The Wonderful Thing About Triggers

No, TRIGGERS, not Tiggers! But what a wonderful alliteration, no? So here we begin for a Monday.

Being "Triggered," is now almost a trendy thing, and there are all forms of it. Some things can bring flashbacks, some can spark anxiety or prey on depression, some can make you want to eat all things, but triggers are real, and often tough to navigate.

In my early experiences for depression and anxiety therapy, they advocate you identify your triggers. This has been a new journey in all walks of my person life and it is both awakening and exhausting simultaneously.

Side comments and sarcasm can trigger. Sometimes things hit a nerve right? For me, I get triggered when I have someone who is extremely drunk or clearly high on pills/meth/cocaine bombard my bubble when I'm not expecting this. See, if I go to a bar or an establishment where alcoholics and addicts just are, I can adjust my expectations properly. If I am anywhere in broad daylight, especially around children, it always takes me aback, not that a parent might have wine or a beer near kiddos, but that someone could be unabashedly wasted around the smaller youth. These are triggers for me.

I know they are triggers for others as well and they can really mess with you at times. When I get triggered I either have a shorter fuse for patience, or I just sink a bit mentally. I feel like I have to mentally talk myself out of the funk until I can handle the situation at hand. It often feels uncomfortable and exhausting.

We don't like to talk about our feelings do we? This is the very foundation of the world of therapy and its profits because we pay to have someone draw it out of us. Navigating all of this stuff often makes us feel like we are in the woods with no compass and no signal for GPS. 

Triggers can come out of nowhere too, which can feel like a metaphorical throat punch that knocks the wind out of you, depending on the situation. I'd recently experienced a trigger where my husband was playfully poking fun at me about being a mean grouch but it took me back "Stranger Things" style to the black-back-rounded, wet floor vignette of watching an older alcohol-fueled argument of being yelled at for being "mean, mean, mean," and other not nice words and it just stopped me in my tracks. I kind of had to sit down and close my eyes and remind myself that's not where we are.

My husband explained a trigger to me where he gets uncomfortable with class birthday parties at people's homes serving alcohol. He said, "If you throw a BBQ for your friends with kids and serve alcohol, no biggie, you know everyone on that list and are offering food and refreshments. If you have a family and friends birthday party for your kid where you personally know all the parents, and you have alcohol available, whatever. But when you invite strangers into your house, people you don't know well, you invite and entire classroom and their parents to accompany them, and you have beer next to the Capri Sun, I think that's a little weird." I keyed into this and saw what he was talking about and I for one don't drink around people I just don't know well. Knowing the triggers, we find our way to deal.

Admitting triggers is tough, especially in a world where mental health awareness is still becoming mainstream. I think so many people just take it as another form of "sensitivity," to life but mental health matters are real and deserve some patience and respect.

I get very triggered amidst the disregard and disrespect for mental health as well. It isn't as intensive as some other instances, but triggered, nonetheless. I feel like some people get the idea to test the boundaries and I'd like to ask, please don't!

 

I've been on this planet 34 years and my mother JUST NOW has started acknowledging my anxiety, depression and related issues as more than just "a hard time," or "over-sensitivity." This is a whole new thing for us and sometimes it gets weird.

This isn't some PSA about walking on eggshells, either. I've lived that way. It's incredibly not worth it. This is about the general respect and awareness that everyone handles their lives and their struggles in completely different ways so generally be patient, be kind, and give them a little space on things.

I've had to use my patience and kindness dutifully lately and as of last night, I had to learn to respect the space as I have also needed my space respected. The wonderful thing about triggers though, is they are a gateway to better connection, and better understanding. A simple, "What triggered you?," can go a long way and getting an explanation can help you be more communicative and mindful for future interactions. This is a PROCESS, people! It is a process that takes time and energy. It's also not a "fix," but it can still mend broken fences, if you will. 

So to kick off a week I suggest you share and ask about triggers with those you know have heaviness in their minds. Try it and report back!

Selective Peopling...It's Not Them, It's Me

The older I get, the more I accept my introverted extroverted status in life. Look, I share an office with 2 to 5 people depending on the goings on. I'm a mother to a child that never stops talking unless she's asleep. My husband thrives with noise so there will be the bedroom TV on while he folds laundry in between cooking where the tablet is on with a cooking show some nights and then the kid watching whatever she's into for her down time in the evening, all at once. I LOVE MY QUIET.

My office always has some noise, I work in proximity to the TV/Radio studio for my company so there is white noise if you will, I like MY QUIET, which is music or a podcast I wanna watch with no one else in my ear. I have to be nice to the less than fantastic personalities I share said space with. I love my two bosses because they are busy and keep to themselves, my other co-workers, well one likes to talk too much about her cats, her bible study and her weird views on life and money, and the other one says the same cliche things to me and condescendingly calls me "Dear" to the point where I want to scream. I like quiet.

I do work with customers so I have to use all my kindness and patience with them and also with my child, sometimes with my husband. One thing I have learned: I can handle certain people, in certain circumstances, and most often mentally prep to do so, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

In wonderful text exchanges this week I realized that we all do this, purposefully or not, I'm just done pretending I don't. We have a birthday party to attend this weekend and the hosts are one of my all time favorite families ever. There will be mostly people I don't know. I can mingle and talk with everyone but by dinner, I'm going to need to hide in front of Netflix and snuggle my kid after all the peopling. 

And this is my Sunday struggle. See, church is supposed to be this peaceful place, but then I go and sometimes I only wanna engage with the people that know where I'm growing, yes growing. Sometimes I can get up the energy to just people in general, but it feels exhausting to do the "How do you do and shake hands," and put on the game face, more often than not. Sometimes I just wanna "be" and when I get the sense that the "be-ing" is going to be a task, I recoil and retreat.

I always remind people, "Keep inviting me to do stuff." It's not that I refuse to people and have fun. It's more, sometimes I'm mentally exhausted and need to do nothing. Sometimes we already have plans. Sometimes we don't have the gas money or extra money to attend things. Sometimes you're going to a restaurant I hate and don't want to have a stressful dining experience. And sometimes I just can't people that day. 

I like a lot of people in general. I can do really well in social situations, when I prep myself, but I also do well one on one. For every social exertion, in turn I need some reboot. For me, its the same as working out; everyone needs a rest day from time to time. My thing is, I'm really tired of feeling like I have to explain myself. I usually just resign to claiming, "Sorry I suck at planning right now," "Sorry I suck at this, that, xyz, right now."

I might be in a completely renewed, and healing place right now, a positive, happy place even, but that's just as delicate as when I'm navigating darkness and everyone handles their personal stuff differently. For so many close to me, I know church is their haven and safe place, but for me it is not. Growing up with a Presbyterian Pastor father but attending Catholic school can really mess up your religious views. For me, it has made me smart and cynical but also very sensitive to what church should be about.

When it comes to being around addiction, recovery, alcoholism and such, church can get very oppressive for me. In Catholic school you're sent to pray as punishment, but you're also supposed to pray that people just get "better" and "get right." There is no help when things don't work out that way, or so in my personal experience. At my dad's church you were meant to find your "Framily" you know the friends who are family thing, and take the message from the sermon, and get what you can from it for your current circumstances and learn. 

When my family was struggling most, my dad stopped "making me" go to church and let me have time to heal and grow until I was ready to come back. This is now my default when I struggle. Even in happy times, if I'm struggling to adapt and keep on growing, I need my time to heal and grow without feeling the pull towards what I'm "supposed" to do with myself. And when I go and people, and put myself out there it's a delicate thing. I have to people quite carefully. I recently let my husband in on this a little more but it's really hard to explain to people, and really exhausting to have to, so again I keep distance when needed. 

I think life is hard enough. It is exhausting with long days and shorter and shorter years I feel, and peopling is rough for those of us with anxiety and all the other things happening, in my humble opinion. I try to consider this when I interact with others, just how difficult it can all be and that other people might share this point of view with me even if they don't say it out loud. Consideration is huge and it seems to be lacking in it's consistency in this world. For those people who "get me," none of the above is a surprise and for those who don't, you may never get me and I'm super done pretending I even want to be "gotten." 

The point of all of this is that, peopling can be just as taxing as a heavy workout, just mentally so. And with mental health being merged into real discussions now, just take a moment and be kind to everyone because you never know how much peopling they can do, and what inner battles they face. Stay calm, stay patient and stay kind and remember it's most likely not a personal thing, but a peopling thing. 

Sobering Up, Growing Up, Leveling Up

I confess that I have done what most people do and spent time "numbing" the bad stuff. As a child of addiction I have never taken western medicine that wasn't prescribed, and if I've ever done so in excess, it messes with me hard core. I have loved wine for a long time, and never shy away from a good cocktail, and I'm usually one to try craft beers.

Who doesn't like a little buzz, right? For me it has always been the social aspect and the gathering routine. This weekend I didn't even drink in excess, but let me tell you, I'm kind of feeling a break up pending with alcohol. 

I'm about 90% sure I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand the inclination. I have had drinks to get drunk, I have had excessive amounts of drinks and I have had drama, fights and bad choice made under the influence. I'm not one for hangovers, to me they are a waste of a day, but I've had many and they are totally not worth it.

Funny how much is weighed in worth as you grow up. If something is worth your time, stress, effort and money even. To me, nothing is worth compromising my sleep. And guess what? I'm at that age where alcohol messes with my sleep too much. So it might be time to kick it out.

We haven't kept alcohol in our home for about 9 months or so. For me, it doesn't occur to me to make an extra trip to get it, or that it would be necessary to keep, so I don't really want it, if I don't have it around. If you give me a bottle of wine as a gift though, it's right out on the counter ready to be had with dinner.

Sobriety is a huge, huge thing in my world right now and I'm realizing just how much alcohol plays a regular part in most of aspects life, like it or not. Up until now I would drink in purely social situations and mostly on a night out with friends, but this weekend I had fun, and I just felt sleepy and down a peg the day after and I just feel like it was a total waste of energy after all is said and done.

This isn't some diatribe about quitting drinking forever and working the steps, but the "partying" aspect is officially off the table. I love socializing with food and wine or cocktails. I really do. On a "crazy" night, I'll have about 3 drinks in the span of 4 to 5 hours with lots and lots of water and definitely with food. That's as far as I go, if that, depending on the evening. However, the lagging sleepy feeling and the "faux" rest that I get post-indulgence is a huge a turn off.

If anything gets in my way of being productive and getting a good night's rest, it's out. My daughter often wants to sleep with me, but kicks the crap out of me, so her invading my space is only on a special occasion. If my husband snores too much, I hit the couch or make him sleep in the guest bedroom. If the dog won't settle down, I kick him out too. Zero tolerance.

I've closely reflected on what alcohol does to me, and others close to me, and especially with sober eyes, it's kind of intense. We all love a drunken adventure or drunken story. We all love a good laugh at the expense of a drunken idiot, right? Alcohol is always glamorized and romanticized. It's legal, easy to get and something all the cool kids do, right?

Well, I've grown into the realization that not only are all of those assumptions wrong, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've watched alcohol tear people down and completely apart. I've watched it destroy bodies, minds and lives. I've also watched people sober up, triumph and appreciate life more, without numbing agents.

Part of what I love about Dax Shepard's podcast, ArmChair Expert, is how much he talks about his addiction, his sobriety and his journey. It's so amazing and empowering to hear. So much of it is enlightening to my walk, my path, and my current journey, especially in my family.

I've had deep, important conversations with my best friends and immediate family about when the party "stops," so to speak. At a certain age, the drunk thing isn't really cute. It's kind of just humiliating. And as I've written about recently in excess, I'm not one who enjoys or endures humiliation well.

I woke up again feeling bloated and flabby, and dragged myself to the gym to sweat out the weekend. My leggings are not friendly today and I really want to order a burlap sack to rock the rest of the week and crawl into bed for a 6 hour nap. I realized that, I like the ritual of the alcohol more than I like the actual alcohol, and I think this "sobering thought" could take me to new places.

I have spent many years very closely watching myself, because when you grow up with an addict it's like a free lesson of "I don't want to ever do that and I never will." But most recently, I've looked back at some dark times and wished I'd treated myself and my world better. 

Not only do I want to get more into shape, but I mentally want to keep kicking ass because as I posted on my Instagram this morning, you start to heal the moment you feel heard. I finally feel heard, and feel seen and I'm done being afraid of either. I'm open-armed and very awake, even when I'm tired.

I just realized that for me, I'm a person who can enjoy a champagne toast or celebratory beer or glass of wine, but that's where it ends. More and more, if my sleep gets off it's rhythm, I'm unhinged and I need rest to be a nice, considerate, not horrible person. I don't need to drink weekly or monthly or for any real occasion. I actually don't need to drink at all. I'm just a person who isn't meant for party life. I've always failed at my attempts to be that girl.

I've pushed through, I've acted foolishly, I've sacrificed my health and well being to be that party person but "It Ain't Me, Babe." And what's more? I'm totally OKAY with that not being me. Don't get me wrong, if you have a new beer that is a must try, I will partake. If you buy a $1,000.00 bottle of wine, I wanna try that because what does $1,000.00 wine even taste like!? Although, I'd much rather have wonderful food. At the end of the day, the cake won't give me the hangover but the 4 mimosas will. Boundaries. Balance.

So, sobering up sounds like the best thing ever and I hate that it gets a bad wrap, especially when it comes to drug usage. Growing up has it's sucky moments but I happen to like that I'm coming to these conclusions and staying awake. Leveling up in life should be just as exhilarating as it was in Mario. Yes, more Mario references, get used to it.

I've made huge mistakes. I'm human. I've made horrible choices. I'm still human. I've partied hard and suffered the consequences, which sometimes was the hangover alone, other times just drunk-induced conflict and so on. Yup, still human. The other day a co-worker was audibly listening to sermons on her computer with her speakers on loud. I put in my headphones to drown it out. I dislike being preached "at." Everyone has a right to their beliefs and inviting others to hear about them is great; I dislike it being thrust upon me without a choice. Regardless, the snippet I heard was horrifying. This guy was talking about your sins being spiritual debt you can't really pay back. Like you can't repay the debt of your sins, and we carry around spiritual debt like we do credit card debt and school loans. That was a bad and disturbing analogy to me.

I think we most certainly can repay and repair our debts with growing up and leveling up, in all aspects of life. Every day is a new chance. Not everyone needs sobriety, and I don't judge. I mean Jesus did turn water into wine, so yeah -- that was a sarcastic joke by the way. I think we do our very best in our circumstances and at OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL PACE. I don't think it's fair to make sin out to be a form of "debt." I think we all just need to find our growth and our levels when we can, and keep kicking ass and taking names in all the small victories. Because, after all, we are all human...except Mario.