Letting Go Of What I "Should" Do

So, any mom, perhaps any woman, and definitely most anyone knows that guilt-ridden feeling of the "should." What "should" we be doing? On a rainy Sunday you might want to just not shower, stay in pajamas and watch movies all day, eating everything and anything but what "should" you be doing instead? Cleaning, getting things done for the week ahead, organizing, etc.

Little by little, slowly but surely I've begun letting go of all these antiquated ideas of what I "should" do and the results are pretty empowering. Freeing, if you will

After my last meltdown with expectations around church attendance and then having a vacation where everything was about the company we keep rather than where we all gathered, it allowed me to mentally realign. I've also recently forged a friendship with a friend of a friend type and we've begun a dual support system of understanding how much faith you can have in great things, good people, and kindness outside of a physical church setting that we no longer want to put that pressure on ourselves to "go to church" when it just makes us miserable.

I always feel like I "should" check in with people, but guess what? The phone works both ways. I always feel like I "should" go to church on Sunday, but I also have a spiritual experience with a good sleep in session, fresh cup of coffee, and the smell of cooking bacon. I had felt like I "should" work out but wasn't fully in so I did a rest, reboot and realign until I felt better.

Essentially what I "should" be doing is actually listening to myself and my family. I had this great realization earlier this week that I don't need to fit in or do what everyone else is doing because we are a far cry away from high school and I think I might officially be an adult. My family has a wedding to attend in a couple months in the Savannah area and all of the accommodations in that area were out of our price range. I found a place some 30 miles away in Hilton Head Island, SC, a place I visited in my youth, for almost $50 a night less than anything close to Savannah.

So the wedding is in Savannah and most guests will be there but that doesn't mean we have to stay in Savannah. I started researching routes and which highways to take and making sure we had addresses and such and realized that because the condo is on an actual island, Hilton Head Island, it takes an hour to get there from Savannah. My first response was panic and anxious like, "Oh my gosh drive an hour after the wedding? Great I'm such an idiot."

I researched other places closer, none of which had the beach or an indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. I reached out to my husband and he said, "Well I've never been anywhere near any of those places. Sure we can enjoy Savannah but we don't have to stay there. We're not IN the wedding so we don't need to be around all of that. It's our time off. We "should" do what we want to do."

There it was again. The "should." We "should" do what we want to do. And we will. Somehow I needed someone else to say that to me, for me.

There are some necessary "shoulds" like you "should" shower daily and be polite. Some are seeming less and less obligatory and more and more obnoxious. Maybe it is coming of age that just has me feeling less and less equipped to deal with the expectations of others as they are being pushed onto me.

I even got kudos in my personal therapy session for being more flexible and keeping up my boundaries. We spoke a lot about the "shoulds," and when I told her I gave myself a break she was extremely impressed. To be honest, I'm even impressed with myself.

I'm very much enjoying where I am and trying not to muddy the water. It will happen at some point I'm sure but for this late Tuesday afternoon, I'm just reveling in where I am, how far I've come, and that I'm happy to keep going.

Moving From Florida To Oregon...Opposite Of What We Did

This month marks a decade of us living in Florida. Does that make us Floridians? Yesterday we said goodbye to some good friends that are moving from Clearwater to Portland Oregon. Ironic; insanely ironic.

I was listening about the excitement, new job opportunities, and being in such a beautiful place and I felt so happy for them. And I realized that we did that for ourselves, on our own and are finally settled into it.

I fell in love with Florida when I was 14. The ocean, the restaurants, the beach shops, and it was warm and sunny. The thunderstorms only lasted 20 minutes and life looked so pretty. My residence with my mom from 16 to 17 literally only lasted a year so I felt like I got robbed of my time testing out Florida. 

When I was forced back to Oregon it didn't bother me. Temperature-wise Oregon was so much like Pennsylvania so it didn't phase me. I loved the hikes, the coast and the culture though. I loved the University of Oregon campus and fell head over heels for COFFEE on the west coast. I had a lot of family there. It was a new home for sure.

Oregon is beautiful. I think I'll end up retiring there when I've saved enough money for the high heating bills I will have to sustain comfort. Turns out I have thyroid issues that make me unable to deal with the cold, no seriously. I also had a hard time with the seasonal depression stuff. 

I listened to our friends list their reasons for being happy to move and I sat in confidence remembering I had the same kind of list for Florida. It felt oddly gratifying. I don't regret moving. I never have.

When I had my daughter, it was really rough but some of that was due to other issues within our household, it wasn't just feeling far away. Don't get me wrong, I miss SO MANY PEOPLE, very dearly, but I like being on our own. We've kicked and screamed and fought our way to where we are but we're on the way to a better, more stable place.

I also felt some positive affirmation because I wasn't envious or jealous of people moving on and moving up and progressing in their lives and careers. I was genuinely happy that these friends were excited about a new slate, and a new place. That made me feel like I've come a long way personally.

I'm also selfishly happy, which I admitted to them, because we have more friends for my daughter in Oregon when we come to visit now. Regardless, we had a good day with good friends for a goodbye, and I appreciated all of it, especially the food.

It helped me realize that everyone has different phases, different choices, and most people will operate opposite of us, but that doesn't mean it's a negative thing. I think we all make big choices, big changes and work hard at completely different paces. What we did a decade ago and what friends are experiencing now doesn't make one better than the other, it just inevitably brings us closer. 

I don't think it's a coincidence we befriended them. I don't think any of it wasn't meant to be. I know we were meant to be exactly where we are, no matter what we had to endure to get here. So in life we have our opposites and our hurdles but we still keep kicking. And I like knowing, on this lazy yet productive Sunday, that whether you move from East to West or West to East, whether you're opposite or the same in things, we're all just making our choices and doing what we can for our families and our lives.