I confess that I have done what most people do and spent time "numbing" the bad stuff. As a child of addiction I have never taken western medicine that wasn't prescribed, and if I've ever done so in excess, it messes with me hard core. I have loved wine for a long time, and never shy away from a good cocktail, and I'm usually one to try craft beers.
Who doesn't like a little buzz, right? For me it has always been the social aspect and the gathering routine. This weekend I didn't even drink in excess, but let me tell you, I'm kind of feeling a break up pending with alcohol.
I'm about 90% sure I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand the inclination. I have had drinks to get drunk, I have had excessive amounts of drinks and I have had drama, fights and bad choice made under the influence. I'm not one for hangovers, to me they are a waste of a day, but I've had many and they are totally not worth it.
Funny how much is weighed in worth as you grow up. If something is worth your time, stress, effort and money even. To me, nothing is worth compromising my sleep. And guess what? I'm at that age where alcohol messes with my sleep too much. So it might be time to kick it out.
We haven't kept alcohol in our home for about 9 months or so. For me, it doesn't occur to me to make an extra trip to get it, or that it would be necessary to keep, so I don't really want it, if I don't have it around. If you give me a bottle of wine as a gift though, it's right out on the counter ready to be had with dinner.
Sobriety is a huge, huge thing in my world right now and I'm realizing just how much alcohol plays a regular part in most of aspects life, like it or not. Up until now I would drink in purely social situations and mostly on a night out with friends, but this weekend I had fun, and I just felt sleepy and down a peg the day after and I just feel like it was a total waste of energy after all is said and done.
This isn't some diatribe about quitting drinking forever and working the steps, but the "partying" aspect is officially off the table. I love socializing with food and wine or cocktails. I really do. On a "crazy" night, I'll have about 3 drinks in the span of 4 to 5 hours with lots and lots of water and definitely with food. That's as far as I go, if that, depending on the evening. However, the lagging sleepy feeling and the "faux" rest that I get post-indulgence is a huge a turn off.
If anything gets in my way of being productive and getting a good night's rest, it's out. My daughter often wants to sleep with me, but kicks the crap out of me, so her invading my space is only on a special occasion. If my husband snores too much, I hit the couch or make him sleep in the guest bedroom. If the dog won't settle down, I kick him out too. Zero tolerance.
I've closely reflected on what alcohol does to me, and others close to me, and especially with sober eyes, it's kind of intense. We all love a drunken adventure or drunken story. We all love a good laugh at the expense of a drunken idiot, right? Alcohol is always glamorized and romanticized. It's legal, easy to get and something all the cool kids do, right?
Well, I've grown into the realization that not only are all of those assumptions wrong, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've watched alcohol tear people down and completely apart. I've watched it destroy bodies, minds and lives. I've also watched people sober up, triumph and appreciate life more, without numbing agents.
Part of what I love about Dax Shepard's podcast, ArmChair Expert, is how much he talks about his addiction, his sobriety and his journey. It's so amazing and empowering to hear. So much of it is enlightening to my walk, my path, and my current journey, especially in my family.
I've had deep, important conversations with my best friends and immediate family about when the party "stops," so to speak. At a certain age, the drunk thing isn't really cute. It's kind of just humiliating. And as I've written about recently in excess, I'm not one who enjoys or endures humiliation well.
I woke up again feeling bloated and flabby, and dragged myself to the gym to sweat out the weekend. My leggings are not friendly today and I really want to order a burlap sack to rock the rest of the week and crawl into bed for a 6 hour nap. I realized that, I like the ritual of the alcohol more than I like the actual alcohol, and I think this "sobering thought" could take me to new places.
I have spent many years very closely watching myself, because when you grow up with an addict it's like a free lesson of "I don't want to ever do that and I never will." But most recently, I've looked back at some dark times and wished I'd treated myself and my world better.
Not only do I want to get more into shape, but I mentally want to keep kicking ass because as I posted on my Instagram this morning, you start to heal the moment you feel heard. I finally feel heard, and feel seen and I'm done being afraid of either. I'm open-armed and very awake, even when I'm tired.
I just realized that for me, I'm a person who can enjoy a champagne toast or celebratory beer or glass of wine, but that's where it ends. More and more, if my sleep gets off it's rhythm, I'm unhinged and I need rest to be a nice, considerate, not horrible person. I don't need to drink weekly or monthly or for any real occasion. I actually don't need to drink at all. I'm just a person who isn't meant for party life. I've always failed at my attempts to be that girl.
I've pushed through, I've acted foolishly, I've sacrificed my health and well being to be that party person but "It Ain't Me, Babe." And what's more? I'm totally OKAY with that not being me. Don't get me wrong, if you have a new beer that is a must try, I will partake. If you buy a $1,000.00 bottle of wine, I wanna try that because what does $1,000.00 wine even taste like!? Although, I'd much rather have wonderful food. At the end of the day, the cake won't give me the hangover but the 4 mimosas will. Boundaries. Balance.
So, sobering up sounds like the best thing ever and I hate that it gets a bad wrap, especially when it comes to drug usage. Growing up has it's sucky moments but I happen to like that I'm coming to these conclusions and staying awake. Leveling up in life should be just as exhilarating as it was in Mario. Yes, more Mario references, get used to it.
I've made huge mistakes. I'm human. I've made horrible choices. I'm still human. I've partied hard and suffered the consequences, which sometimes was the hangover alone, other times just drunk-induced conflict and so on. Yup, still human. The other day a co-worker was audibly listening to sermons on her computer with her speakers on loud. I put in my headphones to drown it out. I dislike being preached "at." Everyone has a right to their beliefs and inviting others to hear about them is great; I dislike it being thrust upon me without a choice. Regardless, the snippet I heard was horrifying. This guy was talking about your sins being spiritual debt you can't really pay back. Like you can't repay the debt of your sins, and we carry around spiritual debt like we do credit card debt and school loans. That was a bad and disturbing analogy to me.
I think we most certainly can repay and repair our debts with growing up and leveling up, in all aspects of life. Every day is a new chance. Not everyone needs sobriety, and I don't judge. I mean Jesus did turn water into wine, so yeah -- that was a sarcastic joke by the way. I think we do our very best in our circumstances and at OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL PACE. I don't think it's fair to make sin out to be a form of "debt." I think we all just need to find our growth and our levels when we can, and keep kicking ass and taking names in all the small victories. Because, after all, we are all human...except Mario.
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