Fire Alarm Day And The Blogging Lull

First of all, I just realized I am nine months into this 2019 pilgrimage and I'm feeling pretty okay about that. I've had some really great pieces flow, I've had some duds. This is writing! I've had to set my boundaries on things. I didn't want to make this a chore but rather something to facilitate growth.

My daughter just started the plague of homework and they require daily reading. No big deal, right? I just hate that it's a CHORE. Reading should be fun. I remember being her age and being annoyed that my Goosebumps and R.L. Stein books didn't count for summer stuff. Instead I had to read Fahrenheit 541 and The Giver and other books I had no interest in. She has some range of choice so there's that. She usually tries to read something she has memorized. Never a dull moment.

Currently I'm in my office waiting for the fire department to come test the fire alarm system. This is LOUD and goes on for HOURS. It is horrible. I have headphones and I'm ready but it's not exactly the best day. I will most likely leave with a migraine from the noise.

With all of this in the background and life in general I'm in a very "take it as it comes" kind of mood which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I give myself constant reminders that there is only so much I can control, only so much I can do. A great deal of life indeed is rolling with the punches.

I struggle a lot with communication. I feel as though I ask often for more communication from people. I had a friend a few years ago and we joked about the "text abyss." You could be in a conversation and then life and distraction happens and you don't pick up your phone for 6 hours or something. I always say "Just tell me that you're super busy and we'll talk later, and then I will know and leave you alone." Being left hanging feels yucky.

Now as a mother, I totally get how weird text conversations can be. And also how unattached people can be to their phones much like the good old days. I'm that person who mentally responds but never types it or forgets to hit send. I also won't answer a text after 9 because I'm usually asleep. Like fast asleep.

I just never like leaving people feeling like "Uh, where did she go? I just asked her about the movie we were trying to go see!?" Sometimes I think as an overly anxious person I over-anticipate the anxieties of others. This could be seen as being a wonderful empath. Mostly, it just means my anxieties are borrowing yours and they are running wild and freely together. It can get weird.

I kind of felt like the blogging lull has set in. I don't think I'm running out of topics, but some days I'm more amped for it than others. Some days that spark shines so bright. Other days I feel like the emptied out lighter struggling to get the incense going. 

So as I'm sitting at my work desk with my yogurt, waiting for these alarms to bombard my day, I've come to the conclusion that some days will be loud and interrupted, uncomfortable even. We just had our first test blast and it happened after I took a call from a problematic, harassing customer. So I'm feeling like, today will be what it will. It could end up awesome, or maybe less so. So it goes for most days but today I will just do what I can.

Feel free to DM me any blog ideas, any subjects you want covered or questions you want answered. I'm always open to hearing from my readers! Thanks!

When Your Priorities Change

Priorities change, in my opinion, most naturally when you enter parenthood. Priorities can change, violently when you become a mom, or so was my personal experience. This is usually coined as maternal instinct. Your priorities then change when you begin adulting more. You want a house, a newer car, furniture sets. You need a stable job, you want salary, paid vacations and so on and so forth. Your priorities change.

Everyone has this happen at difference paces and stages. They shift often in life, and that is okay. Recently I acknowledged the largest shift I've felt in awhile and instead of feeling some kind of shame or resentment, it is a welcome, pretty organic shift. 

The tales of my drinking days are legendary mostly because I was that drunken girl that always made a fool out of myself. I told my best friend's girlfriend at the time that I really hated her, and then she had to redress me and she slept next to me because I was so intoxicated when I was 19. Those days are long gone, let me tell you. What does my crazy drinking night look like now? A cocktail or a glass of wine with a great meal, two drinks if I'm about to get insane. This happens maybe twice a month.

Drinking just isn't a thing in my life, in our lives, anymore. We don't keep any alcohol in the house and we never go out. And if we splurge on treats? They are dessert based. 

This shift doesn't bother me. It offered slightly stressful admissions and confrontations in the past but now, it just feels good. It doesn't register to me to want or need some kind of drink to take an edge off. Okay, maybe tea or coffee. It also doesn't feel like a necessity to have at a dinner table, it is usually about with whom I share my company. 

There are days where I might want a nice cold beer from a favorite brewery, but I never want to spend my time or money that way when we're having fun at home, or doing something else. There are bad nights where I wish I could unwind with a glass of wine, but then I could wake with a headache or hangover and ruin the next day if I don't drink enough water. It's not worth the trip to get the wine and then wrestle with the bottle. Bring on the SleepyTime tea!

Your priorities can change all over the place and often, but not all of them will feel like a positive shift. When I was in darker places mentally, my priorities did include drinking for distraction, being out to avoid being home, and spending like I had something to prove. These all have contributed to the current shift, and are other reasons why I feel such affirmation this round.

I like that my world no longer revolves around that as a social thing. I'd much prefer breakfast and an epic cup of coffee anyway. I'd rather indulge in dessert than "get drunk." Chocolate wasted is even better!

I've started to pay close attention to what I like to invest my time in, and what I don't. I am quick to embrace routines and keep up with them, but I struggle with letting go of my comfort zones.

Friend and The Office are my in the background, mentally exhausted, "comfort food," binge shows. If I don't know what to watch or how to deal, they are just on a loop. I hang in my bed a lot and ration chores more instead of taking them all on. I know I need to better prioritize my self care. It's on my list, and I'm a work in progress so, I'll get there.

Once I establish my routine, breaking it can be rough and often comes with many contingency plans. For example, I go to a spin class with a neighbor as her guest and I always have a backup plan for a workout in case something comes up and she won't be able to go with me. Having multiple options for how things play out are important to me anymore. It's a close as "go with the flow," and I can get, so I do my best!

When your priorities change it is my most humble opinion, that you are in some periods of transition. These can be good or bad transitions, in my experience, but shifts nonetheless. When I change my priorities it helps me shift my outlook, my attitude and can alleviate my anxiety. This is huge.

I've been incredibly focused on the mental health and growth of my immediate family being my, husband, daughter and even dog. And myself, yes, myself. With that comes a lot of renewed takes on outlooks, attitude adjustments and navigating my nagging anxiety.

As I've changed my priorities, moving them closer to home, my anxiety has been far more manageable and this is a huge win for me, so I keep nursing this progress gently. I've had to protect my well being more and take a step back from questionable situations, friendships and circumstances, but all for the better. 

Priority changes don't really just happen overnight. They are more so goals. If you want to go out less and save more, it's a day to day plan and determination. If your priority is making sure your child can enroll in fall sports, maybe you forego weekly coffee or coupon more. If your priority is more concentrated time with your hubby maybe you turn off your phone for awhile when you're together. It all takes energy and purpose.

However it all works for you, could be completely different than my experience but I welcome anyone to share. Life is busy and crazy but it seems to me that if your priorities match the mania, you'll fair well in the end. I can always report back, especially if my experience is the opposite!

You Won't Hear Me Complain About My Job...Finally

I can complain a lot. Most of us can. Back to, "It's always something," am I right? But after 10 years in the mainstream work force, and many jobs, my current job will not be something I complain about.

I've had maybe 3 legitimately bad days when it comes to specific work-related things since I've taken this job, 2 years ago this May. I can't say that for any other job outside of nannying, and probably when I worked at Massage Envy because I learned a bunch there and worked with great people.

I go through a twilight period with jobs where I'm grateful and stay positive even though transitions are super hard for me, and then when the new wears off and things get real, I kind of can get stir crazy and uncomfortable. After some truly bad and hurtful experiences with jobs, I now just carry with me the people I found through them that have added value to my life, instead of focusing on the negative and pain. I have found some amazing people throughout my employment history.

The hardest part for me is my personality. It gets me in trouble often. I'm you're best friend if you want me to be, or I can be an enemy. It's up to you. Once it becomes apparent to me that you don't like me as person, we don't need to do anything but be civil towards one another, which sometimes can border on fake, but hey, haters gonna hate. My biggest hurdle has been when people don't recognize the job I do, but rather complain about me as a person.

My being a "bitch" or, in my mind, being focused on making sure the job gets done, doesn't matter unless I'm being a bitch to a boss, or worse, a customer. I don't have to be best friends with my-coworkers but I also don't have to accept their lack of common sense with a smile. I also learned quickly never to add your bosses onto your social media. Not because I post inappropriate things, but moreso, it's another way for them to judge you.

It took me 8 years to get where I am now and I can confidently say I'm not going anywhere. I've never been so grateful and so aware of being in a place that is so wonderful, kind and accepting of even the worst parts of myself in the job position. There are deadlines and time sensitive things, but also I can go to the bathroom whenever I want, take lunch or schedule appointments and not have to choose between getting paid what I need, or needing to get a physical.

Because I'm grateful, I take care of my work place and have realistic expectations in much better ways than ever before. So when someone asks me how work is, my new auto-response is, "Work is always fine. My job is the easiest part of my life." This truth makes me happy.

Motherhood will always make me feel inferior. I worry about everything messing my kid up, especially my personality making her stress more and having less success later. With my job I can come in, do my stuff, go home, and get paid knowing I did what I needed to. I don't stress about work at home. Work is work, home is home. If anything my home life totally infiltrates my work, and I'm just thankful to have approachable bosses that I can tell when things are up. If I have a sick kid or some kind of issue I can leave with no punishment and worry. This is a luxury I've never been afforded.

My first couple jobs in Florida were pretty treacherous and bad for me mentally. Massage Envy is where I found some of my tribe and learned so much, leaving me able to grow and thrive. No boss is ideal, but I felt like I could at least talk to them if life things came up and never felt too afraid I'd just get fired.

The other places I worked just weren't as comfortable,  my job right before this one, was especially uncomfortable. That was a misstep, but hey it brought me here. I jumped into something overwhelming, got myself in over my head in about 400 ways, and was very much not happy there. I know you're supposed to get out of your comfort zone to grow, but this wasn't the correct test of that, unfortunately. Also, my personality got me into trouble again because I spoke up for myself, which didn't go very well.

When the opportunity to work where I am now came up, aside from more money, the job itself was impossible to refuse because it was actually using my degree. The fact that I get to edit, and still have time to freelance write, is beyond huge for me. Everything else is just a perk.

There's so much exterior stress in my life; so many personal hurdles and things to work on and overcome. It's beyond amazing to know my work is my work and no one is breathing down my neck or micromanaging to make me mess up worse than I might already. 

And I love not complaining about my job. I love feeling comfortable and capable at something. I love my daily tasks, routines and ability to rock some customer service and editing. It feels good to be in an Alison-friendly workplace so I really embrace it and I think it makes me try harder. 

It makes me wish this for everyone, and I now understand all the job change and job struggle stuff for so many of my peers because it might not be about doing what you love, but rather just not hating where you work to where you dread a place you spend 40 hours a week. So I feel so grateful and I hold that close. And if you hate your job, I put out all the positive vibes that you find a place to thrive. For a mess like me, it has made all the difference in the quality of life.

Happy Monday!

Drivers Driving Me Crazy

I've made no attempt at hiding my PTSD from the accident and some moments are far worse than others, but these drivers down here in sunny Florida are driving me crazy. I was once told that most drivers expect a last minute merge and cutoff, so that's how you should just do it because it's already anticipated...um no. 

I'm overly cautious because I have a huge fear of the sideswipe. Blind spots freak me out and the speed with which people drive around is concerning in general. Since I've been driving to St. Pete daily for the work week, I've become even more sensitive but also more used to how crazy it can get.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I don't look at my phone while I'm driving ever. Besides needing to be a Spotify DJ and moments at stops lights of boredom, I try very much not to mess with my phone in transit. What concerns me now, is how much cell phones are just a constant in every car and how now one seems to pay attention to what is around them, but rather has phone in hand, just driving along. I'm not exaggerating that it's almost every car and that you'll find it with me too.

Yesterday on my way home on the Bayside bridge I saw this white sedan feverishly tailgating in stop and go traffic. Swerving to get between and in front of everyone and noticeably pissing off drivers everywhere,  when I finally passed her she was texting on her phone. It was crazy, but I sighed to myself, "Of course!" She was already driving recklessly and so naturally, let's add the cell phone into the mix.

I can't speak for anyone else in terms of surviving a traumatic car accident, but I am just very sensitive to all aspects of the commute, along with traffic and driving woes. It is a bitter diatribe overall, but also just a question of safety. When my daughter is in the car with me I'm even more overly cautious, because it just freaks me out how crazy drivers can be these days.

I grew up in places made of small towns, country roads, and then mountain roads. This was before cell phones were really a commodity, let alone commonplace in a car. Oregon has distracted driving laws. My dad will pull over when I call, tell me he can't talk for another hour, then safely call me back at home. New York has something similar I think.

Don't get me wrong, Michael Scott said it best as Florida being a "Colorful, lawless swamp," but I've never seen so many accidents and had never really been in one, until we moved here.

Now, I learned how to drive in south Florida, off of I-95 near one of America's most notably "dangerous" stretches of highway. It was a lot like that iconic scene from Clueless where they end up on the freeway freaking out:

My husband never understood why I drove so defensively like, "kill or be killed" on the Oregon highways until we moved to Tampa and one day had the a-ha moment of "Oh, you had to outwit all these psycho drivers! I see now!"

It doesn't help that we have so many snow birds either. To their credit, we love what our part time residents do for the Florida economy and we appreciate it, but it's confusing and frustrating when the locals need to be places. These drivers are driving me crazy!

It seriously stresses me out and gives me anxiety to the point where I will go out of my way to go around certain trigger areas or areas that I just can't deal with. After driving in Oregon and then coming back to Florida, and I just so happen to actually know the majority of the pedestrian, driving and even cycling laws, I usually have the above Zoolander reaction regularly.

More often than not it is all maddening. I try to just breathe and take it down a notch but these drivers drive me crazy. I'm sure I drive people nuts too, but I seriously wish that before we enter the era where the cars just drive for us, we could all actually learn to drive safely. However, after all this I have come to the conclusion that Florida may be just playing it fast and loose with the definition of "safely."

Buckle up readers!

Last Day Of 33, Whatcha Got For Me?

On the eve of my birthday, or as I have been referring to it this year as, "Just Tuesday the 26th," while of course saying goodbye to 33 and hello to 34, I'm almost forced into some reflection so just bear with me.

I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.

My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.

I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.

This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.

This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.

Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.

There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.

I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.

For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.

Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.

So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!

My House Is Forever A Mess, And I Kinda Love It That Way

This is my dining room in it's natural state. And this is our table. We don't eat dinner at the table enough.This table was a gift from over a decade ago, when I moved into my first apartment, and it was from the first family I nanny-ed for in Oregon. My mom hates this table. It's covered in marker, pen, paint, scratches, dents and dog hair at times. But I've raised ALL my children at this table, meaning the ones I nanny-ed for, and now my daughter. And until it falls apart, it's staying.

My daughter does arts and crafts everything and all the time. I haven't figured out a decent way or space to organize the mania, but she is always drawing and creating things. Once a week we clear this table, but during weeknights it pretty much stays like this, and I'm kind of in love with it.

I've never bought furniture from anywhere but an Ashley Furniture outlet (my husband's recliner) and Ikea. Although from time to time I get used pieces from online interactions like Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace. We've been given everything else as a gift, and are so fortunate for that.

I dreamed once of nice things and furniture sets, you know Pottery Barn type illusions, but then I realized how little that actually has to do with making a house into a home. I'm also so busy with motherhood, work and life, that my home time is limited, so rather than obsess about it looking a certain way, I'd rather it be functional and comfy.

My uncle used to have this joke that first apartments and homes are always decorated in the style of "American Poverty," because it's enough to just have a roof over your head, let alone fill it with stuff. I always love being around people who have the eye for decorating and fill their home with pretty and nice things that match, with little accents for their home, but I'm always afraid I'll mess up their house in some way. 

My house is very much "lived in." It's broken in, comfortable and, I hope, welcoming. Its is wonderfully imperfect no matter what. From the weathered grout, which is my serious obsession in superficiality, the non-matching furniture, the crazy colors of bedroom walls and the stuff...everywhere, it's everything that is US.

Maybe it was too many years of my Friends obsession but, much like Phoebe, almost all of my furniture has a story, however simple or small. So we have the dining room table story covered, and the long bench with it was Eben's cousin's. Our couches came from one of my favorite co-workers from a past job who was kind of like my "work mom." We have two recliners, a buffet, a coffee table and a piano from my old boss. He was going to give really good furniture and a PIANO to Goodwill! It just needs to be tuned, hello!

Our queen bed frame is from IKEA and has followed us to 3 houses from it's construction. The construction, my husband teases, was almost a breaking point in our marriage because that thing was so difficult to put together! We keep it now as a guest bed, after it was our daughter's for 2 years and ours for 2 years before that, and we reference it as a joke often.

Our king bed frame was from Facebook MarketPlace and they lived 10 minutes away. I had an old boss help me pick it up, and he was not a fun person to move things with as he didn't understand the difference in my size versus his, and how to move furniture with someone small but mighty. The king mattress and box spring was an amazing gift from one of my favorite people from when we got in the car accident as our mattress at the time was just on the floor in the old house. I cried when I came home from the hospital and saw it, and I miss that friend every single day because she got me through one of the worst times in my life.

My daughter's room is 90% hand me downs. Her toy box was my mom's and then mine. Her kitchen set came from another gorgeous friend I miss daily, her train table from another mom that I went to boot camp with and the dollhouse was mine. Her princess TV is from another mom friend and her daughter. There is some various Ikea furniture that we put together that didn't result in divorce, and her dresser was mine when I was baby and has followed me every place I've ever lived. Her new bunk bed is from Facebook Marketplace; I repainted it and my dad fixed it to the wall and built stairs for the dog to join her atop her full sized loft.

My husband and I have 2 dressers we got from family friends whom we love and appreciate a lot and lastly, we have my mom's old cedar chest filled with my grandmother's things. Oh and a hutch I bought from Luna's swim teacher that I repainted and filled with my grandma's china. That is probably it, I think. Everything has a story, and nothing matches, and I LOVE IT.

This wasn't always so. This has taken me YEARS. I used to love my apartments before we had a kiddo because everything would stay as it was when I was out. When you have a kid suddenly furniture becomes a liability. Or they put crayon on cushions and stain your favorite duvet. But, that's part of parenthood and adulting. 

My mom tries to force on me "matching things" and "newer things," but I like what we have and I don't need to waste money on new stuff just to have something new! My table being a mess means my daughter is creative. Her room in disarray means she was using her imagination. Blankets all over the couch means my dog is comfy. 

Everything I have is coated in sentiment and memories. There are layers of stories and emotions, even life phases that go with it. You can always rearrange to give things a different look or refreshed style, but replacing all the furniture seems really silly to me. We don't entertain much and let's face it, I have very few people to impress in my life. I'm just an anxious, working mom trying to get through each day and enjoy life when I can. If you can't enjoy my mess, don't come over. Take me out for a drink instead!

I spend hours cleaning every weekend. I maintain my house with family help and love all of it because it is ours. I don't care how cluttered, okay I do have a limit, I'll admit, but it's still mine and ours. Every area is part of home. I haven't had a place like that since I was 15 so I'm digging my heels in and enjoying the space, no matter how messy it can get, it's mine, it's my daughter's, my dog's and my husband's real, live home. Furniture can be bought and we can arrange and style any way, any day, but the memories will be stronger than any dining set, sectional couch with matching ottoman or bedroom set could ever be.

For now I'm going to enjoy the method to the madness because there are good times to be had, clean house or not. And the picture below is the result of my daughter saying, "Hey mom take a picture of my table. It looks pretty." Oh and this table was painted and styled by my sister, driven across the country by my dad, also after the car accident. I forgot that one too! So many stories with the furniture, so little time! Here's the cute table:

Happy Thursday readers!

Menial Tasks Are All Me

Am I the only person who loves being given a specific, albeit menial task, just because you know exactly how it should be done, and why? Maybe I am, but there's a certain sense of accomplishment that comes with it's completion, and I am all for it.

I love a good spreadsheet or "search and find" task. Any form of organization makes me feel useful. Watching the hours pass as I type or enter data makes me feel calm. Maybe that's completely pathetic and lame, but I'm always up for a good mind-numbing to do list. 

I like the kind of work where you can't completely daydream but it also doesn't require complete and utter concentration with full attention. I hate being bored or feeling lazy and useless. I hate having to worry about selling things or selling people on the idea of me selling things to make money. I labor much better under the agreement of you pay me, I do the work and it goes both ways.

I've seen this menial-happiness come and go with my jobs. In my nanny days I always wanted to find fun things for us to do, make play dough, read books, craft, go on adventure walks, watch new kid movies and I always tidied up at the end. I loved having control of all the fun kid plans. With my first retail gig at a medical apparel store, I loved reorganizing the displays and even counting inventory. I liked ordering the different styles and patterns of things and entering things into the system. 

At the one restaurant I worked in, I always liked organizing the cash station so I could be more efficient. But when I worked at Massage Envy there was lots of merchandise to arrange, and we had to situate who went into what room when, which was like a weird version of Tetris. I got really good at it by the time I left. 

Jobs where I don't have those things, I get really anxious and I don't do well, or so now I have discovered. When I worked at HSN overnights from home, the things I liked most, were against the "rules." Like I knew that the little old ladies that called me at 1AM to spend their pension on gaudy jewelry just wanted someone to talk to, I also knew that this would allow them to buy more as the conversation went on, but we were to stick to the script, keep the calls under a certain time barrier and move them along. I didn't get into it.

My other two jobs in between then and now, came with more than a few unpleasant attributes, they may be part of my book someday. But now that I have a legit office job with Alison-friendly tasks, I actually like helping do weird things like taking a country club address book and typing almost 900 lines into excel to make mailing labels for my boss and his wife. It doesn't bother me I just put on some good tunes and go!

Even at home, cleaning and arranging don't bother me because I know the task at hand. And then I earn my lazy TV time later in the day so it's easy checks and balances. I think there is a weird comfort there.

Don't get me wrong, I've never turned down a job, because I've always needed to work to like, pay bills and stuff, but we've all had less-than-awesome jobs. Not every job will use our skills to their fullest advantage. We barely use our own potential and abilities to the fullest. 

I can edit, write and spreadsheet like nobody's business. I learned how to research and collect data with my degree! It's not always easy but it always has results, and there's something in there that gives me gratification and keeps me grounded.

I'm learning that I've become very good at tuning out the chaos. My personal world has been somewhat manic until recently. It's been an emotional train-wreck at times. I've seen and even felt it affect me at jobs, both negatively and positively depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I have weathered it well, and other times it's been pretty destructive, especially when I'm working in a position that doesn't allow me to use my best attributes productively. 

I will help with any menial task. Stapling flyers, printing and filing, organizing and ordering supplies, typing, emailing, and researching, BRING IT ON!

I find comfort in routines and feeling control of the tasks in front of me, and I think this is telling in terms of my circumstances. I've been coming to terms with and processing a lot emotionally lately. What I'm working on most is my acceptance that I can't control the actions of anyone else, but just my reaction to what they put in front of me. I can't force ANY relationship to go the way I want to. Not even a mom friend, not even my relationship with my own child. My dog doesn't even always listen to me! But I can control my acceptance of the things in front off me.

This is a daily reminder and struggle. Constant mantras being muttered and internal sorting out of how to deal with all the feels! Because when I go to bed with my new and epic early bed time routine, I'll sleep better knowing I'm okay with how I reacted or with not getting my perfect idea of something, because I did my data entry like a boss, I released some updates faster today, or I came up with better social media hashtags. Little wins are a big deal and anything menial is mine!

Here's to Monday and I'm headed back to my menial research and spreadsheet action.