My daughter recently kept saying she was "confused" by her schedule. She can read. She has a calendar and she marks off her days. She's very smart, extremely outspoken and completely sassy. She negotiates A LOT. There is never a simple story or explanation. She talks A LOT. I have to be careful not to cut her off and stifle her and sometimes there is a fine line between disciplining her for not following directions, and let her say her piece.
It came up in conversation that I announced out loud that she is "Just that kid that is very attached to her routines and can have a hard time deviating from them, even when she's having fun, unfortunately." I regret saying that "unfortunately" because it felt like an "I'm sorry" that was unnecessary, which I'm working on doing much less of.
She's an incredibly sweet soul and very passionate about whatever it is she wants to talk about it. Her zen place is in front of any movie or series she can get into. She has just learned to harness the power of chill, quite well in fact.
We keep her busy, but she very much needs to know a layout of her day the night before or the day she wakes up to get a picture of how things will go. She could tell you her weekly school routine to the hour. She can have fun but "going with the flow," is not her forte.
I try not to tell her, "not to cry" about stuff but rather, "Okay, I'm sorry you're upset, but instead of getting so overwhelmed how about we fix the issue or ask for help?" Sometimes it comes out as "That's not the appropriate response," if I'm on a shorter fuse.
I'm a true mama bear and I think most of the people who know my daughter best realize that she just needs a little more patience and consideration at times. She definitely presses buttons with talking back. She tests her boundaries often, but sometimes when she says these crazy things, I just am so happy she's mine.
I had the sobering realization this week that when you don't know me well, and you don't know my daughter much, she can be tough to deal with, but I actually take this in stride. If you spend an hour with me, and have a real conversation with me, my daughter is a breeze and hilarious. If you're one of my best friends, my daughter is my mini-me and a total trip to be around filled with love and wonder. If you don't really know us though, you're kind of missing out.
She has a lot of traits of my husband, don't get me wrong, but personality-wise our similarities are something else. It was yesterday I realized that I am unapologetic in how I parent, and about who my daughter is, even when she's a handful. Why? Because every teacher, after care leader, care-giver and adult says she does well in the general population, so if she saves her worst behavior for me, and her bad days for me, I'll gladly accept because I'm her mother.
I don't think she's really a handful, but I think she is very reactionary to her surroundings and if things are off the beaten path, or new or difficult or very different, she can have an issue navigating them well. Guess what? Me too.
I've had to train myself to handle things better but she's 6, she hasn't the capacity to do that, yet. One day she'll get there and I'll be right by her side. Yesterday I just realized that, I didn't care if she had a bad day or as my favorite phrase goes, "she's done with life," she's allowed to be a kid with all the feels, temperaments and attitudes so we can learn from each other.
I'm sure there are some ways I'm a mean mom. Much to my horror, I now regurgitate, on a weekly basis minimum, the words of my father, "I don't care if you like it, you'll eat what's put in front of you." This has haunted me and I still do it. Unless I'm deathly allergic, I eat whatever is in front of me, no matter how gross or unwanted. I ate a lot of whole baby mushrooms coated in salt to get me through my study abroad in London because I was so grateful my host mom even cooked for me.
So, when we go to restaurants and she orders for herself, just because it's different than her idea, doesn't mean you don't eat it and you get to sit there and complain. I told her just the other night, "This is why we don't go out to eat." It's not worth the stress and dropping $10 on kid food I will inevitable take with me for lunch at work.
I also don't buy her a bunch of useless junk even if she wants it. The worst parent ever. I don't always say yes. Where am I lenient? Technology. I don't have the energy to go on some soapbox about rotting her brain. Rot on kid, especially if it's a calm escape for you, or it lets you physically rest your non-stop little body.
My kid can be attached to her routines. I LOVE my routines and I don't care how old you are, change is hard. Just because I can take out my stress at the gym or with System of a Down on a car ride home, and she needs to scream about her bath temperature and talk back, doesn't make her beyond some backwards definition of normal. We all have our ways. As her mom, I'm supposed to negotiate those ways and nurture them, and if you don't like it, you don't have to be around us. There's a sorry not sorry for you!
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