Reflection Week 2019

If I had to make a summation of this week at a glance, it would be "good." My default response to all the "How are you?," questions these days is, "No complaints." I say this because I'm coming off of spending years as a complainer. The whole idea that I have broken through a bunch of things, has kicked me into high gear reflection lately and this weak has been especially reflective. Therefore it has so been dubbed Reflection Week 2019.

I got honest with a friend via text about my inner dialogue. I talk myself INTO and OUT OF a lot, regularly and daily. It can be simple like "Oh I should get new shoes for that wedding, nah I can just wear those black heels, why waste money" to, "I really need to make time to be a better mom because I get so tired and I don't think I spend enough quality time with my daughter." It can feel frenzied and it can feel maddening but it is part of my anxiety and I manage it as I can.

My husband had a bad day the other day. It was your normal, run of the mill, nothing going quite right day. When he reached out to me just needing to vent, I said, "Hey we all have these days and you learn to manage them better as you get more comfy in your mind and your anxieties, why do you think I work out so much?" He made a silly comment but I told him that working out helps me manage my anxiety and mood so I can feel less physical reactions to my mental upsets and I can better rationalize my inner dialogue. Somehow working out slows down my mind.

My husband did not take this as some "Get fit, get a grip on anxiety," motivational speech I think it just helped him understand more. We are working on that a lot, more understanding. It can be weird to explain to people honestly, but he gets me...mostly.

Other reflections include friendships, relationships, life, family and all the things really. I don't mean this to sound as though I'm sitting quietly meditating about growth, perspective and such, I'm just saying that I've been paying better attention to how far things have come in general.

Sometimes it is hard for me to embrace the good. I feel as though I can handle the chaos, crises and struggle the best, but often the calm and easygoing cause me to become more unhinged. Call it a product of past trauma but admitting that about myself has to be at least something.

Reflecting on the friendship stuff this week has been an emotional roller-coaster. I have had moments of wanting to "cave" and initiate the check in with someone and then just reminding myself that I already tried once or twice and must leave the ball in their court for response or reciprocation and just keep sending them the good vibes of wellness and prosperity.

Creating boundaries is anything but simple. Some boundaries are clear and others feel foggy so finding my way around all of that can be overwhelming but I do what I can. I was invited to something I could not afford this week. It was with wonderful people but it was at a place I'm not so crazy about and I knew between a babysitter and what I would spend being out, it was just not affordable, so I said I couldn't do it. Rather than talk about being broke or not wanting to go to that restaurant, I just said I didn't have a sitter and left it at that. It just wasn't good timing and I'm being fiscally cautious with vacation coming up.

What was interesting for me is that I didn't feel badly about saying no. Usually I feel guilty and like I'm being a drama queen but this time I just embraced it. I'd rather be home unwinding from the week then out dropping $50+ on sub-par food and entertainment, no matter how much I enjoy the company. I've become picky lately about where I'm putting my time, money and energy and it feels more and more okay the more I stand my ground.

In reflection this week I realize I'm less angry. My resentments are being handled more delicately. I'm starting to open up a bit more. I'm guarded in a more positive way, rather than negative way and I'm managing my shame, embarrassment and upset about things in a more constructive way. I'm navigating my traumas at my own pace and I like that.

I had a recent realization about triggers, which is that now that I'm fully enmeshed in the healing process, the triggers between my husband and I and even my child, are going to be coming up and we need to try and negotiate them as a family or at least voice, "Hey that's a weird trigger," so we can handle them better. 

In affirming to close friends where I am on this journey, and revealing slowly more and more about how dark, frustrating and uncomfortable it has all been, it has generally been received well that I'm honest about where I am in the process. Just a handful of years ago I was a mess and barely functioning. I may still have a bad day like that, but now I can better articulate what's actually going on. 

Watching my husband grow and heal, face some demons and just find his footing has been intense. What began as "proceed with caution," is more and more becoming just being impressed with the steps and strides he is taking and has taken. When you live in a place of "Oh that could never happen," or "I just have to accept x,y,z" and you watch those negative constructs being crushed in healing empowerment, you can't help but smile and have a weird sense of being proud of the time and effort put into the growth.

Ironically during my mental, emotional and spiritual reflection, my body has been having a hard time pushing through physical hurdles. You win some, you lose some. How I choose to handle these frustrations say more about where I am than anything else, I feel.

I'm well aware life has it's ups and downs and bad things still happen but considering our last handful of years, I'd like to think of those as "the dark times," and continue on into some sunshine. Moreover in Reflection Week 2019, I like knowing that we've started moving in the right direction, and that we are working as a family unit. On my bad days I worry that this will all drop from under me, or that I'll find a way to screw it up but on my good days I am grateful for the lessons, the journey, the struggles and the little wins that remind me that we're doing better than we think we are. 

I'm not a "Yay I'm finally happy," kind of person. I had a conversation with a friend that has had some similar stress and trauma to mine and I reminded her that there will always be phases of struggle but half the battle is how you approach it. I said, sometimes you need to be angry and upset and sad to get through it and she could just know that yeah, maybe I have no idea of what and how she is feeling but at least I could remind her that she wasn't alone. We both kind of agreed that the world needs more of that.

There were so many times over the past few years I wish instead of being given advice or being told what I should be doing, that someone would have just sat next to me and said, "That sucks but I'm here for you." We feel alone too much anymore, and that is the worst feeling when you're surrounded by people. I think that's why I stopped being a complainer. Not only did it bring the wrong type of energy into my space, but it serves no purpose. Why complain about something when you can work on it? That was my "Ah-ha," moment.

I have a friend that I never actually see. We get together maybe once a year as she lives a good 90 minutes away. We went through a rough phase where both of us were just in bad spots in our lives and we text each other daily just how much everything sucked. We felt empowered by both of us suffering together; it was that whole "misery loves company" mentality. It kept me in a downward spiral for a very, very long time. It was not helpful, in fact it inadvertently just made my depression and anxiety worse. It wasn't until earlier this year when I stepped outside of myself and watch the effects of these interactions, saw what it did to me, and what it turned me into that I was like "Whoa, never again, no thank you."

We don't talk and text that way any more. She seems happier and so do I, it has been noted. It's not because we were bad for each other, we were just using our kinship for the negative instead of bringing each other into a more positive place. We had to grow separately for a bit. We had to heal apart and find our tribes.

So to end Reflection Week 2019 on a decent note, I would say I'm completely a work in progress. Some days I'm a mess. Some days I'm so with it. Everything is in flux, but I feel better equipped to taking it all on. If you are in a dark space, I encourage you to reach out to anyone you can trust. It will be uncomfortable, but feeling alone already can so I ask that you give it a try. Feel free to reach out to me too as I'm more than happy to share more on a personal, less blog-worthy basis.