Support Systems

Our couples therapist said in one of our first sessions that what happens between two people is one may send out receptors here and there in an effort to grab attention or convey what you need and the more those are ignored or not picked up on, the less the person sends them out. I think of this often, even with friendships.

Sunday we went to church and in the sermon there was mention to how Social Media contributes to depression and anxiety but also, we are so connected with technology, we have infinite resources at our finger tips, and we feel more isolated and alone than "back in the day."

All of this is crappy, right? It's about support systems. I have this habit of when I'm having an emotionally rough moment or anxious, depressive whim, I often will reach out to someone and not admit "hey I need someone right now," but instead maybe just send out a nice note. This happened this morning where I just wanted to wish a good month, good day, and remind someone, "You're awesome!"

I wouldn't even say I'm in a bad head space, but I've had so much thinking and "dealing" to do with life's various things that maybe I just wanted to instigate a check in? Ironically, and to my great amusement, that reach out has received no response although the recipient has recently viewed my Instagram story. This is life now.

I laugh at this because our support systems are systematically breaking down. I was watching an HBO dramatic series that I'm particularly into and there was a young girl who had an incident of abuse come up with her high school boyfriend but she insists he still loves her. She sent him over 300 text messages unanswered and she was mentally spinning out and declining. She called a girl buddy who was in the midst of retaining the attention of a boy and basically got blown off. The girl, upset, asked if her friend could blow off the situation because she "Really needed someone right now." Of course in this high school scenario, her friend chose the boy over her plea, but I thought to myself, damn, that poor girl is just sinking and has no one. What a shitty feeling, right?

I am that person who if I'm going to feel alone, I want to actually be alone. I don't like feeling alone next to people. I'd rather just be alone on a mountain top feeling my feelings. We don't always have access to mountains though.

First, I want to say that uttering the words "I need help," in any way shape or form is courageous and can be incredibly difficult for people. Second I want to tell you that most people don't say that exact phrase to attempt to convey that message. For me I've said "I'm having a rough day. I'm feeling really meh. I'm in a bad head space." Sometimes it's, "I'm hanging in there," or "I'm okay." 

When I say the hanging in and okay things, sometimes I'm waiting to figure out if I am really those things, or I need to dive into some stuff with someone a bit. I have two go to friends that I message immediately when I'm not feeling myself, both of whom live thousands of miles away. It's harder to reach out to someone closer sometimes.

Often I will have a feeling or be needing a little extra support and want to revisit a friendship that has dwindled because that's the stuff we used to talk about or whom I felt comfortable with in similar situations. Again I usually revert to sending out a nice, happy message and testing the waters but seeing if it warrants a response.

It can feel like your support system is dwindling or non-existent sometimes. I personally struggle with not wanting to be Angry Ali or a "Debbie Downer." Who wants to be around Captain Complain all the time. There is a fine line.

On my worst days I feel as though I give out so much support but receive only small amounts in reciprocation. On those bad days, I try to look harder, maybe dig a little deeper.

For a truly honest and revealing moment, I will say this. For this year of 2019 I've had to put myself lower than last at times and suck it up buttercup and be super supportive of the husband. There have been times where I have felt as though I had to do this kicking and screaming. I have felt more often than I'd like to admit that this support is a one way street and not reciprocated much, if at all. But then I remember he unloads the dishwasher so I don't have to. He takes my car in on his days off so I don't have to waste a Saturday at the dealership. He puts his laundry away without me nagging him.

There are all those amazing quotes and cliches about the little things being the big things. They are completely true. More often than not, it's not about NOT having a support system but reminding yourself on how your tribe offers you support. With some friends it's funny memes or Instagram story checks. With other's it's texting for an afternoon or a phone call. Maybe a girl friend buys me a coffee or takes me out to eat. It's all there, little and big, but requiring attention.

Things get foggy, especially when you're stressed or stuck in a Social Media rabbit hole. I had to level with my husband just last night and outright admit, LIFE IS HARD. It is! There is no way getting around it. You have to make what you can count and take everything as it comes.

With information at our finger tips, support systems are EVERYWHERE. I remind myself of this daily. It could be, a new book, a coloring book, a moment of retail therapy, some online Scrabble or Solitaire, a text to a family member or friend, an Instagram positive affirmation post, a meme! It could be a Pinterest board or researching a dream vacation. It could be finding a new therapist, finding a crafting class, and so on and so forth.

My hope is this, and I hope this for myself and all the people I love, but don't stop sending those receptors. Translate your "rough day" into "I need someone" and don't let up. I don't meant send 300 plus text messages to someone clearly ignoring you, I just mean, text the reliable friend or treat yourself to a new purse and keep those support systems intact! 

This planet is filled and feeling lonely when surround by people is the worst, in my personal opinion. Grab a support system and go. I know this can seem easier said than done, but I had a friend remind me of this recently and I post a lot about it on my Instagram. I've written other pieces pertaining to it as well. CHECK ON YOUR PEOPLE AND CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. Like the 60's or 70's tune, "Reach Out!" If you're not being responded to by a few people and you're sinking, keep reaching out and revise your verbiage because "I'm having a bad day" and "I need your help" can have worlds of different connotations. 



This is my Wednesday Wisdom and I hope it reads well!