Learning Self Love, Navigating Awkward Moments and Accepting What You Can, Letting Go Of What You Can't

Self love is not for the weak. I realized, and especially when my body was fighting that medicine, that I wasn't being very nice to myself. You see, I got frustrated with my body and it's curves and it's stage in life, and I thought, well maybe this pill can help. My body responding with a long, resounding "NO WAY."

Self love is all about patience. We are flawed, messed up people. We all have our brokenness. I think we all have great days of self love, and wobbly days. We just can't ignore it or digress into the darkness. You gotta remember that you and this body you have are it, you gotta work together, and that's not always easy.

Weight gain sucks. Losing weight is hard. Although I have no beauty pageants to win and no one to impress, I definitely just want to look healthy and I don't mean that as skinny. I've always been curvy and "thicker" as my mother has so ingrained in me, but with pregnancy, motherhood and definitely now age, I'm learning to embrace it more, and attack it less.

The thyroid thing was a rough awakening. I realized that I'm at my most fit and technically healthy when I'm working out twice a day and mixing cardio and weights. TWICE A DAY. That's kind of a lot. And in general I don't eat that much! I don't watch it too much because I'm smart enough to know I will get dangerously obsessive. I know myself well enough to know what works. 

This morning my body felt stiff and tired and I still have more workouts planned this week, but I let myself rest. This is hard for me, but completely okay. My anxiety kicked in like "Oh maybe I should have sucked it up and gone. Maybe I can go later tonight!" One day off is fine! I remind myself pretty consistently that I need to be kinder to myself.

It can get really awkward navigating all of this because there are times when I'm put in a position I don't know how to respond to well or kindly, and I don't want to just come across as the bitch. I had a friend tell me yesterday that you can't send along an annoyed tone via text. I disagree but apparently it is maintained that's factual. 

Recently I've been asked repeatedly to do something I've said, face to face, via text and explained in more ways than one, that I am not into doing right now. It's honestly made me so frustrated I just have avoided everyone involved in the event, so I don't have to be made to feel badly about saying no. The thing is, it's super awkward because being not helpful in this situation looks bad on the outside, but inside, I'm really self-preserving and not being bullied --in a way-- into doing something that is mentally taxing on myself.

This is where I have to accept what I can from people, and just let go of what I can't really accept or understand. I struggle a lot with societal norms, etiquette, politeness, gratitude and appreciation, especially between family members. My husband and I have worked on this a lot because I feel like it's super important to be thanked and feel appreciated for the little things like, "Hey thanks for unloading the dishwasher before you went to work."

When these things go unappreciated they can fester and for me it triggers some politeness and gratefulness issues. This comes into play more and more in my life. When someone travels to see people, I feel like the gratefulness for that or appreciation for that is reflected in being taken out to eat, or being able to stay somewhere for free, or taking someone to do something nice. In turn, the words thank you should be flying about everywhere. "Thank you for making the trip" and "thanks for letting me crash here," and so on and so forth. For me, when these things are broken, it is unnerving.

I recently had to take a huge step back, and a huge breath and say to myself, "Okay not everyone will do what you think they should. Not everyone will react the way you think is appropriate. Everyone operates on a different wavelength and you just have to let it go."

You see I will always want the best for and of everyone. When I see someone succeed I want them to be celebrated properly. When someone is hurting and struggling, I want them to have no question that I have their back and can help if needed. But sadly, we live in a world where this isn't the norm anymore, and people won't just wake up and treat you as you'd like to be treated. Many people these days lack that capacity.

I feel like this is just all intertwined. All of it. I can love others better when I love myself. I can be more at peace when I love myself. I can navigate awkward moments better when I'm open to accepting things as they are, and letting go of frustrating incidents. Life is anything but easy but I've finally gotten it through my stubborn skull that my reaction to the hard parts, is half the battle. This is a battle I intend to win!