When Your Priorities Change

Priorities change, in my opinion, most naturally when you enter parenthood. Priorities can change, violently when you become a mom, or so was my personal experience. This is usually coined as maternal instinct. Your priorities then change when you begin adulting more. You want a house, a newer car, furniture sets. You need a stable job, you want salary, paid vacations and so on and so forth. Your priorities change.

Everyone has this happen at difference paces and stages. They shift often in life, and that is okay. Recently I acknowledged the largest shift I've felt in awhile and instead of feeling some kind of shame or resentment, it is a welcome, pretty organic shift. 

The tales of my drinking days are legendary mostly because I was that drunken girl that always made a fool out of myself. I told my best friend's girlfriend at the time that I really hated her, and then she had to redress me and she slept next to me because I was so intoxicated when I was 19. Those days are long gone, let me tell you. What does my crazy drinking night look like now? A cocktail or a glass of wine with a great meal, two drinks if I'm about to get insane. This happens maybe twice a month.

Drinking just isn't a thing in my life, in our lives, anymore. We don't keep any alcohol in the house and we never go out. And if we splurge on treats? They are dessert based. 

This shift doesn't bother me. It offered slightly stressful admissions and confrontations in the past but now, it just feels good. It doesn't register to me to want or need some kind of drink to take an edge off. Okay, maybe tea or coffee. It also doesn't feel like a necessity to have at a dinner table, it is usually about with whom I share my company. 

There are days where I might want a nice cold beer from a favorite brewery, but I never want to spend my time or money that way when we're having fun at home, or doing something else. There are bad nights where I wish I could unwind with a glass of wine, but then I could wake with a headache or hangover and ruin the next day if I don't drink enough water. It's not worth the trip to get the wine and then wrestle with the bottle. Bring on the SleepyTime tea!

Your priorities can change all over the place and often, but not all of them will feel like a positive shift. When I was in darker places mentally, my priorities did include drinking for distraction, being out to avoid being home, and spending like I had something to prove. These all have contributed to the current shift, and are other reasons why I feel such affirmation this round.

I like that my world no longer revolves around that as a social thing. I'd much prefer breakfast and an epic cup of coffee anyway. I'd rather indulge in dessert than "get drunk." Chocolate wasted is even better!

I've started to pay close attention to what I like to invest my time in, and what I don't. I am quick to embrace routines and keep up with them, but I struggle with letting go of my comfort zones.

Friend and The Office are my in the background, mentally exhausted, "comfort food," binge shows. If I don't know what to watch or how to deal, they are just on a loop. I hang in my bed a lot and ration chores more instead of taking them all on. I know I need to better prioritize my self care. It's on my list, and I'm a work in progress so, I'll get there.

Once I establish my routine, breaking it can be rough and often comes with many contingency plans. For example, I go to a spin class with a neighbor as her guest and I always have a backup plan for a workout in case something comes up and she won't be able to go with me. Having multiple options for how things play out are important to me anymore. It's a close as "go with the flow," and I can get, so I do my best!

When your priorities change it is my most humble opinion, that you are in some periods of transition. These can be good or bad transitions, in my experience, but shifts nonetheless. When I change my priorities it helps me shift my outlook, my attitude and can alleviate my anxiety. This is huge.

I've been incredibly focused on the mental health and growth of my immediate family being my, husband, daughter and even dog. And myself, yes, myself. With that comes a lot of renewed takes on outlooks, attitude adjustments and navigating my nagging anxiety.

As I've changed my priorities, moving them closer to home, my anxiety has been far more manageable and this is a huge win for me, so I keep nursing this progress gently. I've had to protect my well being more and take a step back from questionable situations, friendships and circumstances, but all for the better. 

Priority changes don't really just happen overnight. They are more so goals. If you want to go out less and save more, it's a day to day plan and determination. If your priority is making sure your child can enroll in fall sports, maybe you forego weekly coffee or coupon more. If your priority is more concentrated time with your hubby maybe you turn off your phone for awhile when you're together. It all takes energy and purpose.

However it all works for you, could be completely different than my experience but I welcome anyone to share. Life is busy and crazy but it seems to me that if your priorities match the mania, you'll fair well in the end. I can always report back, especially if my experience is the opposite!

Intimidation Station

My husband and I had a conversation about family stuff and he mentioned that with certain people I come off as intimidating. I'd never really thought about my being intimidating but more that I just don't hide being annoyed.

When I got home I said to him, "I'm not so sure about this whole me looking intimidating thing. Because at work I had someone tell me she wasn't feeling so well, so she was heading to the bathroom and I wanted to say 'Eww, don't tell me that,' and I always prefer not to be bothered and look generally annoyed and yet no one gets the hint!" My husband laughed and rolled his eyes.

He said, "Yeah that's work Alison who wants to avoid conflict and just be left alone to get through her day. They all probably think you just have resting bitch face." He then went on to say that when I'm on my home turf, and when I'm standing firmly, I can bring on the intimidation. It left me thinking a bit.

I wouldn't say I had good or bad self esteem necessarily, or maybe I wouldn't even say I had any at all, but there are certainly times when I am completely no nonsense. I'm not sure if I've hardened with age, or I just have a stronger no-bullshit-o-meter. I very much wear the "do not harm but take no shit" mantra.

It was just a funny thing for him to have brought to my attention, mostly because I've inadvertently conditioned myself to carry myself certain ways depending on the company, or the situation. My sisters can feel when I'm pre-meltdown and about to lose my cool. My dad helps even me out by responding in calm ways to keep me calm. My mom is probably what taught me to be intimidating and rely on resting bitch face, not because that's what she does, but because that's how I've had to handle myself with her.

I think we armor ourselves with certain things to get us through whatever we are in the middle of. When I'm walking downtown I usually have headphones in or I'm on the phone. This is so no homeless dudes or survey people approach me for inappropriate commentary, to ask for change or to get too close to my personal space bubble. I feel like these are polite and socially acceptable ways of saying "No thanks, just passing through."

After watching an old favorite Dane Cook skit, I remembered him talking about saying something to someone who sneezed on him and he said, "I said, 'God Bless You,' but I said it in the tone of 'Cover your f***ing mouth.'" I kind of feel like that might be the best description for my general demeanor when in a mood. I can say the nice things but in a snarky way so you know I'm not having it.

But as far as being intimidating, I feel like that's a compliment. One thing I never want to portray is any kind of weakness. I like being a veiled threat of a human, like I don't look so bad until you unleash the kracken type of thing, haha or so I would hope.

I'm very often underestimated, and I try to use that to my advantage honestly. I also just have no room to be messed with anymore. If you are going to come at me with some ridiculousness, disrespect or no consideration, I'm not going to sit idly by. It's taken me years to own my story, and I'm not going backwards, only forwards.

On the other hand, I don't live to scare people by any means. Most people don't get the intimidation vibe from me in general, until they piss me off. That's when, what my old friend used to so beautifully put, I will "set you ablaze with my eyes."

I think as women we learn that we have to bring something more to the table and be the mom/employee/friend/wife/woman that doesn't put up with nonsense and we all carry that differently. For me, apparently, I come across intimidating but I think that's okay.

I am sassy, sarcastic and cynical. These are the things I wear as my armor, now I'm adding on some intimidating stuff because I'm growing and not being afraid to be me. I wish I could be offended that my husband brought it up but I'm still keeping it as a compliment, no matter how silly that sounds. 

Maybe Michael Scott has been right all along!

The Parenting Wall

We've all had those moments. Those moments when you're just done parenting. It's time to tap out. Those times when you hit, the parenting wall.

 

The pictures above are from a favorite indie film, Run Fatboy Run, where they talk about the "runner's wall," that every marathon runner hits. Well, all of us parents hit the parenting wall too.

I hit my parenting wall on Saturday around 8PM. My daughter may actually speak more than she breathes, and car rides are grueling in every way. Between the, "Are we there yet's?," the complaints in general, asking for the snacks, arguing about the music and random fits where I have to distract her so as not to tantrum, anything over 20 minutes and she loses it.

We had a great Saturday but there was a lot of car time, and a lot of people to see. When we got home around 7:45PM from being on the go since 9AM, I was just so done. I just wanted to eat something real and rest but, alas, I still had adulting to do.

By the time I sat down to eat at 8:45PM, my powers were diminishing rather than renewing. My daughter started in about sleeping in our room instead of hers and I had lost the will to scold or argue. By 9:45PM we were tucked in and ready to go in the big bed. By 3AM I was wedged between her and the dog but was luckily too exhausted to struggle and just gave into only "okay" sleep.

I mustered my way around the wall a bit on Sunday, but then cleaned our whole house, and when my husband walked in, the wall had rebuilt to the point of no return. I WAS DONE PARENTING. I HIT THE PARENTING WALL. I tapped out. I threw a tantrum at my husband and that was it.

After many conversations with amazing people, I've realized that we hit the parenting wall repeatedly. And it's completely okay.

There are no real guide books on parenting. I mean there are, but they won't fix every situation because every kid is so different, as is every family. You can ask for advice and ask what to do, but the best thing is still going to be going with your gut and all your natural instincts. 

Kids are smart. They talk back. They make questionable choices. We're supposed to guide these little beings while still trying to figure out our own stuff. What kind of crap is that, right? It's life, though.

Today, I just offered to listen. Then I offered a solution and offered up different ways to help. I offered up what worked on me in my childhood. Yesterday, I listened, I offered support and was reminded that everything is just one day at a time, and it's okay to step back from what you feel is overwhelming.

Parenting is overwhelming...at every stage in life. If your 6 year old is sassy and talking back, or if your 13 year old is acting out and evading your parental advice, or your 20-something year old isn't pulling their weight around the house, you'll hit your parenting wall and you just have to scale it, and come back on the other side.

This is easier said than done. No one "parents right." No one has some perfect kid. We are all just doing what we can, and that's all we can do. Everything is temporary. That is a fact and also cliche.

You'll hit the wall, sometimes even daily, but you still prevail, right? It's normal. It's okay, and you're not remotely alone in the struggle. Kid and family time is such an intensive blessing, but we are also all humans who need a break too. You gotta find your balance. And remember, just because you hit the wall or want to tap out, it doesn't mean you aren't trying. You're doing better than you think you are! Carry that with you; up and over that wall if you need to! Tomorrow is another day, so until then!

Weight A Minute

Weight stuff sucks. I just text my husband a "feeling fat" reference and he told me that your body fluctuates up to 3 to 5 pounds difference a day and not to feel discouraged. My shorts are telling me something else, I feel.

I gave up "diets" forever ago and I found that everything in moderation works best. I can be super extreme about diets. When I was on Weight Watchers a decade ago, I used to eat like 4 servings of low fat soup, and save all of my calories and cheat points for liquid calories or an order like this one:

I can also just not eat. It's like a medieval challenge for me to starve. This is not the correct approach, I found. I also hate the idea of missing out on food, or fun because of dieting.

For years I worked in close proximity to what I call "Food Shamers." You were damned if you do, damned if you don't. You were highly praised for losing weight when noticed, and side comments were always made. It was not a happy environment. If you were given "free lunch" you would feel guilted into eating but then shamed for eating Pizza, Chik-Fil-A or whatever, later. It was maddening.

It was after that I realized I wanted to eat and do whatever. That also backfired. Calories suck. It is now, with many workouts, endless therapy, age and my thyroid working against me, that it's all about moderation, all the time.

So this morning I put on my shorts that I haven't worn since...October maybe? In October I was still going to spin and boot camp. I had just toned up like a boss and was gradually getting out of obsessive workout mode and into mental health matters. The shorts were a little tight. Frustrating.

I refuse to watch the Marie Kondo thing on Netflix but I get the whole "not sparking joy" thing to the point where I purged my whole closet. Any pants that made me feel fat or less than, have moved on. And also some pairs of shorts. I refuse to feel "badly" about myself in what I'm wearing.

So I talked myself down, "Okay, you haven't negatively changed your diet. You are still transitioning from Boot Camp to kickboxing which is just a whole new routine for your body to adjust to. You also just got the diagnosis that you have an underactive thyroid working against you. You don't LOOK unhealthy. You're good girl."

I text some friends for moral support. I did the mirror check at work. Then I listened to my Dax Shepard podcast and he said how important physical activity is, not for vanity, but for mental health and my self esteem perked right back up, why?

I'm in a way healthier mental space now, then I was consumed with double workouts, hating to run and feeling lack luster about routines. So what if my pants disagree. This is just affirmation of why I adore leggings more. 

I consider myself a body positive person, but also get a little worried when it comes to those heavier people that are technically and medically unhealthy. Be curvy, gorgeous women, but also be healthy. You can embrace your size but don't eat McDonald's 5 times a week. The health standards and balanced diets exist for a reason. You don't have to technically fit in, but also don't risk unnecessary health problems and shorter life span just because you want to not care about what you can eat.

By technical standards, I have never fit the "ideal weight" for my height and even at my most fit, and most skinny, I didn't fit into them, but my BMI was healthy, and had no health concerns. Sure, my thyroid is being a ridiculous challenge that has me fearing western medicine, but I work out 30 minutes a day 5 to 6 days a week, sometimes longer. I don't eat junk routinely and drink maybe one night a week or one night every few weeks, if that. I'm still curvy and not a size 0. Everyone is different.

I think we all struggle with our weight, whether or not we want to admit it, but we just need to "weight a minute." Life happens, some days you need two cupcakes, some days you don't. Food is amazing and I've never regret eating anything...anything that didn't give me food poisoning that is.

I love trying new things, desserts, and having great wine with it all. I'm willing to work for that, no questions asked. I realized very young that I cannot sit around and eat what I want. However, if I work out or participate in athletic activities I can care less about what I'm eating and just work on moderation. One cupcake, not four.

We will all have bad days, bloated and frumpy days, and days we think we're Beyonce. Just saying. 

My encouragement and pep talk is, do what works for you and makes you happy for your health level. Just "weight a minute" the next time you get a case of the "feeling yucky body moments" and think about your health. If you're doing what you can, and not pushing too many boundaries for your metabolism and such, you're doing awesome. Maybe there are other ways to improve upon? Aren't there always? 

Stay strong readers and just "weight a minute," because we all have those days when we just feel so, "bleh." But remember, you are Beyonce, always!

I Inadvertently Messed Up My New Routine, With Negative Results

I have been avidly podcasting for almost a month, with good results. It's easy for me to listen at work, especially as something I can pick up and put down at will. However, I got derailed from the norm and missed a few days of listening, and now feel like Andy in Parks and Rec, as shown above.

Ironically I have been re-watching Parks and Rec. I'll just blame that for now.

Yesterday I was just so tired. I didn't sleep well Monday night and I'm embracing this detoured path, pouring support into my husband's new job position and attempting to keep up my house, all while trying not be the worst mom ever.

Monday night I felt so accomplished. I got the kiddo and myself fed for dinner, walked the dog, ran the dishwasher and vacuum, and even steam cleaned the living room, dining room and kitchen! All on a Monday night! Go me!

Last night I was fighting a migraine and it won. I put on a 90 minute movie for myself, inhaled a huge salad, let my daughter watch Barbie on Hulu and was in bed with my child at 8:30PM. We read a super short book and I accomplished nothing but an early bed time. Not my finest Tuesday.

I realized this morning that, yes I needed the rest, but tonight I have a bunch more stuff to do and dinner by Netflix isn't conducive, so I need to pull it together.

I haven't been reading as much as I need to. I need to snap that back into gear tonight too, as the results of that little nightly routine were so very helpful to my day to day. The negative results I see and feel from any form of laziness, just aren't worth it. 

So I'm getting over this hump day by planning to conquer it on all levels. My workout game hasn't been deterred much but I need to bring it all on the home front to combat just how crazy my husband's schedule will be for the next few weeks.

I'm grateful for a lot right now. I'm pushing myself to stay positive. The strides I have made, I've given myself a pat on the back for, and I'm not letting things get in my way. I'm still Pinterest-ing like a boss in my free time as well, which I find helpful when I need some good quotes and perspectives. 

I've realized that I spent so many years doing everything that now that I've delegated some things, and have to return to me doing everything, if only for a short period of time but still, it's overwhelming. Ironically there are some people I wish I could share the mania with, but I know wouldn't be a helpful supportive ear, but instead would let me go back to lame coping mechanisms instead of willing me to conquer. It's only now that I can admit that and am awake to it.

I find myself wishing happiness for others a lot more, especially those people who've fallen off my grid. I find myself thinking of others' struggles rather than my own as I'm getting used to more peace and less chaos.

My husband said something about the general attitude of things being more positive when you take away a negative ruling force, which we both have had quick changes on. You get used to staying in murky waters when it's all you feel you have to navigate within. It's funny how when you have your way cleared, you can see more, shine brighter and dare I say, even thrive. 

It's like the Mario cloud. I recently used this analogy with one of my best friends:

                   

We all remember that little dude, who throws things at you when you're just trying to level up? My goodness the metaphors! I might go on a tangent. You been warned!

How well could you do with that little cloud following you and thwarting you, right? You had to outrun and outsmart it, while getting as many points as you could in between. Then you had figure out how to get on top of him and squash him! He was not welcome! 

When you have a person, a place, or things that loom over you like the little Mario cloud dude, how well can you do? How much can you progress? This speaks on levels, pun intended.

Sometimes you don't even realize it either. The clouds just appear and you're not too upset about the gray, maybe you think it's not that bad or you can still stay positive. You gotta be fully in the sunshine before you realize the gray isn't what's good for ya!

We're coming up on 10 years of life in Florida and when I get a hard time from the family about moving away from the great state of Oregon I reiterate that I just wasn't made for that much gray and rain. I also have come to deeply loathe the cold. I was made for the sunshine state. Don't get me wrong, as a ginger I burn quickly in that gorgeous sunlight, but I thrive here!

I didn't realize how depressed I was and how seasonally and regularly in Oregon, until I lived here in the sunshine and was like "Wow, I'd really have to commit to being completely sad because even the storms pass in 20 minutes." It's too bright to be sad, in my opinion. In Eugene, it is gray like 9 months out of the year I swear. And that is some cold, cold rain. I love to visit Oregon in the summer, more than anything, but I'm good in Florida the rest of the time.

These realizations have been hitting me a lot lately. Wait, is that what the cool kids refer to as "Woke?" Damn, ANOTHER realization! What a wisdomous Wednesday. 

Anyway, I'm crazy grateful for being woke right now haha! That feels so weird and wrong to type. I don't think I can actually pull that off.

I'm just happy that I saw the negative throwing me off, and now am taking things back. It's not easy. It will take day to day determination, but here I come. I'm channeling some season 3 of The Office Pam vibes! Watch out world!