Poetic Playlists And Powerful Prowess

Does anyone else have playlists they default to based on their mood or current goings on? Or is that just me? Every time I need a reminder that I can be a bad ass and am mentally and spiritually strong, I somehow default to Dashboard Confessional. Besides the fact the lead singer is completely delicious and their words are poetry, I feel comfort knowing that they have written about what I have personally felt. Today is brought to you by "Bend And Not Break:"

I catalog these steps now, decisive and intentioned,

precise and patterned specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling,

so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.

It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.

I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles.

I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand, there is an old mistake that fools will make.

And I'm the kind of them, pushing everything that's good away.

So won't you hold me now? I will not bend, I will not break.

Won't you hold me now? For you I rise for you I fall.

I am fairly agile. I can bend and not break.

Or I can break and take it with a smile.

I am so resilient. I recover quickly.

I'll convince you soon that I am fine. 

So this song is a reminder for me, of the struggle to coexist. I'm opening the doors to start talking about this with a lot of close friends and family, which is insanely difficult for me. I have had to maintain a powerful prowess and keep up appearances, and with that, so many people have made assumptions about me that are now keeping us from successfully relating to one another.

I take full responsibility for this. It has been my armor to not over-share or let people in. It has also been part of my denial and justifications of bad situations, to feel like they "probably knew," and just chose to stay separate. Guess what? Bridging these gaps, feels super volatile right now.

Living in the shadows of rough times can make you feel the need to "keep you pacified." It makes you, "talented with reason, I cover all the angles, I can fail before I ever try." As a classic over-thinker, when I needed help the most, when I wanted to tell family how it was, I then pictured the disappointment about not being able to handle my own life, and being told how I was to fix it, and not being heard, so I just stayed quiet, "pacified," and failed even before I tried.

It has taken years to come to terms with and own it all and here I am. Ironically, it's now that I'm faced with avoiding some cacti in the desert, so to speak, and if I'm not careful, I will get scratched while going forward on my journey. I willingly admitted today that I'm due for a therapy session on how best to handle not being so prickly. 

While hanging onto the facade of having it together, I actually put myself back together. Some noticed, some haven't a clue. And now that I'm finally standing back up without being so wobbly, I refuse to fall again, if I can avoid it. I've recently tackled a lot of my feelings of being disrespected and feel like I'm healing there, so the prospect of this being threatened is throwing me.

I have some issues with politeness and etiquette, I've found. I learned young that you may not be in love with a gift from someone, or even really want to keep it, but a gift is a gift so you say thank you and show appreciation. I also learned that when it comes to any shared household and marriages, you thank both parties in a household for any gift or hospitality. What I mean is and for example, say your childhood friend has a dad that's a lawyer and a stay-at-home mom. You don't just go thank the dad for the gift because he makes money. You thank the dad and the mom and the kid because, as a family, they gave you something. Small things like this make huge differences to me, I'm learning and I feel like these variances in gratitude speak worlds.

Resentment has always been a struggle for me; always. I think it's part of the world of addiction and that addiction is still so forgotten to be a family disease. Spouses and children of addicts are always seen as so separate from the issue of the addict, so it gets hazy and often feels unfair. So I do resent all avenues of feeling unrecognized for my growth while being submersed in addictive circumstances.

I've had to be strong when I didn't want to. I've had to take charge when I didn't know if I could. I had to clean up the mess with no help and no hope. I've had to stay positive when surrounded by a million reasons to be negative. And because I'm human, I'd like to get a little "Attagirl," from the ones who noticed at the very least.

In some ways I have gotten that validation, but currently I stare in the face of a situation where not only do I not have any acknowledgement, but straight ignorance, and I'm struggling. I can bend, but not break.

I wish I had the power to "not care." I desperately wish I could shrug it off and walk away. But to quote Arya Stark, "That's not me." What is me, now, is recognizing ALL OF THIS; especially through the power of a poetic song and amazing Dashboard Confessional playlist that I made. I will be working heavily on navigating these feelings and I'm sure this will have a follow up post. But any suggestions are welcome too! 

Away I go to keep trying to grow!

You Won't Hear Me Complain About My Job...Finally

I can complain a lot. Most of us can. Back to, "It's always something," am I right? But after 10 years in the mainstream work force, and many jobs, my current job will not be something I complain about.

I've had maybe 3 legitimately bad days when it comes to specific work-related things since I've taken this job, 2 years ago this May. I can't say that for any other job outside of nannying, and probably when I worked at Massage Envy because I learned a bunch there and worked with great people.

I go through a twilight period with jobs where I'm grateful and stay positive even though transitions are super hard for me, and then when the new wears off and things get real, I kind of can get stir crazy and uncomfortable. After some truly bad and hurtful experiences with jobs, I now just carry with me the people I found through them that have added value to my life, instead of focusing on the negative and pain. I have found some amazing people throughout my employment history.

The hardest part for me is my personality. It gets me in trouble often. I'm you're best friend if you want me to be, or I can be an enemy. It's up to you. Once it becomes apparent to me that you don't like me as person, we don't need to do anything but be civil towards one another, which sometimes can border on fake, but hey, haters gonna hate. My biggest hurdle has been when people don't recognize the job I do, but rather complain about me as a person.

My being a "bitch" or, in my mind, being focused on making sure the job gets done, doesn't matter unless I'm being a bitch to a boss, or worse, a customer. I don't have to be best friends with my-coworkers but I also don't have to accept their lack of common sense with a smile. I also learned quickly never to add your bosses onto your social media. Not because I post inappropriate things, but moreso, it's another way for them to judge you.

It took me 8 years to get where I am now and I can confidently say I'm not going anywhere. I've never been so grateful and so aware of being in a place that is so wonderful, kind and accepting of even the worst parts of myself in the job position. There are deadlines and time sensitive things, but also I can go to the bathroom whenever I want, take lunch or schedule appointments and not have to choose between getting paid what I need, or needing to get a physical.

Because I'm grateful, I take care of my work place and have realistic expectations in much better ways than ever before. So when someone asks me how work is, my new auto-response is, "Work is always fine. My job is the easiest part of my life." This truth makes me happy.

Motherhood will always make me feel inferior. I worry about everything messing my kid up, especially my personality making her stress more and having less success later. With my job I can come in, do my stuff, go home, and get paid knowing I did what I needed to. I don't stress about work at home. Work is work, home is home. If anything my home life totally infiltrates my work, and I'm just thankful to have approachable bosses that I can tell when things are up. If I have a sick kid or some kind of issue I can leave with no punishment and worry. This is a luxury I've never been afforded.

My first couple jobs in Florida were pretty treacherous and bad for me mentally. Massage Envy is where I found some of my tribe and learned so much, leaving me able to grow and thrive. No boss is ideal, but I felt like I could at least talk to them if life things came up and never felt too afraid I'd just get fired.

The other places I worked just weren't as comfortable,  my job right before this one, was especially uncomfortable. That was a misstep, but hey it brought me here. I jumped into something overwhelming, got myself in over my head in about 400 ways, and was very much not happy there. I know you're supposed to get out of your comfort zone to grow, but this wasn't the correct test of that, unfortunately. Also, my personality got me into trouble again because I spoke up for myself, which didn't go very well.

When the opportunity to work where I am now came up, aside from more money, the job itself was impossible to refuse because it was actually using my degree. The fact that I get to edit, and still have time to freelance write, is beyond huge for me. Everything else is just a perk.

There's so much exterior stress in my life; so many personal hurdles and things to work on and overcome. It's beyond amazing to know my work is my work and no one is breathing down my neck or micromanaging to make me mess up worse than I might already. 

And I love not complaining about my job. I love feeling comfortable and capable at something. I love my daily tasks, routines and ability to rock some customer service and editing. It feels good to be in an Alison-friendly workplace so I really embrace it and I think it makes me try harder. 

It makes me wish this for everyone, and I now understand all the job change and job struggle stuff for so many of my peers because it might not be about doing what you love, but rather just not hating where you work to where you dread a place you spend 40 hours a week. So I feel so grateful and I hold that close. And if you hate your job, I put out all the positive vibes that you find a place to thrive. For a mess like me, it has made all the difference in the quality of life.

Happy Monday!

The Way Our Minds Work

Because I'm committed to this blog and all things connected to it, I have been feverishly listening to Podcasts, and mostly those episodes of Dax Shepherd's ArmChair Expert. In an episode with Johnny Knoxville he spoke about some childhood OCD and habitual tendencies he has since broken out of and the way his brain works, more or less. They threw in some stuff about addiction and body consciousness, on top of just growth and age, and it reminded me of an incident that happened with myself about a month or so ago.

My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.

Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.

I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!

He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.

When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?

Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.

I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.

When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.

That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!

One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.

To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.

A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges. 

I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.

We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!