Letting Go Of What I "Should" Do

So, any mom, perhaps any woman, and definitely most anyone knows that guilt-ridden feeling of the "should." What "should" we be doing? On a rainy Sunday you might want to just not shower, stay in pajamas and watch movies all day, eating everything and anything but what "should" you be doing instead? Cleaning, getting things done for the week ahead, organizing, etc.

Little by little, slowly but surely I've begun letting go of all these antiquated ideas of what I "should" do and the results are pretty empowering. Freeing, if you will

After my last meltdown with expectations around church attendance and then having a vacation where everything was about the company we keep rather than where we all gathered, it allowed me to mentally realign. I've also recently forged a friendship with a friend of a friend type and we've begun a dual support system of understanding how much faith you can have in great things, good people, and kindness outside of a physical church setting that we no longer want to put that pressure on ourselves to "go to church" when it just makes us miserable.

I always feel like I "should" check in with people, but guess what? The phone works both ways. I always feel like I "should" go to church on Sunday, but I also have a spiritual experience with a good sleep in session, fresh cup of coffee, and the smell of cooking bacon. I had felt like I "should" work out but wasn't fully in so I did a rest, reboot and realign until I felt better.

Essentially what I "should" be doing is actually listening to myself and my family. I had this great realization earlier this week that I don't need to fit in or do what everyone else is doing because we are a far cry away from high school and I think I might officially be an adult. My family has a wedding to attend in a couple months in the Savannah area and all of the accommodations in that area were out of our price range. I found a place some 30 miles away in Hilton Head Island, SC, a place I visited in my youth, for almost $50 a night less than anything close to Savannah.

So the wedding is in Savannah and most guests will be there but that doesn't mean we have to stay in Savannah. I started researching routes and which highways to take and making sure we had addresses and such and realized that because the condo is on an actual island, Hilton Head Island, it takes an hour to get there from Savannah. My first response was panic and anxious like, "Oh my gosh drive an hour after the wedding? Great I'm such an idiot."

I researched other places closer, none of which had the beach or an indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. I reached out to my husband and he said, "Well I've never been anywhere near any of those places. Sure we can enjoy Savannah but we don't have to stay there. We're not IN the wedding so we don't need to be around all of that. It's our time off. We "should" do what we want to do."

There it was again. The "should." We "should" do what we want to do. And we will. Somehow I needed someone else to say that to me, for me.

There are some necessary "shoulds" like you "should" shower daily and be polite. Some are seeming less and less obligatory and more and more obnoxious. Maybe it is coming of age that just has me feeling less and less equipped to deal with the expectations of others as they are being pushed onto me.

I even got kudos in my personal therapy session for being more flexible and keeping up my boundaries. We spoke a lot about the "shoulds," and when I told her I gave myself a break she was extremely impressed. To be honest, I'm even impressed with myself.

I'm very much enjoying where I am and trying not to muddy the water. It will happen at some point I'm sure but for this late Tuesday afternoon, I'm just reveling in where I am, how far I've come, and that I'm happy to keep going.

Sunday Is Really Just Monday Eve

I've successfully been a heathen about a month now. I've taken a church hiatus; it happens every so often. Mostly out of exhaustion, but right now I'm just going through some stuff, and while some find solace within church walls, for me it adds to the confusion. So I've just been taking some space.

It can be hard to explain but my daughter and I are similar in our wavelengths when it comes to hitting our social-ness walls. We're so good at planned and routine activities, but every so often we need to just do our own version of way less, and kinda just "be."

I tried to be that mom that planned the play dates and activities this weekend but it was a good lesson for both my daughter and I that, things can turn on a dime. Time to adapt. She had a melt down earlier and it was warranted but I quickly tried for a "Plan B" of sorts and was able to get her back on track. She is now exhausted in front of Netflix.

It's recently been discovered that my comfort zone is just watching TV and that's how I relax. In this day and age if you aren't watching 14 series on all the streaming at once, you're out of the loop. It can feel just as overwhelming as the rest of life. I've found my ways to integrate all the things without compromising too much of myself but it's definitely a balancing act to say the least. 

Sunday has really just become Monday Eve. For me it's all about "before the week kicks off," down time. I'm sure that is the way it was designed and laid out in the bible, but it's funny we seldom find it feasible. I even still have some basic cleaning things I "should do." Knowing me I will push it off until next week because I might end up feeling the weight of things to come.

Sunday in this house is usually the only opportunity we have to choose to "sleep in." For most parents, "sleeping in" is for teenagers and college students. There is always an animal or child that wakes you. For me, sleeping in is waking upon my own volition, meaning without an alarm. Sunday is the only chance I have of that. Every other day is scheduled and regimented. So planning to get up and go on Sunday can cause me a lot of stress, turns out my daughter revealed slightly the same sentiment and today we slept in.

Sunday around 4PM I turn into a pumpkin. It's a countdown to Pajamas. Dinner and bed time is always pretty early and if I can get the dog out for one more round before we all just collapse, I feel accomplished. There is also always laundry and likely a few more chores. But to me it's a count down and at the strike of 8PM all must be quiet on the home front. 

Starting the week off right is huge for me. I feel like it can set the tone. With Sunday as just the day before Monday, it's so important for me to feel capable of starting the routine again. I've had to adapt a lot lately, and so has my daughter and sometimes I feel like I can see, like very visibly see, the wear and tear it has had on us. 

Sometimes, okay often, I feel like a bad mom. When I finally got my home as just mine with my mother in a separate space and my very own first house, I stopped pretending we all had to do everything together. I have a TV in my room, and the living room one is shared among us all but is usually overrun by my daughter. I don't often watch hours of My Little Pony sitting there bored. Mostly I'm doing chores or working on things in my room with something I want to watch in the background. 

I'm just one room away and I just refuse to sit there with her when she doesn't even care. We watch Disney movies together, and I've watched an episode or two of her favorite shows but I let her "binge-on" and enjoy. I feel it's no worse than kids playing hours of iPad and everyone is allowed time to veg out, especially right before the week starts.

On weekdays, she doesn't get any of her own shows. Sometimes we have TV on in the background but she doesn't get to watch any movies or shows of her own. We have set routines and I make sure we follow as much as we can. I'm fully aware that some day sports and such will derail any plan I could have, so I enjoy the calm while I can.

Mondays through Fridays are just so darn busy, and with Sunday and Monday eve it can feel like the calm before the storm. What is the phrase now? "Sunday scaries?" I think that's the scare before the impending week, perhaps but I'm not down with the cool kid lingo so I'm unsure. Sunday is when I feel the most likely to self care. Saturdays are often still packed and busy.

So here we are on Monday Eve. I had the most "Monday-est" Friday there ever was, a productive and fantastic Saturday and Sunday has been outdoor adventures leaving me to sit in my bed and type this while listening to the kids Netflix profile bark from the TV in the living room. I have laundry to fold, dinner to prepare, some spot cleaning to do, and I desperately would love to snag some more down time. 

On this Monday Eve, I say this; self care on a Sunday is tantamount to some of us functioning well from week to week, so tread lightly with those of us that seem more "lazy" on these days. Everyone is on different wavelengths and if you find someone on a similar one to you, vibe with that well, as I've work diligently on with my daughter. Send those check in texts if the week took over and Saturday came and went. Sundays are the perfect time to reboot for the week ahead and it's easier to reach out before Monday sweeps you away.

Lastly, it's okay to not be okay, as one of my favorite people so gently reminded me this week. And taking space in your own way is also okay, just don't live there for too long, this world and your tribe needs you. So happy Monday Eve. May your last hours of the weekend be gentle, and prepare you well for another week!

I Suck At Faith

I was raised in a Presbyterian church as a normal, average, "PK" or "Preacher's Kid." Sunday School, Potlucks, BBQ, Sermons, Funerals, Weddings, Baptisms, the whole nine yards of protestant life. I was the kid who played in church and loved to be there. I wanted to take all my friends because church was the best.

In 3rd grade they put me in Catholic School because all my older cousins and my mom had gone to the same Catholic Schools. Religion was my best subject but I learned fast and the hard way that not all religion was the same. I got bullied a lot for not being Catholic. It's not something you can hide because if you don't go through 1st communion you can't have any communion at all in the Catholic church. So while everyone else went up to the front, I stayed seated, not able to participate. 

I can remember two times, both of which I've written about before, where all of my concepts of faith were completely shattered, and both happened before I was 16. To this day, neither of those situations was fully remedied. It wasn't until I was 17, had moved from PA to Florida, then from Florida to Oregon, where I finally just retired from the whole church thing. Granted, my mom and I never even looked at a church when I spent my junior year in Florida; the closest thing to a religious ritual for us was trips to the malls.

My dad was still preaching when I moved to Oregon, but his church was a good 45 minutes away. In the progressive, hippie and free thinking city of Eugene, it was easier to find Pot-dealers than church-goers, and no one who went to church spoke about it. I never had a single person invite me to a church in my 8 years in Oregon and it wasn't because I was a known preacher's kid. It just wasn't a part of my college life.

I don't know how to better describe my current situation as just the fact that I suck at faith. I know a few people who have this unyielding and compelling faith whom I admire so very much, but after a quick conversation with a mom friend who has shared some trauma with me, we kind of acknowledged that while we admire those with it, it's not so easy for everyone.

I read the bible a lot in my youth. I had many discussions with my dad and loved to study all forms of religion so I understand it all, it's just hard for me to jump in head first. For me it comes down to owning my trauma. Until recently, and I mean within the last 6 months recently, I didn't know that the many things I'd experienced in my life were allowed to be called "trauma." I thought they were just bad things that I had to learn from, so dealing with that is a lot as it is.

I've heard a lot about the millennial generation professing the one true truth as "my truth," which I think has some merit in that we are in a time of continued identity evolution. There is a lot more to consider now, than ever before. But also, so much involved with religion has become unflattering and volatile. It's a double edged sword.

I have a "home church," a church I love and identify with for the first time since I was 13. However, this came after visiting two churches that just did nothing for me at all and were part of ritual or expectation rather than "filling my cup." Where I currently attend has brought me amazing friendships and great opportunities to serve the community, which are incredibly important, but I still maintain, in general, I suck at faith.

I think when you spend your life in close proximity to addiction, alcoholism and chaos, it's more difficult to find your way, as rather you are always focused on what's in your way. I wish I had the kind of support to be free in affirming faithful ideas and constructs but I just don't, and that's just par for the course right now.

Talking to anyone about close ties and experiences with family members and loved ones in the throws substance abuse is very difficult, let alone dealing with it privately. Unfortunately, like it or not, church gossip is as easy to get to as a copy of the bible when you walk into worship, so protecting any sense of privacy can feel alienating and a kind of lost cause. 

Last week during horseback riding lessons we spoke to this young girl who had been riding since she was 7. My husband mentioned church and this 14 year old girl said, "You should come to my church! We'd love to have you!" She spoke with pride about what it was like and that even if we had a church we liked, she'd like for all of us to come to hers. I just watched her talking to us about this and was in awe of her. This girl had no fear or reservations about talking about where she held her faith. She was just as happy to talk about her church as she was about her iPhone, her sprained wrist and her horses. 

I think I was like her until my first experiences with family addiction. I think I was able to stand taller before the engulfing force that my early trauma took from me. And I'm sorry to say that dealing with the effects of the substance abuse of others is still very much a part of my daily life, and what keeps me from sucking less at faith.

Without outing everything about my personal life I can report that, although I don't struggle with drug or alcohol abuse, save from being a mother and 2 glasses of wine giving me a headache if I don't have enough water, or beer giving me stomach cramps, it's something that I have never lived without. It is a constant. For many people reading you'll reach out and say this is when I need my church and to find my faith most, but for those of you who have known me the longest, you'll know that's just not an easy thing for me.

I'm not so sure faith is "easy" for anyone, but for me it's just a work in progress like everything else in my life and my best compliment to myself about it is, at least I'm honest about it. I refuse to hide the struggle anymore because it adds too much extra stress. I suck at faith but I'm willing to work on it. For those of you who have that strong and unwavering faith, you're always allowed to share with me because I am well aware that learning about it incredibly important. 

In the meantime, I am healing and working hard on finding ways back to myself. I'm taking the Sundays I need to for a day of rest and late breakfasts, and I'm done feelingly badly about it. I'm taking every lesson I can from every sermon I attend and I'm trying to try to suck much less in the hopes that one day it will truly rub off and become easier for me. Until then, I just keep learning and doing what I can to keep on keeping on; that may actually be the religion in Eugene. "Keep on keeping on."