Vacation Bliss and Sick Daze: Whirlwind Unwound

Well, it's been awhile. I'm welcoming myself back into things as I type. Where have I been? Well, with the exception of a great trip, I have been nowhere awesome. In fact, I had been so ill last week I just couldn't pull it together to write, but I'm back and rebuilding in every which way to finish this year strong.

We had driven from left coast Florida to Hilton Head Island South Carolina for a Savannah, Georgia wedding and had a trip that caused my best friend to text me and tell me to do whatever it was we were doing more, so that the joy captured on my face was there way more often.

We had fun at the beach, we did some learning about the area, we went to a petting zoo, played a round of mini golf, we got treats galore! We were living our best lives as the cool kids say. We weren't breaking the bank, which was beyond amazing for us, too. That allowed for more relaxation in fact.

After a great family weekend with one minor speed bump, which now in retrospect is so telling it's almost creepy, I came home to one of the nastiest illnesses I have ever experienced.

Our last night we went to a restaurant my husband wanted to try. Full disclosure, I really don't enjoy going out to dinner. Breakfast out is a dream, lunches I can handle, but dinner with a 6 year old out, is like a race against time before she's done and you just want to relax and get your money's worth.

First I ordered a peach bellini, thinking it would be one way and it came out with more pulp than all of Florida's orange juice. I don't send things back. I also major in passive aggression. I will not complain and I don't want conflict. My husband is Mr. Restaurant Man and encouraged me to send it back, so I did. It was not an easy thing and actually caused a bit of a strain between us because I can get a little high strung in those situations and often over-stress it. 

When we ordered I tried to be adventurous and when I got my food it was lacking. After the humiliation and strain of the drink send back I didn't want to make another fuss and be "that customer" of the evening. The cole slaw on my tacos tasted weird, so I made the hubby try it. I said, is it like "bad" or a flavor that I'm not into? He said it was fine, I grinned and finished up, we headed to ice cream. For ice cream I ordered a blue cookie monster thing and then made everyone laugh at my blue tongue, blue lips and blue teeth to lighten the evening. We walked off the food and returned for the last night in the condo. I hit the hot tub for all of 10 minutes but then started to feel off.

I will admit that I'm that person who has physical trouble on her travels, meaning, my body gets off its normal schedule, if you get what I mean. In new places with unreliable bathroom use, my body gets tense and tends to stay that way until nature has it's way and wins. My husband made me a probiotic tea at the first mention of my tummy being off. It seemed to get some things feeling better. I slept. We got up early to see the sun rise before the long day in the car.

I was not even kind of hungry. I just wanted coffee. The coffee seemed to help the second act of whatever my tummy was going through. I didn't have solid food until 11AM and started with crackers. Then my husband and I shared some chicken salad. It wasn't until we were 2 hours from home I finally caved and got fast food. I got Taco Bell and at the time it was amazing and gave me the push through for the final stretch. However, as soon we were home and comfy I started to feel even more off. And so it began.

I will spare you the gory details, this is not that kind of blog, but let's just say my body was rebelling against either, dinner the night before, or the cheesy gordita crunch or all of the above. I had more tea and more calming food and still, things were leaving my body swiftly and I was having the most intense stomach cramps I have ever experienced. As the night went on it was coupled with fever and chills and long showers and midday naps weren't cutting it. I called into work Monday, with no choice but to rest. I got a weird second wind Monday and changed our sheets, convincing myself I would be fine the next day after all the extra sleep, and a bowl of pasta. 

Monday night was another sleepless night but I was going to work, come hell or high water. I hit the grocery store for reserves after rolling out of bed, taking a long shower, throwing on clothes, resting in bed another 10 minutes and then pulling it together enough to get myself to the store and the office. I got to the office 20 minutes early and napped in my car. I just had to make it to lunch I told myself.

I was on a steady diet of ginger ale, gatorade, water, and all I wanted was applesauce. I had cheese as the secondary option for protein. On my lunch I took a car nap then woke up violently needing to hit the bathroom. I started to have horrible cramping to the point where I felt faint, and then another ugly symptom came up and that's when I called in the hubby. He told me it was time to leave work, and go to urgent care, enough was enough.

My bosses were fine with me leaving early and I made it to urgent care in about 30 minutes. They warned me of a two hour wait. It only took me about 30 minutes before I got to a room, and my husband came to join me later. When the doctor came in, I had left out some important and gross symptoms my husband filled in for him, and apparently I warranted one injection and 2 prescriptions.

I was uncomfortable and in an haze. Ironically the shot was administered through none other than my butt and a very young, attractive woman who was a nurse practitioner had to see my old pale rear end to give me my injection to feel better. I will say my color came back quickly and I was released to go home and rest. The residual migraine stayed with me and off I went to get better. I had to take Wednesday off as well.

On Wednesday while the meds were working their magic I felt very spacey, almost high. I watched all the things on "the big TV," I normally wouldn't be allowed to if the kid were home. I tried to stay up all day so I could sleep well that night. I wasn't allowed to work out while I was on the meds and my husband check in on me that I was just resting and trying to get in some calories.

I had lost about 6 lbs in 2 days. Most women would jump for joy. I'm not even kind of "most women." This was killing me. I wanted my body back. I missed things like coffee, having any kind of appetite, wanting real food or meat and not having to go to the bathroom after every meal. I missed not feeling so thirsty and feeling like I actually knew my body. I felt like my body was just rebelling like "how could you!?" 

It wasn't until exactly a week later, last night, that I could eat at normal capacity. This morning was my first cup of coffee in over a week. After all of this, after everything, I realize how important it is to take care of myself in more ways than one. After I went to urgent care my daughter said "Mom, it was not a good idea for you to go to work this morning!" She wasn't wrong.

On the one hand, showing my make-up-less struggling, slightly smelly self was proof that I was actually not okay. On the other, it did me no favors. I was stupid grateful for my husband and daughter being supportive. I was also grateful the dog gave me endless healing cuddles. My bosses were amazing, with no guilt, and that helped me heal as well. 

This morning was my first workout back and I had to take it slow. I'm usually the last one to go after western medicine as the healing but I couldn't wait it out, and now I'm back to finish this year off and here is where I'm idling:

I can only do what I can with what is before me. This year has been one of healing and growth and we have made some serious moves in our family life and personal lives. It's been really hard. I've had to admit some stuff about my life, my family and myself that I don't want to. I've had to face some old traumas. I've had to grow UP.  Next year will be more of that.

I'm here and lucky to be here with the family that is mine and the good health I have. It is my job to make the most of the time I have on this planet. There will continue to be good days and bad days, vacation bliss and sick days and life's whirlwind may wind me up and keep me spinning but I just need to keep my focal point so as not to lose my balance.

I plan on finishing this year of blogging as intended and I'm not sure what 2020 will look like for writing. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read along and will be working on new topics this week and through the holidays. I'm back in action and hope to not be knocked down any time again soon!

Expired Pantry Items, Expired Expectations

As we are gearing up on our first legit road trip as a family, I've been combing the pantry for things to pack. One thing I hate, is buying extra stuff you don't need, when you could have just brought some home supplies so I'm over-preparing, over-packing and overly doing all the things. As I was pantry poaching I found some things that needed attention as about to expire or expired but just recently so still edible. 

There was a huge can of pumpkin that needed attention. And this the season for pumpkin spice everything so pumpkin bread was happening. I had the large can of Libby's Pumpkin so, 4 loaves were happening and hubby brought home the few small items I needed to complete the task. Now I'm bloated on pumpkin bread and sending away loaves left and right so I don't become an actual pumpkin. With the baking all day, however, came all the insight.

Yesterday I admitted out loud that my family is "the poorest," of our friends. I don't say this as we are actually poor or going without, but compared to our friends, we have lesser financial freedoms and luxuries. I didn't say this in a mean, or sad or "pity us," way. In fact, I said it in an embracing way.

This has all come to light in proximity to our trip. We are staying about an hour away from all others migrating for our friends' wedding, because it was about $50 a night cheaper and we can't afford to try and keep up with everyone else in party mode. While we had a blast in NYC and PA, I learned quite a lesson about our travel mode: less is way more.

In NYC we saw very little and our daughter was more obsessed with The Subway, Central Park and just saying "I was in NYC," than taking in any of the epic things there. We were extremely well entertained and taken care of, but mostly she was just happy hanging out and taking it all in. We didn't need to do all the "stuff."

I also learned that we need a home base crash pad that is NOT a hotel. Hotels are fabulous but overpriced for a place with no kitchen, no readily available food, and no real space. We were lucky enough to stay with my best friend in PA and not only was she the hostess with the "mostess," but she gave us a place to play, rest, keep food and water, do laundry, and just "be" in between visits and mini golf and all the other things.

For this trip, the far away booking of the condo with indoor outdoor pool on Hilton Head Island, was based on price and mileage. I found out about a month ago how long it would take us to get to and from the wedding venue panicked that the hubby would be annoyed. Instead he seemed more excited to be away from it all.

The wedding is in Savannah. When you Google Savannah all the gorgeous images come up. The brick streets, the parks, ghost tours, the history, the food. After our NYC experience, I made the decision not to torture myself with dragging the child all over to restaurants and experiences she didn't care about, which made our destination to stay even more appealing for the wedding trip.

On the one hand we'll be away from friends, but as the poorest of the friend group, I am breathing easier knowing I don't have to go to expensive restaurants, not be able to enjoy anything because I'm obsessing about the costs, and then trying to keep up with everyone for what to do. In Hilton Head we can make breakfast, dinner or sandwiches to take with us, or maybe grab some food at a cheap local place that won't make us stress. 

We don't drink. I don't stay up very late. A vacation should be about family time, and a reboot, and keeping up with any other expectations of what it should be, is no longer a "thing," to me. If we get asked why we stayed so far? Easy, we couldn't afford to be in Savannah city proper and we found a place more suited to our needs in a different area of interest. If we get asked why we aren't going to do all the things and eat at all the places? Easy, we can't afford that kind of stuff. We'll hit the beach, the park, a new preserve, and maybe splurge for ice cream later.

The expiration of the pantry items was like a call to action for "make something or waste something." It dawned on me that this upcoming trip was a call to action for "make the best use of this time for what works for you, and forget the expectations of others."

I'm sure other people don't carry the weight of this stuff on them as I do, but if you even slightly do, you'll know exactly what I mean. Expired pantry items bother me because I put money into those and we didn't use them in a timely manner or properly utilize them. Expectations are the same in that you put your hopes, ideas and scenarios into something and when you don't utilize the time you have, poof it's gone and you leave disappointed with the final product.

The difference is, I'm ready to hit the expiration date of my expectations. No more of that crap needs to weigh me down. I'm not always ready to just toss things from the pantry. Some dates have more wiggle room! 

As I have a two day work week in front of me, I'm embracing these ideas and many others. As I'm packing and planning and handling vacation expectations, I'm just ready to be with my family a bit.
Tomorrow will be my last post of this week and I'll come back with stories galore next Monday!

46 Concert Shirts, More than $1500 spent, Infinite Memories Made

Last week when I was blessed enough to go see Jenny Lewis live I asked my husband to find my old Rilo Kiley shirt. He said, "Man you have a lot of concert shirts. Like, a LOT."
The light bulb went off. I should count them! This should be blog-worthy.

I spent Saturday piling them. There were two piles: Ones currently in rotation, ones in storage. I counted:

In the two piles I had 46 concert shirts from concerts I had attended and ONE a friend bought me because I couldn't afford to go see Blink 182 at the time. 47 Concert shirts! FORTY-SEVEN!

At anywhere from $25.00 to $40.00 a piece, that is over $1,500.00 in live music fun and memorabilia well spent, in my personal opinion.

As soon as I went through the old clothes a massive wave of memories flooded me. I remembered the show, the set, who opened, that I was in the front and so on and so forth. Some shows I didn't remember much because I drank in excess which fogged things up, but that was also another memory in and of itself.

They all sat on my bed; so many of them! I didn't even know how I had ever fit in some of them. There they were, though in all their glory. It was the perfect picture of my twenties and an illustration of my coming of age.

I went to punk rock shows, alternative shows, indie shows, you name it. I was picky too, the bigger the venue the less it appealed with only a few exceptions. I had shirts for Journey, Foreigner, Neil Diamond and Bob Dylan to name a few. I knew a roadie for Journey and saw them 2 or 3 times one summer. Foreigner was a Florida show when I wrote for Creative Loafing. I took my dad to see Neil Diamond in the nosebleed seats of the RoseGarden arena in Portland Oregon. Bob Dylan was a large-ish theater with my sisters and brothers in law but we didn't sit together. They all hated it and I just thought "Holy shit, Bob Dylan is up there right now! BOB DYLAN."

The Matches, Reel Big Fish, Me First and The Gimme Gimmes, Juliette and the Licks, Cake, The Decemberists, Ben Kweller, Hanson, Flogging Molly, Death Cab for Cutie, Dropkick Murphy's, Mest! I'm unsure of whom I'm leaving out, oh! Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and that shirt was SIGNED.

My husband and I started reminiscing and filling in blanks for each other. We laughed about some, got a little nostalgic and sad about others. Every shirt was a memory of an epic night. We drove from Eugene to Portland more times than I can count. We drove to Washington before for a show. We never had money for new Vans slip-ons and paid bills late, but we found money for concert tickets and food and gas to get us there!

I still have the same obsession with concerts but I have to be more reasonable now. I'm a wife and mother. There have been so many festival type shows that I've wanted to bankrupt us to attend, just drive and go party for 3 days in the mud and see all the music until I couldn't stand anymore. 

If I went through each shirt I could probably blog about the entire circumstance around the band featured. I could tell you who introduced me to that band, why they are epic, which songs I love, which songs I hate and then why I went to see them and pick that shirt.
Sometimes I have trouble remembering why I walked into a room but when it comes to that pile, I can remember it all. 

I found my Foo Fighters shirt. My cousin and his fiance couldn't go to that show. He gave us the tickets for free. We got a cool hotel room close by and since we didn't pay for tickets we spent the money we WOULD HAVE on tickets, on booze and shirts. I drank WAYYYY too much and annoyed my cousins friends. I feel badly about this to this today. That was their first and only one-on-one experience with me and I was tanked and dancing, swaying, half-singing. It was ridiculous! And the waste of a good concert. I mean I remember it being awesome but still!

So that's 46 shows, and not to mention COUNTLESS others that I came home with a bumper sticker with or a signed set list, a drum set, etc. Going to shows was my sport. It had replaced shopping and I just needed to soak in as much live music as possible!

I'm just sitting back thinking about all of this because when I posted on Instagram I asked if it was excessive or awesome to have so many shirts? My answer is that it's completely amazing because they hold within them the story of my earlier days. I dug out my overalls and an old t-shirt and choker. I found the time to straighten my hair. My husband was adoring me a bit with some teasing commentary saying "Oh it's nice to see you all dressed up and with an outfit and like," I cut him off. I said, "It's nice to see me looking like me? I look like me, right?" He agreed, yes definitely.

Funnily enough, I didn't go anywhere but I think there are versions of me layered parfait-style within the outward Alison exterior. I can't pick my daughter up at school with a shirt that says "Me First and the Gimme Gimmes Got Balls.," even if they are holding bowling balls. I have an Offspring shirt and the back says "Stupid Goddamn Bullshit Motherfucker," or some such. Should I wear that to soccer practice?

You go in and out of phases. My husband and I actually had a ridiculous disagreement in the car last night. He was questioning the music I had on because of the lyrics. One of my favorite bands, Dashboard Confessional, of which I have a shirt, was singing from the car stereo, "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I die happy." He said, "Oh nice, songs about killing people."

I got defensive fast. I said, "This is Dashboard, it's poetry!" He said, "The subject matter is a little intense." I said "Being in love that you want that epic kiss to kill you so you can die happy isn't okay?" He shrugged and said "She's not even 7!" I said, "So when she asks me I'll tell her what it means! At least it's not filled with swear words! We were listening to Fleetwood Mac yesterday! All those songs are about cheating on people!" 

He gave up quickly after I said "How is this any different than Taylor Swift talking about being and Archer or telling people to calm down or doing something bad that feels good?" He was like "Okay okay fine!" My daughter chimed in the back about liking country. I retorted, "Those songs are all about getting drunk!" We finally tabled it but it was a worthy argument I feel.

I want my kiddo to see these shirts and ask about where I got them, ask about the bands and we listen to them and I get to tell her stories. She can like or dislike them. I was listening to the Pointer Sisters when I was 3 (most of those songs are heavily laden with sexual undertones), I was obsessed with The Monkees when I was 5, I loved Talking Heads, whose prominent song is "Psycho Killer," and I went on to fall in love with music and keep it close to me for therapeutic value and adventures.

Those 46 shirts are 46 memorable stories of ME, or infinite memories if you get me going and I love that I get to call them all mine. I feel like more blogs like this will be coming along. Happy musical Monday, readers!  

The Blanket Bumble - Best Friend To The Rescue

Last month on vacation my daughter left a little blanket at a Holiday Inn in PA between NYC and our home base of Bainbridge, PA. At this Holiday Inn we didn't have the best experience before the blanket leave behind. I don't know if it's a male thing but my husband wanted to make sure we left with what we paid for and not a cent more.

With his vast hospitality knowledge we left with quite a discount and without the blanket. This was the first trip where I allowed my daughter to pack her own stuff. There was no judgement and just a few guidelines as far as what to pack, and what she could and could not bring. She asked if she could bring a small blanket for the plane and I said yes.

She grabbed a little pink one she had had since she was a baby and off we went. It made it to hotel #1, my best friend's house, NYC, and then the final hotel before departing from our possession. We realized it had not made it into the rental car for the journey back to home base the same day we checked out of the hotel and my husband called to confirm they had it, to then have it set aside and  sent back our direction.

When I was younger my uncle had taken me on trips with my cousins from time to time to Baltimore and such. I was the little anxious girl who couldn't travel without her stuffed animals. I once left like 5 stuffed animals in a hotel as he was not one to remember the excess stuff in the midst of adventure. I was beside myself. One call to the hotel and one FedEx box later, they came home to me less than a week after the departure.

I asked my husband after his quest for better Holiday Inn service to handle the exchange. I was ill-prepared for the drama that would ensue. 

First I was harassing my husband every other day, which I'm sure he loved about, "Oh did you call them? Did they give a tracking number? Did they return your call?" The responses kept varying from "I am waiting for the Manager," to "Oh they are emailing me the tracking number."

I started to think he was just saying whatever he need to in order to get me to leave him alone. It was the most obnoxious thing. The whole time I'm texting my best friend about the whole thing and she's agreeing with me that it sounds like the hotel is dropping the ball or hating on us for the lax customer service commentary at check out.

There is this song and dance around everything and people saying it has been sent or that a tracking number will be emailed for three weeks. Three weeks of the weird, broken and strange communications or dare I say lack there of.

Finally I call myself and the employee says they never got a credit card number. I give them the card number. It's not working. Impossible but technology is fickle. I give them a debit card number with money to be spent in that account. It doesn't go through. Impossible and so I say, "I think it's the system you're using." What do they tell me to do? I have to call FedEx.

Then I call FedEx and they inform me that they just changed their system. In order to give Holiday Inn the shipping label I must set up a personal Fed Ex account, buy said label and EMAIL the Holiday Inn people the label and wait for them to send. This seems like a LOT to ask of front desk associates who haven't though to USE THE POST OFFICE instead, or have yet to figure out the new mode of FedEx.

Finally my friend says, "Do you want me to just go and get it?" This thing is 90 minutes away. The stubborn mom part of me wants to win the blanket battle and make this hotel get their shit together. They have it. We want it back. Will my daughter live without it? Absolutely, but seeing as they still have the damned thing, can we just have it back?

Best friend to the rescue. Calling to say it would be picked up was another great adventure. I gave the name and spelled it and gave them the pick up window. They said "Okay, but she needs to be prepared to show ID." They can't figure out FedEx but card like a bar for a blanket apparently?

Yesterday I got the picture, my new favorite picture by the way, of my best friend outside of the hotel with the blanket on her shoulder. Operation Blanket Retrieval was a success! She selflessly offered to send the blanket by way of the post office, a genius idea by the way, tomorrow and I said not to. I said to wait.

This may seem odd but the entire exchange has kept me in a weirdly pensive perspective. I realized that, one small thing left behind was a weird stress. No one was losing sleep but it ricochet'd into an argument and nagging between my husband and I, my daughter just wanted a blanket back, an experiment in horrible customer service wrapped in weird karma, making things work for yourself, and best friends coming through in ways they ALWAYS have, with small steps for your child and huge steps for humankind.

It's just a blanket right? But that blanket was a baby shower gift from a friend that my daughter likes. I tried to buy another but they no longer make it. I tried to have it shipped and give an establishment my money to return my item to me, only to have it be, for lack of a better phrase, as shit show. My best friend selflessly volunteered to go and get it and return it and now I'm left, calm, grateful, highly amused and in no rush for return.

Maybe that blanket lives at Aunt Angela's awaiting for my daughter's triumphant return and will be the story of her six year old self. Maybe that blanket shows up with a Christmas package. Maybe that blanket shows up in October some random ass day because my best friend is sick of looking at it. 

All I know is this, we will never be staying at Holiday Inn again, and with the blanket bumble comes simplistic reminders of ALL THAT WE HAVE. I'm so lucky I have a best friend willing to go that distance in every sense. I'm lucky I have a husband that tried but got distracted and I'm lucky I'm so stubborn and persistent that the blanket didn't end up in a donation bin for no good reason. My daughter is lucky she has a mom who cares about a pink heart and peace sign blanket and that her mom also chose the best person in the world to be her only Aunt Angela and drive to fetch that thing.

These are my Thursday thoughts! We are so close to Friday!

Letting Go Of What I "Should" Do

So, any mom, perhaps any woman, and definitely most anyone knows that guilt-ridden feeling of the "should." What "should" we be doing? On a rainy Sunday you might want to just not shower, stay in pajamas and watch movies all day, eating everything and anything but what "should" you be doing instead? Cleaning, getting things done for the week ahead, organizing, etc.

Little by little, slowly but surely I've begun letting go of all these antiquated ideas of what I "should" do and the results are pretty empowering. Freeing, if you will

After my last meltdown with expectations around church attendance and then having a vacation where everything was about the company we keep rather than where we all gathered, it allowed me to mentally realign. I've also recently forged a friendship with a friend of a friend type and we've begun a dual support system of understanding how much faith you can have in great things, good people, and kindness outside of a physical church setting that we no longer want to put that pressure on ourselves to "go to church" when it just makes us miserable.

I always feel like I "should" check in with people, but guess what? The phone works both ways. I always feel like I "should" go to church on Sunday, but I also have a spiritual experience with a good sleep in session, fresh cup of coffee, and the smell of cooking bacon. I had felt like I "should" work out but wasn't fully in so I did a rest, reboot and realign until I felt better.

Essentially what I "should" be doing is actually listening to myself and my family. I had this great realization earlier this week that I don't need to fit in or do what everyone else is doing because we are a far cry away from high school and I think I might officially be an adult. My family has a wedding to attend in a couple months in the Savannah area and all of the accommodations in that area were out of our price range. I found a place some 30 miles away in Hilton Head Island, SC, a place I visited in my youth, for almost $50 a night less than anything close to Savannah.

So the wedding is in Savannah and most guests will be there but that doesn't mean we have to stay in Savannah. I started researching routes and which highways to take and making sure we had addresses and such and realized that because the condo is on an actual island, Hilton Head Island, it takes an hour to get there from Savannah. My first response was panic and anxious like, "Oh my gosh drive an hour after the wedding? Great I'm such an idiot."

I researched other places closer, none of which had the beach or an indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. I reached out to my husband and he said, "Well I've never been anywhere near any of those places. Sure we can enjoy Savannah but we don't have to stay there. We're not IN the wedding so we don't need to be around all of that. It's our time off. We "should" do what we want to do."

There it was again. The "should." We "should" do what we want to do. And we will. Somehow I needed someone else to say that to me, for me.

There are some necessary "shoulds" like you "should" shower daily and be polite. Some are seeming less and less obligatory and more and more obnoxious. Maybe it is coming of age that just has me feeling less and less equipped to deal with the expectations of others as they are being pushed onto me.

I even got kudos in my personal therapy session for being more flexible and keeping up my boundaries. We spoke a lot about the "shoulds," and when I told her I gave myself a break she was extremely impressed. To be honest, I'm even impressed with myself.

I'm very much enjoying where I am and trying not to muddy the water. It will happen at some point I'm sure but for this late Tuesday afternoon, I'm just reveling in where I am, how far I've come, and that I'm happy to keep going.

My Gypsy Tendencies

My best friend always calls me a gypsy. I'm guessing she feels I have a nomadic and free-spirited nature but after growing up in the same place for my childhood, it's honestly quite strange that I've ended up that way. When we went to New York on our trip she said it just solidified my gypsy ways.

My dad helped me see most of the United States on many a road trip by the time I was 16. My mom loves the beach so we did the Bahamas and frequent Florida trips in my youth as well. My uncle gave me all Pennsylvania history lessons and living in PA all those years kept me well versed in all civil war and American beginnings via field trips to Gettysburg, DC and Philly.

College brought me the travel bug because I just desperately wanted to experience other places so I got myself a study abroad trip to Europe based out of London and fell in love. I'm dying to go back someday because it was the best three months of exploration, travel, art and history.

My best friend also asked me politely if I ever sit still, and the answer is no. When I'm busy I feel I'm at my best because I can't get caught up mentally or emotionally in unnecessary things. On vacation I wasn't attached to my phone unless I needed directions or was taking too many pictures. I wasn't obsessing about lost and faded friends, unanswered texts, and affording my second Starbucks that day. I just wanted to "be" for a little bit and enjoy being away from home.

I spent 13 years watching Baltimore grow because we frequented it often in my youth. It was the biggest city that my dad actually enjoyed taking us to and we found secret spots we loved. Of course now it's different but also impressive as to what has stayed the same.

Ten years ago in March of 2009 I took myself to New York as a college graduation present. At that time my cousin was going to college at Fordham and living in a crappy apartment in the Bronx with 3 or 4 roommates, his description not mine. He now lives in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. Both visits he was the tour guide and both visits were incredible.

I don't tend to get overwhelmed or anxious in big cities oddly. I am usually just in awe and so eager to explore I can somehow hone my anxious, obsessive tendencies into some clarity and finding ways to get us to what we want to do. I'm already dying to go back and see more, more, more.

When I started moving I never expected it to become the lifestyle it molded into. I think that I just had to learn to physically move on and also liked changing my horizons. I liked knowing that I could have a new space and new place to make mine; a blank slate. I liked seeing new things and exploring new areas. In 8 years in Eugene, I lived about 7 different places all across the city but only in Eugene, somehow never in Springfield or even Portland.

When we came to Florida it took us about 6 long years to find where we wanted to make "home," and now I'm ready to dig in for a long run until this kid is outta high school. My gypsy ways will have to be strictly for vacations only.

This past week, being all over had its elements of exhaustion and disorientation but also kept things fun and interesting. I had my moments of down time and relaxation, and I had my moments to push through and have fun.

During my times of struggle, my gypsy tendencies work against me. I was dying for a real trip and to see real things and feeling angry and trapped. Now I can better appreciate things. During my periods of growth and healing my gypsy tendencies work for me. I'm able to plan well and enjoy any time, no matter how short, in the space and place we're in because I know how lucky am I that we even get to share such experiences.

I always attribute my gypsy-ness to my trauma. For most of my childhood I thought you would just live the same place as your whole family always. Most everyone was a thirty minute drive at most. And you can go away to college but then you could just come home and start a family. When my mom left, that entire idea was shattered. She wanted out and she left and I kind of followed because if my parents weren't together, what was home? I just decided to embrace the new and try and piece things back together with familiarity of "stuff" rather than places.

My husband gives me a hard time because of how many things are "mine," versus his in different contexts, but for me it's all about the stuff that is "home." Our dining room table will always be "mine" even though it is used as "ours." I was given that by a family I was the nanny for and it has lived with me in every place since I moved out and it always will.

I love to travel and experience and have fun. I wish to do more of it but am grateful for every experience I've had and we are planning to have. I'm a firm believer in "next time" and revisiting places. Maybe I can gypsy it because home is more about familiar people and some familiar artifacts rather than an actual building. Maybe I'm just growing into going with the flow enough that I can spread my wings and fly higher and more often.

For now I like my gypsy tendencies and embrace them. I'm excited to see where they take me.

The First Day After The Vacay Post

After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.

Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings. 

This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.

My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.

I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.

I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.

Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."

I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.

My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"

Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.

I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.

I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.

Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"

At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home. 

Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it. 

My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!

This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.

I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!

It's Easy To Forget

I don't know about other moms, but I often forget what it was like to be a kid. I think I know, but then I quickly realize how easy it is to forget.

One battle I have with my daughter pretty consistently these days is gratefulness. I want her to know that her life has been worked very hard for to be comfortable in. She'll get upset that I don't volunteer in class much, that I don't chaperone on field trips and I remind her that I work full time to make sure she has new shoes, a new backpack and horseback riding lessons, not to mention food and water and a house a stuff. She'll complain about only having a tablet not an iPad or wanting more toys and I always shut it down with reminders that we work to give her what she has and she should be grateful.

It's not that I don't want to do that stuff for her and with her, it's that it's not so easy to pull off. And for me, that stuff being complicated and annoying - like paying $50 for a background check and fingerprinting to be allowed in the classroom - is easy to forget or to push aside. However, for her it's not so much and easy to forget thing, which is totally okay.

We have an upcoming vacation, which I've budgeted my ass off for, and of course am still stressing about, but I am so excited to just get away a bit. We haven't been away for a year. I'm ready! And while my daughter is excited to visit she keeps randomly saying to me, "But I don't WANT to go. I'll miss my friends at summer camp!" At first this irked me to no end and then I remembered that a disruption in routine and the every day can be hard and weird to embrace all the time. It was easy to forget that I was like that as a kid too.

I was that kid that got homesick, like stomach cramps and anxiety all over when I went away, especially without my parents. She can do okay with certain people, so I know once we're there she'll be fine, but I can tell that now that she's really aware of stuff and plans, she is feeling a lot more about this trip. 

It's all so easy to forget! When my friend's three year old was with me this past weekend, I totally forgot the "Why?," phase. EVERYTHING WAS WHY!? I thought I had answered the question, but still why? I thought she could be pacified, but she still asked why until I was almost blue in the face. 

Maybe the "mommy brain" thing is just so real that it bites us in the ass. Maybe we can only clearly compute the phase we are currently in with our children as opposed to being hypersensitive to our own memories to project them onto their little being. Regardless, all of this planning made me wonder why it's all so easy to forget?

There are times when I watch my daughter and I'm like, "Oh man that is an Alison trait," and other times I just have to step back and remind myself she's only 6 or that she's still such a kid. She gives me a hard time about how she's not a baby anymore and I reminder, she will ALWAYS be my baby.

It's also easy to forget how far they've come and that you can't force them into your ideas of "how it will all work." I learned that lesson the hard way over the past two years when it comes to travelling. Once we were stuck with a late flight and someone said, "She'll be fine she'll sleep on the plane." She did, then woke up violently in pain screaming about her ears and I tried to hold her and the flight attendant yelled at me for having her out of her seat. Good times.

Last year I thought on a late flight she would sleep and again, she had a hard time. She did much better flying ALL DAY and watching movies and shows on her tablet, playing games. No more long night flights where she can't just stay up. This time she is staying up until we get to the hotel and she can sleep as long as she wishes. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the whole "easy to forget" thing can go a long way in negativity. It's easy to forget how annoying travelling can be until you have that long awaited vacation. It's easy to forget how much having fun costs until you come back from your trip in some wonderful debt. It's easy to forget how much stuff you have to take with you to get through any vacation, but be grateful if you have washer and dryer access. It's easy to forget how much you LOVE YOUR HOME, until you step away for a bit. It's all about how you use it!

I thought when I wrote today I would just write about, "Hey we're going on a trip," but then all of this just started pushing through my thought processes and into a document. I kind of feel like I'm onto something in terms of holding onto the, "Easy to Forget" stuff. 

I've recently been going through a lot when it comes to friendships. It's been kind of weird because I feel like I have less support from the people that were there when things were shitty, and more support from the people who just were there with no conditions through everything lately. It's like some wanted to be a part of my drama and feed it, and some people just want to be a part of my life period. I also realized that it's so easy to forget how badly you've been treated or hurt by someone once you've moved on and evolved. We shouldn't hold grudges or hatred so letting that stuff go is so important, but it's easy to forget the bad when you're wading through the good, until that bad rears it's ugly head for a quick reminder -- you all know what I mean.

It's easy to forget all kinds of stuff anymore, which is why we have phone reminders, social media alerts and then of course text messages from other people confirming and reminding and checking in. What we have to remember is that we are ALL forgetful sometimes, so we should walk through this crazy life together kindly, if you can remember to be nice that is.

Planning Plans As A Planner

The nicest way I can put it, I am a planner. Maybe to a fault, and sometimes it can end up with an over-booking flake out situation because I plan too much. Out loud I would never admit I could ever "plan too much," but the blog is okay.

I have the hardest time "relaxing," and few people would even call me "go with the flow," but I can plan with the best of them. I'll book dinners a month in advance, book flights and VRBOs 6 months in advance, budgeting, Googling what to do and some such. Daily, I mentally plan how my day might evolve, especially after work such as "Walk dog, fix dinner, fold laundry, kid in tub," etc. 

My dad and I poke fun at each other because we both feel we are at our best when we are in our controlled spaces, cleaning, arranging and following our own productivity routines. Sitting around and doing nothing became extinct when I had a baby. I'm not alone on that one, I feel like moms always have extra to do. 

Planning is a weird controlled sense of calm for me. It's as if when everything is arranged then I can trick myself into relaxing. Life sneaks up on you to where we are busy and consistently adding more onto our routines so we get into this grind of "Well once we get past this," or "after this month," and we keep this false promise of "things will be less crazy." It's just life, we take things as they come.

With the husband's overbearing work schedule I've had to loosen up on the planning stuff a bit. I'm very careful not to plan more than a week in advance unless it has nothing to do with him, just because things are so unpredictable. His schedule can change on a dime. 

It's been quite a practice, especially mentally. We have an upcoming trip so I am in planning mode hardcore. I have had to book my dad's flights, get with others to confirm flights for hubby, kiddo and I as they are Christmas gifts from my uncle with too many frequent flyer miles, had to ask to crash at multiple houses, borrow an air mattress, pre-pay the rental car and book multiple hotels. It's an adventure and we don't leave for 3 weeks.

I do well when I plan. I feel accomplished. I thrive. Leaving things "in the air," is much more difficult for me but I'm making progress. I think for me the flexibility kicks into high gear when it comes to my self-reminders that I can't make anyone fit into my wants, needs or expectations, but just hope that we can come to a truce. I can't force a text back. I can't will someone else to "plan better." I can't make people communicate as I see fit. I just have to do what I can with what is in front of me and hope for the best.

I definitely prepare for the worst. Mentally I exhaust myself considering the possible scenarios and making peace with them. I think this was born out of a bad trip last year where so much went wrong and I watched my husband just lose his mind and I hit this mental epiphany of, "Why are you so angry about stuff you have zero control over." We can't make the rental car people change their policy, but we can have a booking agent help us amend the reservation to meet their needs. We can't make the traffic move, but we can let people know we're running late and to order without us. We cannot make the plane land, de-board, and leave on time. Not even a little. We can enjoy walking in the airport and get extra snacks while not crammed on a plane and we can also never book Spirit airlines again haha.

He just became so unhinged and it was so uncomfortable to me. Never am I the calm one. At this sensitive juncture in our marriage, our work lives and at a family event he just couldn't pull it together and I just stood back in awe of what I felt like was such wasted energy and anxiety over so many things we just had no say in. 

Although the important things are planned on this upcoming trip, nothing else is. We will literally do whatever. I've made reservations for only the necessary things and just want to enjoy stuff as things come along, and be with my favorite people. That's all that matters. 

I can't make anyone want to hang out. I can't make people show up and do stuff with us. I can only say "Hey we will be in town, let me know if you want to hang out." This is has been a rough lesson that has really only come into full understanding this past year.

Last year on our epic Oregon trip, we had visited with some people that I consider a second family. Since having my daughter their family has gone through some shit, and the parents separated. I know both of the parents well, and always looked up to them but in going through some of my own hard times, while I commiserated greatly, I had my own stuff to deal with and only had so much I could really handle as just a visiting situation.

When visiting I kind of watched someone I loved a lot going through a dark place and it hit too close to home and I was ill prepared. I had mentioned seeing her again but saw the other half of their family that same afternoon. She was mad at me for seemingly picking sides. Considering where she was mentally, it didn't bother me that she got mad at me. It just made me sad that we left and I barely got to see her because she let something like that trip her up.

Since then I've kind of had to approach so much of my life, especially during my healing, as "There is only so much I can do in this situation," and kind of leave the rest up to the other party and the universe itself.

I plan a lot, daily, weekly and so on. But there is so much in life you can't even plan for as much as you may try. Accepting all of this stuff, as a planner, is no easy task but it's something I plan on continuing to do!

Plan, Arrange, Devise; Family Vacation Itinerary-ing

I feel like I'm planning two years worth of trips right now and all of them all around weddings. We try and make them little vacations because that's our only way to squeeze in time away. I'm the planner, the arranger, the coordinator and adulting has never been so annoying.

Rental car,  AirBnB, Vrbo, flights, staying with friends, staying with family, money, hotels, food, packing, unpacking, time off, days to arrange, Google, Google, Google. It's all planning and no fun make Alison dull and cranky. 

It's so weird to be at this level of adulthood. This is my life now. I fantasize about time away and different trips. One day we will actually choose a vacation that is just ours, instead of centered around visiting...one day.

As an anxious planner, I used to think I was too early on this things. "Oh, that's 6 months away." Now you pay the price, both figuratively and metaphorically if you don't get your shit together and book early. Or so I'm learning. Everything is a work in progress, including my ability to adult.

We went from years of doing nothing and going nowhere but Disney to getting back into social lives again and are now full steam ahead into wedding attendance, flights and finding our comfort zones with travelling. It ain't easy!

I take on a lot because I can handle it and I'm obsessive about arranging. We had one bad trip last year with bad flights, bad bookings, bad rental car stuff and bad hotel drama, topped with a case of food poisoning that made me forever see the light. I am willing to pay extra for comfort and ease, instead of save money but not my sanity. I'm one year away and one more trip out west away from finding a way, I hope, to an actual vacation. 

I'm not an international traveler fantasizer. I spent many great years driving across the country with my dad, but he's not a big city guy so I dream of places he never took me like Chicago, Boston, Austin, and maybe even L.A. I will see all of those places, eventually.

I'm starting to wish everyone would just come visit us. We finally have a real house with a real guest room. We've had some visitors, but we could definitely host some more. Getting away with our little one is an adventure, of course, but my best friend asked if we ever take trips for ourselves and sadly, that was a huge no. Again, maybe someday.

As the planner, by the time I get to the vacation at least, I try to relax, over indulge in coffee and treats and live it up while we're away, but there are usually stressful elements everywhere around me. I'm working on eliminating those, one trip at a time. I've recently just openly embraced that there's only so much I can do, and I paid for some vacation, so I should enjoy it, despite any drama. Some attempts are more fruitful than others.

When we had Disney passes we took like 10 mini-vacations, or "Minnie" vacations, if you will, throughout a year because we were less than 2 hours away. I miss that. You can't have a crap time at Disney, especially since there is always, always, always a family having a worse day than you are there. It's like Murphy's law. For every annoyed moment you have at Disney, there is a family that is spending thousands and having more annoyed moments than you, that always puts it into perspective. This is the sad truth!

I used to be jealous of other people's vacations and adventures as posted on Facebook and Instagram through my aging, I realize everyone just does their vacationing completely different and that's beyond okay. Some people can go to resorts and have a blast. Some people do big skiing trips with family or retreat to island destinations. My favorite trips in my childhood usually involved other family, like cousins, but they always involved road trips with my dad.

I'm finding my way through that now, and figuring out how to translate it to our lives. Last year we drove from Oregon to Napa. We went to one really cool winery for a tour and tasting, enjoyed the town of Napa, and saw two wonderful friends get married. We drove to San Francisco and were tourists for a day. We had fun blasting old tunes in the car. We also went through cool parts of Oregon we'd never appreciated before and I remembered some old travels with my dad in the midst of it all.

This year will be my little's longest car ride of 6 hours to Savannah, again to watch friends get married. Also, we are heading up to PA and NYC. We are mixing family, a friend's wedding and some actual travelling experiences for us. I'm pretty excited for it all and ready to embrace tourist status.

I've considered travelling for Christmas but I love being home too much. We watch Christmas movies all day and have Christmas quiche and mimosas, and my favorite, Christmas nap time. I'm learning my travelling balance and boundaries bit by bit.

To plan, arrange and devise all the things is new levels of adulthood. Some of it is un-fun and obnoxious. Most of it is necessary. Some of vacationing is better than other moments. Getting to the destination is half the battle, but enjoying the destination is the rest. Good company is everything! At least the next few trips will be great for blogging!