Yelling At Your Children: Why Do They Only Hear Certain Decibels?

For being such a short person, I'm freakishly loud. Being loud is natural to me. It's like I've had to make up for my legitimate shortcomings so I'm just boisterous and turned up volume-wise. This is very much like Monica on Friends, by the way; the similarities are uncanny.

However, when I yell, I YELL. It all started with the dog. You gotta blame the dog! Dogs are like training for kids only they don't talk back as much, or so we thought when we got our pug. He was and is a great dog for the most part but when I've yelled, I've yelled very loudly. As someone already loud, just imagine my volume when I need to be...louder. I can reach different cities I bet!

I don't think the real kid-yelling phase started until Luna was about 2, and mostly it was out of "Be careful" and not so much in scolding. The car accident knocked me down a peg or two in terms of perspective on what is yell-worthy, but age 5 has tested everything. 

You know how when kids need your attention, they say "Mom, mom, mom," continuously for an infinite time? It doesn't matter if you're in the bathroom, on the phone, concentrating on something, reading or literally speaking to someone else standing in front of them, they must have your immediate attention. As moms we can drown it out to a point but then they raise their voices and at some point, and then, personally, I crack and the mom loud comes out! Like a mom mega-phone.

My daughter is too much like me and when the TV is on, nothing else is happening. I'm just in the zone when I'm into a show, and so is she if My Little Pony is on. Then the attention-getting voice goes from its normal tone, to louder than said TV program and finally to, "YOU NEED TO HEAR ME NOW BEFORE I TOSS THE TV IN THE TRASH."

And I swear they only hear you when you're so loud you feel like you're screaming in a horror movie and then they get upset that you're loud. It's such a weird cycle. Now, I don't know about any other moms, but I always immediately have this gut check of "Aw man now I've completely wrecked her for life and need to start saving for therapy because I yelled too much!," so then I go apologize.

In the past 2 years I've actually started to be brutally honest with my daughter when it comes to life things. "Mommy was mad because daddy hurt her feelings and then she was just sad for the day." "Mommy needs to not watch Daniel Tiger for another hour but have a little time in her room." "Mommy is hungry and cranky and done with today!"

She seems to respond better to this than any time I mimic her tantrums whether to actually mock her or because I myself am at that mental breaking point. Sometimes the teasing is a distraction she needs and loves. Sometimes she just gets mad I'm teasing her. We fight a lot, we're mom and daughter.

You read all these parenting books and hear all these ideas from other parents about how yelling is harmful and such, but then you just reach your boiling point and it's the only trick you have left. I am mindful about it, but sometimes as moms, you gotta just yell! 

I don't remember being yelled at unless I was seriously in trouble, but I remember fearing the "yell" to the point where I would tread lightly. My daughter doesn't seem to do this. She just kind of physically cowers when the loud comes out and I always remind her that I don't yell to scare her, I yell to grab her attention like I would if she were far away.

One thing that yelling does is create that fear, which I struggle with. I don't want my kid to be afraid of me in the sense that I'm an enemy or "Momster." I want that respect kind of fear like, "Don't mess with mom!" I think we all do. As women, sometimes I feel that we just want that power of, "I'm super nice until you cross me, and then fear my wrath!" 

Think of all the memes that portray this for "Resting Bitch Face" and the "Mom stare" for when you need your kid to know he or she is in trouble but you're out in public trying not to create a scene. It's all so ridiculous, but it's what we do.

Yelling is even ridiculous if you think about it, but it's what we do. My daughter yells at me too. In that way, we have the perfect relationship. I'd sit here and devise a resolution to not yell, but in most circumstances it's almost like a reflex; I barely realize until my voice is getting hoarse. Other times I can scale it back and I do. 

I truly believe that, like dogs, sometimes your children can only hear and respond to certain decibels and as moms we have a natural talent for hitting said decibels to command attention. Most other moms that are "yellers" like me, have the same sentiment of "Why do I HAVE to yell!??" But it seems to just be some kind of primal and natural thing. 

And, as someone who is just naturally loud, being told to take it down just provokes me to want to be louder, much like my child being told to use her "inside voice." What can I say? We're a work in progress. After all is said and done at least we were heard though!