Since we had the baby, anniversary stuff has been extremely low key but for 10 years we decided we needed to do it up. Actually this happened only about two months ago that we agreed to make it a weekend worthy of time away.
My husband and I recently reflected on where we've been the last 10 years and I don't mean that geographically. To put it lightly, we've been through some shit. Most of you might say, "Ah, yeah the car accident and everything." Nah, that's only wading ankle deep in the shit.
Ironically we started uncovering the layers of what's been happening with friends and family and have gotten mostly warm, understanding and concerned support and reminders that we have people around us that love us. One particular response, however, is so painfully ironic that I just keep replaying it in my mind and to sum up, the response to our big ten was a reminder that it likely won't get much easier.
Some of you will laugh and scoff saying that's not exactly supportive of how far we've come. For those of you that know me quite well, you can understand my interest in just how ridiculous it all is. If you want me to put it politely, things have been generally okay. If you want the raw truth, the past 5 years have been the toughest we've ever been through, nearly leaving us completely broken and irreparable. However, we've been working our asses off not to get to the low point, or close, again.
We've overcome a lot of personal battles, spousal battles, and parenthood battles, all of which have made us even stronger, but were challenging, hurtful and sometimes unfair, nonetheless. So, this weekend isn't about reaching some random number. It's about look at what we've done the last 10 years only to this year, yes 2019, be the closest we've been since our wedding day, to landing on our feet.
Don't get me wrong, our wedding wasn't perfect or flawless. The best man forgot the groom's suit and didn't realize it until 40 minutes before the ceremony was set to start. One of my bridesmaids had to make people completely re-do the table set up. One of our friends showed up like 3 hours late. It was a pretty normal wedding actually, but it was OUR day.
We've gone to some pretty fancy weddings, and we always admire their ability to plan so far ahead and have such amazing detail. I just wanted a day to celebrate with the people I loved, and to look skinny in a great wedding dress. Goal reached. Oh and a cake from my favorite, legendary Eugene Oregon bakery. Also, goal reached.
No one tells you that no marriage is easy. No one tells you that getting help is always a good thing. No one tells you you'll go through periods where you don't even like your spouse. You just love them because they are yours, but you don't have to like them sometimes.
No one tells you that you can grow into adulthood separately to the point where it can create a rift. No one tells you how much parenthood changes your entire marriage. No one talks about financial issues making you go to bed angry and not speak for days. No one tells you about any of the shit, just the cupcakes and rainbows.
It's as if we have to lift the veil and share our wounds before anyone else comes out with their marriage woes. It's like in Wizard of Oz when they drop the house on the wicked witch but you have to coax out the munchkins like, what am I walking into?
I honestly have no expectations that things will be easy. I am cautiously optimistic that we've gotten through some rough waters and have some slightly sunnier weather ahead. I'm sure we will continue to work on things and grow and communicate so we actually like each other. For me personally, the love part is easy, but always liking the person you've married, especially when they are being quite un-like-able, is the hardest.
In true form, the last few months in healing I have quoted Parks and Rec over and over, with some serious Ben and Leslie goals:
These two are important, especially at the end of the day.
What we're doing is a big deal for us. We are going away for one whole night. We are staying on the beach in a nice place with privacy and quiet, we are having a nice dinner together, and we are just going to enjoy each other with no child in our midst.
In truth, we probably have 2 to 4 date nights a year, and I'm not over-dramatizing at all. Usually we have to be in Pennsylvania or Oregon to warrant being away for even just a night, let alone anything more. Taking this time for ourselves is huge. This is such a big deal I've told almost no one about it, so as not to jinx or ruin it somehow. As if sharing my excitement could spoil the fun, but mostly it's not about anyone else but us.
It's been a rough handful of years, so for the big 10, we're ushering in 10 more and hopefully rekindling what we need to make it less volatile, stressful and stormy. We love us some thunderstorms, but I'd much rather enjoy them with my hubby than weather them at each other.
My wisdom after 10 years of marriage is this: You're going to be horrible to each other, you're going to have really dark moments, but don't give up the fight. If that is the person you want to fight with and annoy, keep annoying them, don't disappear. Remember that divorce is never a bad thing because happily married people don't get divorced, generally, so if you're fighting the good fight, you don't really have to worry about that part. I intend to keep fighting the good fight for as long as he's around to fight with.
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