"It's Really Liberating Saying 'No' To Sh*t You Hate," And Other Discomforts

I'm sitting on my newly revamped porch area with my pug all bundled up on a windy winter Florida day while my little one is at a neighbor's. And before I do all the obligatory cleaning I decided to put on some vinyls, make some lavender tea and blog it up.

When I'm in times of deepest turmoil, I always revisit a series of some kind that also seems to be dramatic and rife with human pain and emotion. Or I join the hype of a show that was the coolest 5 years ago and finally understand what people are talking about. Last year I watched the HBO gem "Girls." While my mom talks about her distaste for Lena Dunham, I actually loved watching that series and quickly took to her writing and her character.

Not only was she a middle-sized, big mouthed writer, much like myself, but she really had to go through some crazy growth within that show and I liked watching the journey. To this day one of my favorite quotes she says is, "Ya know it's really liberating saying "No" to shit you hate so I'll just be over here, livin' my truth." I've recently started embracing the whole, "saying no to shit you hate," stuff and she has a point.

I feel like we are constantly under pressure to do more so we feel so very obligated to do so on a regular basis. So, we say yes to things that are inconvenient or challenging. Now, to be clear, saying yes to things that get you out of your comfort zone and into finding new friends is something I advocate, but being pushed into doing things you dislike or that make you stressed, miserable and dreading the situation, I don't see the point of that. So I've stopped that whole charade as much as I possibly can. 

This isn't to say I don't show up for my kid, either. Of course I go to the birthday parties I don't really want to, the school events that makes me roll my eyes, and all of those type of things but when you're asking me to do something I really have a distaste for I think you know your answer. 

I hit a wall last year mentally and opened my eyes to something important about myself; there's only so much controlled chaos I can handle. I stress out about planning things or being at the mercy of others plans. It's not a simple thing for me. With the right notice, I can properly psych myself up for certain events but when you put all of your energy into setting up for something, based on someone else's request and the idea that you were "needed" only to have then become completely unnecessary it can make you feel really frustrated. 

When I was already dealing with personal chaos, putting myself into social chaos just became too much. So unless I could accept the variables of how an event could go, I started to say no. And it was indeed personally liberating.

There are millions of memes going around about toxic this, toxic that and self care. I'm a quote hoarder, meaning I hoard quotes and sayings on my Pinterest boards non stop for inspiration or because they hit me in some way that I feel they are worth holding onto. I started realizing that not only was it okay to say no from time to time; it was very necessary. 

And it's not even all about stuff I hate but cultivating what helped me grow. When I'm in a bad place mentally I find the people who I can vent to and who will complain with me as cheerleaders, which can feel supportive but also keep me in a darker zone. When I'm focusing on growth and positive change, I find the people who are constructively there for support and don't get bogged down with the "have nots," but instead with the "haves." Concentrating on what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do, is a downward spiral in my opinion and personal experience.

As mentioned many times before, when you're coming off of years of "rough terrain" in life and finally seeing potholes filled and traffic cleared with more green lights ahead, you can see things more clearly, or so I feel I can at least. So I'm able to reflect on the progress and how far I've come.

It's hard to feel like you're "letting down" people when you say no, but then there is a feeling of redemption in it too. I used to just go do all the things whether I could really afford them or not and then lose sleep because I overspent or, now I have to cut back and redo this all for one night out. And this was because "Well they invited me and it's rude to say no." Or I'd decide all the ways I might deserve the night out as a justification. It just amplified my anxieties. 

It took me a long, hard year. I had to take a huge step back from and identify the triggers. And I learned to carry less and just shoulder what I could. So when I couldn't afford it, I said so. I said "nope, I can't, sorry," and it felt weirdly awesome. If it was something I knew would make me mentally or socially uncomfortable, I said "no," but if it was something new and exciting or a chance to better get to know people, I jumped in.

There's a fine line. It's different for everyone. I'm not saying you have to say no to shit you hate. Some people hate working out but we definitely all need it for our health in some way, shape or form. I'm saying, let's not do the things that take away from your "okayness." When I was already not okay and I kept putting myself out there for event and party and gathering and everything without taking a single moment to reboot, I was very much not okay. So I had to find my boundaries.

It's not been easy, but I found ways to make it work for me and I write this to encourage any reader to do the same. Maybe this isn't a "mom" post technically but instead is just a general shout out to those feeling wobbly. Feeling wobbly sucks because it's hard. You just want to get your bearings. But finding your footing is liberating. And finding your own personal triumphs of "yes" and "no" can be freeing. 

So for this Sunday, I said no to some stuff, and I'm saying yes to anyone who wants to discuss this more. You may comment and email me or anything. You can always say no though, hence the post.