Parenting is so difficult. And so very...weird. You have to selflessly maintain this little version of yourself and if you have a partner in doing so, you have to operate as a team so this tiny terrorist doesn't divide and conquer. Parenting is also, completely life altering and amazing.
Since the dawn of time, okay wait, since my daughter's birth my husband and I have worked, lived and learned to operate in opposite land. From infancy on, he would sleep while I was awake breastfeeding. He worked while I stayed with kid. He worked days, I worked nights. This was a point of contention, although now in retrospect, was just a trigger, because people would seemingly pity us for no time together, but not realize that we quickly adapted to the way things needed to be to keep us afloat. It was not a perfect world, but it was what we knew.
There are times when teamwork in parenting kind of sucks. My daughter and I have always had our own routine, our own groove. As much as we love having hubby/daddy around sometimes he definitely throws us off. There are times when we have to be mama bear and that maternal instinct leaves dads in the dust, but we always know best!
There are some days that tag team parenting goes off without a hitch. You will have schedules, decisions, discussions and all operations will go as needed and then it's bedtime and you can rest with your success! Other days it feels like a bike with one busted training wheel just, off. It's constant checks and balances.
As a hospitality manager, my husband works late mornings through to late nights. As an executive assistant I work an 8 to 5 situation in an office, but let's face it, I'm an on the clock mom non-stop. This isn't to say that as a parent my hubby isn't on the clock non-stop as a dad, but most kids run to mom first. I'm the one woken up with a bad nightmare or a fever or an accident in bed or being sick. Sometimes my husband isn't home yet for that stuff. I'm also the first one up and always make sure that she has everything done and things are in order before bedtime, to better start that early morning.
Last year my husband stepped up hugely and took on full morning duty with the kid. While I'm the last alarm, leaving for work as they just start to move around, he gets her ready, lunch packed, school supplies together, out the door and dropped off, every single school day. He's also emergency pick-up for when traffic messes with me getting her. In change, I'm the bedtime guru. The books, the dinners, the earning TV time, the baths, the laundry and the chores. This to me, is the ultimate tag team parenting. We each do our "shift" and our part.
Our routine is a constant reminder that everyone's routine is just so completely different and what works for each household, is not always meant for us. We've created our own thing. While mostly I appreciate the concern that we don't get enough date nights and family time, I never really enjoy the commentary: "Oh so you don't have much time together then? Oh just one day off? One night a week?" It's innocent enough but triggering at the same time.
It used to be such a point of contention that I got frustrated when people didn't take into consideration the full scope of how opposite our schedules were. Now I understand that most people can't grasp what that's even like because they don't come from the same reality. For me at least, that's easier to wrap my head around.
I've seen all different kinds of households run in different ways, especially as a nanny. I once had a mom pay me my normal wage for the day to go hiking with her and the kids. I once worked for a mom that waited tables in the restaurant where my husband worked and her husband made glass pipes and bongs in their warehouse on their property and they rarely stocked their kitchen so I'd often bring us both lunches and snacks.
From my nanny years I definitely learned about all the different kinds of families but you never know parenting until you step into it. It actually does take a village. However over this past year, it has shown me that no matter how uncomfortable or weird it is to tag team every aspect of parenting, it makes all the positive and productive difference in the world.
You have to discuss sick day coverage and adjustments for kiddo and parents alike. You have to talk about sport schedules, birthday parties, plans and all the routines. You have to make money decisions and even anticipate bigger picture stuff. All the while we're teaching this little human to take their time, do one thing at a time, do this then that and so forth. Completely weird, right?
When I've heard the moms complain about the dads it always sounds like they work too much but aren't home enough. But then they are reminded that the guys are providing for the family so that's to be "expected." Well, yes and no. Expectations are yucky, regardless, but I really think the best and safest expectation is that you'll have to tag team all the parenting stuff, through the best of times, and especially the worst of times.
There will be phases where one parent is the heavy or one may be doing more than the other. There will be phases that feel lonely and unfair but the whole point is to raise the tiny humans, keep them alive, and not mess them up too much, and to do so TOGETHER. Together also doesn't just mean MOM and DAD. It could be two moms, two dads, a mom and uncle, a mom and grandma, a grandma and an aunt, a dad and an uncle. The point is you need to tag-team it and find that definition that works for you.
I think it takes a lot of patience but also attention to recognize how much support is needed to pull off this whole parenting gig. There are mom squads, play dates, family hang outs, church, sports, clubs and so on and so forth and all of it involves one form or another of tag team parenting.
Even in separation, divorce, old family dynamics and new family dynamics it's all a team effort. So remember that every family, every situation is different and some are recruiting new teammates and some are already full of the players they need. Regardless, appreciate the village, the team and maybe one specific teammate you have by ya to wrangle these crazy children that we've been given the blessing of calling our own.
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