Wear And Tear

I tend to write my best stuff when I'm going through some of my most volatile emotions and life questions. Today I'm feeling the wear and tear of things. For any Sex and the City fans, if you recall Charlotte getting all worked up in the shower about things in her marriage and sex life and having to bow to the whims of others, I'm feeling that sentiment hardcore today.

This won't be a complaining diatribe about how everyone sucks. Every relationship has the give and the take. Everything is accommodation, expectation adjustment and compromise. Every so often though, I just get worked up Charlotte style and feel as though I want to quit on life and hide.

Today's frustration is born of mostly work-related things, but considering this is still the best job I've ever had, I tread lightly. See the thing is, I have the trait of being hyper-organized, if I'm being totally transparent. It's something I come into naturally, and it is often used at the advantage of everyone, and at my wits end. 

I arrange the play dates, I plan the birthday parties, I invite the people, I gather friends for dinner. I set the times for moms night out, I book the flights, I restock the house of necessities, I wash and fold the laundry. I organize the school papers, I figure out carpool issues, I book the hotels, VRBOs, arrange the sitters and schedule family photos. It's exhausting actually. But whatever, I'm a planner.

Because of this attribute, it is impressioned upon me that I adopt the plans of others and effectively become a physical google-reminder notification in some cases. I'm the one that checks in, harasses kindly but just to the point of obnxiousness, and puts together every damned life event, or so it feels today.

If we are invited to a wedding, I do all the research on where and book the place to stay and how to get there, and I make sure everyone has proper fitting attire, I get the shower gift, the wedding gift and ensure that we arrive on time. If we host a dinner, I will do the bulk of the shopping, arrange the timing, kid food, activities and make sure the house is spotless.

This isn't to say I'm a one woman show. The husband cooks and helps often, but as far as taking the forefront on arranging? That will always be my "thing." I don't know if he even has the sitter's phone number and he's never asked her to babysit. That is always me. I am commissioned to solve the lack of planning ability of others and work around it, and it tests me to no end.

This morning was a reiteration of yesterday of the reach out, no response, the follow up because I needed a timely response, yet was still left with no response. Finally I had to call and the first question I got was, "Why did you wait so long to call?" Can you feel my eyes roll through the blog? Two texts and an email, and the call was the last ditch effort and then I'm asked why the call wasn't first? My question is...why must I chase what I need to facilitate my day?

Have you ever felt like your world is just pure chaos of the whims of others? I feel the wear and tear of this often. Some days I wear it like a cape and it makes me super-mom or epic wife and best friend to all. Other days I have my selfish narcissistic moment of ,"Well what about me?"

My time with my husband is always on his days off. My mom helping me with anything is almost always by her schedule and not mine. And like a fantastic doormat, or a typical Rachel move, I just work around it. There's a weird line between being flexible and being a pushover.

I don't feel "preyed upon" for my pushover status but I truly feel as though, after going through such long periods of time feeling unheard or having what I was saying misunderstood or downplayed, I just became so quiet that I started saying "yes" to avoid the conflict or explanation of why I said "no."

Just a year ago I was in this weird place where I was volunteering a lot. There were a handful of times where I could say with confidence I actually got something out of it, but mostly I noticed how much disarray there was with logistics and the events were rarely kid friendly. It became this huge stress and burden for me. There were times when I was expected to participate and I'd drive to the next county over and then find out I wasn't needed or there wasn't a place for me. It was doing a number on me mentally. That's when I had to learn the art of boundaries.

It has taken me years in therapy to get this whole boundaries thing. Sometimes I am clear as day with the boundaries stuff and I still am pushed over. It's takes it's mental toll and there you have that wear and tear factor again.

Sometimes it wears on me that I have to be so proactive or overactive in relationships and social things just to maintain them. Sometimes it tears me apart how hard I work with little feedback. On the other hand, boy does it completely alter my perspective in a positive direction for recognizing the people in my life that repair rather than wear and tear.

I have friends that are just healing forces. They completely share the give and take and make our friendship work well. But I can't lie, they aren't all that way, and that's actually okay. Not only do these exchanges give me lessons in boundaries, but I have gone through life phases were I couldn't muster the give and take, and I wasn't the best reciprocate-er either. 

The wear and tear of feeling so responsible for arranging the "stuff" of others can vary. I've had my low down, hateful days filled with swear words and anger about why is it MY problem and why is it MY fault and why is it MY responsibility? Sometimes it can feel dark and hopeless holding onto that internal ultimatum of if I don't do it, who will? Such as, if I don't text that person, they probably won't text me and if they won't text me are we still even friends? Or if I don't set up play dates then the kid won't have play dates and if the kid doesn't have play dates, she'll be grouchy and take it out on me. It can turn into a weird and vicious mental cycle, fast.

Wear and tear is normal. We all have good and bad days. I've definitely been more aware of what it all culminates to, however. Yesterday my anxieties around communication left me hangry and irritable. This morning's exchange had a similar flare up. My antidote is blogging, getting lost in work, and many many reminders that low expectations and taking everything as it comes is all I can do.

Sometimes you have to be the alarm for your husband. Sometimes you have to shop with your mom for things for the granddaughter when it is insanely inconvenient for you. Sometimes you have to do extra for a friend, even if they might not return the favor, but because that's just who you are as a friend. It's all within the wear and tear of this thing called LIFE. A dresser might have some chips on it but it still holds the clothes, so it's still functional and essentially fulfilling it's purpose. Perhaps this can be my alliteration for today to push me though. Heck it might even work for you too!

Planning Plans As A Planner

The nicest way I can put it, I am a planner. Maybe to a fault, and sometimes it can end up with an over-booking flake out situation because I plan too much. Out loud I would never admit I could ever "plan too much," but the blog is okay.

I have the hardest time "relaxing," and few people would even call me "go with the flow," but I can plan with the best of them. I'll book dinners a month in advance, book flights and VRBOs 6 months in advance, budgeting, Googling what to do and some such. Daily, I mentally plan how my day might evolve, especially after work such as "Walk dog, fix dinner, fold laundry, kid in tub," etc. 

My dad and I poke fun at each other because we both feel we are at our best when we are in our controlled spaces, cleaning, arranging and following our own productivity routines. Sitting around and doing nothing became extinct when I had a baby. I'm not alone on that one, I feel like moms always have extra to do. 

Planning is a weird controlled sense of calm for me. It's as if when everything is arranged then I can trick myself into relaxing. Life sneaks up on you to where we are busy and consistently adding more onto our routines so we get into this grind of "Well once we get past this," or "after this month," and we keep this false promise of "things will be less crazy." It's just life, we take things as they come.

With the husband's overbearing work schedule I've had to loosen up on the planning stuff a bit. I'm very careful not to plan more than a week in advance unless it has nothing to do with him, just because things are so unpredictable. His schedule can change on a dime. 

It's been quite a practice, especially mentally. We have an upcoming trip so I am in planning mode hardcore. I have had to book my dad's flights, get with others to confirm flights for hubby, kiddo and I as they are Christmas gifts from my uncle with too many frequent flyer miles, had to ask to crash at multiple houses, borrow an air mattress, pre-pay the rental car and book multiple hotels. It's an adventure and we don't leave for 3 weeks.

I do well when I plan. I feel accomplished. I thrive. Leaving things "in the air," is much more difficult for me but I'm making progress. I think for me the flexibility kicks into high gear when it comes to my self-reminders that I can't make anyone fit into my wants, needs or expectations, but just hope that we can come to a truce. I can't force a text back. I can't will someone else to "plan better." I can't make people communicate as I see fit. I just have to do what I can with what is in front of me and hope for the best.

I definitely prepare for the worst. Mentally I exhaust myself considering the possible scenarios and making peace with them. I think this was born out of a bad trip last year where so much went wrong and I watched my husband just lose his mind and I hit this mental epiphany of, "Why are you so angry about stuff you have zero control over." We can't make the rental car people change their policy, but we can have a booking agent help us amend the reservation to meet their needs. We can't make the traffic move, but we can let people know we're running late and to order without us. We cannot make the plane land, de-board, and leave on time. Not even a little. We can enjoy walking in the airport and get extra snacks while not crammed on a plane and we can also never book Spirit airlines again haha.

He just became so unhinged and it was so uncomfortable to me. Never am I the calm one. At this sensitive juncture in our marriage, our work lives and at a family event he just couldn't pull it together and I just stood back in awe of what I felt like was such wasted energy and anxiety over so many things we just had no say in. 

Although the important things are planned on this upcoming trip, nothing else is. We will literally do whatever. I've made reservations for only the necessary things and just want to enjoy stuff as things come along, and be with my favorite people. That's all that matters. 

I can't make anyone want to hang out. I can't make people show up and do stuff with us. I can only say "Hey we will be in town, let me know if you want to hang out." This is has been a rough lesson that has really only come into full understanding this past year.

Last year on our epic Oregon trip, we had visited with some people that I consider a second family. Since having my daughter their family has gone through some shit, and the parents separated. I know both of the parents well, and always looked up to them but in going through some of my own hard times, while I commiserated greatly, I had my own stuff to deal with and only had so much I could really handle as just a visiting situation.

When visiting I kind of watched someone I loved a lot going through a dark place and it hit too close to home and I was ill prepared. I had mentioned seeing her again but saw the other half of their family that same afternoon. She was mad at me for seemingly picking sides. Considering where she was mentally, it didn't bother me that she got mad at me. It just made me sad that we left and I barely got to see her because she let something like that trip her up.

Since then I've kind of had to approach so much of my life, especially during my healing, as "There is only so much I can do in this situation," and kind of leave the rest up to the other party and the universe itself.

I plan a lot, daily, weekly and so on. But there is so much in life you can't even plan for as much as you may try. Accepting all of this stuff, as a planner, is no easy task but it's something I plan on continuing to do!

Last Minute Planning Is Now Part Of The Transitional Stages

I'm a self-proclaimed and well known planner. I like to put things on calendars, even months in advance. But with how insane my husband's schedule has been, how little my mom has been able to help, a babysitter who is increasing unavailable, and my desperateness for time away from the norm, I've recently become the master of last minute planning.

You often just have to take things one day at a time, but lately I've been able to plan things with a day's notice or even just a few hours, with much more ease than previous times. I don't think I can blame this one on my growth, but rather a product of circumstance. 

I think right now I'm so aware that things could change on a dime that I'm able to just as well plan on a dime. But I thought about everything going on the past few months, I really took some time to reflect and realized that I'm in such a different place now.

I lost touch with someone who has been there through some of the most chaotic points of my past 3 years, and whom I looked up to. In that acceptance, I've realized it's because my current chaos is new. It's not manic chaos. It's transitional chaos, if you will. And I got this!

Years ago my chaos was seriously harming me. It was impeding many aspects of my life and definitely my mental health, but now I feel like all of my chaos is negotiable. The job change for my husband was not on our current planning scheme, but you really can't plan for life much these days, as things just keep rolling with or without you, so I just sucked it up and figured out how to be supportive.

When boot camp ended it hurt my world, but I did my research and found another outlet. And I love my new gym! It's a welcome challenge that I love and embrace and something I've wanted to get into for such a long time. If I had to lose boot camp, I'm glad I have 9Rounds. 

So since March I've lost boot camp, lost touch with a friend I got used to having around more often, worked hard on myself and my close personal relationships, and watched my husband get promoted to a newer, more responsible job position, immediately yanking him away from normal aspects of family routines.

The job transition has been rough, but I've tried to just take it as it comes. Some days I get irrationally pissed. Other days I feel like I have it all together. I know in the long run, and when things get settled, it will all be for the best.

So going from planning a month in advance with a sitter locked in, to having to wait until the day before or day of, or having to say "Right now it looks like I can make it work, but it could change," has been a hurdle in the transition for me, for sure, but one that I feel okay about. 

It's kept me relatively honest about stuff. With my depression and anxiety I have a hard time communicating with people when it comes to asking them to work with me on what I need to best make social interactions work well. Now I've had to be like, "Look I have every intention of trying to attend but with the hubby's schedule it could not work out that way at all." Or just say "I can come, with or without child, no promises on the whole Chriss fam."

I can see how that may come across flaky and annoying; undependable. But right now it is the reality I'm in. Knowing that it may be perceived that way has been helpful too.

Transitions are rough for me. I think in a sense they are rough for everyone, some just hide it better, but I can have some serious problems with transitions. The last few months have made me work on that, and face it all, ready to defeat it. I'm a work in progress what can I say.

For this Sunday we have taken things as they have come. I have planned a little here and there but nothing too crazy. I'm happy to have some down time but mostly I feel grateful, and really that's what it's all about.

Plan, Arrange, Devise; Family Vacation Itinerary-ing

I feel like I'm planning two years worth of trips right now and all of them all around weddings. We try and make them little vacations because that's our only way to squeeze in time away. I'm the planner, the arranger, the coordinator and adulting has never been so annoying.

Rental car,  AirBnB, Vrbo, flights, staying with friends, staying with family, money, hotels, food, packing, unpacking, time off, days to arrange, Google, Google, Google. It's all planning and no fun make Alison dull and cranky. 

It's so weird to be at this level of adulthood. This is my life now. I fantasize about time away and different trips. One day we will actually choose a vacation that is just ours, instead of centered around visiting...one day.

As an anxious planner, I used to think I was too early on this things. "Oh, that's 6 months away." Now you pay the price, both figuratively and metaphorically if you don't get your shit together and book early. Or so I'm learning. Everything is a work in progress, including my ability to adult.

We went from years of doing nothing and going nowhere but Disney to getting back into social lives again and are now full steam ahead into wedding attendance, flights and finding our comfort zones with travelling. It ain't easy!

I take on a lot because I can handle it and I'm obsessive about arranging. We had one bad trip last year with bad flights, bad bookings, bad rental car stuff and bad hotel drama, topped with a case of food poisoning that made me forever see the light. I am willing to pay extra for comfort and ease, instead of save money but not my sanity. I'm one year away and one more trip out west away from finding a way, I hope, to an actual vacation. 

I'm not an international traveler fantasizer. I spent many great years driving across the country with my dad, but he's not a big city guy so I dream of places he never took me like Chicago, Boston, Austin, and maybe even L.A. I will see all of those places, eventually.

I'm starting to wish everyone would just come visit us. We finally have a real house with a real guest room. We've had some visitors, but we could definitely host some more. Getting away with our little one is an adventure, of course, but my best friend asked if we ever take trips for ourselves and sadly, that was a huge no. Again, maybe someday.

As the planner, by the time I get to the vacation at least, I try to relax, over indulge in coffee and treats and live it up while we're away, but there are usually stressful elements everywhere around me. I'm working on eliminating those, one trip at a time. I've recently just openly embraced that there's only so much I can do, and I paid for some vacation, so I should enjoy it, despite any drama. Some attempts are more fruitful than others.

When we had Disney passes we took like 10 mini-vacations, or "Minnie" vacations, if you will, throughout a year because we were less than 2 hours away. I miss that. You can't have a crap time at Disney, especially since there is always, always, always a family having a worse day than you are there. It's like Murphy's law. For every annoyed moment you have at Disney, there is a family that is spending thousands and having more annoyed moments than you, that always puts it into perspective. This is the sad truth!

I used to be jealous of other people's vacations and adventures as posted on Facebook and Instagram through my aging, I realize everyone just does their vacationing completely different and that's beyond okay. Some people can go to resorts and have a blast. Some people do big skiing trips with family or retreat to island destinations. My favorite trips in my childhood usually involved other family, like cousins, but they always involved road trips with my dad.

I'm finding my way through that now, and figuring out how to translate it to our lives. Last year we drove from Oregon to Napa. We went to one really cool winery for a tour and tasting, enjoyed the town of Napa, and saw two wonderful friends get married. We drove to San Francisco and were tourists for a day. We had fun blasting old tunes in the car. We also went through cool parts of Oregon we'd never appreciated before and I remembered some old travels with my dad in the midst of it all.

This year will be my little's longest car ride of 6 hours to Savannah, again to watch friends get married. Also, we are heading up to PA and NYC. We are mixing family, a friend's wedding and some actual travelling experiences for us. I'm pretty excited for it all and ready to embrace tourist status.

I've considered travelling for Christmas but I love being home too much. We watch Christmas movies all day and have Christmas quiche and mimosas, and my favorite, Christmas nap time. I'm learning my travelling balance and boundaries bit by bit.

To plan, arrange and devise all the things is new levels of adulthood. Some of it is un-fun and obnoxious. Most of it is necessary. Some of vacationing is better than other moments. Getting to the destination is half the battle, but enjoying the destination is the rest. Good company is everything! At least the next few trips will be great for blogging!