Great Company For Great Strides

After my visit from Depression and Anxiety Labor Day weekend, this past weekend was about taking some time back for myself. For me, this meant socializing a bit better, so immediately I arranged breakfast brunch type things with two of my favorite women.

Breakfast is my favorite. My husband and I used to make epic breakfasts that lasted through lunch and we would be lazy in our jammies, drink too much coffee, sometimes have mimosas and loved every minute of it. This was pre-baby of course. Usually my SOLE request for Christmas morning is breakfast quiche or just plain breakfast and mimosas. 

Hubby is not a breakfast person unless breakfast happens at lunch time. He refuses to eat when he wakes up. I usually eat right after a workout but it's usually small and calorie conscious, rather than a delicious plate of pancakes and sausage. When you throw in great company and great conversations, breakfast out is healing, and this past weekend it just was.

Not only do I like trying new places but being able to be myself and talk a bit about the general goings on outside of my therapy sessions are incredibly healing. I also never get to indulge in going out to eat or not worrying about what I'm eating. I am very much a mindful eater now. 

Mostly taking some time to get me out of kid mode and have a little social time to myself was essential. I forget this often because I'm forever the mom, but I need some adult interaction from time to time. I also very much need my tribe.

Some people can be more independent of their socialization but not I. I can hermit quite well but I need to know that not only do other people exist outside the confines of my home, but I need to join them and have conversations, actively listen, laugh, get real and have some shared emotions and exchanges. When I miss these things, I start to wobble.

I find I am at my best mentally and emotionally when I cultivate the company closest to me carefully. I've had so many conversations about this lately in terms of cutting "toxic people" out of lives. For me, I've noticed that my behavior is either enhanced or depleted based on the company I keep. Let me explain a bit better.

If I'm around a friend that only whines, and is only listening to me so they can speak instead of wanting to share a conversation and maybe a meal with me, I get bratty, rude, cynical and more sarcastic than usual. If I'm around a kind-hearted sympathetic supporter of me that wants to share food and life stories, I feel calm, at peace, rejuvenated and grateful.

I leave these friend dates and take a moment to take in how fortunate I am to have beings around me that care. I especially am grateful when they give me the gift of their time and consideration. These are things I don't take lightly in this day and age.

We have those moments of out reach when we hit a wall and we try to find someone to break us out of the funk and go play. More often than not people are already scheduled, already busy, or don't have the budget and where-with-all to up and drop money on an activity. These moments suck! So when I have a friend that schedules with me and plans and we jointly commit, even an hour to each other, I just wanna pop all the champagne! It's a huge deal to me!

Call it a product of being a wife to a hospitality man but I'm always so grateful when someone thinks I'm worthy of their time. It's my Sally Field "You really love me moment."

When I get to be around my friends in great circumstances and calming conversations, it makes me feel more capable to deal with other stresses and life woes. Their great company gives me the confidence to make greater strides and I hold that dear to me. I've learned how to hold onto the ones who keep me growing and keep me going and I don't want to let go.

Friendships can come and go. They can move through seasons and life phases or they can just be a "single serving" type of situation, Fight Club style. I'm paying closer attention to where I am, where I've been and whom I've shared time and conversation with as to when I'm ready for these great strides and steps in growth. It's been an interesting part of the journey but keeps me more and more grateful.

It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to share. So when you find a friend that can grab a breakfast with you and talk about all things in life over coffee, keep that great company close so you can just be greater in change. For me it is one more part of my self care, but we all need some socialization from time to time anyway. Make yours count!

It's Okay To Remind Yourself It's Okay

Lately my internal dialogue has been interesting. I've keyed into it now more than ever. Sometimes I'll catch myself just repeating reminders to myself under my breath. Most often it's just consistent affirmation that, "It's okay," "I'm okay," or "It will be okay."

The difference between the "okays" now and say, 4 years ago, is that they are more believable and realistic currently. I feel like during the darker times they were just a band-aid on a gushing wound. In the past, reminding myself that it "was okay" was more of an attempt to hate myself less, rather than heal and grow. Today, the okays are support and pushing my emotional and mental growth.

I would compare it to those moments during a workout where you are convinced you'll keel over and you can't finish but you tell yourself, "Nah, you got this." That basic idea is one that I have translated into every day life.

Inner dialogue is delicate because it can come across as completely crazy and almost unhinged in certain circumstances. I am going to make a blanket statement that inner dialogue or working something out in your mind, is a little different than "hearing voices" or actually talking to yourself, although I've had both of those happen in my life too.

I used to reach out to people to help remind me that it's okay which in retrospect was kind of unfair in many aspects. On the one hand, "asking for help," is awesome and sometimes necessary. On the other hand, that can put pressure on people and make them feel like an unpaid therapist.

I think we all need certain encouragement from other sources when warranted, but we also need to self care, self love and self-rely on just me, myself and I. My internal dialogue can range from, simple and silly, to completely deep and driven depending on whatever it is that I am sorting out.

It could be a rationalization for an unanswered question. It can be an encouragement to breathe deep and know that the anxious feelings will surpass from a work exchange or life exchange. It can be finding a solution to a problem. It can be feeling inferior or attacked even. All of these moments have my inner self working for me.

These moments are also like "self-check ins." Sometimes they get the hamster wheels working to find out what actually bothered me. The "okays" come often when faced with triggers. Finding my triggers has been quite an experience. I'm not sure I will ever unveil them all. I compare it to a fossil dig; there could be some stuff layers and layers down that will never fully uncovered.

It can also feel very uncomfortable to dig into that part of myself because triggers can be mean and ugly and can take you to a place you didn't want to go. I had felt triggered earlier this week and I gave myself the, "Okay, so what was really your issue with the subject at hand?" It wound me into this whole, issue of speaking outside of personal experience, judgement on others, addiction and recovery misunderstanding, the issue of forgiveness, the issue of struggling in relationships and then all the way around to women's rights issues and the societal norms for women. I was completely heated about this trigger of just feeling "not okay" with what was put before me.

I almost wrote some big, bad, blog about it but realized it would serve no one but me because my triggers are my own and while I can share them, they often won't be the same as anyone else's. I also didn't want to just pour out some bitter diatribe about things that left a bad taste in my mouth. Everyone has those moments and exchanges from time to time. It's human and again, totally okay.

It's not only extremely okay to remind yourself of the "okay-ness," but I feel it extremely necessary. Life gets overwhelming in a mere moment. You can be having a routine day and get upsetting news of any kind and feel as though nothing is remotely okay. You can be having a boring day and have one minor thing trip you up and you feel wobbly. These are the moments my internal dialogue kicks in and says, "Yeah that's frustrating and really horrible, you can sit with this a moment but it will be okay. It's okay to be defeated right now."

Recently I have been in love with my ability to allow myself to be human because that hasn't been the case over the past handful of years. I had held myself to impossible standards that broke me and I slowly picked up the rubble. So now, being so human and loving myself more through it feels peaceful and calm.

I've made crap choices. I've hurt people I love a lot. I've spent years in fear of what others would think, "if they knew," about hurdles, frustrations and my realities. Now that I've spent hard time healing, I like knowing that, not only are those dark times "okay" and overcome-able, but anything in the future is "okay" and deal-with-able too. 

Reminding yourself of "the okay" doesn't feel selfish to me. I suppose it could be in some circumstances but I think we need self-affirmation from time to time. We naturally seek outside validation, whether we admit it or not, so being okay with yourself should be a positive (mostly).

Everything is a delicate balance. I admitted a few months ago that there were periods of my depression when things were rough, and where it was legitimately terrible and hopeless feeling, but I couldn't allow myself to "live there." I could pass through but not unpack. What did my therapist say to that? "That's okay, that makes sense." The okay-ness affirmed and validated by a third party, then allowed me to look into myself and say, "yes, that is okay."

It is okay. Tell yourself that. Write it down. Read it again. It is all okay. It will all be okay. It is my core belief that it is okay to remind yourself, as much as needed, that it's okay. This may not be a "thing" for you. This may not seem alright or attainable, which is fine. To each their own, but I encourage anyone, especially those feeling anxious, to try some internal dialogue about "the okays," and see where it takes you.

My journey has been uncomfortable, strange, wobbly, bumpy and fearful. My journey is still evolving, but small steps for me have had huge gains and I keep those victories with me for the bad days. Keep going, readers! We're one day closer to the weekend!

An Unlikely Best Weekend

This past weekend was freedom after the plague, with no posts again. After an epic therapy session Friday, I realized that my self care game still needs some vast improvement, so if weekend posts become too daunting, why do it? I also just don't have the same easy tools at home as I do at the office. So this weekend inadvertently was the best thing ever, born out of all things unlikely.

The husband has been working 6 days a week. It's been more intense and anxiety-producing than I had imagined. I fashion myself a resilient thing, one to conquer all but I am human. Sometimes things are just crappy, but this too shall pass.

Friday came with a grocery run and grabbing the kid early then home to self care and watch some Hulu, while letting the kid veg out. Saturday was workout then horseback riding. The rest of Saturday was an unlikely success, and one that I'm weirdly proud of.

My daughter is constantly struggling with listening. I can handle a lot. My husband is touch and go with patience, especially with working so much. She was sassy from the Saturday start and I had started mentally compiling and cleaning and organization list for an afternoon at home. I had already planned an epic play date for her Sunday, and made it clear that Saturday was chill at home and get stuff done.

My original image for this was her watching movies and playing video games while I did all the things in the house. However, she had a very, very rough horseback riding lesson and lost her privileges, and that means NO technology - no TV, no tablet, no video games. This is a child's worst nightmare. We sat down to lunch and then I was ready to go. I made her go through and organize her stuff.

I decided also to reorganize my vinyl collection and rock some albums all day. I tortured my kid with my singing of Neil Diamond hits, the Beatles, Elton John, Joni Mitchell, Talking Heads, Dire Straits, and so on. When I was obnoxiously singing Neil Diamond, which I hadn't indulged in in a long time, I thought, this is the shit she will remember. She will be driving one day and hear a song and think, "God my mom used to sing this all the time." I knew this because I recently had those recurring moments and memories with my dad and my uncle Pete. Forever would I hold dear some random Sunday pilgrimage with my uncle where he ran into Wal-Mart to buy my cousins dress shoes for the fancy restaurant we would go to, and came out with a new Temptations CD and belted it out.

I made her read me the albums in organization and we talked about the artists. She helped me wipe things down and move stuff. She got really excited about making the house look nice with me, taking pride in little adjustments. She wanted to report them all to her dad later.

We took a bug hunt walk in between afternoon thunderstorms. We played in her doll house in small increments, in between projects. By 6PM she had done so much and apologized to me for her out-bursts so I let her watch Looney Tunes, also a weird kind of throwback thing, but she appreciated it. She was happy to watch and unwind.

I hadn't been that kind of productive in a long time and it felt so great. We weren't running all day doing whatever, we were cultivating home. There were no time constraints and schedules. There was no "stop and go." It was wonderful, actually.

On Sunday we had a lazy morning with the husband home a bit before running off to work, which was also fantastic. Then her little best friend came over and we did the mom chat thing and they just made messes and had fun. I was still able to reorganize and clean out drawers, finish laundry, change sheets and so on and so forth. It was completely rejuvenating.

I didn't feel like I missed out on anything or needed to go people. I didn't feel like I should go spend money or couldn't do what I wanted without spending unnecessary money. I was able to utilize what we had around and make it work. It felt empowering.

By the time I was done, so was my daughter. We both hid our productivity wall and needed to unwind. We didn't get as much family time with the husband as we would have liked but we did what we could with what we had. Last night we read some chapters together, allowing me to feel like a good mom. 

I realized how much down time I need and deserve, and how much better I do when adequately rested. I realized how well my daughter and I do when we have plans and projects, but also time to just be mom and daughter together. I realized I do really need to work on more concrete self care habits to calm my anxiety and stress levels. It was a good weekend of reflection as well.

Coming off of things being grateful, calm and rested feels long over-due, which is not to say I'm usually ungrateful, but I feel like when things are off their normal routines and you can find that happiness within a struggle, there is so much to be said for that. What a great way to kick off the holiday week!

I Inadvertently Messed Up My New Routine, With Negative Results

I have been avidly podcasting for almost a month, with good results. It's easy for me to listen at work, especially as something I can pick up and put down at will. However, I got derailed from the norm and missed a few days of listening, and now feel like Andy in Parks and Rec, as shown above.

Ironically I have been re-watching Parks and Rec. I'll just blame that for now.

Yesterday I was just so tired. I didn't sleep well Monday night and I'm embracing this detoured path, pouring support into my husband's new job position and attempting to keep up my house, all while trying not be the worst mom ever.

Monday night I felt so accomplished. I got the kiddo and myself fed for dinner, walked the dog, ran the dishwasher and vacuum, and even steam cleaned the living room, dining room and kitchen! All on a Monday night! Go me!

Last night I was fighting a migraine and it won. I put on a 90 minute movie for myself, inhaled a huge salad, let my daughter watch Barbie on Hulu and was in bed with my child at 8:30PM. We read a super short book and I accomplished nothing but an early bed time. Not my finest Tuesday.

I realized this morning that, yes I needed the rest, but tonight I have a bunch more stuff to do and dinner by Netflix isn't conducive, so I need to pull it together.

I haven't been reading as much as I need to. I need to snap that back into gear tonight too, as the results of that little nightly routine were so very helpful to my day to day. The negative results I see and feel from any form of laziness, just aren't worth it. 

So I'm getting over this hump day by planning to conquer it on all levels. My workout game hasn't been deterred much but I need to bring it all on the home front to combat just how crazy my husband's schedule will be for the next few weeks.

I'm grateful for a lot right now. I'm pushing myself to stay positive. The strides I have made, I've given myself a pat on the back for, and I'm not letting things get in my way. I'm still Pinterest-ing like a boss in my free time as well, which I find helpful when I need some good quotes and perspectives. 

I've realized that I spent so many years doing everything that now that I've delegated some things, and have to return to me doing everything, if only for a short period of time but still, it's overwhelming. Ironically there are some people I wish I could share the mania with, but I know wouldn't be a helpful supportive ear, but instead would let me go back to lame coping mechanisms instead of willing me to conquer. It's only now that I can admit that and am awake to it.

I find myself wishing happiness for others a lot more, especially those people who've fallen off my grid. I find myself thinking of others' struggles rather than my own as I'm getting used to more peace and less chaos.

My husband said something about the general attitude of things being more positive when you take away a negative ruling force, which we both have had quick changes on. You get used to staying in murky waters when it's all you feel you have to navigate within. It's funny how when you have your way cleared, you can see more, shine brighter and dare I say, even thrive. 

It's like the Mario cloud. I recently used this analogy with one of my best friends:

                   

We all remember that little dude, who throws things at you when you're just trying to level up? My goodness the metaphors! I might go on a tangent. You been warned!

How well could you do with that little cloud following you and thwarting you, right? You had to outrun and outsmart it, while getting as many points as you could in between. Then you had figure out how to get on top of him and squash him! He was not welcome! 

When you have a person, a place, or things that loom over you like the little Mario cloud dude, how well can you do? How much can you progress? This speaks on levels, pun intended.

Sometimes you don't even realize it either. The clouds just appear and you're not too upset about the gray, maybe you think it's not that bad or you can still stay positive. You gotta be fully in the sunshine before you realize the gray isn't what's good for ya!

We're coming up on 10 years of life in Florida and when I get a hard time from the family about moving away from the great state of Oregon I reiterate that I just wasn't made for that much gray and rain. I also have come to deeply loathe the cold. I was made for the sunshine state. Don't get me wrong, as a ginger I burn quickly in that gorgeous sunlight, but I thrive here!

I didn't realize how depressed I was and how seasonally and regularly in Oregon, until I lived here in the sunshine and was like "Wow, I'd really have to commit to being completely sad because even the storms pass in 20 minutes." It's too bright to be sad, in my opinion. In Eugene, it is gray like 9 months out of the year I swear. And that is some cold, cold rain. I love to visit Oregon in the summer, more than anything, but I'm good in Florida the rest of the time.

These realizations have been hitting me a lot lately. Wait, is that what the cool kids refer to as "Woke?" Damn, ANOTHER realization! What a wisdomous Wednesday. 

Anyway, I'm crazy grateful for being woke right now haha! That feels so weird and wrong to type. I don't think I can actually pull that off.

I'm just happy that I saw the negative throwing me off, and now am taking things back. It's not easy. It will take day to day determination, but here I come. I'm channeling some season 3 of The Office Pam vibes! Watch out world!