I Inadvertently Messed Up My New Routine, With Negative Results

I have been avidly podcasting for almost a month, with good results. It's easy for me to listen at work, especially as something I can pick up and put down at will. However, I got derailed from the norm and missed a few days of listening, and now feel like Andy in Parks and Rec, as shown above.

Ironically I have been re-watching Parks and Rec. I'll just blame that for now.

Yesterday I was just so tired. I didn't sleep well Monday night and I'm embracing this detoured path, pouring support into my husband's new job position and attempting to keep up my house, all while trying not be the worst mom ever.

Monday night I felt so accomplished. I got the kiddo and myself fed for dinner, walked the dog, ran the dishwasher and vacuum, and even steam cleaned the living room, dining room and kitchen! All on a Monday night! Go me!

Last night I was fighting a migraine and it won. I put on a 90 minute movie for myself, inhaled a huge salad, let my daughter watch Barbie on Hulu and was in bed with my child at 8:30PM. We read a super short book and I accomplished nothing but an early bed time. Not my finest Tuesday.

I realized this morning that, yes I needed the rest, but tonight I have a bunch more stuff to do and dinner by Netflix isn't conducive, so I need to pull it together.

I haven't been reading as much as I need to. I need to snap that back into gear tonight too, as the results of that little nightly routine were so very helpful to my day to day. The negative results I see and feel from any form of laziness, just aren't worth it. 

So I'm getting over this hump day by planning to conquer it on all levels. My workout game hasn't been deterred much but I need to bring it all on the home front to combat just how crazy my husband's schedule will be for the next few weeks.

I'm grateful for a lot right now. I'm pushing myself to stay positive. The strides I have made, I've given myself a pat on the back for, and I'm not letting things get in my way. I'm still Pinterest-ing like a boss in my free time as well, which I find helpful when I need some good quotes and perspectives. 

I've realized that I spent so many years doing everything that now that I've delegated some things, and have to return to me doing everything, if only for a short period of time but still, it's overwhelming. Ironically there are some people I wish I could share the mania with, but I know wouldn't be a helpful supportive ear, but instead would let me go back to lame coping mechanisms instead of willing me to conquer. It's only now that I can admit that and am awake to it.

I find myself wishing happiness for others a lot more, especially those people who've fallen off my grid. I find myself thinking of others' struggles rather than my own as I'm getting used to more peace and less chaos.

My husband said something about the general attitude of things being more positive when you take away a negative ruling force, which we both have had quick changes on. You get used to staying in murky waters when it's all you feel you have to navigate within. It's funny how when you have your way cleared, you can see more, shine brighter and dare I say, even thrive. 

It's like the Mario cloud. I recently used this analogy with one of my best friends:

                   

We all remember that little dude, who throws things at you when you're just trying to level up? My goodness the metaphors! I might go on a tangent. You been warned!

How well could you do with that little cloud following you and thwarting you, right? You had to outrun and outsmart it, while getting as many points as you could in between. Then you had figure out how to get on top of him and squash him! He was not welcome! 

When you have a person, a place, or things that loom over you like the little Mario cloud dude, how well can you do? How much can you progress? This speaks on levels, pun intended.

Sometimes you don't even realize it either. The clouds just appear and you're not too upset about the gray, maybe you think it's not that bad or you can still stay positive. You gotta be fully in the sunshine before you realize the gray isn't what's good for ya!

We're coming up on 10 years of life in Florida and when I get a hard time from the family about moving away from the great state of Oregon I reiterate that I just wasn't made for that much gray and rain. I also have come to deeply loathe the cold. I was made for the sunshine state. Don't get me wrong, as a ginger I burn quickly in that gorgeous sunlight, but I thrive here!

I didn't realize how depressed I was and how seasonally and regularly in Oregon, until I lived here in the sunshine and was like "Wow, I'd really have to commit to being completely sad because even the storms pass in 20 minutes." It's too bright to be sad, in my opinion. In Eugene, it is gray like 9 months out of the year I swear. And that is some cold, cold rain. I love to visit Oregon in the summer, more than anything, but I'm good in Florida the rest of the time.

These realizations have been hitting me a lot lately. Wait, is that what the cool kids refer to as "Woke?" Damn, ANOTHER realization! What a wisdomous Wednesday. 

Anyway, I'm crazy grateful for being woke right now haha! That feels so weird and wrong to type. I don't think I can actually pull that off.

I'm just happy that I saw the negative throwing me off, and now am taking things back. It's not easy. It will take day to day determination, but here I come. I'm channeling some season 3 of The Office Pam vibes! Watch out world!

The Vomit Draft

I'm sitting here listening to Dax Shepard interview Mike Schur on my ArmChair Expert podcast, and for those of you who don't pay attention to sitcom writers, Mike Schur did a lot of work on the American adaptation of The Office, he did Parks and Recreation and now has brought us my new obsession, The Good Place. They are talking about all kinds of things but I was very attentive as they started to talk about writing.

As a serious fan of these shows, meaning, I can quote the Office like Friends, Parks and Rec is just becoming more and more my default binge-watch, and The Good Place is just so frigging awesome, it's pretty interesting to hear Mike Schur talk about the writing process and how he operates. Dax Shepard brought up something that totally just blew me away, saying that he allows himself to just write terribly from time to time, and to just know that sometimes things will come out horrible and be utter garbage. He accepts this and allows it.

Mike Schur called this "The Vomit Draft." It is named so as something that is just proverbially "puked out," with yuck results but is stuff that you need to get out of you to be able to better write the next draft and the next draft. It seriously got the wheels turning in Anxious Alison's mind.

Dax Shepard also mentioned that if you sit down and think you're going to just write Shakespearean on the first try, you'll probably fail miserably because that's not a realistic expectation or even fair goal. But to allow yourself to have some crap amidst the good is much better.

I'm not sure if I proclaim myself as a "writer" really, as more of a ridiculous blogging enthusiast with some followers. I'd love to be paid to be a writer. Especially if I can write cutting edge things about why the Office is awesome and Parks and Rec is epic as well. I'm not sure I can hob nob with the "writing" elite just yes.

I'd love to have the time and creative space to write a book but, I'm not so sure that's realistic, let alone to be anything like Shakespeare goals. I think that blogging daily is the closest I've gotten in years to getting my writing done in a productive way and I'm pretty sure that Haiku, which was barely a Haiku was a "vomit draft."

The whole thing was fascinating to me. We put these ideals on people and imagine that writing just pours out into liquid gold. We assume that all of the writers of the shows we love have it all figured out and everything is a perfect puzzle. We forget that, they too, have to wade through the crap, er uh, vomit if you will.

Some days I can write these raw, fun, amazing pieces of myself and people read and say "Yay!" Other days I struggle to find something that's not vomit. It's kind of comforting to know that the writers that I admire have the same kind of days.

I also kind of love that it is well known as "The Vomit Draft," apparently. To me this is hilarious. As a mom, you get used to gross things fast, like poop, pee and puke. Ironically my husband has a Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases-like approach,

 

and he just immediately heaves and needs to get himself away. For me, I'll be covered in puke and still comforting the kid. Moms, and I guess writers can handle the vomit. My husband is very much akin to Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock:

I think creativity is rough, regardless, and there will always be someone who can do it better. I once tried to make a wreath at a Halloween thing my crafty mom friend threw, it was better as a centerpiece and could easily be posted as a Pinterest fail. I got to play with a hot glue gun though, so that was fun, but my friend made the wreath perfectly, and 3 other wreaths perfectly so, yeah, she has that part down. There will always be someone who does it differently, and with better results.

I can probably write more easily than others, though, and definitely better than a few. Essays, reviews, summaries and such come so naturally to me. So, everyone has their thing and for me, it's much more writing than anything else, even amidst the "vomit drafts."

Mostly the writing discussion on the podcast made me feel even more affirmation in my Podcasting choices and obsession, but also in my writing. In recent discoveries and acknowledgement of my growth, it seems as though some of these routines have been super fruitful and helpful in different areas of life and I'm embracing that success. Win!

On this particular Tuesday, where I am tired and emotionally a little done, I feel triumphant in knowing I'm doing okay even when I "vomit draft" a haiku or weekend post that is lackluster. For those of you faithful readers that endure it, just know it is part of everyone's writing process; I'm letting you in on my musings, good and bad! 

Progress In Podcasting

So it was April 8th I decided to join the rest of the free world in the podcasting phenomenon. I would say that my top one is still, "How Did This Get Made," but more often I listen to Dax Shepard's ArmChair Expert. The reason for this came to me yesterday in an Instagram discussion yesterday.

Social Media definitely has it's pros and cons. As a Game of Throne fan, social media is a dangerous place to be for spoiler alerts. As an anxious human, the rabbit holes on social media, are the stuff of Alice In Wonderland down a long and windy shoot to the little door. I'm the one who always ends up crying until I'm minimized to the jar that floats me away.

Facebook and I have been like those roommates that went to separate new places and now are trying to figure out if they can stay amicable. I feel like after any Facebook interaction, outside of memories or quippy memes, I end up irritated. But my heart lies with Instagram forever.

Why Instagram? I love following celebrities. One of my favorites that I follow happens to be the wife of Dax Shepherd, Kristen Bell. From her personal stories of parenthood, marriage and parent fails to just how endearing she is, it's hard not to be entertained. But I also love how...inherently "regular" these celebrities can be.

I follow many celebrities and musicians and love seeing updates and teasers of their work, when they post family pictures, jokes, fan art things and stories of their lives. Jenna Fischer documents her obsession and struggle with making homemade bread from scratch. Tom Hanks posts random pictures of gloves, shoes and such lost in New York on sidewalks and streets. And it's their accounts so they are posting these things. What a cool way to feel connected and find commonality.

Besides that, I love that it's picture based. It could be a quote or just a snapshot of cute puppies, but pictures are nice. Much better than status updates that are complaining and bitter, in my humble opinion. The stories and videos are fantastic as well. Maybe I'm going through withdrawals.

In my podcasting time, I have felt that connection with celebrities though, and it's refreshing. Dax Shepard gets his guests to talk about any range of subjects from acting to marriage, parenting, embarrassing stories and their career journeys. It's very humbling to hear some of these stories.

I loved his interaction with his wife when she was on. Seth Green was another amazing guest. He had David Sedaris on, which made my heart happy. Other favorite guests of mine include Johnny Knoxville, Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, and Mae Whitman, and I'm still catching up!

Part of the fun is following the ArmChair Expert Instagram feed, Dax Shepard's Instagram feed, and those of the interviewees that I like. Because then you get further insight and a view to their world.

I have a friend that is on Facebook, but not Instagram and I keep encouraging her to make the switch because, although I'm on a social media hiatus, I feel like I do worlds better just engaging with Instagram, than I ever did being engulfed into Facebook. It's very frustrating that you do miss out on certain parts of life when you keep these things out of your daily routine but Dax's podcast with Matthew Lilliard from last year brought up a statistic that if you spend two hours a day on social media, by the end of the year, you've spend a month of that year in your life on social media. That's a little jarring to me. WOW.

I can admit that I'm probably much, MUCH worse than that and I hate it. The time that I have without checking it every what, hour or so, or sometimes with more ridiculous frequency, is almost disturbing and I have noticed a more positive shift in my mood. Truly.

I've added ArmChair expert to my morning routine and I love it. I come into work and while I'm getting the morning started I just listen away and smile and laugh to the interactions. It's made a nice addition to the grind and I even got my husband to listen so we kind of trade notes on "Oh hey, you'd like this one because..."

So after almost two full weeks in podcasting, I've definitely made some good progress. While I'm still open to suggestions I've found a comfort zone in terms of my attention span and willingness to venture towards other ones of different genres. Tomorrow marks about a week of the hiatus in Instagram and I'm not sure of a return date. I really want to commit to some more mental situating before putting myself back in the mix.

We are at Friday eve, and I'm ready for the weekend ahead and good routines. There have been so many strange emotional hurdles lately that while I've embraced the wobbly feeling, I'm happy to be a little more sure of my footing this week. Self care has been instrumental, as in finding the right conversations with my tribe. Thanks for sticking with me!

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!

The Way Our Minds Work

Because I'm committed to this blog and all things connected to it, I have been feverishly listening to Podcasts, and mostly those episodes of Dax Shepherd's ArmChair Expert. In an episode with Johnny Knoxville he spoke about some childhood OCD and habitual tendencies he has since broken out of and the way his brain works, more or less. They threw in some stuff about addiction and body consciousness, on top of just growth and age, and it reminded me of an incident that happened with myself about a month or so ago.

My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.

Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.

I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!

He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.

When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?

Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.

I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.

When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.

That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!

One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.

To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.

A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges. 

I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.

We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!