Boundary Bound

I don't know why it's so difficult. Perhaps for some it's completely simple. For me, boundaries are tough. I don't believe that I disrespect the boundaries of others, but rather have the most difficult time making and enforcing my own.

It's almost October of 2019 and I think that I can safely dub 2019 as Alison's year of bounding towards boundaries. There are many helpful quotes and memes about boundaries, and these are often the posts I make on Instagram when struggling:

Fixing others has become less and less of a priority. Two years ago I reset my focus to just us three and started being completely honest about how we were working, trying and healing and anything that was a deterrent needed to go.

The saying no stuff? This has been infinitely more difficult. My biggest triumph was saying no to volunteering situations that made me stressed, unfulfilled and anxious. Now I have to learn to say no to negativity, and to not giving into the whims of others. Which leads us to "It's not my job to take responsibility for others." I am responsible for my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. As far as the rest of you, you're on your own, I'm afraid.

Not having to anticipate the needs for others? If there was an award for worst at this, I might just win. I overthink what others might think and overthink to ready myself for all reactions, rationales and in-actions of others. Most of it is a weird self-preservation thing but mostly I just want to be "ready" for how others could affect me. I had an evening this past week where I didn't anticipate what a scenario could morph into and it hit me like a ton of bricks emotionally. This is all something I need more work on.

Nobody has to agree with me. I can actually agree with that. I don't feel the need that we all agree but I do still seek validation from people who have invalidated me in the past. This one is a struggle but a workable situation and it's something that I've paid close attention to.

The being responsible for my own happiness? I see the multifaceted-ness of that and it leaves it open for interpretation in my mind. The concept of happiness is a dangerous one to me. I think you're responsible for being mindful and present in your world and that is how you create calm and comfort, call it happy or not. I think some goal to be "happy" is slightly unrealistic because the ups and downs of life make us resilient, keep us growing and are also a huge part of healing trauma. This one is my least favorite on the list so far.

I have a right to my own feelings. Ughhhhh. I suck at this one too. You know I actually had to have my therapist tell me, I'm ALLOWED to feel what I feel? I recently listened to someone pour out their feelings to me and just took it all in because I had so loved knowing that I was allowed to feel things and I wanted to pass that on to someone else.

I have a right to express my needs honestly. This one is also a huge personal struggle because, especially as a woman we get the crap end of the stick I feel. A right to express my needs; well we all have a RIGHT to expression here in 'Murica. A right to express my feelings honestly? I mean I may have that right but how well received would it actually be? That would be my main concern. You can say what you need all the time, doesn't mean you'll be heard. 

Lastly, "I am enough." I think everyone struggles with that one, honestly. Enough of what, exactly? Boundaries are rough and so is that feeling of being "enough" in any sense. We build these walls in one way or another and then often can't see through them or even over the top. 

Being enough is probably an entire series of entries. We have some days where we feel enough and others where we feel inferior, less than and barely put together. Putting up boundaries is healthy but often easier said than done. When I work with boundaries, I always feel so happy when they serve me but immediately feel defeat if I don't get them to turn out as I'd hoped. There's a learning curve and a constant balancing act. 

I know I'm bound to figure out these boundaries someday. Sometimes I feel like I need many, many more and I'm bounded by being boundary-less! Other days I'm so ready to be the bountiful boundary woman with super boundary powers! I just hope it gets easier as I handle this whole adulting thing. Regardless, the blog will be full of reports all about it I'm sure!

Family Boundaries Are Beyond Difficult

Family stuff is hard. And that's putting it lightly. I can think of about 4 different family members I've been estranged from for sporadic periods of time, and most of it just has to do with alienation in the midst of negative life circumstances. Now, it's all about boundaries, and cultivation of what matters. 

I used to work really hard to keep family connections going. I am the queen of the check in or "pulse checks" to reach out. I will send birthday texts, sometimes cards, and just want people to know I'm thinking of them. I recently had dinner with a good friend and we went over some serious family hurdles, and I think they are just more and more indications of a "coming of age," type thing.

My husband and I get a lot of crap for moving far away. But what people, especially family members, fail to understand is that physical proximity doesn't necessarily increase the quality or even quantity of family time spent together. We have cousins that live 35 minutes away and we see them, maybe once every 3 months, maybe. We've flown across the country and have been unable to visit family whose town we were 10 minutes away from, all because of their lack of reciprocation of our reaching out to see them.

Family stuff is insanely delicate too, but in all of my personal work, growth and transitions I have learned that not only are boundaries completely okay, but completely necessary. In the process of being honest with myself about how bad and traumatic things have been for the past handful of years, I've had to tell my immediately and extended family, "Hey, I'm not really a horrible piece of shit, I've just been having a horrible piece of shit time and haven't handled it well." I've pissed a lot of people off, but that's par for the course anymore.

I've had to out myself as truly not being able to afford flying all over and staying for long periods of time on vacations. We don't have the means for all that. I've had to admit that things were not as the cutesy posts on Social Media made them seem, or as bland as I made them sound. I've had to be really open, which has been a struggle for me.

I think the worst part is you want your family to just rally behind you and say, "Oh my goodness, how can I help?" However, the reality is, they all have their own stuff and are in differently places than you are so, expectations are usually moreover disheartening. 

My friend said some seriously insightful things about how when they moved away it was implied that since they moved it was their responsibility to come back and visit. I felt that, hell I still feel it, hardcore. She also said that she had to have someone point out that when you get married and have children, that's your family that you are responsible for. So if the other extended family members are making your hubby, children and especially yourself miserable, why go out of your way for them? That one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Don't get me wrong, we have family that goes above and beyond for us, over and over and over. It's not unnoticed or unappreciated. There are others that when you reach out to, may not respond as you'd hoped, and this has been my struggle and my wake-up call. As I've had to apply to friendships over and over and over again, I've now started applying to family members the boundaries to keep me less anxious in these relationships. I can't make anyone respond the way I wish, not even my own family.

I wish people would come visit us and see Luna's world. We finally have a real bed, real guest room, real house to welcome guests. I wish people wanted to dine at the restaurant where my husband has just been promoted. I wish people wanted to come enjoy our company. I've invited many a person with many kinds of circumstances and guess what? That's literally all I can do.

I can't make anyone appreciate what we've overcome to get where we are. I can't make anyone appreciate my husband's talents and hard work. I can't make anyone appreciate my ridiculously awesome child in her own element. I can just open my door, and open my heart to anyone who wants to come around.

With that said, when we do visit, I refuse to break the bank and I refuse to sacrifice my family's and my own personal comfort, just to be a team player. I've done that too much. I've eaten whatever has been served to me, whether I like it or not, and seriously suffered, all to not be called "a snob" because I married a chef. I've endured discussions that make me uncomfortable or feel unwelcome, all to remain neutral and not be "the bitch."

Call it growth, call it aging, call it adulting, I'm okay with being the bitch if you aren't respectful of my parenting, my health and comfort, and my family. I've been through enough lately than to willingly tolerate hurtful things from people who don't contribute to my realm. And that isn't meant to be read as, "If you don't buy my kid presents, I don't have to deal with you," please. What I mean to say is, if you don't call and check in on my household and make the effort to be a real part of things, even in the smallest ways that you personally have the capacity for, and then are hurtful to my family on top of it, I feel like you've given me no reason to perpetuate the relationship. Why constantly be alone in my efforts? I've done enough by myself and now I want to rebuild my immediate family life with togetherness.

I've been awakened to a lot of things I've put up with as "norms" that don't have to be that way. I'm working on so much within myself, my marriage and my family that I just can't bear the put downs or even blind ignorance. Boundaries are very trendy, and I'm all in.

Family stuff is immensely difficult. It's easy to say this, to write this and to idealize it but putting it into action is hard and emotionally exhausting. It is definitely a step closer to peaceful living, or so I've discovered. And remember, family is family and maybe someone is going through their own stuff and needs your support. You can reach out with no expectations and keep an open heart always, just don't lose yourself in the process, or at least give it your best effort not to.

That's Pinteresting!

Funny story; I have a mom friend and just about 3 years ago she says to me, "I found this new website called Pin-interest! It has so many ideas for the birthday party!" I said sweetly, "Pinterest. It's called Pinterest." Her enthusiasm was right on, even if the pronunciation was off.

All women know Pinterest. This is factual. Nine years ago I tried to get my husband on board and he instantly became pissed off because he could only see pictures of the food, but not recipes. Let's just say Pinterest has come a LONG way. My husband still is not a fan.

As part of my social media break you might think I would avoid Pinterest, but you would be so wrong. I can spend hours on there, mostly because I'm a quote hoarder. I LOVE movie quotes, music quotes, motivational quotes, and little sayings. I'm considering starting to use some as writing prompts for fictional pieces, but sometimes they just get in there and stick. 

While I've noticed my reader numbers are a bit lower (so thank you for those who have stuck with me) I've been enjoying my time away from Facebook and Instagram. I'm still unsure as to when I will reemerge, so I've definitely turned towards Pinterest.

I stopped filling my boards and pins with furniture, clothing, and "things" I'll never have, but mostly just collect all of these quotes. So today we'll walk through a little bit of what has been on my radar.

Part of my social media siesta is getting back to myself. I've disclosed bit by bit it's been a rough run. Sometimes I look in the mirror with judgment and anger, with disappointment and frustration, but without social media influencing my anxieties, I want to keep reminding myself, I've been through some crap but I'm still here.

It's a hard sell, some days, but a good affirmation. I can always visit my board if I need a visual reminder.

This one I've been meditating on A LOT. I've recently lost touch with someone I'd considered a great friend and support. Maybe I can't even say lost touch, but I have two messages unanswered and even a note via snail mail unrecognized, so I'm kinda assuming this is a ghosting type thing? I'm in "hope for the best, prepare for the worst mode." I've just been rationalizing that, I was super great as a friend and will never give up on them, but if they have timed out on that friendship, I just need to let it float on. My coping mechanism is just daily reminders and a lot of just wishing them well with good vibes in the universe because what else is there?

This is also part of the social media stuff. There is a double-edged sword feeling for me when it comes to being able to "check in" on people or be "checked in" on by others. My best friend called me out as "Stalker-y" because I got into that Instagram feature where you can see who viewed your story, almost like a different form of a "like."

I went through a weird phase where being "liked" in that way but not acknowledged in life was mental torture. Then I transformed my perspective into a kind of, this maybe is a person's way of "checking in on you," without having a conversation for x,y,z reasons. But I kind of hit my limit and just decided to breathe deeply and take a long walk towards some peace.

Staying low key is like a superpower. Also, side note, one of my few, but largest issues with Pinterest, is the spelling errors. Low key is two words people. Two.

This one is undeniably true right now; intensely so. I work so hard on cultivating my wants and needs and sometimes the universe saying no is inadvertently a yes in the end. Isn't that Pinteresting?!?

I could do this all day and post 1,000 memes with 5,000 reactions. For me, it is a great distraction and allows me to have necessary reflection points. Sometimes I find those words that I just needed to read in the perfect moment. Sometimes I revisit all the things I've "pinned" and a month ago I was feeling the same and saved something that I needed today. It's a weird kind of new age diary, in a way.

Pinterest also has secret boards where you don't have to share everything with anyone who "follows" you, which I like. I have all kinds of secret nerdy tattoo dreams saved on there and I love them.

Some of my boards are literally things that I know I'm not organized or talented enough for accomplishing well, but a girl can dream! I think that's the fun part, is the dreaming. I stay away from dream trip boards, only because for me personally, it could become a daunting or depressing thing later but some people take their boards very seriously.

I have a few friends I send random pins and memes to, but other than that the whole chatting thing is pretty minimal. I really could spend hours lost and pinning away, especially if I have an upcoming project.

It's so funny when you take a step back you realize how much time you've spent feeding into other sources instead of yourself. Sometimes it can feel almost horrifying, other times perhaps it's sobering. I'm still fresh into the game but I'm feeling more and more positive in confirming this is just what I needed. I definitely wish people were still checking the blog often but my sanity is more important than my advertising.

Please feel free to message or comment suggestions! I'm open to them all! Happy Tuesday readers!

A Simple Sunday Supplication

I can admit I've been out of the church loop for quite some time due to personal reasons, but as mentioned before a lot of it has to do with Sunday being the only possibility of an alarm free day. No alarm days are rare and if you can catch one, they can make your world seem so much brighter. My life is ruled by alarms, timing, structure, planning and restrictions daily, if not hourly.

It is usually a monthly request for a "no alarm day." It's much like my annual Christmas and Mother's day requests for naps; it gives me something simple and important to look forward to. It's the little things in life.

My daughter spent over 9 hours at a Girl Scout Camp yesterday and came home completely haggard. She was immediately opting out of going to church and I honestly didn't know if I could muster the energy to make her hop to and go.

My daughter and I spent the morning alone and I got the idea to be that cool, proactive parent and use this kit she got as a present to make chocolate eggs for Easter. Famous last words, right? Or better yet, just a bad idea. This whole thing was crap, a sham if you will, and more frustration than anything else. I will never try to be that mom again. I felt like a walking Pinterest fail.

It was then I started launching play dates and getting her out of the house so she could crash out early. Sundays are usually filled with exhaustion and Netflix, and I never begrudge my daughter any chill time. She deserves it, and hell, so do I.

I've successfully not worn makeup this weekend, which I consider a win, and I got a lot done. However, in the wake of the last few weeks I'm definitely feeling worn down and now we have Easter looming.

It is always my request to have Sunday be as low key as possible and is one that is often a tough sell, but when it's just my daughter and I here, I commit us to it.

Today has been a test of my anxieties though. It has been a stress test and very much a testament to my mental fortitude in some ways. If you want me to put a blanket label on my current state of mind, I'm really frustrated, yet here I am being productive and blogging away.

I've become more guarded and very self-aware lately and I'm really unapologetic about it. I've gotten kind invitations to some nice things but there is a part of me that is like, "If I have to pretend to be fine, I'm going to have to decline, because I really don't want to be asked how I've been and come up with an answer that's not, 'I've been really struggling with some personal stuff and it's made me not want to put myself in situations like this, thanks for asking.'" It sounds silly but it's where I am right now.

Blogging daily has become a healthy outlet to share the struggles but diatribe is also in the title of this whole thing after all. Sometimes I know I pander on too complain-y but I stay focused on not being too much of that. Some days are easier than others.

Where I feel my failures I also feel proud that I even recognize them. Where I feel antisocial I feel proud that I'm even taking time for myself and preserving my mental well being. It's all quite a balancing act and it's a process, regardless.

So here I am one day closer to a new week, hours away from the Game of Throne premier back to being my wobbly self. I must say, it's not that bad because I'm awake to it, and aware of it. I like being able to know all this, because I was definitely lacking before.

To my readers, again thank you and I'm already cultivating some ideas for this week's posts. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

I'd Rather Not Be The Bad Day Blogger

The other day my best friend across an ocean messaged me. He messaged me this long message about his truly horrible day filled with work and boss dispute, a small injury and a broken water heater meaning, cold showers until it could be fixed. Although I very much love Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day, all I could think was, he "Roseanna-Danna'd" me. 

Not to date myself here, but I was raised with amazing comedic appreciation including that of early and original SNL. Gilda Radner was a comedic genius in comedy and I loved her character on Weekend Update "Roseanne, Rosanna Danna." She had one person complaining in a letter which I then found in a Hallmark card years later for a favorite Aunt, and when I heard my friend's annoyed plea all I could hear and picture was her:

Honestly when he messaged me, I smiled. Not because he had a bad day, but because I loved that he wasn't complaining at me, but rather that after all of that, he wanted to come share the day with me as if thinking, "Ali will make me feel better." I offered all the good vibes and apologies for a yuck day promising a better tomorrow.

This morning was my turn for the bad day. If I'm being honest it's been a rough run all around. It's been quite a roller coaster and many tests of my anxiety, depressive whims and my ability to push through and adult. I'm anything but easy going and these past few weeks have been quite a trial for me.

Today was the breaking point and I really wanted to write it up as an "F this Friday." But I took a lot of deep breaths and pushed through. It was one of those crappy financial situations which wasn't the end of the world but really sucked. One of those things that wasn't your fault really, but wasn't arguable. It was a waste of money and resources, not to mention time, all of which I detest! It was not a great start to my day.

I figured I had a few choices: I could reach out to my co-complainers, aka my friends that always support my annoyances with the fact that they, too, would be annoyed by said situation. I could cry in my car, always good for a day to be not okay. OR, I could therapize through it, meaning using the tools from therapy to get me to not hit melt down mode.

I posted some Pinterest motivational pictures in a collage, and boy I LOVE a good collage, on Instagram and had some of my favorite people reach out to me and remind me I'm loved through the muck, especially when I'm hating myself, and that it's just a bad day. And then I sorted it all out. I felt better.

It was after a major talk session and some light complaining that I realized, not only am I not alone in this kind of thing, meaning it happens to the best of us, but just two days before I had a message from a bestie that exhibited the same kind of day. And then I was reminded of the always amazing skit of "Roseanne Rosanna Danna." I've left it below for your entertainment, but to sum up, rather than be the Bad Day Blogger, I'm with "Roseanne Rosanna Danna," "It's always something," and if it's not one list, it's another but the best thing we can do with it all, is at least have a laugh.

Happy Friday!

There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

Your Thirties Are For Saying No To Everything You Got Away With In Your Twenties

With a birthday looming, I'm starting to reflect much more. Does that just come with age? This is also our 10 year mark for moving to Florida as of July. So here I am, getting all philosophical and introspective.

The amount of adulting and growing up I've had to do the past few years is actually kinda unfair, but I maintain I'm better for it. Your twenties are for partying, credit card debt, adventures and working hard specifically so you can play hard. I remember working 6 days a week between two jobs, drinking every night and Sunday sleeping until noon, mimosas with breakfast, beer with lunch, bed at 10 and back at it again for another week, and that was tame compared to most others I knew.

By the time I hit about 26 I was feeling less and less into that kind of party and was way more interested in hosting people for dinners, drinks, and hang out sessions. I liked lunches out and buying new home items. Parties were reserved for concerts and some weekends depending on paychecks.

For me, I feel like the worst of adulting came with parenthood. I really thought I had it planned out and things would be okay, but that's the thing about life, it takes it's own route, doesn't tell you it's changing, and sometimes you can barely scrape together to find a path, let alone decipher the "way you should" go.

In my twenties, concerts were always a yes, no matter how far the drive and if I didn't have the money, just swipe my credit card, the money could happen later, the concert was happening regardless. Between my husband and I, our credit cards were very much well known and accepted anywhere. While I felt the burden of that intensely, it took a lot of work to undo that frivolity, but I wasn't unwilling to do it.

I worked diligently on fixing finances to the point of being unfair and obnoxious. I still feel humiliated having to say "no, we can't afford it," to a lot. The difference from my twenties to now is, I prefer to stay in my real, live, grown up house, whereas I never wanted to be stuck at my apartment when I could be out spending money and living life. My thirties are for being frugal so I can take a vacation that involved leaving Florida.

As if I'm not feeling old enough, this is the last year of the Vans Warped Tour with a huge 25th Anniversary festival in both California and New Jersey. I must say that when I saw that line-up, I wanted to cancel both trips we were planning this year and just take myself to both for one more foray into being a Punk Rock Princess before my retirement from my festival concert days.

Warped tour was my first festival-type show when I was 18 and came with all the stories, swag and was the beginning of my love affair with live music. It was always fun to bounce between stages, get bumper stickers, shirts and leave for home broke, dehydrated and sunburned with bags of memorabilia, ringing ears, and dirty Vans or Converse. Plus there was always a Taco Bell run at the end of it.

Despite my years as an avid Warped Tour addict, some of the big bands I've still never seen. Between both coasts, they are all on there. Now, I know some of you have bucket lists that include seeing different countries and cities, and mine does somewhat, but I have Bucket List Bands. Most of them are now un-affordable, unattainable or unfortunately dead. But when I saw that line up I wanted to take out a loan and just go!

Alas, now that I'm in my thirties I say "no" instead of "let's go." Often this makes me feel lame but lately I've had a better appreciation of what comes with this stage, and for me that's peace and security. Peace and security have been just a dream like those items in stores in New York City where you have to ring the bell and look put together enough to be allowed entrance. The employees could see me, and I was drooling at the peace and security, all shiny on display within the window, but I couldn't get near it. There was no access point for me then.

Being allowed in the shiny security and pretty peace store is even just a recent feat, so I tread lightly. I am definitely incredibly and cautiously optimistic about how far we've come but also appreciative of the journey.

My twenties were fun, filled with celebration and simple problems. My late twenties, my entrance into parenthood, and quick steps into my thirties have been existential. It's been really rough, but also rewarding, leaving me with still a ton of work to do, which I'm not unwilling to participate in.

I do feel like family life makes me say "No," more often than not and the exceptions are few and far between. We bend the rules occasionally but have been far more vigilant about staying the course. To those of you who walk on the wild side and just firmly believe that everything will find it's way and work out, feel free to share that wisdom with me because I suck at it.

I think I've always had no choice but to grow up early. I was violently shoved from my American Girl Doll days of dressing them up and listening to Hanson to having to figure out all walks of life on my own. Navigating social aspects was tough at times, I was super naive and simple, but I definitely had my teenage rebellion under way when the time was right.

I did however, strive for my independence. I wanted to work and go to school so I could have what I wanted and cover what I needed. Defining want and need was what changed quickly between my twenties and thirties, but I think that change was for the better. Now I know the times we need to "splurge" and "live a little," and the ones where we need to be more frugal. Okay maybe lately I just always think we need to be frugal but still! It's a work in progress, I'm a work in progress.

As I'm inching very slowly towards the next stage, and the next age I just feel aware of so much that my twenties were built on that just does not fly now. Some of it is frustrating and unfair. Some of it is affirming and kind of rejuvenating, because I know that I'm in a place where I can say no. Growth game strong!

For the first time, in a very long time I will say this, I'm pretty okay with where I am. I have my bills paid, no exorbitant debt at this time, we have plans for end of year vacations looming, and I can still get a coffee from time to time. I know there is savings and retirement kind of things happening and I have high hopes for some new appliances. There will always be unexpected things, and saying no is way more common now than it was a decade ago, but sometimes saying no is okay, or so I've explored previously.

So, I toast to being close to another year of being okay with saying no to all the stuff I easily got away with in my twenties, and to being even more firm in my thirties, I'm enjoying each new stage, no matter how difficult. Although, if anyone wants to send me to Warped Tour, that I would say yes to!

Less Is More, I Think I Get It Now

Staying on the topic of continuous lessons, growth and never-ending cliches, let's talk about that whole, "Less is more," thing.

Less is more can easily be applied to certain applications of make-up, in some cases, food and always, always, always, GLITTER.

Lately I have applied the "less is more," theory to text message conversations and tech interactions. Phones are everything these days. I have those horrible millennial moments where I get snotty as if life before smart phones was caveman-esque. When people ask for directions I scoff, "Just Google it!" When my husband complained about his data on his phone, "Gosh, just use WIFI! As if!" Yeah, I have those moments.

Some of these social media things can push you over the edge. Whomever invented the ability and application to see when a message was READ, needs to be sat down for a talk about how this is not a good thing. Let me tell you, the ellipsis bubble awaiting a response is the stuff of pure evil. I loved living in a fantasy world where when you don't get a response to a text message, it was because the recipient never saw it. How insulting is it to think they saw it and then chose not to respond?  I always want to believe they're busy or distracted as the lesser of evils. 

For me, less communication has been more productive this week. Checking in on people is great. Making and confirming plans with friends is wonderful. Asking your husband to grab groceries because you are out of things is essential. But this week I took a step back from my usual anxiety-driven texting mania and I must say, it feels frigging awesome. 

So I think less is more for social media and technologically based communications can definitely come in handy. Have you ever seen that people now have to "take breaks" from social media? I've done it often and people get into a weird panic as if I've been abducted. Which isn't to say that social media hasn't been incredibly helpful in cases attached to things like that - let me make that clear, I was just being sassy.

It's as if your activity online is some kind of sign of life anymore. So you may be actually dead if you don't update your Facebook status often enough, is that what it is? It's kind of unnerving when you think about it.

With this expansion of information and communication, I personally feel we've actually weakened our abilities to properly communicate, not enhanced them. Think of this, back in the day a phone conversation could last for hours talking about nothing or everything and plans were made, and set and followed through. Now, because we can reach anyone, anywhere, in seconds, we can "blow off" plans in a moment's notice. It's not always nice, or fair or convenient. It's not always our fault, LIFE HAPPENS, but I think instant access to communicate has let us become naturally more social anxious, and flaky, or at least it has in my personal realm. Somehow because you can get a-hold of everyone now, you can change anything and everything last minute, it's a double-edged sword.

Some people can do it all and prove that these technologies and communications are way more pro than con. However, some people, like "Anxious Alison" over here, get really wobbly in the new age world. For directions, I could not live without GPS. For music, Spotify is life. For pictures and videos, it's so perfect to have a little device right there. For social interaction, though, I'm a hot mess.

Some days I have handle on all of it and some days I'm on Pinterest and Instagram and bouncing to and from, waiting for this, waiting for that, then I look at Facebook and 30 minutes have gone by! Here comes that balance idea again, and I'm finding my way through it.

I think my husband will forever coin me as "a texter," and don't get me wrong, I will respond within 5 minutes most times. But I do wonder how much things would change if we let go of the devices a bit. Or at least if I did.

I've been working on that diligently this week and I'm proud of my progress. This is not to say you cannot get in touch with me and there are certain people I'd love to catch up with, even via text just so I can feel more on top of friendships stuff, but I'm trying to find my comfort zone. I for one, definitely rely too much on texting and social media as some kind of barometer for life things. It looks absurd when I type that but it is true, regardless. 

So here I am, a work in progress, progress not perfection, and less is definitely more! I'm in all the cliches and just finding my way through this thing called life. I hope that this helps someone feel less technologically anxious and more excited about finding their balance. For me it felt so weird at first, and much easier said than done, but by the end of this week I'm feeling more calm and rested, so I'm hoping for the same for all my readers. Happy Friday!

All The Lessons, All The Tools

I did an Instagram post the other night because I was frustrated and sad and wanted to express that without whining or being ungrateful, but needed a bit of a "vent session." I've been working diligently on being more apt to "roll with the punches." I most identify with the idea that I'm "Anxious Alison," and planning and changing planning can be seriously difficult for me. Sometimes I can thrive in the chaos and keep the steady hand, other times I'm one second away from just screaming into my pillowcase. It can be quite a ride.

Last year during some chaos where self care had fallen to the wayside, I was miserable and mentally collapsing, I decided to take control and use my favorite coping mechanism, working out, to it's fullest advantage. For the first time in 5 years I joined a gym and went back to Spin classes. When I started I was averaging 4 spin classes a week and 3 days of boot camp. Then as things at home became worse I was adding in more double workouts to try and keep myself steady and balanced in the mayhem.

This year, because of budgeting, adulting and the gym losing instructors and messing with schedules, I had to get rid of the gym membership. Sad day. Now plenty of friends have said, "Gyms are only like $10 a month just go here, there and so and so." Yeah I need my classes, I work best in that environment and, we have zero extra money so, gotta do what ya gotta do.

A neighbor friend had a membership at the same gym and wanted a buddy to keep her in spin so she said we could go every Tuesday. I was psyched. This was the pick me up I needed and it wouldn't kill me to be slightly social and get to know her better. Welp, this happened all of one week before things changed and that was no longer an option. So, back to relying on me, myself and I.

This morning I am happy to report that after texting hubby at 8PM last night that "I'm running tomorrow whether I want to or not," I got my butt outta bed and ran 2 miles, and I feel frigging amazing. No, this isn't just endorphins or some weird runners high.

I realized something. Everything always goes back to the lessons and tools I learned over a decade ago in my therapy. Little things are bigger things in the grand spectrum and I need to work on some little things. Last week I really sucked at self care; this week, it has been tantamount to my success and I shall explain.

Last week I stayed up too late for no reason. Texting, watching re-runs of the same shows I've been watching for years, stressing about all the things I needed to do and worrying about things I could never control. I was tossing and turning about fading friendships, reaching out, not reaching out, drawing boundaries, not drawing boundaries, and things that make me unsettled. Last week I was exhausted, I didn't eat right, and I was cranky.

Now, self care looks different for everyone. For me, it is early bedtimes and new, healthy routines. I've been WAY better at adjusting things with less mental stress and not allowing my routines to "manage" me. I've been very attentive to when I need to be more gentle with myself. This week I asked my husband to meal prep some things for me this week and he did. This week I have been asleep by 9 every night and up by 5 every morning. And last night I started something, a new hope-to-be habit, that is LONG over-due.

Last night, with a cup of Sleepy Time tea and a tucked in kiddo one room away, I read for twenty minutes before bed, and it was a book I've been trying to read since December, but keep getting distracted and taken away from it. Not only did it help me get sleepy, but I felt so awesome investing that small amount of time into myself, and something for just me and my tired brain.

On another note, and this will bring the point around here eventually, at Church they started this experimental biblical reflection-type thing and instead of being lackluster, lazy and scoffing, I said "yes" and jumped in head first. Again with rolling with the punches, quickly it didn't work out as planned and I was left with one mentor and ally, a favorite mom within the church in fact, as someone to kind of check in with from time to time, instead of a small group atmosphere as intended.

The first week was okay; I liked the general spirit (pun intended) of what the exercises exemplified but things got heavy, fast. Instead of exploration it became homework. I reached out to a couple people a few times but, this was clearly meant to be group discussion with personal reflection and notating. It wasn't making me happy, or more plainly, it was "not sparking joy," if we need to conform to pop culture references. So I took a step back and thought, "Okay, so I put my best foot forward and handled the fallout of plans really well, and I tried to maintain this solo with some individual outreach but I'm definitely not hitting the target so then why am I stressing about something that I'm getting nothing out of?" EXACTLY!

It all came back to self care, lessons, and tools from what felt like I learned forever ago. This isn't to say I'm done with "church stuff;" this isn't to say I'm done trying new things. But I'm definitely learning my boundaries of saying "yes and no." And this includes saying yes and no to myself, and to others.

You may be thinking, okay, the gym isn't exactly a luxury and who doesn't make time to read a damn book? ME! The gym IS a luxury for me and I've disclosed previously as a writer, I'm the worst reader ever. And it dawned on me as to why I revert to some coping mechanisms so easily and why shaking things up can be daunting, so here we go:

My dad was a routine-driven dude. At 7AM he'd be planning dinner and every night that was in the dining room at the table at 6PM. When my mom left, in all the craze and turmoil, my dad gave up the dining room table nonsense and we used to live it up, eating in the "TV Room." We'd watch the Simpsons together, Friends, Will and Grace, Mad About You, Ellen, Cheers re-runs, Seinfeld, X-Files, Full House, and so on and so forth, all while eating dinner together. This became my favorite thing ever because instead of wallowing in the changes, we would just enjoy each other's company and lose ourselves in the plot lines and worlds of the characters on a screen.

And last night I realized that when I feel so out of control, so tired and beaten down by life and schedules, anxiety and depression, and at odds with my world, I re-watch Friends for the thousandth time and absorb the drama. I re-watch the Office and can't believe how oblivious Michael Scott is. I stay up late laughing at Seinfeld and remembering how many times that show was so right on and ahead of it's time. Because that's my version of "comfort food."

And while I love books and can devour a good series with the best of them, it's just not my go to for trying times. But the change in routine yesterday, although ever so slight, was just what the doctor ordered. It allowed me to effectively wind down and was calm and quiet. It let me read WITHOUT distraction, and distraction is my seemingly my forte.

Between the read and the run, I'm looking forward to tonight and my morning runs from here on out. I'm happy I'm back to "normal" bed times and not stressing over schedules, projects and things I can't force myself into. I'm discovering new peace. I didn't realize how volatile things have been, until this peace feeling came over me, and I must say, I just love it, and am more and more grateful for it. 

All the lessons, all the tools, I know them and I have them at my disposal, ready to use. It's easy to embrace the lazy and not do all the things. It's far more rewarding to get off your butt and get things done! Or, so I feel it is lately!

Hipster Coffee Spot Lunch Blogging

I changed it up this week. I've actually made many changes recently. Many. At work my days have been filled with steady work. Most often it is routinely more quiet. So I've got less time to blog from the company desktop and by the time I get home I'm usually just scrambling to get it together for things in general, let alone to take time to write. But I challenged myself to every day this year, here I am, almost 2 months strong!

Although I miss my lunch walks, the coffee and sometimes muffin lunch is a wonderful pick me up. It's cliche and oh so very Oregonian of me to find all inspiration in a "coffee house" scene but here I am, typing among the customers.

Here's what I know. This week has resulted in some serious maturity strides for me. I'm more and more accepting of all of my mistakes, flaws, anxieties and difficulties and am feeling lighter. Maybe not when it comes to the fitness area, but there will always be time to lose weight. 

This week I was more honest with myself and it allowed me to be honest with the people I care most about. Some of this came in the form of deep, rough conversations. Some came from not bothering people even though I wanted to and some came from stopping anxiety in its tracks, or not feeding into conversations and activities that just made me feel not great.

I prayed more this week; mostly for the happiness and success of others. I put out all the positive vibes and sifted through any negativity to better have a grip on reality. Life is tough. It's annoying. There are hurdles and frustrations. Plans change. People can be abrasive, rude, unthinking and selfish. So what? I've been not so great too.

I'm embracing all the cliches. I do live "one day at a time." Bad moment? "This too shall pass."

A few weeks ago I was just wobbly, which I decided was  mostly stable but ready to fall. And then I cultivated some wonderful, wonderful moments and just took on the "power of now."

I've checked in with the people I lost track of. I've "let go" a little of the people I was imposing on a bit too much. I've cried a lot. I've accepted some new challenges, physical, and mental. I've been kinder to myself.

This isn't some "born again," "new year, new me" entry. But yesterday my growth and stability was celebrated. And I kind of want to bask in that a little bit.

I've been painted as controlling for most of my life. I've been drowned in disappointments and collapsed by changed plans and expectations. Bogged down by "the rules," I've had to let a lot of that go and it's been a positive experience. 

I'm less wobbly and more...floaty? Does that work? I'm sustaining. And that's more than I can say or have said about myself in a long time. I'm not even sure I'll last one more day or one more week feeling this...sustainable thing but I just want to try and enjoy it.

This week has been busy. Next week is more of the same. I've had a rough 2 and 3/4 years...if you want the real truth, I've had a rough 6 and a half years, which I'm just starting to talk about and come to terms with. So much of that is the beauty of life. We continue. We prevail.

I've been in my own way and caused myself extra hurt and turmoil and I don't want to do that anymore. I've made not great choices and countless mistakes. I want to make better choices and lower that mistake count. I don't want everything to hinge on other people, but sometimes we need to hold others accountable. I'm seeking the balances. I want to be a good friend as much as I want to be treated well by my friends.

I really just want everyone I care about, to be happy. Not Hallmark Card, Disney "happy," just...sustainable and copacetic I guess. Well, if they want to be Hallmark Card Disney happy, I'll support them but may be slightly skeptical. Will there be random bursts of song? 

I won't pretend that with this outlook and methodology there aren't casualties. I'm not as text-friendly lately. Social media stuff has taken a huge hit. I'm much more Instagram-friendly than Facebook anymore. I'm more private and selective when it comes to who knows what about certain aspects of my life. And I'm much less tolerable of mistreatment. If I don't like how you're treating me, I'll tell you, like it or not. I'm not always mean about it, but I'm working on being more assertive.

So here I am, another blog down, with a much better life attitude than I've had in awhile. I'm feeling lighter, sustainable and in tune with myself. Old habits die hard. I won't pretend slip-ups and bad days won't happen, but I can tell you I'm better equipped to let them affect me less. I hope someone reads this and feels better about their mental struggle. Feel free to reach out to me at any time! Happy Friday Eve you all!