Tired Is Just Part of Who I Am Now...#Mombie

Motherhood is exhausting, no way around it but there are many awesome memes about tired just being part of who we are in parenthood. There is no such thing as enough rest for a parent and we soldier on, regardless.

A couple years ago after our family's car accident I was headed to my first day back at work, bruised and battered, trying to pick up the pieces and someone said, "You look tired." I snapped back, "Yeah well being up twice a night giving my child with 2 casts on her legs her pain medicine and changing diapers again because she can't use the toilet is kind of exhausting so I'm always tired now." I believe an apology was issued for the remark but I didn't feel bad; I was tired after all.

I am always tired and I think that is just a part of my life now. Before becoming a mother, "tired" was always associated with nights out, hangovers and fun with friends or maybe a concert or double shift. Now it's because of sick kids, different sleeping patterns, snoring husbands or on the worst nights, sick pets. And mothers are always the caretakers. 

I have been legitimately ill twice in the past 6 years and when Luna was about 8 months old and I got the flu, my best friend had to bring me reserves and when my husband was home, the most rest I got was in between the fact that he would physically just hand me my daughter to pop on the boob. This past year I was taken down for 3 full days and missed 2 days of work due to some kind of plague. My husband had to take my daughter to school, my mom had to pick her up and feed and bathe her. I physically put her in bed but would barely snuggle her because I felt like death and didn't want her to get whatever I had.

When I re-emerged slightly for the better 72 hours later, it looked like I lived in a frat house covered in stickers and traces of toddler. My husband's clothes were strewn on couches. There were McDonald's boxes and wrappers on my piano and tables, there were cups left out and the dishwasher and sink were full. The laundry hadn't been touched, just piled onto. "How long was I in there?," I thought. 

In general, I run on coffee and work-outs. I no longer work out to look cute or fit into things. I have no one left to impress as an old mom and I never intend to "fit in." I work out for survival. It's a tool to cut down on my anxiety and depression, but mostly it keeps me sleeping well and energized for a bulk of the day. But generally speaking, I am just tired.

My dad always says, "You sound tired" or maybe "run down." I usually make fun of him by telling him he sounds "old." My energy is always expended maintaining our daily routines and while I like volunteering for church and being with friends and socially living among the general population, I also love any down time I can snag because it's so few and far between. I'm learning to say "no" from time to time. 

I literally ask for a nap for Christmas, my birthday, and mother's day and book these things up to a year in advance. I say sleep is my favorite hobby and my husband always retorts, "It's not really a hobby." Well, it is for me. 

I'm okay with looking and being tired because I'm lucky enough to be living life and watching my daughter grow. I was so bad at the, "You should sleep when the baby is sleeping" stuff because I just wanted to eat or pee in peace. Or clean without her attached to me. Now I am right behind her for bed time because getting up before her is oh so important for many reasons. Coffee tastes so much better...in silence.

I think in infancy we know what we are signing on for but my daughter is about to be 6 and she still visits us at least once a night. My cousin has a one year old and text me one day a few months ago asking "Luna sleeps through the night now, right?" I think I literally text back, "Hahahahahahaha." My daughter feels the need to tell me when she's up to pee, if she heard anything ever in her life at night, and if she had a bad dream, and according to her, she "always," has bad dreams.

I've never met a well rested parent. And this makes me so happy because misery and exhaustion love company! And Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff were on point because "Parents just don't understand." I will never understand where or how they get their energy but they should really learn to share.

Regardless, I'm okay with being a #Mombie. I do as much as I can and am also learning when to say..."when." Sometimes I need that extra half an hour of sleep. Sometimes I need to do nothing on Sunday morning but re-watch Parks and Rec and drink endless coffee. Sometimes I need to be exhausted and power through but go to bed early. Tired is my state of being much like Mom will forever be my title. "Rest" assured that I would stay tired forever to never miss the adventure of motherhood though, I will tell you that. And for those of you greedy sleepers out there...you drink that in for me please. No, seriously, take a nap for me.