Emotional Smog Intake

Last night I had a meltdown. It was quiet and over something seemingly fixable, stupid and ridiculous. Last night I felt the emotional eruption that would leave dust, smoke and smog and I was fighting for air.

Have you ever had to take in so much from "the other" that you've left no room for anything of your own? This other could be a friend, a sister, a cousin, a husband, a kid, a neighbor, whomever. Have you ever had to take in all of the stuff and then figure out where to put it but you come out just feeling depleted and without storage capacity? This happened to me last night.

Refreshingly when I explained my tears and tantrum to my husband he said, "Okay, I can see how that could be taxing." It just kind of took me over. Remember that epic cartoon movie Ferngully? Remember Hexxus?

Yeah it was like that. Where just this dark emotional, pollution of smog just came in and knocked me right out.

It didn't come out in the midst of the multiple exchanges I had that have now been identified as triggering. Like secondhand smoke it came in small increments but throughout the day, consistently. It was like, I'd get close to a mental wall, then regroup, then get hear a higher spiky wall, regroup and then a wall with a moat, then regroup but finally I was like "I can't do this."

What couldn't I do? I couldn't order take out food. I lost it when I inadvertently messed up my order, overpaid or was overcharged, whatever, and then came home to my super-husband handling our puking first grader himself, in an attempt to give me a calm, happy evening. 

Everything mentally collapsed in front of me and came down to "I just wanted a burrito bowl and I can't even order that! I've been dying to try this place and I'm so hangry, I'm stressed about spending on this, money is tight and I just can't deal!" Yes all of that, from a big emotional fog.

I paint myself as a good friend, good listener and someone there for you. I can do that for people, and like being a reliable support system. That isn't to say that everyone doesn't have limitations. I was definitely unaware I could hit all of mine in one day.

First there was the mom guilt of needing to be home for the sick kiddo but hubby was off anyway, and he assured me that he could handle it just fine. Then there is the money worries and budget, which just sets in ANY TIME I BUY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T A "need." Add into that the emotional intake of all others and just me being anxious, and I had run myself into empty.

My husband was actually rational and kind about how the whole day ended up, which was better than what I had envisioned. I was still able to get some sleep but I'm definitely feeling hazy today.

It's such a weird thing. I was so intent on listening and I have heard things so closely but so much of what I've heard hasn't been things to take "lightly" so to speak. Life is heavy. I desperately try to operate with no judgment but sometimes, I gotta say, I kinda wanted to scream a bit. Everyone has their trauma, their struggles and their ongoing battles, but we have to remain open and grateful.

I'll admit I still wrestle with that whole "listen not to just wait to speak" thing where you have to actively listen rather than just wait your turn to talk thing. Yesterday it was all listening and less and less being heard when already feeling maxed out in the unheard department, that when I wasn't heard "quite properly" for the food order, the smog filled my lungs and make me cry in frustration. 

When my daughter was complaining about not feeling good I asked her if something else was going on and she admitted to me that she was stressed about having a new job in her classroom. Of course now I know that her little immune system was seriously struggling but she was definitely feeling the stress of change. She gets this from me. I always physically feel all my mentalities fighting it out.

While I'm navigating all of this, shakily, with blurred vision and desperate for more rest and reboot I've come to the conclusion that I really need to be more self-preservative. I really need to keep those boundaries in place. This whole "incident" wasn't anyone's fault or completely avoidable, but it sure was quite a reality check. While I feel fortunate that I recognize this all, and have some more support than I'd anticipated, boy did it shift some perspective. 

I think I'll be working through this for awhile. I'm sure the whole thing will be blogged out and thought out in one way or another. Happy Wednesday readers!