly unlikely, like many things in life. On bad days it is fun to get caught up in the IFs but we cannot live there. So go ahead and plan to spend your fictional fortune, but don't forget to pay your actual bills in the mean time!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
An Unfairish Life: The Bitter Diatribe of a Working Class Family
Just a warning, some of this may border on ranting but let’s
just get it all out in the open.
Now I like to think of myself as traditionally
untraditional, meaning we take a little bit of morality, ethics, and ideals,
and mash them into what works for us. By nature, I’m a very cynical, sarcastic
and outgoing being. My father forced me into optimism. Every time people
screwed me over he kept reminding me that faith in the human race is worth it
after all.
Now I don’t want to say certain things are “right” and
others “wrong” but there is a societal and social order in which things are
more easily accepted. I chose to follow that order and it came as such: Date
some boys, play some games, find the one you can make it work with, move in
together to test the last-ability, get engaged, graduate school, get married
and have babies.
We live in a universe where families of all shapes, sizes,
makes and molds exist, but in the secretly conservative world we coexist in,
should we really expect the idea of first comes marriage, then comes the baby
carriage to be out of style? Sure we’re more accepting of the out of tradition
molds. Divorce is like a staple of the nation now, but can I just ask for some
brownie points for doing things as society asked and really making it work?
Not only that but to come into a union out of choice instead
of circumstance? Where’s the certificate of achievement for that!? There are so
many walks of life, and we are forced to recognize, respect and celebrate all
of them at one time or another, but what about those of us that worked at it?
Yes, all relationships and facets of life itself are “work,” but some have it
harder than others.
Personally I have overcome severe depression without
medication, family addiction, personal losses such as death and grief, and the
general betrayal by and of loved ones in the form of money, personal conflicts
and judgments. And who hasn’t?! But there is a dignity with which to accept the
lot in life you are given, and even with a fit of rage and many mistakes, the
choices to guide yourself out of the darkness should be rewarded.
My husband and I CHOSE to be with each other because we knew
we were a great match. I CHOSE to turn my outlook on life around without being
medicated. I CHOSE to finish school and create an opportunity for myself. I
CHOSE to take my family history into account when making lifestyle choices to
better my situations. My husband and I CHOSE to live within our means, to move
into new surroundings to enrich our lifestyle and adulthood and we CHOSE to have
our amazing child.
Many aren’t so lucky. Although I may seem ungrateful at
times, I know how lucky I am, but that doesn’t deter the periodic frustration
with the general dealings of the world we live in.
So many American households have mountains of debt, student
loans and consumer credit issues. My husband and I have never had more than
5,000$ in debt at one time. We have both sustained full time jobs and taken
care of ourselves without too much dependence on the outside world with two
exceptions, and one of those was a medical emergency.
Since medical debt is as trendy as divorce, it shocks me
that this actually counts against you. Even when someone has great health
insurance, you still end up paying medical bills, and the amounts of said bills
are enough to put you right back in the hospital with a heart or panic attack!
We have no car loans or outstanding tickets. We’ve never had
a car payment and have come into car ownership within the means of the money we
have. When we needed extras, we turned to credit cards, like most. And by
extras, I don’t mean flat screen TVs and fancy vacations. We paid for a vet
visit for the dog that snuck up on us, a repair on the car that was overlooked,
and new shoes for work, new glasses, or a walk in clinic visit for a minor
medical emergency.
So after the birth of our amazing daughter and feeling
triumphant that we’d done so well with money and hadn’t racked up too much in
my absence from work, we thought we should really do some future discussion and
enter the world of grown-ups: house ownership.
One of our closest friends had just purchased a house and we
thought, well why not. Now all the hoops you have to jump through could
practically be written in Greek. I don’t get it, but that word “pre-qualify”
came up and we knew the numbers would have to be “run.” Now I knew my husband’s
credit was trashed but mine was pretty good, but he made all the money.
After being optimistic out the ass as I always have to be,
even when I really just want to run into a cave and hide from the unfair nature
that is our lives, the nice lady over the phone with the results basically told
us that our ideals and optimism were shot. No house this year, and we had a bit
of a yellow brick road situation with some flying monkeys to deal with. Perhaps
having a house actually fall on us would be the most viable option.
As she was winding me around all the jargon I don’t
understand on the phone and I’m shaking my head to my husband all I could
picture was the moving poster from Harry Potter reading “Undesirable #1.” And
then I got a bit worked up.
Why is it that some of the most rotten people we know get
things handed to them like inheritances, newer cars, and an endless supply of
family hand outs, and we live paycheck to paycheck, pinch pennies and have no
luxuries in our midst and can’t catch a break? And it’s not just us! Some of
our most wonderful and hardworking friends ALSO have shit luck, and then we
watch these thankless, selfish assholes make the grade!?!
For lack of a better word: Bullshit. So I wound myself into
a mental cyclone and then look down at my daughter, who had a very challenging
first month of life, and was reminded of something: things aren’t really THAT
bad. And as bad as it is to say, they can always get worse!
It’s an unfairish life if you ask me, but in turn, I shouldn’t
be looking for others to justify my life. Sure I may have played it “by the
book” and made choices as close to the guidelines I’d been raised with as I
could, but just because some of our “frenemies” lived outside of it, is no true
reflection of what we have made for ourselves. We get enough judgment in the
world without asking, so I shouldn’t be seeking approval from anyone. Why waste
time longing for brownie points when we could just be making brownies?!
I think about the people I admire the most that have had to
deal with some horrible things in life. I think about the people who work so
hard and who have shared their worry and stories with us. I think about karma
and how the truly wretched people will pay for their wrongdoings and mistakes.
But mostly I realize that those people who seemingly have it “better” than you
or us probably have a whole set of problems we couldn’t even fathom! The more
money the more problems, right P. Diddy?
So I put myself back into check and realized no matter how
bitter the diatribe, no matter how bad the moment, the day or the situation, we
have more than we’ll ever need: each other. It’s corny and cliché for sure, but
that doesn’t make it any less true.
We, as a society, live very closed and secretive lives.
Somewhere along the timeline we lost our ability to sympathize and share
heartfelt stories and now relate almost everything to a “status” change or “check
in.” These updates currently allow us to call ourselves socialized. Well, my
status change will read “On our way to the life we want, one day at a time.” And
I guess we’ll check in as we end up in each stage of life, however bitter the
diatribe that the unfairish life had brought us from.
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