Perspective Is Half The Battle

You know that really annoying saying that personal trainers use too often, "Mind over matter?" Or like, "It's all a mental battle," and overthinking and expectations are bad?

It's taken me two rough and therapeutic years to wrap my head around what should be a reasonable concept, that perspective is everything, but I'm closer than I've ever been before and here to write about it!

This is something I work on daily. It is very much another practice in mindfulness. I work hard to internally chose my attitude and react to things after some thought, instead of only first reactions. It's like typing an angry text, just never press send because there is no "unsend."

Sometimes I think I'm just too tired for the fight and the terror state anymore. I'd really like to think it has everything to do with growth and evolving as an adult, even though I think adulting is crap, but there are certainly some parts that are important. 

Here are a few examples: during an extremely dark phase where I was making less than awesome choices, I was angry, irrational and just so filled with every part of me being upset that I was losing control. I was consumed by my personal turmoil. This made me self-conscious, unhealthy, insecure, and very obnoxious at times. I started to adopt a "Forget you" attitude about people that weren't acting the way I wanted, and anyone who didn't support my mania.

None of it worked. I was miserable. One friend, who was also going through some shit, and I had a row because we were taking out the dysfunction on each other instead of lending support. Never again, we said after finally coming to peace. To this day I hate that we even hit that point. And I hate that I had a heavy hand in it. 

Another example is, how much time have I wasted being upset over something I just can't change? I can't make the result any different. I just can't. I can only react to what is in front of me, to the best of my ability. I can't force someone to text me back, no matter how much I want a response. I can't force someone to reach out to me, when I'm feeling tired of being "the friend who checks in." I can't make someone want to make time to be around me, I can only be enjoyable to them if they choose to make the time! Or so I can try.

None of this is simple. All of it is uncomfortable. All of it revolves around perspective. 

One time I got called out on being a hater. The person who brought this to me, wasn't wrong, but there was no tact in telling me, or possible understanding that I might be deflecting my own personal detriment onto the accomplishments of others. And it was some time after that I realized my perspective was just completely off.

It wasn't about what I didn't have and what others did. It was about my outlook. With that said, for a long time I was talking myself out of my ambitions and goals and into accepting what I thought was my status. This wasn't quite the best direction, unfortunately. It was a slight derail but I've made my rounds now. 

And it's at this point where I'm more peaceful than I have been for a long time, which often borders on ambivalence, but I'm taking it for what it is, less stress. I seem to have figured out my tribe and whom I can converse with about what. This is quite a science.

When I was being a self-destructive mess, I told everyone everything and got a lot of judgement and negative advice. You learn really quickly to be more selective about who you let in when you do that. When I started to better cultivate my feelings, I was able to express myself and what I needed much better. And people responded way better to the amendments, let me tell you.

I stopped planning things with the ideas that "this might work for them." I could be invited, I could do everything in my power to attend, if it happened, it happened, if not, more time at home or with my daughter or to myself. I started limiting the obligatory events, tasks and meet-ups and shamed myself less for self care. I stopped obsessing about the responses of others.

I wish I could have all those hours I lost obsessing over text messages that were never read, never responded to, or responded to in ways I didn't like, back. I wish I could have those hours back to use wisely. I would probably have a vacation out of it. I'm much less anxious about it. In fact I had one crazy slip in the last 6 months where I lost it over some mixed communications and I was like, 'Never again. You achieved nothing, you didn't feel better after the tantrum and you looked like a psycho. Nope. Done."

We try to decode what has no code. We read too much into a simple text, and we put too much emotion into stunted communication. How else do you think the emoji was born? Seriously!

It's all about how you approach things, how you look at things, and that ever-important reaction. It's easy to mis-read, especially in the world of text messages and broken communication. It's easy to overthink. I feel like I may be the single best over-thinker ever. But I've been more mindful to not do that...as much!

I got a text from a friend last week talking about being busy and texting inhibiting cell-phone work related functions. I could have let it crush me and tank my day. I mean who wouldn't want to talk to me!? But instead I just said some nice things and asked to be text sometime when not at work or interfering. I still haven't heard back, but there are so many extenuating circumstances in life. I refuse to think of myself as "not important enough" or "not a priority" for someone. I cannot force interaction or anyone's acceptance of the many ways of Alison. When it is meant to be significant, when we can make the time, it will happen, or so I've discovered recently. I leave the universe to it.

Maybe this sounds, a little too "hippie dippy" as my husband says from time to time. Maybe it sounds like too much mental maintenance. I will say this, I have seen many changes, especially in my anxiety, by exercising these coping mechanisms for upset. Because it can feel upsetting when you reach out and get no response or one you didn't really want. It can all feel so defeating and rejecting at times. But it's all about the perspective. If you adjust your perspective, however small, it can have pretty big effects.

This isn't an entry about doing it "my way" or to change your life. But as an anxious, depressive, overthinking mess of a woman who deals with a lot on a regular basis and is finally coming to terms with her trauma, if my journey can help ONE person. Then this blog is worth everything. It's just something to think about. Pursue different perspectives. I'd love to hear from you all! Feel free to reach out!