The Shame Game

Mom-shaming, body-shaming, food-shaming, selfie-shaming. What are the other shames? Or do they morph into guilt? Okay, what's the difference?

Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Okay so none of these things are great. Below are the urban dictionary definitions for mom-shaming, food-shaming and body-shaming:

Mom-shaming: criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make.

Body-shaming: shaming someone for their body type.

Food-shaming: The act of judging, criticizing, with guilt the choices of food you are eating. Whether by yourself with others.

Now we have our information for today's subject, the shame game. I had a fellow mother reach out to me about being mom shamed for a booster seat picture she posted on social media. I used to work in a place that food-shamed and body-shamed enough to create some serious mental stress about my diet and shape. Body-shaming is seemingly everywhere anymore and it's ugly, no pun intended.

Mom shaming is some nasty, nasty business and can really take the wind out of ya. I was first mom-shamed when my daughter was like a week old via Facebook messenger and from then on I just had to keep my guard up. Mom-shaming can be anything from social media pictures, clothes, diet, car seats, schooling, and so on and so forth. The thing is, motherhood shouldn't be so damned lonely and somehow in this day and age it's so easy to feel completely isolated as a mother, and there are billions of us, animals included, that raise children.

The worst thing is, that everyone has the complete and utter right to make their own decisions about parenthood and how to raise a child, and no one knows how to communicate kindly anymore. I can't tell you how many times I see a picture on social media of a kid in a car seat latched in improperly and while sure, you want to spread the safety information, there is a constructive, helpful way to do it, and I'm sorry but it doesn't come from a Facebook comment, message or text. It comes from a conversation. 

As someone who's daughter was in a horrible accident and I fully attribute our car seat safety to her overall wellness in said accident, I could talk car seat safety all day long. If I see a truly concerning example, the best I can do is say "Hey, if you have a moment to talk about car seat stuff, I learned a lot from the accident and would be happy to share my knowledge because I feel like it can be overwhelming and there's so much to think about." But sometimes, you have to live and let live and not Game Of Thrones shame walk it with people. Why? Because that sucks.

Moms should stick together and just because something worked for one, won't make it work for all. I hate that you get shamed for breastfeeding and for formula feeding, you get shamed for not doing enough or doing too much, for not letting your kids have Cheetos or for not feeding them organic. I feel like you get shamed for everything and I personally have had to take a step back and every time I want to make a comment I think about all the hurtful comments made to me about just one picture, of one moment and one judgement. Or one comment I made taken out of context that turns me into the worst mom ever.

And the mom shaming just goes with the body and food shaming. Everyone is so, so different and it's a delicate balance that just needs to be over-run with kindness and understanding. Body shaming is viral on the internet and you can think what you want about anyone, but the important reminder is to "think" what you want and keep your criticism to yourself. My grandma used to make horrible comments about "big" people that still make me cringe and my mom has always made me feel badly for my changes in size. I often wish they kept that negativity to themselves. I now keep myself close to people who support, rather than tear down, and I used to work in a male-dominated industry where the body and food shaming was rampant and horrible.

Shaming anyone is just shitty. There is no other way to put it. We all do it and have done it, whether we mean to or not. Most of the time when we have these conversations about feeling shamed it comes down to, "I wish they would have spoken to me about it...a different way." So in essence, it's not the shaming necessarily, but the way the shame is put on us that we struggle with.

When I had my daughter I got so many amazing hand me downs and one of them was some newfangled thing called a nap nanny. It was some ergonomic pillow thing from someone I babysat for that her one year old was too big for. I posted a picture of my sweet girl asleep and had a wife of a co-worker Facebook message me about how the big ass pillow had been recalled and she'd hate to see my baby die from being on that pillow. I lost my shit and told her not to tell me how to parent. I was so upset.

As a new mother I wasn't equipped to handle that kind of criticism and concern. My husband immediately said I over-reacted but for me it was like, you don't have a kid, I don't leave her unattended in the death pillow and it's not hurting anything so leave me alone. Then I got rid of the pillow after losing sleep over it.

If that woman had called me and was like, "I think I read that the nap nanny may have been recalled, do you want me to look into that for you in case it has important information?" It would have been a whole different thing. Sometimes it's all about tact, and the WAY we are approached about delicate information. It's also just not our place to comment on every little thing all the time. If you know someone well enough, you'll know how to approach them if you're concerned. If you don't know how, maybe don't do it. 

The Shame Game is a no-win in my humble opinion. Every ugly round of the Shame Game, I just try and come out a bit more kind and considerate because it can really be a huge mental blow. There will always be someone who makes rude comments about your body, your food, and your parenting, but I don't wish to stoop to that level. If I have a true concern about health or safety, I work hard to find the tact to navigate it well. Good intentions are great until they manifest in not-so-good ways. 

At the end of the day instead of the shame game, I wish we would just Golden rule it anymore and do unto others as you would have them do to you. Because as someone who's withstood lots of shame, I never want to shame anyone else, and wish no one else does either.