Motherhood Can Feel Lonely...And It Really Shouldn't

Last year I had a casual conversation with a fellow mom at church who had just had her second baby. We were talking about normal things in terms of infancy and how she had forgotten some things between her first who was then 4, and her second one. Wherever we ended up in the conversation I said to her, "And it can feel so lonely," and without hesitation her retort was, "Yes, I know! It CAN feel lonely!"

I felt a connection with her since then but later upon reflection my heart sank. There are literally millions upon millions of women who are mothers on this planet. There are even some fathers who end up being motherly! We shouldn't feel lonely, and the fact that we have those moments, breaks my heart. 

We're in a sensitive society right now I feel. I respect all opinions, but when playground talk turns into politics, personal beliefs, whether religious or otherwise, and parenting methods, things can get ugly, and fast.

One of my longest and physically closest mom friends and I began our friendship based on the fact that I didn't judge her as a parent and she returned the favor. I witnessed some pretty harsh mom on mom stuff at a birthday party last year that has forever been branded into me and what I want to say is this: You never know where someone else is in their life, their journey or their state of mind and judgmental words and commentary can hurt. I wish we could all just be patient and be kind. It's not your responsibility to parent the world.

Now, granted, if another child physically harms mine, the mama bear can come out but as a whole I try and teach Luna to just think "Well maybe he had a bad day or things are tough at home, we don't know. You use your words and express your feelings and let him feel his." Or hers.

I don't care who you are, and if you've never seen Bad Moms, watch it immediately because it posits some serious truths that support that motherhood and parenting is hard. We shouldn't be AGAINST each other. Often my mom friend and I that live judgment free hit the park with our kiddos and when we see other little ones being scolded for the same things we scold for or acting the same way ours do at their moms we joke, "Oh good, it's not just us!" See? We're NOT alone.

I know we use so much of our patience on our tiny humans that sharing that with the rest of the world is often difficult but I've worked so hard on becoming less judgmental in general but especially when it comes to other moms. Now the birthday party scene that scarred me, was an instant of watching other unfair judgment and my not knowing how to handle it but by being especially kind to the mom victim and her little one. She handled it much better than I could have, in my humble opinion.

It's funny because years ago when I was deep into some of the darkest places of my life with work, family, marriage and what felt like everything, I was called out for my judgment and being a "hater." What it really was, now that I look back, was a "Comparison Hangover," which Kristen Bell has explained on her husband's podcast, ArmChair Expert, to be when you get stuck in the social media and life haze of watching everyone else and judging them and yourself based on what their lives and experience look like, or that's what I got from it.

And, as a mom, hangovers of any kind are so much worse than they were before baby. Side note, Kristen Bell is a gorgeous mental health advocate, wonderful mother, great actress and I want to meet her someday and have lunch. I digress, and once I stopped thinking in terms of comparison, of "She's a better mom, she's a smarter mom, or a kinder mom," and started thinking "She makes great lunches and dresses them so cute! She has a great job and must balance a lot! She doesn't even raise her voice and her kids respond so well!' 

It's been a process. It IS a process but my aim is to be welcoming so that no mother that crosses my path, feels alone. I hated those feelings. Especially early on. Between postpartum and all the new mom stuff, feeling so alone is just so hurtful and I wish I had been kinder to myself and been more comfortable admitting, "Hey I'm lonely and I really would love some help here."

Moreover, I think each mom can teach me something and we all have so much to learn! I remember when a mom at my boot camp heard me complaining about Luna's cold and said "Vapor rub on the feet with socks on and run a hot shower when she's at her worst and sit with her in then." My mind was blown and we became friends after that! 

With all of this said, I will also advocate the importance of taking a step back if you feel judge or feel like you're just in a "judgey" place. We all have those moments. We're mothers, we're supposed to be imperfect. Why do you think Mary Poppins is a fictional character and just a nanny? No one can be "Practically Perfect in every way!"

Finding your boundaries and setting them can feel just as daunting as being open to all these suggestions but they are just suggestions. This is coming from 5 rough, ROUGH personal years of motherhood and womanhood, so I just want to impart what I have learned because if there is just ONE reader who can get something from this? Mission accomplished!