Quirky Personalities Over Mean Attitudes

I was venting yesterday about office-mates and I had an interesting realization. I have hailed my current job as the best I have had since my nanny days, mostly due to the fact that my anxiety, my mental health and for my personality, I'm truly in a rational place oof employment where I can thrive, as opposed to a volatile environment with unclear expectations. I had made a comment of "I work with some very interesting people, but I'm taken care of so well that I can overlook all the idiosyncrasies of those I share my office space with." Thus began the adumbration. 

I've been thinking about my job history in terms of my mental health, along with my ability to grow, handle things well, and thrive and I realized that environment has been everything for me. My current office is generally quiet. My co-workers are polite, kind, and mostly considerate of each other. They all have good and bad days, sometimes their personality quirks come out strong, sometimes they are muted. My current bosses are understanding and respectful. I have only had two times where my bosses were super "bossy" with me, and they paled in comparison to some employers of the past.

My weird, albeit interesting realization was, coming out of new phases in motherhood and back into the workforce some 6 years ago, I stumbled into situations fraught with forms of bullying. When I look back now I accept that not only was I just so desperate to better my situation that my outlook was cloudy, but I also I had no self-esteem to stand my ground and stand up for myself. Looking back, when I was backed into a corner with a co-worker or boss, I always waved the white flag of surrender, even if I knew better because it was easier to stay away from confrontation.

When you're struggling at home and in life painting work as your escape, you can easily enmesh yourself in workplace drama, gossip, co-worker "friendship"s and anything to keep you from dealing with your own problems. Such was my life for almost 3 years. It was when I was at my worst, at my lowest, that I "hit-bottom" per-se, was mentally beaten down and bloodied for the last time, that I decided to get out while the getting was good.

It was a good decision for me to leave a place where I was drowning. The job I chose to replace it, was actually a bad choice, but now, I realize it brought me to where I am now so it served it's purpose.

I had spent nearly 4 years under the reign of bullying in some sense or another. Maybe one afternoon it was a boss. Maybe another day it was a co-worker, or at time even a customer, but while struggling at home (which I knew better than to ever share about at work), I started mentally collapsing at work. Ironically, my job performance didn't suffer noticeably, I just started alienating myself and trying to find a way out.

I had found a handful of good people in my workplaces to keep me afloat but I was very much not okay and extremely desperate to prove on the outside I was beyond okay. It was a crazy world to live in. After the car accident I really saw the light and started to dig my way out more and more. The detour I took from there was rough and definitely a set back, but again, it brought me to where I am now so it wasn't all for nothing.

Looking back, sure I worked with some characters, but mostly I feel like I worked with grouchy, mean, and angry people that fed my negativity and shoved me deeper into my depression in the past just by being immersed in that environment. Now in my current place of work, even on their grouchy days, I see the good in all these wonderfully unique souls I share an office with.

You don't actually have to LIKE everyone, but you have to co-exist, which is tough to manage in a gossipy-behind-the-back, competitive workplace, which I have unfortunately  experienced the hard way. You don't have to agree with everyone, but it's tough to see someone else's point of view when you are constantly told how it should be received. 

Let me clear something up, I'm grateful for all of my jobs and all of my negative experiences because they have made me the woman I am now, sitting here, writing this. Above all, the good people I have met through those places, have made my world whole, and forever changed me, no matter how short their visit in this thing know as my so-called life. This isn't a bitter diatribe about my resume or bad jobs, but rather a reflection on how I've discovered that I can't be my best self, if I'm not near people who WANT that from me and for me. In some work-places, that's not part of the employee handbook, unfortunately.

Where I am now, I can have my peace when I need it. I can listen to music and podcasts and answer texts without judgement. I can have authority over things I've become proficient with. I CAN MAKE MISTAKES without any serious detriment or punishment. I can be Alison without fully filtering myself beyond recognition. I can live my life and have my job; one doesn't overturn the other.

When you have lived without this, that kind of freedom is as close to "relaxing," as I can get, and I that is why I rarely complain. I work in an environment where I never feel as though someone is "out to get me," or "will hate me tomorrow," or "will fire me, because I suck." 

At one of my previous jobs I had met someone that worked for my company but as an independent contractor of sorts, if you will. He once made a comment to me about telling my supervisor I could do more and showing them how great I could be in a new position. I remember telling him, "No, I can't draw too much attention because then the expectation will be too much. I have to stay just under the radar. I have to do well at what I am supposed to and not fuck up anything else, but not make them think to give me too much and then fail. Just under the radar and not messing up." I will never forget he looked at me deadpan and said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You can do better."

In that moment I shrugged it off. Now I feel sad that someone else saw that potential in me, but the people I had worked with just didn't at all, or it least didn't make me feel as though they did. I was too busy using the Jim Halpert work ethic, which I quoted often when I worked in there:

I look back at Facebook posts of how grateful I was even in my misery; how much I posted I loved those jobs. Then I look at the Pinterest posts of memes and quotes of how sad I was as a person and how much I just couldn't get it together around the forced gratitude for not working at McDonald's. I was very afraid in general and didn't work in a place where I had the support to do what I needed for myself and my family without suffering financially, mentally or just as an employee.

Where I am now, I have been able to do what I need to be my best Alison, in and out of the office. I can schedule doctor's appointments on lunch breaks, with no argument. I can schedule therapy on lunch breaks, no questions asked. I can leave early to pick up my child, with no eye roll or need to "make up for that time." I can show up late because of bad traffic, with no scolding. I can take a vacation and not be worried about coming into a pile of extra things left to remind me that I shouldn't take time off, and I can even go away and not worry about missing a paycheck or being docked because of my absence. These are all game changers.

I realized that I spent too long surrounded by meanness and negativity. I spent too long trying to please people who were just generally displeased with most of life, not just my contribution to it. I realized I worked in proximity to people who didn't "get me" and who didn't know me, but knew "the image I was supposed to emulate." 

That's sad, isn't it? I remember during another "hit bottom" period I revealed to my best friend some of the darkness that plagued my home life and she just said, "I'm so sorry you ever felt that. I'm so sorry you ever had those bad moments and I wish you didn't have to go through that." That was an a-ha moment for me of...and if I walked in to my boss' office and laid out that this is where I was and I was deeply struggling,there would not be a response with that kind of understanding, ever.

My affirmation for that assumption came when I quit. I'll admit I had left abruptly but I wrote my boss and the family and note, not thanking them for the employment, but rather thanking them for inviting us to some out of work activities that connected us with people that were helping us thrive. The response to this was being blocked by most of them on social media, and spoken to only under duress in any social situation where we happened upon each other since. It doesn't make me sad or upset. It gives me reassurance that I did the right thing.

I am surrounded by quirky personalities that speak in cliches and small talk strange things. I am surrounded by people who march to their own beat and are even incredibly weird sometimes. I am in a positive work environment where in two years I've never felt attacked, never felt anxious, never felt berated by even a boss on a bad day. Every day I'm grateful for not being surrounded by mean attitudes and perpetual grouches that make Oscar on Sesame Street look like an optimist.

It's the people, places and things. It's the cliche that they encourage in AA, NA and such that your triggers can come from people, places and things so once you change those, you're proactively working on the problem more constructively. I've never embraced that more.

Ironically I'd watched this with other people. Everything I had gone through I had seen in the past with friends or family but couldn't recognize it within myself until now. And what a revelation. 

The Budget Bawl

I just had an overwhelming, overtaking, quick-to-dry, full on cry. It's not a bad day, it's not that I'm in a funk, it's because I had to meticulously go over the budget. Math makes me cry sometimes, I swear. This is probably some weird disorder with a creepy name about math giving you meltdowns, or maybe subconsciously I just felt the weight of everything whilst doing said math, and the frustration popped right on outta my tear ducts.

I've recently had to make amends with the fact that my trauma is starting to play peek-a-boo. It has made some unscheduled cameo appearances, and some of it is weird stuff. When you've lived fight or flight for half a decade just trying not to freak out on a co-worker or cry in public to get through the day, and then you start to heal, shit gets real and really weird.

My budget battles began within my first year of marriage. I thought we'd figured it out and had a good system but we had credit card debt. By the time I was pregnant, I was working 2 jobs to wipe clean the remainder of said debt so we could put down the payment for the midwife program at Tampa General and work slowly to pay that off. We still didn't quite have the hang of it. In fact we were rookies and had really only basic credit card knowledge so, ending up where we are now doesn't surprise me, although we are far, far better off and aware now than 5 years ago.

Realizing you have bad credit and can't have basic things without "paying" for that bad credit in the form of some humiliating punishment is pretty shitty. When I realized how far gone we were while home with my infant and trying not to eat everything and/or cry from watching Glee or a car commercial, it seemed pretty bleak.

"Everything will work out," "It'll all be okay," and "We'll make it work," are my self-soothing mantras to get me through my initial silent screaming freak out that happens with every budget review, time and time again.

Today was something simple and seemingly stupid but it became overwhelming quickly. I'm a very visual person so I've become very obsessive about checking accounts and statements and making sure things are accounted for, balance and well understood. I think this is a product of having your "life savings" stolen from you when you're 13 so all of your babysitting, yard sale and birthday money is just gone one day, and then you truly appreciate having money and knowing where it is.

I idle between being so proud of how far we have come, and struggling with getting back into the red again. I'm not a shopper anymore. Between growing up, budgeting, and parenthood you really learn what you need and what you don't, and you give up many luxuries and niceties to have a lot more security. Now my definition of niceties and luxuries may differ from others, but I hold them close and try to live frugally. 

I wrote earlier about my bad experience with a budget analyst- type guy who made me feel smaller than anyone in "Honey I Shrunk The Kids," and I will say this very anti-feminist thing that may just have some truth to it. It was my personal experience that the male persuasion were not only the "breadwinners," "top money-makers" and household head honchos, but they were actually more intelligent about money matters. It is my personal and recent experience that I may have been slightly misled.

Many men actually know financial stuff well enough to do well enough and then some, but I think the assumption that men "know better," when it comes to money and finances is a whole lotta crap, especially now. If you think about it, it's predominantly men who do stock market type things and women are the ones who are proficient with couponing and being thrifty. Interesting, isn't it? Perhaps that's because we are rarely afforded the kind of money men have to work with - okay that's all for that sentiment. 

Back to the real part of this post, it was this morning that I realized that if any budgeting or mathematical stuff actually makes me feel stupid and unintelligent, I break down. On top of that, in all of my post nanny-ing jobs, my biggest struggle has been my male bosses making me feel intellectually inferior and that is when I do the girly thing and angry cry.

 The first instance happened when I got fired after audibly being frustrated with myself, and my boss' wife and assistant manager decided that I was speaking to her meanly and undermining her every move as if to dethrone her. Also, I picked the wrong day to bring in my nail polish and test colors with my coworker when it was slow and they yelled at us for stinking up the store and doing our nails on the job -- I'll give them THAT one, but the me being some shady underminer and calling the boss' wife stupid? Um, no. 

The second instance was my boss calling me a "bitch" for not coddling the younger employees when they needed to actually do their jobs and because I referred to my close friend, who was hiking the Appalachian at the time, as looking "haggard." I know and fully knew then what haggard means: 

1. looking exhausted and unwell, especially from fatigue, worry, or suffering.,"I trailed on behind, haggard and disheveled",synonyms:careworn, tired, drained, drawn, raddled.

He said that calling my friend that confirmed that I was indeed a bitch with no regard for others. Firstly, if you don't look haggard when you're hiking and living off the land, you're doing it wrong. Secondly, I told her to her face she looked haggard on her trip and she wasn't in the least bit defensive. Yet the man basically calls me an unintelligent bitch for using a word he doesn't seem to fully understand? 

After that, I picked better bosses for 2 jobs then reverted back to placing myself under those that see women as mostly inferior. It was when I got in trouble for a choice my husband made in our personal lives, but at my job left me effectively attempted to be demoted that I left one position abruptly, so as not to let them punish me for "not getting it." Although, being made to feel stupid for trusting in my husband to take care of something struck a pretty deep chord in me, I shall say.

My last disaster job that was a necessary gateway to my current job, where I am devoutly respected by my male bosses and never treated as though I am stupid or inferior, left me feeling so low, that I've decided of course I could only move upwards. I blame most of my previous job ills on cultural gaps and the fact that I took on too much during a rough personal period. Although any job where I am made to feel dumb, hasn't exactly worked out after this short review, it seems.

We all have our moments where we feel stupid, inferior or dumb, and depending on the circumstances they than make you break down. I get very very oversensitive to when I am made to feel stupid by the opposite sex. Some moms have made me feel kinda dumb, but in general I feel like as women we really champion each other's intelligence and try to grow our knowledge as a whole.

My husband rarely rarely rarely makes me feel dumb. He usually makes me feel intelligent and respected but today in the budget squabble he seemed to have it down and I was left to mull it over and break it down so I just felt defeated and left behind in understanding.

I took my deep breath and stepped back and dissected the issue, which is definitely resolved today, but I don't say it wasn't a set back mentally for a bit. I will say I was going to blog about something completely different and then this happened and I'm happy it did.

Maybe you don't bawl over silly things, or maybe you do. Maybe something else is your budget bawl, but sometimes we have these things that we need extra patience with that just make us feel inferior, and that sucks! There's no way around how much that sucks. The important thing is to know we all have those moments where it just doesn't click and it gets frustrating. My daughter has them regularly and I now fully commiserate with the outbursts!  

Last Minute Planning Is Now Part Of The Transitional Stages

I'm a self-proclaimed and well known planner. I like to put things on calendars, even months in advance. But with how insane my husband's schedule has been, how little my mom has been able to help, a babysitter who is increasing unavailable, and my desperateness for time away from the norm, I've recently become the master of last minute planning.

You often just have to take things one day at a time, but lately I've been able to plan things with a day's notice or even just a few hours, with much more ease than previous times. I don't think I can blame this one on my growth, but rather a product of circumstance. 

I think right now I'm so aware that things could change on a dime that I'm able to just as well plan on a dime. But I thought about everything going on the past few months, I really took some time to reflect and realized that I'm in such a different place now.

I lost touch with someone who has been there through some of the most chaotic points of my past 3 years, and whom I looked up to. In that acceptance, I've realized it's because my current chaos is new. It's not manic chaos. It's transitional chaos, if you will. And I got this!

Years ago my chaos was seriously harming me. It was impeding many aspects of my life and definitely my mental health, but now I feel like all of my chaos is negotiable. The job change for my husband was not on our current planning scheme, but you really can't plan for life much these days, as things just keep rolling with or without you, so I just sucked it up and figured out how to be supportive.

When boot camp ended it hurt my world, but I did my research and found another outlet. And I love my new gym! It's a welcome challenge that I love and embrace and something I've wanted to get into for such a long time. If I had to lose boot camp, I'm glad I have 9Rounds. 

So since March I've lost boot camp, lost touch with a friend I got used to having around more often, worked hard on myself and my close personal relationships, and watched my husband get promoted to a newer, more responsible job position, immediately yanking him away from normal aspects of family routines.

The job transition has been rough, but I've tried to just take it as it comes. Some days I get irrationally pissed. Other days I feel like I have it all together. I know in the long run, and when things get settled, it will all be for the best.

So going from planning a month in advance with a sitter locked in, to having to wait until the day before or day of, or having to say "Right now it looks like I can make it work, but it could change," has been a hurdle in the transition for me, for sure, but one that I feel okay about. 

It's kept me relatively honest about stuff. With my depression and anxiety I have a hard time communicating with people when it comes to asking them to work with me on what I need to best make social interactions work well. Now I've had to be like, "Look I have every intention of trying to attend but with the hubby's schedule it could not work out that way at all." Or just say "I can come, with or without child, no promises on the whole Chriss fam."

I can see how that may come across flaky and annoying; undependable. But right now it is the reality I'm in. Knowing that it may be perceived that way has been helpful too.

Transitions are rough for me. I think in a sense they are rough for everyone, some just hide it better, but I can have some serious problems with transitions. The last few months have made me work on that, and face it all, ready to defeat it. I'm a work in progress what can I say.

For this Sunday we have taken things as they have come. I have planned a little here and there but nothing too crazy. I'm happy to have some down time but mostly I feel grateful, and really that's what it's all about.

Supportive Spousal Responsibilities Suck...Sometimes

One of the things I discovered early on in marriage is that being a supportive spouse goes a long way, especially when you might disagree with a choice but it's what your significant other wants, so you push to make it happen. This has been a huge struggle for me during motherhood.

When it's just you and your man, you can be all in, ride or die. When you have a kiddo to consider, things can get complicated; fast. I've felt cornered a lot in the last 5 years because some of those spousal support moments have come with doubt, anger and feelings of not having a choice but to sigh and say, "Okay babe." There have been times I KNEW, with every fiber of my being, it was a bad, inconvenient, and unfair choice, but I just let him go forward because he wanted it. And to me, marriage is just supporting each other, unconditionally.

I also have refrained from the "Told ya so," moments. Trust me, I've wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I'm a firm believer in all things are a learning experience so, I try to keep my negativity curbed as much as possible. I'm currently in a moment where, I don't believe current circumstances to be a bad choice, I just realize that it's not an easy one, if you will.

My husband is Mr. Hospitality. I mean this as he has worked his entire career in the Restaurant industry from the delivery guy to the dish pit to upper management. After all kinds of unnecessary drama, today is the day he will be prompted to step into the realm of head chef at a local and well known French Bistro. 

On the one hand, I'm ridiculously proud of him. I get really angry sometimes, and sad that some parts of our extended family don't appreciate how hard he worked and how much talent he has. He legitimately is self taught or found amazing mentors. but has been the driving force behind many restaurant successes. He has often been mistreated in the wake of those restaurants thriving, in my defensive, wifely and biased opinion. I'm not getting that vibe this time in this situation, but from personal experience I know this can be a nasty business. 

I will admit that this was literally not part of the current plan, not even remotely, and throws us a wrench. But, as a famous movie said, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!" 

I had literally every emotion all at once yesterday and had to get myself together. All the plans I was hinging on, even for today, were completely derailed. I did what I do best, and started cleaning things, the things I was told to leave for my husband today, on his day off, which he is now working on. Then I had to talk to the kiddo.

My husband and I have no talent at communicating at opportune moments. We blurt things at each other instead of have some calm, round table discussion. In the midst of mentally armoring ourselves the for the battle before us, our daughter picked up on some of the emotions flying about. She pulled me aside and said, "Mom, why are you and dad being so weird? Daddy was kinda rude to me and you guys are acting weird."

I leveled with her and said, "Daddy is just going through some job stuff. It's good stuff but plans are going to change and it's a little stressful. But I'm here. So you have me and that's all you need to worry about." She then proceeded to do a bunch of chores, unprompted, last night including straightening up the living room, hanging up blankets, putting toys away, and making the house smell nice. She's the best and I will brag about her to the point of being annoying.

We're in for a rough run; I'm being completely honest with myself about that. Hubby will be working extra and doing an overhaul in the wake of everything and I just have to kick butt at home and keep going to work and grabbing the little one at the end of the day. I can't make plans because I have no idea when he will be around and don't want to miss any family time opportunities. They could be few and far between for a minimum of 5 weeks, if not more. 

We've been working pretty hard on being better communicators as significant others. We've been generally kinder towards each other and our biggest fear that comes with this huge accomplishment for him is just worrying about the weight of what it will do to our progress. It's delicate right now, and we're freshly feeling better about each other so we don't want to mess anything up. I think that's the most accurate way I can describe it. 

This also isn't my first rodeo. I've been here many times in our marriage. Hospitality industry job transitions are super clunky and stressful. It's just part of that career. For me, it never gets easier, I just learn how to adjust my expectations and be more realistic about what is in front of me. Call it growth but right now, all I can do is support whatever he needs. If that means, not asking him to take on extra chores or to put away laundry, that's okay.

I told him that, yes, this isn't ideal for timing. This isn't a long term goal met earlier to great surprise. This is a new challenge and a whole new thing for us all. He will do well. He will thrive because this is what he does best, but that's not to say that some days won't be much better than others.

There was a part of me that wanted to play, "Oh woe is me," but that's not productive. I had my pouty moment, and decided to just embrace the good aspects of all of this instead. This learning experience will bring great wisdom and new horizons for him for sure. Sometimes the path to where you should be gets detoured and needs alternate, newer routes. This doesn't mean you won't get to the destination eventually. I can try and be a little more ride or die like the old days and a little less skeptical like the anxious Alison he knows and (hopefully) loves. 

My plan of attack is to just keep everything awesome on the home front and mom like a boss. I'll self care if I can and try to wife it up well enough also to keep him plugging along. It's hard to explain to people how it all works and the effects it can have when your schedule and sense of normalcy gets turned upside down. In most ways this is a positive and exciting thing filled with celebratory moments, but it is a challenge and new set of responsibilities to balance in work and at home for the entire family.

Just because it will be difficult doesn't mean it's not worth it, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and probably overflow my blog with all the ramifications. For this Monday I'm staying positive and counting the blessings. We'll see what happens a week into the newness. Here we go!

Rained Out Beach Plans Mean Overdue Relax Time

I booked a lot of things for this weekend. Today was supposed to be church and beach but we got a crazy thunderstorm that killed off the beach plans. Time to improvise!

This weekend brought waves of feelings of being overwhelmed. Between end of year and teacher appreciation stuff, job hurdles for my husbands, and plans having to be rearranged, things got heavy fast and all I can do is keep trying to stay positive a la "Just keep swimming."

I can only control so much, however I can also only handle so much. What a wonderful line that is. So on a Sunday afternoon, I had a moment where I wanted to diatribe it up and complain. I wanted to write about the struggle in all my exhaustion and vent it all out. But, I decided, why feed into it more?

Sundays are supposed to be a peaceful reboot time and in the midst of the chaos, here I am, still chugging along. My daughter and I are chilling, watching Netflix and embracing a lazy day after the thunderstorms. I had high hopes for a beach day but we can't always get what we want.

I even managed to only dust and do laundry as opposed to scour the house. Weekends are hard, and I don't even mean that sarcastically. Weekends are rough. You try and squeeze so much into so little time and then you realize you have to rally to watch Game of Thrones. It's quite a life.

For now I'm counting my blessings amidst the unknown and embracing as much as I can within my sanity. This week may have some heavy subject matter as I will be divulging all the things. Hang tight readers and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Sunday Is Really Just Monday Eve

I've successfully been a heathen about a month now. I've taken a church hiatus; it happens every so often. Mostly out of exhaustion, but right now I'm just going through some stuff, and while some find solace within church walls, for me it adds to the confusion. So I've just been taking some space.

It can be hard to explain but my daughter and I are similar in our wavelengths when it comes to hitting our social-ness walls. We're so good at planned and routine activities, but every so often we need to just do our own version of way less, and kinda just "be."

I tried to be that mom that planned the play dates and activities this weekend but it was a good lesson for both my daughter and I that, things can turn on a dime. Time to adapt. She had a melt down earlier and it was warranted but I quickly tried for a "Plan B" of sorts and was able to get her back on track. She is now exhausted in front of Netflix.

It's recently been discovered that my comfort zone is just watching TV and that's how I relax. In this day and age if you aren't watching 14 series on all the streaming at once, you're out of the loop. It can feel just as overwhelming as the rest of life. I've found my ways to integrate all the things without compromising too much of myself but it's definitely a balancing act to say the least. 

Sunday has really just become Monday Eve. For me it's all about "before the week kicks off," down time. I'm sure that is the way it was designed and laid out in the bible, but it's funny we seldom find it feasible. I even still have some basic cleaning things I "should do." Knowing me I will push it off until next week because I might end up feeling the weight of things to come.

Sunday in this house is usually the only opportunity we have to choose to "sleep in." For most parents, "sleeping in" is for teenagers and college students. There is always an animal or child that wakes you. For me, sleeping in is waking upon my own volition, meaning without an alarm. Sunday is the only chance I have of that. Every other day is scheduled and regimented. So planning to get up and go on Sunday can cause me a lot of stress, turns out my daughter revealed slightly the same sentiment and today we slept in.

Sunday around 4PM I turn into a pumpkin. It's a countdown to Pajamas. Dinner and bed time is always pretty early and if I can get the dog out for one more round before we all just collapse, I feel accomplished. There is also always laundry and likely a few more chores. But to me it's a count down and at the strike of 8PM all must be quiet on the home front. 

Starting the week off right is huge for me. I feel like it can set the tone. With Sunday as just the day before Monday, it's so important for me to feel capable of starting the routine again. I've had to adapt a lot lately, and so has my daughter and sometimes I feel like I can see, like very visibly see, the wear and tear it has had on us. 

Sometimes, okay often, I feel like a bad mom. When I finally got my home as just mine with my mother in a separate space and my very own first house, I stopped pretending we all had to do everything together. I have a TV in my room, and the living room one is shared among us all but is usually overrun by my daughter. I don't often watch hours of My Little Pony sitting there bored. Mostly I'm doing chores or working on things in my room with something I want to watch in the background. 

I'm just one room away and I just refuse to sit there with her when she doesn't even care. We watch Disney movies together, and I've watched an episode or two of her favorite shows but I let her "binge-on" and enjoy. I feel it's no worse than kids playing hours of iPad and everyone is allowed time to veg out, especially right before the week starts.

On weekdays, she doesn't get any of her own shows. Sometimes we have TV on in the background but she doesn't get to watch any movies or shows of her own. We have set routines and I make sure we follow as much as we can. I'm fully aware that some day sports and such will derail any plan I could have, so I enjoy the calm while I can.

Mondays through Fridays are just so darn busy, and with Sunday and Monday eve it can feel like the calm before the storm. What is the phrase now? "Sunday scaries?" I think that's the scare before the impending week, perhaps but I'm not down with the cool kid lingo so I'm unsure. Sunday is when I feel the most likely to self care. Saturdays are often still packed and busy.

So here we are on Monday Eve. I had the most "Monday-est" Friday there ever was, a productive and fantastic Saturday and Sunday has been outdoor adventures leaving me to sit in my bed and type this while listening to the kids Netflix profile bark from the TV in the living room. I have laundry to fold, dinner to prepare, some spot cleaning to do, and I desperately would love to snag some more down time. 

On this Monday Eve, I say this; self care on a Sunday is tantamount to some of us functioning well from week to week, so tread lightly with those of us that seem more "lazy" on these days. Everyone is on different wavelengths and if you find someone on a similar one to you, vibe with that well, as I've work diligently on with my daughter. Send those check in texts if the week took over and Saturday came and went. Sundays are the perfect time to reboot for the week ahead and it's easier to reach out before Monday sweeps you away.

Lastly, it's okay to not be okay, as one of my favorite people so gently reminded me this week. And taking space in your own way is also okay, just don't live there for too long, this world and your tribe needs you. So happy Monday Eve. May your last hours of the weekend be gentle, and prepare you well for another week!

Drivers Driving Me Crazy

I've made no attempt at hiding my PTSD from the accident and some moments are far worse than others, but these drivers down here in sunny Florida are driving me crazy. I was once told that most drivers expect a last minute merge and cutoff, so that's how you should just do it because it's already anticipated...um no. 

I'm overly cautious because I have a huge fear of the sideswipe. Blind spots freak me out and the speed with which people drive around is concerning in general. Since I've been driving to St. Pete daily for the work week, I've become even more sensitive but also more used to how crazy it can get.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I don't look at my phone while I'm driving ever. Besides needing to be a Spotify DJ and moments at stops lights of boredom, I try very much not to mess with my phone in transit. What concerns me now, is how much cell phones are just a constant in every car and how now one seems to pay attention to what is around them, but rather has phone in hand, just driving along. I'm not exaggerating that it's almost every car and that you'll find it with me too.

Yesterday on my way home on the Bayside bridge I saw this white sedan feverishly tailgating in stop and go traffic. Swerving to get between and in front of everyone and noticeably pissing off drivers everywhere,  when I finally passed her she was texting on her phone. It was crazy, but I sighed to myself, "Of course!" She was already driving recklessly and so naturally, let's add the cell phone into the mix.

I can't speak for anyone else in terms of surviving a traumatic car accident, but I am just very sensitive to all aspects of the commute, along with traffic and driving woes. It is a bitter diatribe overall, but also just a question of safety. When my daughter is in the car with me I'm even more overly cautious, because it just freaks me out how crazy drivers can be these days.

I grew up in places made of small towns, country roads, and then mountain roads. This was before cell phones were really a commodity, let alone commonplace in a car. Oregon has distracted driving laws. My dad will pull over when I call, tell me he can't talk for another hour, then safely call me back at home. New York has something similar I think.

Don't get me wrong, Michael Scott said it best as Florida being a "Colorful, lawless swamp," but I've never seen so many accidents and had never really been in one, until we moved here.

Now, I learned how to drive in south Florida, off of I-95 near one of America's most notably "dangerous" stretches of highway. It was a lot like that iconic scene from Clueless where they end up on the freeway freaking out:

My husband never understood why I drove so defensively like, "kill or be killed" on the Oregon highways until we moved to Tampa and one day had the a-ha moment of "Oh, you had to outwit all these psycho drivers! I see now!"

It doesn't help that we have so many snow birds either. To their credit, we love what our part time residents do for the Florida economy and we appreciate it, but it's confusing and frustrating when the locals need to be places. These drivers are driving me crazy!

It seriously stresses me out and gives me anxiety to the point where I will go out of my way to go around certain trigger areas or areas that I just can't deal with. After driving in Oregon and then coming back to Florida, and I just so happen to actually know the majority of the pedestrian, driving and even cycling laws, I usually have the above Zoolander reaction regularly.

More often than not it is all maddening. I try to just breathe and take it down a notch but these drivers drive me crazy. I'm sure I drive people nuts too, but I seriously wish that before we enter the era where the cars just drive for us, we could all actually learn to drive safely. However, after all this I have come to the conclusion that Florida may be just playing it fast and loose with the definition of "safely."

Buckle up readers!