Great Company For Great Strides

After my visit from Depression and Anxiety Labor Day weekend, this past weekend was about taking some time back for myself. For me, this meant socializing a bit better, so immediately I arranged breakfast brunch type things with two of my favorite women.

Breakfast is my favorite. My husband and I used to make epic breakfasts that lasted through lunch and we would be lazy in our jammies, drink too much coffee, sometimes have mimosas and loved every minute of it. This was pre-baby of course. Usually my SOLE request for Christmas morning is breakfast quiche or just plain breakfast and mimosas. 

Hubby is not a breakfast person unless breakfast happens at lunch time. He refuses to eat when he wakes up. I usually eat right after a workout but it's usually small and calorie conscious, rather than a delicious plate of pancakes and sausage. When you throw in great company and great conversations, breakfast out is healing, and this past weekend it just was.

Not only do I like trying new places but being able to be myself and talk a bit about the general goings on outside of my therapy sessions are incredibly healing. I also never get to indulge in going out to eat or not worrying about what I'm eating. I am very much a mindful eater now. 

Mostly taking some time to get me out of kid mode and have a little social time to myself was essential. I forget this often because I'm forever the mom, but I need some adult interaction from time to time. I also very much need my tribe.

Some people can be more independent of their socialization but not I. I can hermit quite well but I need to know that not only do other people exist outside the confines of my home, but I need to join them and have conversations, actively listen, laugh, get real and have some shared emotions and exchanges. When I miss these things, I start to wobble.

I find I am at my best mentally and emotionally when I cultivate the company closest to me carefully. I've had so many conversations about this lately in terms of cutting "toxic people" out of lives. For me, I've noticed that my behavior is either enhanced or depleted based on the company I keep. Let me explain a bit better.

If I'm around a friend that only whines, and is only listening to me so they can speak instead of wanting to share a conversation and maybe a meal with me, I get bratty, rude, cynical and more sarcastic than usual. If I'm around a kind-hearted sympathetic supporter of me that wants to share food and life stories, I feel calm, at peace, rejuvenated and grateful.

I leave these friend dates and take a moment to take in how fortunate I am to have beings around me that care. I especially am grateful when they give me the gift of their time and consideration. These are things I don't take lightly in this day and age.

We have those moments of out reach when we hit a wall and we try to find someone to break us out of the funk and go play. More often than not people are already scheduled, already busy, or don't have the budget and where-with-all to up and drop money on an activity. These moments suck! So when I have a friend that schedules with me and plans and we jointly commit, even an hour to each other, I just wanna pop all the champagne! It's a huge deal to me!

Call it a product of being a wife to a hospitality man but I'm always so grateful when someone thinks I'm worthy of their time. It's my Sally Field "You really love me moment."

When I get to be around my friends in great circumstances and calming conversations, it makes me feel more capable to deal with other stresses and life woes. Their great company gives me the confidence to make greater strides and I hold that dear to me. I've learned how to hold onto the ones who keep me growing and keep me going and I don't want to let go.

Friendships can come and go. They can move through seasons and life phases or they can just be a "single serving" type of situation, Fight Club style. I'm paying closer attention to where I am, where I've been and whom I've shared time and conversation with as to when I'm ready for these great strides and steps in growth. It's been an interesting part of the journey but keeps me more and more grateful.

It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to share. So when you find a friend that can grab a breakfast with you and talk about all things in life over coffee, keep that great company close so you can just be greater in change. For me it is one more part of my self care, but we all need some socialization from time to time anyway. Make yours count!

Coloring Myself Calm And Collected

Long before adult coloring books, gel pens and artistic coloring, I was just the 14 year old with a Barbie coloring book and a box of Crayola crayons on an airplane. Someone once asked me if I wasn't a little too old to be doing such, but coloring, and especially when traveling on planes, kept me calm. To this day, coloring still keeps me calm. It doesn't matter what is happening around me. Coloring requires all my focus and attention and I can just breathe, concentrate and create.

Looking back, through times of strife and uncertainty, I used to paint canvases, make collages, make care packages or re-decorate things. I'm not so great at step by step "make it like this" crafts but anything purely imaginative or with room for alteration and mistakes artistically is very much for me. With coloring, sure you're supposed to stay in the lines, but there is still plenty of room for creativity.

When adult coloring books first became "a thing" they were expensive and so were the colored pencils or markers or gel pens to go with them. Now that they are more mainstream, we have more options. One of my oldest and best friends gave me many coloring books and my most current and favorite coloring book entitled, "Go F*ck Yourself, I'm Coloring." It is coloring swear words and phrases. It is awesome.

For what I've been going through lately, this is beyond perfection. I spent both nights this past weekend coloring in my bedroom with my pile of gel pens and a movie on in the background. Ideally, I would like to color whilst listening to amazing tunes, but I had to work with what I had available.

Coloring somehow shuts off my brain and I just get lost in the whimsy. You can pick anything you want, any picture, any color. When my office moved locations last year, I packed all my coloring supplies away and like most things in life, they got shuffled around and inadvertently left in a bin in the garage. I finally remembered this and dug them out Saturday. 

For a long time I used to color in my downtime at work but I had this nosy, over-the-shoulder lurker of a co-worker that made the swearing one impossible to indulge in and anything else so interesting to her that she had to know what I was up to. I really just wanted to color and answer the phones lady! Back off!

Now, I feel as though this will be a good at home evening activity. I've professed repeatedly just how difficult self care is for me. Coloring is one way for me to do that. It's practically therapy for me. I think I've taken pictures of most of my creations if you sift through Google photos and the bulk of them end up on my Instagram.

This past weekend I did a before, some progress, and then an after shot and it felt awesome. I actually got some cool responses from friends. The thing about coloring is, it's an insanely simplistic activity that I think just gets lost in growing up, but is totally creative and healthy. I've never felt badly after coloring, like "gee I should have started more laundry." I always feel a sense of accomplishment.

Not all people are artistic, so I get that, but the coloring therapy was a "lost art" for me, pun intended and I realized what a nice therapeutic value it had. I couldn't wait to just sit and color. I was so happy curled up and using all my gel pens. Instead of obsessing about running out, I was just so happy to create. 

My daughter loves to draw and create also. I have always encouraged her creativity for this because I think it really enhances your imagination and art is just kind of amazing. My grandma used to do watercolor painting. She used to set me up a little station near hers and we would paint together. This memory I hold closely for her.

My sisters are super creative also and we all seemed to love to detail and get inventive with things. I think that outlet is expressive and extremely healthy. Coloring gives me clarity and a good focus point for me when I'm anxious or feeling blah.

This weekend I wouldn't say that we did anything special and after my mental relapse the weekend prior I tried to be easy on myself so putting in the coloring as a priority made a pretty wonderful difference. I rested well, I felt more calm in general. My daughter thought it was cool that I was doodling, so to speak. It just made me happy.

The irony of the swearing coloring book is just that, making something pretty out of really inappropriate commentary and phrases, was just plain fun. I'm that person who thinks that getting upset about swearing, unless you are around small ears, is kind of a waste of time. Swearing is just a bunch of ridiculous words we give value to because they are so taboo. It's your first "rebellion" like when you're 7 and you say something smells like shit and you get in trouble. Swearing is a false sense of force and power, but sometimes I feels really good as some kind of anger management exercise. Who doesn't love to scream the "f word" when someone cuts them off?

So making the work "dickwad" all cool and colorful is hilarious and freeing! I definitely don't mean to offend but sorry, not sorry!

This weekend I took my mental health and my self care back. I colored myself calm and collected and felt more me again. As life stresses you out and makes you very frantic, something a simple as an hour coloring in a black and white image can be fantastic, in my personal experience. I've known men and women who color and love it. I also understand if it's not your thing. 

For me it was a good lesson and a good practice in paying attention to myself. It allowed me to relax a little and feel way better. Okay, the getting out of the house with adults helped too, I can't lie, but when I was feeling grateful for supportive interactions, the coloring kept that vibe going strong.

So my musing this Monday is that, getting colorful helped me get out of the grey muck and back into myself. Find what does that for you this week if you can and definitely report back! 

Sore Makes Me Less Sorry For Myself

I had an old friend check in on me yesterday. Whenever life mentally beats me down, I kind of go hermit and hide from people. I start to refrain from checking in and just kind of try and keep afloat. We have become better in the last year of the every few months check in and as someone who I would consider one of my closest friends and someone I admire in life and motherhood, her check in came in right on time.

Having confessed to her last year my personal struggles with all things life and then finding out hers was similar and not all smiles and cute kids, she always asks about my big struggle. Yesterday I told her "I work out, A LOT, to burn off some of the stress."

I added an "LOL," to lighten the heaviness that might come with that commentary and realized this morning how happy I'd felt all week being so sore and sleeping so well, because I had kicked my butt physically. I think being sore made me feel less sorry for myself after my relapse of high anxiety and deep depression last weekend.

I think it's something that can be hard for people to grasp but because my mind is often like a hamster spinning on a wheel to nowhere, a focused workout or even a treadmill run takes all my mental energy and harnesses it for good, leaving me able to rest at ease later. I wish I could call it a vanity thing like I wanted to be "hot" and "slim" but that has almost nothing to do with it. I like to look healthy, which has a wide definition, different for everyone, but skinny is not my goal.

When I had my first realization of how deep my depression and anxiety where I was about 22 or 23. I had lost both of my grandparents within a year and my mom had a cancer scare with a large tumor removed. I had been through a lot with personal relationships and was mid-college trying to figure out this thing called life. In my therapy they emphasized the importance of routine, physical activity and structure. 

I would say I religiously follow that rule about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety that physical activity is tantamount to my mental recovery. I always feel badly when I don't work out and the sore is better than the sorry for myself. I always catch myself being at my worst when and if I'm not moving around enough.

Working out has always been my therapy, especially when we couldn't afford someone for me to talk to. When I work out it's usually just myself and my music. Music is therapy part two. There is nothing I can't do, and no mental anguish if I have the perfect play list, even if that play list is all depressing stuff.

I rest better at night, both physically and mentally, when I know I have physically exhausted myself. This can sound kind of masochistic but I actually just love that sense of accomplishment. I know plenty of people who live on protein shakes and hardcore diets and serious fitness goals and I'm happy that works for them, but I like knowing I can indulge in ice cream guilt free because I kicked my ass throughout the day.

When I feel sore, not only am I far less sorry for myself in general, but I know I did something right to keep feeling that work out as the day goes on. Yesterday I was laughing out loud at how much it hurt from soreness to run and to do other exercises because I had given myself consistently great workouts throughout the week. 

This morning I realized how imperative my workouts are for everything. I recently started taking my daughter to the gym with me. Not only is she old enough to actually take in what I'm doing, but she can sit and chill while I get my workout in, and if it's slow enough, join me a bit. Now my mom gave me a huge complex about my body, which I am fighting tooth and nail to NOT to do my daughter at all. I always tell her she's fantastic. "Fat" is like a swear word in our house. I want her to understand health and happiness, so I try to lead by example.

Some people may view my twice daily workouts five days a week as excessive or obsessive. But one could also say the same for Keto-dieters, taking all kinds of supplements or meal-planning, weight watchers and so on and so forth. To each their own. For me it is 90% mental health practices and 10% fitness related.

Also, I like working out. It is something I actually enjoy. I don't "enjoy" running but I'll do it sometimes. I do my best to make anything that makes me sore, at least less of a chore than other things. We all have workouts we like, and workouts we don't. I try and keep a decent mix.

For me working out is part of health care. It's preventative and part of a healthy lifestyle. Look I eat cookies, and cake, and many "unhealthy" things but all in moderation. So working out is meant to bring me some balance, both physically and mentally. It's what I strive for.

I think it would be easy to see my posts and say I'm a work-out-aholic. It could be easy to exchange one form of obsession or compulsion for another, but I think the work out obsession may be safer than a binge-eating situation. Some of the most functional people I know have a good workout routine and decent eating habits, even if they have a cheat day from time to time.

After my recent mental mis-step I'm just taking pride in the fact that I'm very aware of what to do to get myself back on my feet, so to speak. I know what my mind and body need and I'm not afraid or ashamed to share that. I love that being sore keeps away the "sorrys." I don't need to throw myself a pity party because we all have our mental woes. I need to continue to heal, and continue to grow. My fitness regimes feed that growth and healing and keep those endorphins flowing freely!

Also, Elle Woods is my girl so, I kinda like to follow her life model. Happy Friday!

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!

Last Day Of 33, Whatcha Got For Me?

On the eve of my birthday, or as I have been referring to it this year as, "Just Tuesday the 26th," while of course saying goodbye to 33 and hello to 34, I'm almost forced into some reflection so just bear with me.

I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.

My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.

I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.

This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.

This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.

Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.

There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.

I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.

For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.

Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.

So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!

"It's Not Even Worth It To Take Time For Myself" - Another Mom and Me Too

I literally was having an Instagram Messenger conversation with another mom and we were talking about a meme she posted about being too tired to do things and commiserating with one another. I've written about this subject on multiple occasions, but it bears further discussion in my opinion.

I usually feel like, not only is it frowned upon, but it's not even worth it to take time for myself. It has been my personal experience that whenever I indulge in some "Treat Yo Self" time, I come home to something worse than when I left. If I go get a massage, which happens once a year at best, I'll come home to some crazy mess. If I get a manicure or pedicure, hubby gets a migraine and I'm stressed about finishing the cleaning he couldn't. Sometimes I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suck at relaxing in general. I could most likely easily be diagnosed with ADD but I just feel like there is always something I need to be getting done. And I always have a million little projects on the Pinterest board of my mind! So when I get "me time," I either immediately have some weird form of "buyers" remorse or feel like I pay for it in other ways later.

For me, "me time" usually involves a workout because that isn't selfish it's self care, right? But now we see all these other self care methods like, face masks, manicures, pedicures and of course the Parks and Recreation spearheaded movement of "Treat Yo Self" which is just an excuse to buy a bunch of stuff you want for yourself. Man, I wish I could pull that off without feeling so badly about it right after.

In the grander scheme I do genuinely feel like taking time for myself isn't worth it. I don't know what it's like to be bored anymore and any time for just me to indulge in any "me" ways could be much better spent cleaning something or making some kind of progress of some kind. I often fantasize about what I would do with a day off with no plans. My husband immediately taunts me that it could never happen for me so it's an impossible dream. I over-plan and schedule everything.

Sometimes I wonder if there were no alarms and no responsibilities or obligations for a whole weekend, just how long I could sleep. And I think as moms we are tired because we constantly fear it's not worth taking time for ourselves, so we just keep running and running. We stay up late to watch too much TV, to eat what sugar and treats our kids can't have, and to do things without interruption. We get up early to beat the kids to stuff so we can get a head start on productivity. And we constantly rearrange everything to make sure everyone and everything else comes before we do. 

It can feel insanely thankless at times. You think of all these things you do and then people ask, "How do you do it all?" And the answer is you don't. We are our worst critics and we always feel we fall short. For instance, I have a clean house, a good job, and we finally have affordable health, dental and vision insurance and aren't up to our ears in debt. But I'm not involved in Luna's school like at all, and also, her one extra-curricular activity is on Saturday mornings and that's it. 

So again, it's not even worth taking any more time for myself than the gym because we have so much else going on. We do socially childless things maybe twice a month and I even try to keep us home as much as possible for chill and reboot time. 

I will admit during a crappy personal time I went through a selfish phase and was out too much and just on my own agenda and everything in my home life suffered, and I did too. But still, it pains me that most mothers feel this way. They feel like taking time for themselves just makes everything else worse and if they do they really won't be able to keep up or make up for it. I think the worst part of those feelings is, they are partially true.

We will never gain the lost time back. If we take a night to binge-watch Netflix and miss a sporting tournament or activity, we never get it back and we miss kid moments. If we don't wake up at 5AM and workout, we never get that workout back. In some senses, the whole "there's always tomorrow" thing is a bunch of crap that we can't even afford to buy into because, tomorrow will open a whole new kind of busy!

There will be more chores tomorrow, more mess, more dishes and more stress when we could just do it today. My husband gives me such a hard time about not leaving things until the morning. I always say I can sleep better just knowing it's done, which is true. I hate dreading a chore or list of things to get done, when I could have made some progress or done what I could the night before. It's a "blurse," a blessing and a curse.

My thoughts are this: let's strive to find even 5 minutes to ourselves for anything. Five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, a book, a couple songs or a walk! We can build from there and maybe learn how to give ourselves a little more time, and then feel it's worth it! Moms feel plenty of "unworthyness" feelings from all over, but some time for ourselves is not only okay but, we DESERVE IT. 

I won't wax on about it being "necessary," but I will speak from experience that it is helpful. A few minutes that are my own can completely turn around my mood and in turn, my entire day. So figure out ways to "Treat Yo Self," for just you, and no one else. Mine is a cup of fancy coffee on my way to work from my favorite coffee shop and then walking the dog alone a couple times a week. Feel free to post yours and share your self care methods. I want to know you're taking time for yourself because you're worth it. It's worth it. We are all worth it! Make that your mantra!