The Way Our Minds Work

Because I'm committed to this blog and all things connected to it, I have been feverishly listening to Podcasts, and mostly those episodes of Dax Shepherd's ArmChair Expert. In an episode with Johnny Knoxville he spoke about some childhood OCD and habitual tendencies he has since broken out of and the way his brain works, more or less. They threw in some stuff about addiction and body consciousness, on top of just growth and age, and it reminded me of an incident that happened with myself about a month or so ago.

My husband and I try to talk on my lunch hour a few times a week because we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time as we work opposite schedules. I was talking to him as I was in Publix facing a ridiculous issue that was my current frustration: I keep finding breakfast cereals I like, that apparently no one else does, hence they stop selling them. Cheerios had this almond cinnamon protein thing that was delicious and it got replaced by Pumpkin Spice Cheerios I think. Then I found an instant oatmeal that was cranberry almond with protein, and it was a steal when it was bogo, but they only ever had odd numbers of it or only had the banana one when I went, so that didn't work out so well either. I was shopping for something new.

Special K was bogo that week and they had just released a bunch of Protein-Healthy type cereals, so as I'm on the phone with my husband I just launch into this weird rant. I'm talking around, "Oh it doesn't look like those bogos match, and what if I like these but they don't restock them and the calories versus what's in them and the bigger boxes versus the little boxes being a better deal." This went on for at least a good 5 minutes and my husband said, "Wait what? You're going all over the place over the cereal and putting that much thought into it? Seriously?" That was my "aha" moment, if you will.

I became almost offended but then asserted, "Oh yeah, that's what happens in my mind...OVER CEREAL, so can you imagine the BIGGER things?" I started to laugh because it has become a recurring theme in our marriage that we think so differently. On the one hand, well doesn't everybody? But on the other hand, boy we think so very differently!

He just kind of took a step back and was like, "Wow, that's a lot of thought process." I made a quippy Friends, Phoebe reference of "Yeah you don't want to get in here," about my frazzled mind. Having anxiety means I can fathom every situation and look at everything from a million different angles, and somehow all at once. It's complex in actuality.

When I don't hear from someone for awhile, it's not a simple, "Just text them and check in," for someone like me. Sometimes it can be that easy but often it comes with the complexities of multiple reasoning and mental negotiation. I go from, "Well if they are busy, I shouldn't bother them. Maybe they are going through something personal. If they wanted to talk to me, they'd reach out, right? Is that sad Pinterest quote, 'no response is still a response,' true? What if they don't text me back, won't that be worse than just not hearing from them? Did you piss them off? What happened the last time you saw them that could warrant not responding. Think they're sick?..." This could go on and on and on. But it paints quite a picture, doesn't it?

Every interaction isn't always like this, but certain ones can snowball into something of this nature. I won't ask if this happens to everyone because we are all so incredibly different. My husband is very much, "We'll figure it out," about things and seems to be certain a solution will just happen. For me I need careful planning and multiple solutions in my pocket before I even start to tackle an issue.

I once knew this woman who told me she just kind of trusted the universe would provide what she needed. She'd had no cash for her daughter's weekly lessons and then she had two people request her to work that same day, out of the blue, and by the time it was lesson time, she had the cash. I couldn't do that. I would have cancelled that lesson a week ago because I have no faith that money will just show up. It was impressive to me that she could keep calm in that situation because I would have been an emotional mess feeling like a failure for not "being better prepared." Again, everyone's mind works so differently, which is why we have epic and creative inventions and innovations, I guess.

When I inadvertently let the mind mania dump onto my husband, at first I felt a bit embarrassed. Usually I can keep my uniqueness under wraps, or know my audience better than to just randomly let the freak-flag fly. But then I realized I was relieved that he knew because maybe he would understand why so much becomes such a big deal for me.

That's the thing about anxiety, it takes so many forms for so many different people. Ironically, for hurricane Irma, I wasn't really anxious that we would die or be trapped or anything, but more so I just wanted it to come, do the damage and then we could repair. I'm not anxious about walking around in new areas and getting lost or hurt, I'd be more concerned about being late to something. It's kind of a super weird thought process, I'm well aware, but it's all mine!

One of the inherently amazing things about this crazy thing called life, is how different we all are, and how our minds work completely independently from others. My thought process will never be the same as anyone else's. You can share certain kinds of anxieties, yes, but how you deal with them will not be the same as anyone else's experience.

To me, this brings comfort. I like to know that I'm unique in that way. It's almost like a specially made kind of armor to ready me for the world. Because of my thought process, I can understand my daughter a bit more. She exhibits some similarities to my way of thinking, and of course has my sass and sarcasm. I think it also lets me befriend the people that are more introverted, because I can see a bit more of them outside from the view of the surface. This makes children warm to me quickly as well. I may be an adult, but I can understand children in a way that makes me seem less intimidating. It worked wonders in my nanny years, for sure.

A lot of my anxieties are hard for the general public, and especially employers, to deal with and understand, and I've struggled with that. I carry my world on my shoulders because when I was 12, every idea of what I thought I knew was my life, was shattered in one afternoon. I felt completely alienated and uncomfortable with everything all at once. So, being aware that it can happen like that again, at any moment, brings out my rough edges. 

I wrestle with expectations, ideals, keeping up a certain image, how I should behave, what would be acceptable and what wouldn't. I thrive in large social situations like parties and gatherings because I blend in and don't have to be "one thing" in particular. One on one, I can struggle, depending on the cohort. Many people will also only know certain parts of me, based on what I asses as their "acceptability," of all that is "Anxious Alison." I often keep myself from being "too Alison," with certain things as it has gotten me into trouble too often to ignore, but I'm learning to better share and embrace all of those sides.

We all think differently, see differently and experience things differently. What I hope for is that we find commonalities through it, rather than more division. I think we are slowly getting there, but it's such a work in progress, much like our personal lives. If you are like me, I'm open to talking about it. If you're the polar opposite, I'm even more open to talking about it because our different ways of thinking are fascinating, and learning about one another only makes us stronger. I'm all for strength in our similarities, or even in our differences. Bring it on!