The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!

The Way Our Minds Work

Because I'm committed to this blog and all things connected to it, I have been feverishly listening to Podcasts, and mostly those episodes of Dax Shepherd's ArmChair Expert. In an episode with Johnny Knoxville he spoke about some childhood OCD and habitual tendencies he has since broken out of and the way his brain works, more or less. They threw in some stuff about addiction and body consciousness, on top of just growth and age, and it reminded me of an incident that happened with myself about a month or so ago.

My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.

Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.

I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!

He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.

When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?

Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.

I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.

When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.

That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!

One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.

To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.

A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges. 

I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.

We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!

Get Podcasting!

Can you make it a verb? Like "to podcast?" I'm very unsure.

True to form, I've missed out on all the podcasting. So far the only two I have listened to with any regularity are Dax Shepherd's "ArmChair Expert" and three other comedy writers', "How Did This Get Made?" Both are extremely funny and very much conversational.

Podcasts to me, seem like a new spin on an old version of talk radio. I'm not one of those people who can listen to conversations while driving, I need some music. But I like listening to Podcasts while I'm at work doing data entry or simple off-the-phone tasks. 

People recommend so many podcasts to me and, much like watching a regularly aired series, I often wonder where they have the time to fit it all in? Maybe it is on quiet drives, maybe while they are taking a long walk, or even a run. For me, music outweighs the podcast idea in most of these situations and "tuning in" at specific times can be rough. Subscribing to things is not my forte. 

Much like my attempts at being a better reader, I'm finding my way with some of these podcasts. I've been concentrating on my personal routines that are helpful and fruitful for me, versus those that have just become coping mechanisms and don't exactly cultivate my growth. It's a weird thing to pay attention to, but this week I'm diving into podcasting, head first.

We are just a week before the premiere of the final season of Game of Thrones. Not only do I want to read the books after all of this, but I'm already partially mourning the loss of this series. The crazy expanded plot lines, the character development and journeys are amazing. So this week, after I spent the entire weekend watching season 7 in preparation, I'm going to podcast it up in hopes of finding my podcast niche.

So far I like the conversational aspects, and I like the guests of ArmChair expert a lot. I've loved Dax Shepard since "Without A Paddle," and loved watching him evolve further as Crosby Braverman on the epic series, Parenthood. I'm also a huge fan of his wife, Kristen Bell for her mental health advocacy and all around honesty about how marriage is hard, therapy is important and very okay to take your time to do, and depression and anxiety suck. 

"How Did This Get Made?", was weirdly suggested by my pastor and it's so me, it was right on. They review movies and make fun of them, dissecting them in the most hilarious ways. The conversation is always amusing and the three actors that do this have frequented many of my favorite comedy sitcoms. 

I'm a little hesitant to get into the "self help" and "motivation" podcasts. I'm just not there yet. I'm not saying I will refuse to try them, but I'm not feeling it right now. For me, the lighthearted stuff helps get me through the slower parts of my day.

I think another reason for my shift into podcasts is, I don't want to get myself into a slump. I've noticed some not-the-best patterns in my routine that are technically "fine" and "no biggy," but I definitely feel the push to improve upon myself. It's not a bad thing or a good thing, it just is, but I'm always looking for easily adaptable changes, if you will.

I'm one of those weirdos who often needs to instate a "mental diet." When I feel myself going down into old, stale, comfort zones, it's time for a shake up, and that's what this whole, "Get Alison Podcasting" is all about.

While I'm open to suggestions and hope to get comments on the post, I'll warn you, I dislike anything related to politics unless it is satire-based. I do have some weird hatreds towards random celebrities that might take me away from trying certain podcasts, and if it's over an hour I struggle also, in fact that's the hardest thing for me with the ArmChair Expert podcasts.

This is a jumping off point for a topic I will revisit. The experimental period is this week so I hope to report back it's effects in the long term but am definitely open to suggestion. It's not the worst way to start a Monday. Ready, set, podcast! Away we go!